Fic: A Sick Cycle Carousel; a sequal to Bleeding Love
A/N: This is the sequel to my story Bleeding Love; you don’t have to read it to understand this, but it would probably help. The title comes from the song ‘Sick Cycle Carousel’ by Lifehouse and the whole thing was highly influenced by a Sam/Jack vid to the song. Also, some of the lines are taken from the movie A Perfect Getaway which prompted me to write this finally.
Title: A Sick Cycle Carousel
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 3,828
Characters: Jack/Sam; Pete
Summary: She couldn’t stand to look at the broken man before her. To know that she could have spared him some of the pain, if not all of it, if she had been completely honest with herself from the start; what the hell had she been thinking?
Spoilers: 7x13 Grace, 8x07 Affinity, 8x18 Threads
Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 belongs to MGM, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Films. I just took the characters out for a spin.
She raised her eyes to Pete’s, the man she didn’t love: her husband.
Her eyes fell away from his in guilt.
“Is it him?” She wouldn’t answer that, she couldn’t answer that. “Sam, help me out here! You just told me that you want a divorce, I think I at least deserve an explanation!”
He was right, he did deserve one. But how does one tell her husband that she was in love with another man, had been from the beginning.
“Pete, it’s not-“
“It’s not me?! Was that what you were going to say?” At his interruption, her eyes flew back to his: anger and hurt swirled within them. He glared at her for a moment, until he finally leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hand. “Yeah, I’m starting think that’s the exact reason we’re in this position…”
It was muttered under his breath but she had heard every word. “What do you mean?”
His hand fell off his face and Pete looked to her with a tired expression. “When we married, hell when I proposed, I knew there was something wrong, that you weren’t fully committed. But I just thought that you had commitment issues and if I could only prove to you how amazing loving and being with a person who loved you the same could be, everything would be okay.” Sam was surprised when a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes crossed his face. “I guess I just never really wanted to admit that you already had met that person and that it wasn’t me.”
Sam bit the inside of her cheek to stop the sob that waited at the back of her throat and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. She couldn’t stand to look at the broken man before her. To know that she could have spared him some of the pain, if not all of it, if she had been completely honest with herself from the start; what the hell had she been thinking?
She heard the chair scrape against the tile as he got up and then there was a hand on her shoulder. “Go to him, Sam; don’t let this happen again.” She felt him squeeze her shoulder in a comforting matter that almost made Sam lose her composure. She had broken his heart and he was now somehow giving solace to her, not how she had envisioned this scenario. “I’m going to go get some of my stuff.”
He left her in the kitchen. And as she listened to his packing in their bedroom she found that she couldn’t think of anything except for Pete’s words: “go to him.” Sam couldn’t fight the few tears that fell at the thought of who “he” was and how she had screwed up their relationship even more than she had her marriage.
She felt like she couldn’t breathe.
“Sam?”
She turned around to face the front door and saw Pete standing there with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.
“Did you ever love me?”
Sam looked away, her tears falling freely now. How was she supposed to respond to that?
“I think,” her voice broke, “I think I loved the idea of loving you.”
There was moment of silence in which Sam, now curious, looked in Pete’s direction. He wasn’t looking at her anymore and instead, he seemed to be studying the ground intently. She could see that he was barely holding it together. After a few more moments had passed, she saw his shoulders straighten and he raised his eyes to meet her. “I’ll send for my stuff tomorrow and the papers in few days. Goodbye Sam.”
And with that he was gone.
*****
It was pouring rain, the streets of D.C. slick with rain as she watched the people walk under a sea of multicolored umbrellas: a perfect setting for her mood as she sat in a cab on its way to his home.
None of it felt real.
She leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and watched as it fogged around her, wanting to draw shapes and names in it like she had as a child. Closing her eyes, Sam let herself be drawn back into the memories of the past two weeks.
She and Pete were now divorced and had been for three days, the process quick and relatively painless, for which she was grateful for, but it was the day that it had been finalized, when Daniel and Teal’c had presented her with an airline ticket to Washington with a note attached to it that had brought her to this moment. It had been from Pete and had read, “I loved the idea of you loving me and because I still do, I need to know that you’re happy. So take this last token and make sure you don’t waste your chance.”
She had finally broken down then and let herself grieve for the two years that she had wasted with Pete, the two years she had tried to convince herself of something she couldn’t even remember, the two years that Pete had wasted with her. Teal’c had held her as Daniel had rubbed her back with a soothing hand, until finally she had curled into Teal’c’s side and had held Daniel’s hand fiercely. Then she told them everything that had happen in the two years since she had met Pete.
Sam told them about the two weeks she had lamented over whether or not she should accept Pete’s proposal, and of General O’Neill’s enigmatic response to the situation. She even told them about the time she had been stuck on the Prometheus and what the figment of her father and Jack had told her, since their advice had always been the deciding factor in her relationship with Pete. But it was what she told them about the night before she had given Pete his answer of ‘yes’ that finally got them to understand what had been going on the last year and a half.
They had never known that Sam had visited the General that night. That they had gone further into discussion about Pete’s proposal and after a few beers, she had somehow changed her position from sitting next to him on the couch to straddling him. It had progressed from there and she had left before Jack had awakened, or so she had thought.
Both Daniel and Teal’c been surprised by this news because even though they had known her relationship with Jack had been strained up until when the team had split up, neither one of them had guess what had actually happened. Sam explained that both Jack and her had seemed to have agreed that their night together had never happened.
Later on when the boys were helping her pack, Sam thought back to what she had told them and the fact that she conveniently left out the part about Jack saying that he loved her in the aftermath of their lovemaking. She had even left out the fact that six months later, she had had gone home with him once more the night her father had died. They had gotten drunk once more, and even after a vigorous make-out session, Jack had made sure that they had fallen asleep curled up on the couch without anything further happening.
She had gone to Pete a few days later with every intention of ending it with him but he had shocked her with the buying of her dream house, and once more she had ignored her feelings and had told him yes.
Two weeks later, she wasn’t invited to go fishing at Jack’s cabin.
And another two weeks after that, she had walked down the aisle while Jack had been on a plane to D.C.
“Miss? This is your stop.”
Sam blinked the real world back into focus and she quickly handed a wad of cash to cabby, grabbed her duffle, and left the relative safety of the cab to now stand in the pounding rain. She barely noticed the cab driving off as she stared at the huge, expensive townhouse that Jack now occupied. It didn’t fit him at all.
Sam took a look around the neighborhood and what she could see of the city lights above the roofs and thought, none of this fit him.
He was a cabin by a fishless pond in the middle of nowhere-Minnesota, not a city clogged by smog and politics. That was more her territory, and she was finding that she didn’t want it anymore.
Finally finding the courage, she moved to climb the few stairs that lead to his door and knocked her heart beating fast with each moment that passed. The rain had now soaked through her layers of clothes and she was sure that the stuff in her duffle, while being moderately water-proof, was endangered of being damaged.
Raising a now shaking hand, from the cold and anxiety coursing through her, Sam was about knock once more when she heard her name being called behind her.
“Carter?”
She turned, already knowing that it was him before she saw him. He was standing the bottom of the stairs, dressed in his dress-blues, which were now dark blue and clinging to him, water rolling off his cap. He was looking at her in disbelief. “What are you doing here?”
She blinked, suddenly not sure herself. “Pete and I got a divorce.”
His eyes immediately slid off her face and he suddenly became very interested in the ground. She could clearly see the clenching and unclenching of his jaw through the sheet of rain caused by his cap. “Sir?”
His attention snapped back to her and he walked up the stairs. Once he reached where she stood, he reached around her and unlocked the door. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
And with that, he opened the door and allowed her to go inside before him. Once he closed the door, he took her soaked coat and hung it up on the hanger along with his. Then he directed her to follow him, “Let’s get changed and then we’ll talk. No use in freezing to death.”
She could only nod as she followed him up to the second floor and to what was obviously his bedroom. As they entered the room, she watched him as he shed his dress coat and unbuttoned his cuffs, suddenly aware of how much a year in Washington had seemed to age him.
He was still unbelievably attractive but now there was a worn look to him that had never been there before. Not even the most demanding missions had made him look this tired… His eyes met hers and Sam couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t just Washington.
Maybe some of the reason was her.
“I’m getting your carpet all wet,” she said quite dumbly as he continued to stare at her.
He shrugged in that way that was uniquely Jack O’Neill. “Carpets dry.” He turned around and opened a drawer to pull out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Walking over to her, he handed the clothes to her and pointed to the door across the room. “Here, you can wear these until your clothes dry.”
Nodding wordlessly, she took the offered garments and headed in the direction of what she was sure to be his bathroom. Before she closed the door, he stopped her. “Carter, when you’re ready, I’ll be downstairs.”
“Thanks.”
She closed the door and sagged against it. This was so much harder than she had imagined it to be, the tension between them was thick and heavy and it was causing a knot to form in her stomach.
What must he be thinking? She had shown up on his door step without so much of a warning and she had told him of her divorce with the man that she had chosen over him not once, but twice. How had this gotten so fucked up?
She shook her head, she never should have accepted Pete’s proposal… Especially not after sleeping with her commanding officer, the man she did love and had for years.
Heaving a shaky sigh, Sam straightened and began to peel her still dripping clothes off her body. Moments later, when she was significantly dryer and warmer than she had been before, Sam rung out the excess water in her hair and then set about brushing the knots out with his brush.
Finally with her hair untangled, Sam took in her appearance in the mirror and winced. His clothes hung loosely on her, the sleeves and legs too long for her, and the added effect of her hair now hang limply around her face was not a very attractive image. She rather thought she looked like a wet cat.
Once more, she felt her stomach begin to knot with anxiety at what the next hour could bring; it was literally to pinnacle moment of her life.
Shaking her head, she pushed aside her nerves. Her relationship with Jack would work out.
It had to.
Grabbing her clothes, she left his bathroom and preceded down the stairs in search of the kitchen, which she found in a matter of seconds and in it, him. “Hey,” she said lamely, her nerves once again hitting her with the force of a ten-ton brick as he stood in a pair of flannel pants and long-sleeve shirt at the bar that separated the kitchen and the dining room.
He looked up from the steaming cup of liquid cradled in his hands and returned her greeting with about as much enthusiasm as she had. “Hey.”
Grabbing the second cup that was next to him, he brought it over to her and prompted her to exchange the clothes for the cup. “Here, thought you might need something to warm you up. It gets cold here in the fall.”
“I remember.” Wrapping her hands around the mug, she nodded her thanks at him as she took a small sip. It was coffee, and it warmed her further to know that he still remembered how she liked hers: three things of sugar and no cream. “It’s good.”
A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips before the mask was back. “I’m glad.” He raised the hand that still held her wet clothes and said, “Lemme go throw these in the dryer and then we can, uh, talk.”
She watched him as he disappeared into another room and then turned towards the bar. Finding a stool on the other side, she sat down and waited, all the while thinking about what she would say to him… She was still drawing a blank.
Raising her eyes as she heard the dryer turn on in the next room, she watched him come out and walk over to stand directly opposite her on the other side of the bar. They stared at one another until finally he spoke, his eyes no longer meeting hers, “So…”
She couldn’t take it anymore, she shouldn’t be here; his reluctance to look, or even talk, to her was making it painfully obvious. “Look, I’m sorry.”
Getting up suddenly from the stool, and ignoring his startled look, she took off out of the room. “I shouldn’t have come here without calling first. Sorry.”
She only got as far as the entrance way to the hallway when she heard his exasperated, “Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Carter, stop!”
And she did.
There was a tense moment in which nothing happened until he asked, “Why are you here?”
The tiredness in his voice urging her to slowly turn to face him in order to give him an answer which she still wasn’t sure she knew herself, so she said the first thing that came to mind. “To explain.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Explain what?” He lifted a hand to his face as he looked away, and she heard the day-old beard as he rubbed at it with confusion. “How do you explain anything that has happened in the last two - no strike that, the last nine years? How Carter? What does that brain of yours tell you?”
Sam gaped at him for a moment; the dig about her intelligence feeling like a slap. “It’s telling me that I need to be here.” His eyes rose to meet hers once more and she added, “With you.”
Closing his eyes tightly, Jack placed both hands on the bar and hung his head, his entire body tense. “Why?”
Sam blinked back the sudden tears in her eyes as the pain in his voice washed over her. “Because I - ” Her voice sounded weak in her ears and she swallowed roughly before starting again. She wouldn’t be weak when she said this, she couldn’t.
“Because I love you, Jack.”
His eyes popped open and found hers. “Have for a long time.”
He continued to stare at her until finally he turned away and she heard a noise issue from his chest that startled her. It sounded like a mix between a laugh and sob. “I don’t know what to say,” he said as he wiped a hand across his mouth.
“You don’t have to say anything.”
His eyes flashed as they met hers. “The hell I don’t! Jesus, Sam, you come half-way across the country to tell me this now?! What am I supposed to do?”
“You don’t have to do anything but listen!” She made her way over to the bar, suddenly finding strength and clarity in the situation. Maybe it was because she had finally told him her feelings, had actually acknowledged them out loud. Whatever it was, he wasn’t throwing her out of his home and he wasn’t pulling away as she moved closer to him; he just stood there watching her and it emboldened her.
“Look, most of the men in my life have abandoned or hurt me, my father and Jonas Hanson in particular. But there’s also the disturbing fact that in the last few years, every single man who has shown an interest in me has either wound up hurt or dead, including you and Pete.” The corner of his mouth twitched and she had a sneaking suspicion it was because he had found humor in the irony that he had the distinction misfortune of having both been ‘hurt’ and ‘dead’ at various times over his eight years with the SGC, everytime scaring the hell out of her. Rolling her eyes slightly at his behavior, she continued.
“Not to mention, you’re my commanding officer and getting involved with you is about as close to what I always said I wouldn’t do… Even though this has nothing to do with trading favors to rise in rank.” She finally tore her eyes away from him and looked down at the patterns in the wood of the bar. “I was afraid of getting hurt again.”
A surprisingly comfortable silence settled over them, the tension that had hung over them since he had found her on his doorstep had left. Several minutes passed in which they just stood there, Sam thinking of the last hour when gentle fingers suddenly caressed her cheek.
Sam couldn’t help but press lightly against them as a soft sigh left her, her eyes lifting to take in the sight of him staring at her intently. A moment later and heady caress of her bottom lip with his thumb, he pulled away, looking as if the movement caused him pain. She couldn’t help but wonder if he was feeling the all too different tension now filling the air between them as well…
His tongue darted out to wet his lips and she knew he did.
It was oddly comforting being back in roughly the same position that they had danced around for so many years, like coming home. She almost smiled.
“Carter, look,” he cleared his throat, “I can understand all that, especially since I’ve got my own baggage and it scares the shit out of me that I could screw up another relationship again like I did with my family, and like you mention, I’m still your commanding officer. Regardless of all that, I’ve always been willing to take the chance.” He shrugged. “It really hurt when you left me for him.”
She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her with a look. “The night that we were together meant a lot to me and when you threw me aside to accept his engagement, even after knowing my feelings, you made me feel used, Sam. I don’t know if I can forgive you.”
She glanced away from in guilt before returning her eyes to him. “You shouldn’t have to. Everything I’ve done in regards to you and Pete was selfish and I hate how much pain I caused. I’m so sorry.”
Her heart sank as she watched him drain the rest his forgotten coffee, his eyes no longer on her. How the hell would they past from this? How would he be willing to have a relationship with her now if he still couldn’t forgive her for what she had done? Had she even expected him to?
“Stop thinking, Carter. I can practically hear you, so stop.”
Jolting in surprise, she looked at him in confusion. “What?”
“I said I couldn’t forgive you but I didn’t say I wouldn’t try to move on…” He let his head fall to the side slightly. “Haven’t moved on.”
Sam couldn’t stop the hope that was building inside of her. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying,” he shrugged, “if you’re ready, I want to give this try. I’m tired of this game.”
She looked away from him and took a deep breath, a smile starting to tug at the corner of her lips. There was still a chance she hadn’t blown it, a chance that she could still have everything.
Her hand was suddenly covered in his and with a sudden desperation, her fingers entwined with his tightly. His touch bringing out the emotions she had been fighting all evening to the surface causing her to bring a shaky hand up to cover her mouth.
Seconds later, she was pulled into his enveloping embrace, her face burying itself against his chest and his in her hair. Sam let go finally and the tears started to fall freely, his arms tightening around her as she burrowed further into his chest.
It was sometime till the tears stopped and she finally let herself relax in his arms. The whole experience had been more of release than an outright cry against him and she felt lighter and freer than she had in years, more in control of her future and surer of her decisions.
Moving her head so that her lips rested against his neck, she felt a shudder move through him as she whispered, “Yes, Jack.”
His mouth moved to her ear and she felt him kiss her beneath it, grinning against her skin. “I love you, Sam.”
“Love you,” she returned as a smile spread across her lips. She really could have everything.
-------------------------------------------------------
- So what did you guys think? Loved it or hated it?
Title: A Sick Cycle Carousel
Rating: Teen
Word Count: 3,828
Characters: Jack/Sam; Pete
Summary: She couldn’t stand to look at the broken man before her. To know that she could have spared him some of the pain, if not all of it, if she had been completely honest with herself from the start; what the hell had she been thinking?
Spoilers: 7x13 Grace, 8x07 Affinity, 8x18 Threads
Disclaimer: Stargate: SG-1 belongs to MGM, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Films. I just took the characters out for a spin.
She raised her eyes to Pete’s, the man she didn’t love: her husband.
Her eyes fell away from his in guilt.
“Is it him?” She wouldn’t answer that, she couldn’t answer that. “Sam, help me out here! You just told me that you want a divorce, I think I at least deserve an explanation!”
He was right, he did deserve one. But how does one tell her husband that she was in love with another man, had been from the beginning.
“Pete, it’s not-“
“It’s not me?! Was that what you were going to say?” At his interruption, her eyes flew back to his: anger and hurt swirled within them. He glared at her for a moment, until he finally leaned back in his chair and covered his face with his hand. “Yeah, I’m starting think that’s the exact reason we’re in this position…”
It was muttered under his breath but she had heard every word. “What do you mean?”
His hand fell off his face and Pete looked to her with a tired expression. “When we married, hell when I proposed, I knew there was something wrong, that you weren’t fully committed. But I just thought that you had commitment issues and if I could only prove to you how amazing loving and being with a person who loved you the same could be, everything would be okay.” Sam was surprised when a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes crossed his face. “I guess I just never really wanted to admit that you already had met that person and that it wasn’t me.”
Sam bit the inside of her cheek to stop the sob that waited at the back of her throat and blinked away the tears that threatened to fall. She couldn’t stand to look at the broken man before her. To know that she could have spared him some of the pain, if not all of it, if she had been completely honest with herself from the start; what the hell had she been thinking?
She heard the chair scrape against the tile as he got up and then there was a hand on her shoulder. “Go to him, Sam; don’t let this happen again.” She felt him squeeze her shoulder in a comforting matter that almost made Sam lose her composure. She had broken his heart and he was now somehow giving solace to her, not how she had envisioned this scenario. “I’m going to go get some of my stuff.”
He left her in the kitchen. And as she listened to his packing in their bedroom she found that she couldn’t think of anything except for Pete’s words: “go to him.” Sam couldn’t fight the few tears that fell at the thought of who “he” was and how she had screwed up their relationship even more than she had her marriage.
She felt like she couldn’t breathe.
“Sam?”
She turned around to face the front door and saw Pete standing there with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.
“Did you ever love me?”
Sam looked away, her tears falling freely now. How was she supposed to respond to that?
“I think,” her voice broke, “I think I loved the idea of loving you.”
There was moment of silence in which Sam, now curious, looked in Pete’s direction. He wasn’t looking at her anymore and instead, he seemed to be studying the ground intently. She could see that he was barely holding it together. After a few more moments had passed, she saw his shoulders straighten and he raised his eyes to meet her. “I’ll send for my stuff tomorrow and the papers in few days. Goodbye Sam.”
And with that he was gone.
*****
It was pouring rain, the streets of D.C. slick with rain as she watched the people walk under a sea of multicolored umbrellas: a perfect setting for her mood as she sat in a cab on its way to his home.
None of it felt real.
She leaned her head against the cool glass of the window and watched as it fogged around her, wanting to draw shapes and names in it like she had as a child. Closing her eyes, Sam let herself be drawn back into the memories of the past two weeks.
She and Pete were now divorced and had been for three days, the process quick and relatively painless, for which she was grateful for, but it was the day that it had been finalized, when Daniel and Teal’c had presented her with an airline ticket to Washington with a note attached to it that had brought her to this moment. It had been from Pete and had read, “I loved the idea of you loving me and because I still do, I need to know that you’re happy. So take this last token and make sure you don’t waste your chance.”
She had finally broken down then and let herself grieve for the two years that she had wasted with Pete, the two years she had tried to convince herself of something she couldn’t even remember, the two years that Pete had wasted with her. Teal’c had held her as Daniel had rubbed her back with a soothing hand, until finally she had curled into Teal’c’s side and had held Daniel’s hand fiercely. Then she told them everything that had happen in the two years since she had met Pete.
Sam told them about the two weeks she had lamented over whether or not she should accept Pete’s proposal, and of General O’Neill’s enigmatic response to the situation. She even told them about the time she had been stuck on the Prometheus and what the figment of her father and Jack had told her, since their advice had always been the deciding factor in her relationship with Pete. But it was what she told them about the night before she had given Pete his answer of ‘yes’ that finally got them to understand what had been going on the last year and a half.
They had never known that Sam had visited the General that night. That they had gone further into discussion about Pete’s proposal and after a few beers, she had somehow changed her position from sitting next to him on the couch to straddling him. It had progressed from there and she had left before Jack had awakened, or so she had thought.
Both Daniel and Teal’c been surprised by this news because even though they had known her relationship with Jack had been strained up until when the team had split up, neither one of them had guess what had actually happened. Sam explained that both Jack and her had seemed to have agreed that their night together had never happened.
Later on when the boys were helping her pack, Sam thought back to what she had told them and the fact that she conveniently left out the part about Jack saying that he loved her in the aftermath of their lovemaking. She had even left out the fact that six months later, she had had gone home with him once more the night her father had died. They had gotten drunk once more, and even after a vigorous make-out session, Jack had made sure that they had fallen asleep curled up on the couch without anything further happening.
She had gone to Pete a few days later with every intention of ending it with him but he had shocked her with the buying of her dream house, and once more she had ignored her feelings and had told him yes.
Two weeks later, she wasn’t invited to go fishing at Jack’s cabin.
And another two weeks after that, she had walked down the aisle while Jack had been on a plane to D.C.
“Miss? This is your stop.”
Sam blinked the real world back into focus and she quickly handed a wad of cash to cabby, grabbed her duffle, and left the relative safety of the cab to now stand in the pounding rain. She barely noticed the cab driving off as she stared at the huge, expensive townhouse that Jack now occupied. It didn’t fit him at all.
Sam took a look around the neighborhood and what she could see of the city lights above the roofs and thought, none of this fit him.
He was a cabin by a fishless pond in the middle of nowhere-Minnesota, not a city clogged by smog and politics. That was more her territory, and she was finding that she didn’t want it anymore.
Finally finding the courage, she moved to climb the few stairs that lead to his door and knocked her heart beating fast with each moment that passed. The rain had now soaked through her layers of clothes and she was sure that the stuff in her duffle, while being moderately water-proof, was endangered of being damaged.
Raising a now shaking hand, from the cold and anxiety coursing through her, Sam was about knock once more when she heard her name being called behind her.
“Carter?”
She turned, already knowing that it was him before she saw him. He was standing the bottom of the stairs, dressed in his dress-blues, which were now dark blue and clinging to him, water rolling off his cap. He was looking at her in disbelief. “What are you doing here?”
She blinked, suddenly not sure herself. “Pete and I got a divorce.”
His eyes immediately slid off her face and he suddenly became very interested in the ground. She could clearly see the clenching and unclenching of his jaw through the sheet of rain caused by his cap. “Sir?”
His attention snapped back to her and he walked up the stairs. Once he reached where she stood, he reached around her and unlocked the door. “Come on, let’s go inside.”
And with that, he opened the door and allowed her to go inside before him. Once he closed the door, he took her soaked coat and hung it up on the hanger along with his. Then he directed her to follow him, “Let’s get changed and then we’ll talk. No use in freezing to death.”
She could only nod as she followed him up to the second floor and to what was obviously his bedroom. As they entered the room, she watched him as he shed his dress coat and unbuttoned his cuffs, suddenly aware of how much a year in Washington had seemed to age him.
He was still unbelievably attractive but now there was a worn look to him that had never been there before. Not even the most demanding missions had made him look this tired… His eyes met hers and Sam couldn’t help but think that maybe it wasn’t just Washington.
Maybe some of the reason was her.
“I’m getting your carpet all wet,” she said quite dumbly as he continued to stare at her.
He shrugged in that way that was uniquely Jack O’Neill. “Carpets dry.” He turned around and opened a drawer to pull out a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. Walking over to her, he handed the clothes to her and pointed to the door across the room. “Here, you can wear these until your clothes dry.”
Nodding wordlessly, she took the offered garments and headed in the direction of what she was sure to be his bathroom. Before she closed the door, he stopped her. “Carter, when you’re ready, I’ll be downstairs.”
“Thanks.”
She closed the door and sagged against it. This was so much harder than she had imagined it to be, the tension between them was thick and heavy and it was causing a knot to form in her stomach.
What must he be thinking? She had shown up on his door step without so much of a warning and she had told him of her divorce with the man that she had chosen over him not once, but twice. How had this gotten so fucked up?
She shook her head, she never should have accepted Pete’s proposal… Especially not after sleeping with her commanding officer, the man she did love and had for years.
Heaving a shaky sigh, Sam straightened and began to peel her still dripping clothes off her body. Moments later, when she was significantly dryer and warmer than she had been before, Sam rung out the excess water in her hair and then set about brushing the knots out with his brush.
Finally with her hair untangled, Sam took in her appearance in the mirror and winced. His clothes hung loosely on her, the sleeves and legs too long for her, and the added effect of her hair now hang limply around her face was not a very attractive image. She rather thought she looked like a wet cat.
Once more, she felt her stomach begin to knot with anxiety at what the next hour could bring; it was literally to pinnacle moment of her life.
Shaking her head, she pushed aside her nerves. Her relationship with Jack would work out.
It had to.
Grabbing her clothes, she left his bathroom and preceded down the stairs in search of the kitchen, which she found in a matter of seconds and in it, him. “Hey,” she said lamely, her nerves once again hitting her with the force of a ten-ton brick as he stood in a pair of flannel pants and long-sleeve shirt at the bar that separated the kitchen and the dining room.
He looked up from the steaming cup of liquid cradled in his hands and returned her greeting with about as much enthusiasm as she had. “Hey.”
Grabbing the second cup that was next to him, he brought it over to her and prompted her to exchange the clothes for the cup. “Here, thought you might need something to warm you up. It gets cold here in the fall.”
“I remember.” Wrapping her hands around the mug, she nodded her thanks at him as she took a small sip. It was coffee, and it warmed her further to know that he still remembered how she liked hers: three things of sugar and no cream. “It’s good.”
A small smile tugged at the corners of his lips before the mask was back. “I’m glad.” He raised the hand that still held her wet clothes and said, “Lemme go throw these in the dryer and then we can, uh, talk.”
She watched him as he disappeared into another room and then turned towards the bar. Finding a stool on the other side, she sat down and waited, all the while thinking about what she would say to him… She was still drawing a blank.
Raising her eyes as she heard the dryer turn on in the next room, she watched him come out and walk over to stand directly opposite her on the other side of the bar. They stared at one another until finally he spoke, his eyes no longer meeting hers, “So…”
She couldn’t take it anymore, she shouldn’t be here; his reluctance to look, or even talk, to her was making it painfully obvious. “Look, I’m sorry.”
Getting up suddenly from the stool, and ignoring his startled look, she took off out of the room. “I shouldn’t have come here without calling first. Sorry.”
She only got as far as the entrance way to the hallway when she heard his exasperated, “Oh, for cryin’ out loud, Carter, stop!”
And she did.
There was a tense moment in which nothing happened until he asked, “Why are you here?”
The tiredness in his voice urging her to slowly turn to face him in order to give him an answer which she still wasn’t sure she knew herself, so she said the first thing that came to mind. “To explain.”
He arched an eyebrow. “Explain what?” He lifted a hand to his face as he looked away, and she heard the day-old beard as he rubbed at it with confusion. “How do you explain anything that has happened in the last two - no strike that, the last nine years? How Carter? What does that brain of yours tell you?”
Sam gaped at him for a moment; the dig about her intelligence feeling like a slap. “It’s telling me that I need to be here.” His eyes rose to meet hers once more and she added, “With you.”
Closing his eyes tightly, Jack placed both hands on the bar and hung his head, his entire body tense. “Why?”
Sam blinked back the sudden tears in her eyes as the pain in his voice washed over her. “Because I - ” Her voice sounded weak in her ears and she swallowed roughly before starting again. She wouldn’t be weak when she said this, she couldn’t.
“Because I love you, Jack.”
His eyes popped open and found hers. “Have for a long time.”
He continued to stare at her until finally he turned away and she heard a noise issue from his chest that startled her. It sounded like a mix between a laugh and sob. “I don’t know what to say,” he said as he wiped a hand across his mouth.
“You don’t have to say anything.”
His eyes flashed as they met hers. “The hell I don’t! Jesus, Sam, you come half-way across the country to tell me this now?! What am I supposed to do?”
“You don’t have to do anything but listen!” She made her way over to the bar, suddenly finding strength and clarity in the situation. Maybe it was because she had finally told him her feelings, had actually acknowledged them out loud. Whatever it was, he wasn’t throwing her out of his home and he wasn’t pulling away as she moved closer to him; he just stood there watching her and it emboldened her.
“Look, most of the men in my life have abandoned or hurt me, my father and Jonas Hanson in particular. But there’s also the disturbing fact that in the last few years, every single man who has shown an interest in me has either wound up hurt or dead, including you and Pete.” The corner of his mouth twitched and she had a sneaking suspicion it was because he had found humor in the irony that he had the distinction misfortune of having both been ‘hurt’ and ‘dead’ at various times over his eight years with the SGC, everytime scaring the hell out of her. Rolling her eyes slightly at his behavior, she continued.
“Not to mention, you’re my commanding officer and getting involved with you is about as close to what I always said I wouldn’t do… Even though this has nothing to do with trading favors to rise in rank.” She finally tore her eyes away from him and looked down at the patterns in the wood of the bar. “I was afraid of getting hurt again.”
A surprisingly comfortable silence settled over them, the tension that had hung over them since he had found her on his doorstep had left. Several minutes passed in which they just stood there, Sam thinking of the last hour when gentle fingers suddenly caressed her cheek.
Sam couldn’t help but press lightly against them as a soft sigh left her, her eyes lifting to take in the sight of him staring at her intently. A moment later and heady caress of her bottom lip with his thumb, he pulled away, looking as if the movement caused him pain. She couldn’t help but wonder if he was feeling the all too different tension now filling the air between them as well…
His tongue darted out to wet his lips and she knew he did.
It was oddly comforting being back in roughly the same position that they had danced around for so many years, like coming home. She almost smiled.
“Carter, look,” he cleared his throat, “I can understand all that, especially since I’ve got my own baggage and it scares the shit out of me that I could screw up another relationship again like I did with my family, and like you mention, I’m still your commanding officer. Regardless of all that, I’ve always been willing to take the chance.” He shrugged. “It really hurt when you left me for him.”
She opened her mouth to say something but he stopped her with a look. “The night that we were together meant a lot to me and when you threw me aside to accept his engagement, even after knowing my feelings, you made me feel used, Sam. I don’t know if I can forgive you.”
She glanced away from in guilt before returning her eyes to him. “You shouldn’t have to. Everything I’ve done in regards to you and Pete was selfish and I hate how much pain I caused. I’m so sorry.”
Her heart sank as she watched him drain the rest his forgotten coffee, his eyes no longer on her. How the hell would they past from this? How would he be willing to have a relationship with her now if he still couldn’t forgive her for what she had done? Had she even expected him to?
“Stop thinking, Carter. I can practically hear you, so stop.”
Jolting in surprise, she looked at him in confusion. “What?”
“I said I couldn’t forgive you but I didn’t say I wouldn’t try to move on…” He let his head fall to the side slightly. “Haven’t moved on.”
Sam couldn’t stop the hope that was building inside of her. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying,” he shrugged, “if you’re ready, I want to give this try. I’m tired of this game.”
She looked away from him and took a deep breath, a smile starting to tug at the corner of her lips. There was still a chance she hadn’t blown it, a chance that she could still have everything.
Her hand was suddenly covered in his and with a sudden desperation, her fingers entwined with his tightly. His touch bringing out the emotions she had been fighting all evening to the surface causing her to bring a shaky hand up to cover her mouth.
Seconds later, she was pulled into his enveloping embrace, her face burying itself against his chest and his in her hair. Sam let go finally and the tears started to fall freely, his arms tightening around her as she burrowed further into his chest.
It was sometime till the tears stopped and she finally let herself relax in his arms. The whole experience had been more of release than an outright cry against him and she felt lighter and freer than she had in years, more in control of her future and surer of her decisions.
Moving her head so that her lips rested against his neck, she felt a shudder move through him as she whispered, “Yes, Jack.”
His mouth moved to her ear and she felt him kiss her beneath it, grinning against her skin. “I love you, Sam.”
“Love you,” she returned as a smile spread across her lips. She really could have everything.
-------------------------------------------------------
- So what did you guys think? Loved it or hated it?