condition
I honestly think I'm clinically depressed. I always joke about it or casually say I'm feeling depressed, but (as with all jokes) there is truth to what I say. I feel so down all the time. There is underlying sadness in everything I do- a sadness I can't escape or prevent myself from feeling. I can only remember once in the last 4 months that I was truly happy.
I don't want to tell my mom, or even my brother. One one hand, I don't want to worry them. My other reason connects with another worry I have about going to a doctor; what if I'm not depressed? What if I'm just a lonely girl who's trying (and failing) to adjust to a new life? Then I'll have no one to blame but myself. I won't be able to blame the illness. I'm afraid that I'm just this way because I am this way. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't believe that a person can be this sad and lonely all the time. What will my parents and brother say when I am diagnosed with nothing but mere poor social skills and an inability to deal with stress?
Do I just need someone to talk to? Sometimes I think that's the answer, but even when I say my problems and worries aloud, I know any person listening can't fix my problems. They can't bring me back to the time and place I sealed my fate. They can't cure the feelings of worthlessness I feel in my class. They can't put me on a plane to Japan, they can't convince me to leave everything behind in favor of an enriching educational experience.
I am just so disappointed with myself, on top of everything else. I hate where I am.
I don't want to tell my mom, or even my brother. One one hand, I don't want to worry them. My other reason connects with another worry I have about going to a doctor; what if I'm not depressed? What if I'm just a lonely girl who's trying (and failing) to adjust to a new life? Then I'll have no one to blame but myself. I won't be able to blame the illness. I'm afraid that I'm just this way because I am this way. I know it sounds horrible, but I can't believe that a person can be this sad and lonely all the time. What will my parents and brother say when I am diagnosed with nothing but mere poor social skills and an inability to deal with stress?
Do I just need someone to talk to? Sometimes I think that's the answer, but even when I say my problems and worries aloud, I know any person listening can't fix my problems. They can't bring me back to the time and place I sealed my fate. They can't cure the feelings of worthlessness I feel in my class. They can't put me on a plane to Japan, they can't convince me to leave everything behind in favor of an enriching educational experience.
I am just so disappointed with myself, on top of everything else. I hate where I am.