The Pizza Delivery Boy Cometh!
Back when I was writing smut reviews, I was pretty broke. Such is the way, really, of a lot of freelance writing. You sometimes get paid a pittance for what you do, and since so many magazines need the material so far in advance and you won't get paid until your piece runs, there can be some pretty lean times. This was definitely the case for me.
Occasionally, though, we'd get tired of whatever was in the house, and scrape together the money to order a pizza. Since I was reviewing porn for two different magazines, I had a cubic assload of porn DVDs and tapes. I certainly didn't want it all, and it wasn't something that I could just easily pop onto eBay to get rid of. I found, however, that when one is short on cash and long on porn, tipping the pizza delivery guy with it is the way to go.
I never tipped with cash, just porn. I'd hand 'em two or three DVDs or tapes along with the total cash for the pizza. They'd grin really big, say, "Thanks!!!", and be on their merry way. After this happened a couple of times, something strange started occurring. We'd get pizza, we'd pay for the pizza with cash and tip with porn. Pizza would be devoured, cat would try to steal the garlic sauce, all would be well. A couple of days later, a card would arrive in the mail. "We're very sorry that you had a problem with your last order, and we'd like to make it up to you! Give us another chance! Use this card for a free pizza!" We didn't recall having a problem with the pizza, and neither one of us would have called and complained about a perfectly fine pizza. Still, free was free.
Another evening would come along that we felt like getting pizza. So we'd call, and say, "we have this card?" and they'd send over pizza. We'd tip the driver with porn. a couple of days would go by, and we'd get this card in the mail. "We're very sorry that you had a problem with your last order..."
We were onto them, but they were onto us as well. Which was fine, really. It was a symbiotic relationship. I certainly didn't need all that porn taking up room in my house, and they had clearly found a workaround in their system that allowed them to give us a service for free knowing that they would be rewarded. Pizza for porn. Hooray!
Once, one of the drivers asked me, "You have all this porn. Are you IN any of these movies that you give away?" I had to respond honestly and say that no, I was NOT in any of the movies, and if I was a porn star, what the fuck would I be doing living in New Haven, CT? He thanked me for the smut and off he went.
Then it got even better. See, I'd always kinda sneak a peek at the delivery driver and try to figure out what kind of porn he'd want. Latin chicks? Smothering? BDSM? Interracial? I mean, I had a HUGE collection of the shit, so it really wasn't much of an issue, but I did have a few items that I wasn't going to just give out willy-nilly.
I called the pizza place, card in hand, and the guy who answered the phone recognized my address.
Him: Aren't you the house that...well...y'know...tips with...um...porn?
Me: Yup! We sure are!
Him: Oh cool! So, um...how come you have all of this porn to give away?
Me: Well, because I write reviews of the movies for a couple of different magazines, and once I've seen 'em, I don't need 'em any more and the mags don't want them back.
Him: Oh wow. Really? So that's cool. Um...you have, like, all kinds?
Me: Totally. Interracial, all-girl, solo, fetish - you name it, I've probably got it here.
Him: Even...um...(stammering for indeterminate amount of time, then whispering) stuff that's not boys and girls?
Me: Oh! Um, I don't have any all-male stuff, but I definitely have tranny movies. A few of 'em, I think.
Him: REALLY REALLY?
Dude, it was like I told him that there really WAS a Santa Claus. I told him that if he could make sure he was the one delivering my pizza, I'd make sure there was tranny porn waiting for me. He did, and I did, and everyone was happy! Tranny porn, after all, isn't something that you can just go giving to people. There are those who would be incredibly offended if you did, or they would think that you're calling them gay (which is dumb if you know anything about the guys who watch tranny porn), or whatever. Ya gotta use caution with that stuff. So he brought me free pizza AND solved a problem for me. YAY!
I continued the tradition after I moved to L.A. Maybe it was just the neighbourhood, but nobody really took to it like they did in CT. Then, of course, the house burned down and my entire porn collection was lost (*sob* - I DID have some stuff in there that I liked, and also all of the DVDs that I worked on were lost as well, which makes me sad). At the current time, I'm not on any mailing lists, but you can bet that if I ever find myself in possession of that much smut again, there's gonna be some really really happy delivery guys around here.
During the entire month of April, I am blogging for RAINN (Rape And Incest National Network) in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. At least once a week (but probably more often), I'll be posting about sex in some way, shape or form, as part of a contest through the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign. While I'm doing this, if you could please donate to RAINN so that they may continue the work that they're doing, I would appreciate it. When doing so, if you would mention "GBBMC:08" and "chowyunsmut" in the "In Honour Of" box, it will help them track my posts and the donations that said posts generate. Yes, I am eligible to win prizes, but really, I'm doing this to raise money for RAINN. Every little bit helps.
Occasionally, though, we'd get tired of whatever was in the house, and scrape together the money to order a pizza. Since I was reviewing porn for two different magazines, I had a cubic assload of porn DVDs and tapes. I certainly didn't want it all, and it wasn't something that I could just easily pop onto eBay to get rid of. I found, however, that when one is short on cash and long on porn, tipping the pizza delivery guy with it is the way to go.
I never tipped with cash, just porn. I'd hand 'em two or three DVDs or tapes along with the total cash for the pizza. They'd grin really big, say, "Thanks!!!", and be on their merry way. After this happened a couple of times, something strange started occurring. We'd get pizza, we'd pay for the pizza with cash and tip with porn. Pizza would be devoured, cat would try to steal the garlic sauce, all would be well. A couple of days later, a card would arrive in the mail. "We're very sorry that you had a problem with your last order, and we'd like to make it up to you! Give us another chance! Use this card for a free pizza!" We didn't recall having a problem with the pizza, and neither one of us would have called and complained about a perfectly fine pizza. Still, free was free.
Another evening would come along that we felt like getting pizza. So we'd call, and say, "we have this card?" and they'd send over pizza. We'd tip the driver with porn. a couple of days would go by, and we'd get this card in the mail. "We're very sorry that you had a problem with your last order..."
We were onto them, but they were onto us as well. Which was fine, really. It was a symbiotic relationship. I certainly didn't need all that porn taking up room in my house, and they had clearly found a workaround in their system that allowed them to give us a service for free knowing that they would be rewarded. Pizza for porn. Hooray!
Once, one of the drivers asked me, "You have all this porn. Are you IN any of these movies that you give away?" I had to respond honestly and say that no, I was NOT in any of the movies, and if I was a porn star, what the fuck would I be doing living in New Haven, CT? He thanked me for the smut and off he went.
Then it got even better. See, I'd always kinda sneak a peek at the delivery driver and try to figure out what kind of porn he'd want. Latin chicks? Smothering? BDSM? Interracial? I mean, I had a HUGE collection of the shit, so it really wasn't much of an issue, but I did have a few items that I wasn't going to just give out willy-nilly.
I called the pizza place, card in hand, and the guy who answered the phone recognized my address.
Him: Aren't you the house that...well...y'know...tips with...um...porn?
Me: Yup! We sure are!
Him: Oh cool! So, um...how come you have all of this porn to give away?
Me: Well, because I write reviews of the movies for a couple of different magazines, and once I've seen 'em, I don't need 'em any more and the mags don't want them back.
Him: Oh wow. Really? So that's cool. Um...you have, like, all kinds?
Me: Totally. Interracial, all-girl, solo, fetish - you name it, I've probably got it here.
Him: Even...um...(stammering for indeterminate amount of time, then whispering) stuff that's not boys and girls?
Me: Oh! Um, I don't have any all-male stuff, but I definitely have tranny movies. A few of 'em, I think.
Him: REALLY REALLY?
Dude, it was like I told him that there really WAS a Santa Claus. I told him that if he could make sure he was the one delivering my pizza, I'd make sure there was tranny porn waiting for me. He did, and I did, and everyone was happy! Tranny porn, after all, isn't something that you can just go giving to people. There are those who would be incredibly offended if you did, or they would think that you're calling them gay (which is dumb if you know anything about the guys who watch tranny porn), or whatever. Ya gotta use caution with that stuff. So he brought me free pizza AND solved a problem for me. YAY!
I continued the tradition after I moved to L.A. Maybe it was just the neighbourhood, but nobody really took to it like they did in CT. Then, of course, the house burned down and my entire porn collection was lost (*sob* - I DID have some stuff in there that I liked, and also all of the DVDs that I worked on were lost as well, which makes me sad). At the current time, I'm not on any mailing lists, but you can bet that if I ever find myself in possession of that much smut again, there's gonna be some really really happy delivery guys around here.
During the entire month of April, I am blogging for RAINN (Rape And Incest National Network) in support of National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month. At least once a week (but probably more often), I'll be posting about sex in some way, shape or form, as part of a contest through the Grassroots Blogger Book Marketing Campaign. While I'm doing this, if you could please donate to RAINN so that they may continue the work that they're doing, I would appreciate it. When doing so, if you would mention "GBBMC:08" and "chowyunsmut" in the "In Honour Of" box, it will help them track my posts and the donations that said posts generate. Yes, I am eligible to win prizes, but really, I'm doing this to raise money for RAINN. Every little bit helps.