The AmberMUSH Operetta, Act I, written approx 1994
The AmberMUSH Operetta, saved from a virtual hard drive! This does NOT include the songs that were cut, and I apparently no longer have them anymore. It's too bad, too, because Tiffany's 'Cobra of Amber' was among them, and it was (like so much of her other work) utterly brilliant.i have marked the names of the tunes for some of the songs, when I could remember them. But here is the rest of it, at any rate. Enjoy!
The AmberMUSH Libretto
by
Sir W.S. Gilbert*
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
SIEGFRIED (A newbie with high hopes)
CHASTITY/CHARITY (A young woman with a burning desire)
SHA KATRIL (A villainess)
USAGI (A expository sort of being)
AZUTH (A chaos stooge, son of JENNER)
BLEYS (A conceited Elder)
CRASH (A guy who rp's lite)
JENNER (The King of Chaos and all-around bad guy)
FINNDO (A cranky Elder)
FLORA (An Elder of easy virtue)
AMON (A court flunky for JENNER)
Chorus of Elder Amberites, Chaosians, Letchers,
Amber Guard and WEB lurkers
---------------------------------------------
Act I - The World's End Bar
Act II - Still in the World's End Bar
Act III - Neimand's, The Courtyard of the Lords, and Castle Amber
* (And by Sir W.S. Gilbert we actually mean several people having nothing to
do with the famous gentleman. See the bit at the end for the culprits.)
ACT ONE
Scene. - The World's End Bar, a tavern drifting through the shadowrealities. The tables are filled with a motley collection of characters culled from little-read fantasy novels and forgotten television shows, animate and inanimate pets and objects, and several things best left unmentioned.
WEB CHORUS (We sit in sullen silence, 'Mikado')
We sit like sullen statues in the World's End Bar,
Our silly, sorry asses stuck to the seats like tar:
'til a bit of bitter banter rises from the floor,
And we leap and lunge around with a will for war!
Enter SIEGFRIED in an attitude of great wonder and curiosity.
RECIT. - SIEGFRIED
Oh, what an amazing thing this is, suddenly finding such a curious place, with such wonderous inhabitants. Tell me all, if you will, what place have I come to?
USAGI. Why, don't you know about shadow universes, the pattern, Amber and the Courts of Chaos?
SIEG. Why, no... could you explain it to me?
(A chorus of groans go up from the bar patrons)
SIEG. What?
PATRON. He hasn't read the books. Typical newbie.
SONG - WEB CHORUS, SIEGFRIED and USAGI (So please you all, 'Mikado')
SIEG So please you all, I much regret
If I have failed in etiquette
I'll give the books one more try
And I'll know better by and by.
But newbies, of course, must have
their fling,
So pardon me,
So pardon me,
And don't, in MUSH-ing's happy spring,
Be hard on me,
Be hard on me,
If I'm inclined to question a thing.
WEB CHORUS But newbies, of course, etc.
USAGI I think you ought to recollect
You knew the theme ere your connect
The books are but the merest few;
But nobody reads them, why should you?
That newbies of course must have
their fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To your mind the theme I'll bring -
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
While the glories of Amber I sing.
(pulls SIEG. off to one side and starts whispering)
WEB CHORUS But newbies, of course, etc.
(All return to their table conversations except SIEGFRIED and USAGI, who break off their whispered conversation.)
SIEG. Well, that's all quite amazing. Amberites, Chaosians, and all the people of the shadow realities, hmm? The royalty of Amber, hmm? Well, thanks for the information.
(SEIGFRIED digs out a large pendant with a prominent unicorn on it and hangs it around his neck.)
USAGI. No problem. If you really want help though, there are newbie helpers wandering around sometimes.
Enter AZUTH
AZUTH. Did someone mention a newbie? A veritable neophyte in this great story of ours?
SIEG. That would be me.
(AZUTH wraps a more-than-friendly arm around SIEGFRIED.)
AZUTH. Stick with me, kid, and I'll steer you right. So tell me, what's your story?
SONG - SIEGFRIED with USAGI (A Wand'ring Minstrel I, 'Mikado')
SIEG. A wandering warrior I -
A man of thrusts and slashes,
Of parries, cuts and bashes,
And manly battle cry!
My world was dull and dry
Its history depressing,
I believe I am repressing,
The details though I try!
The details though I try.
USAGI. A wandering warrior you
From somewhere far away now,
I've seen your world, I must vow
I'll swear every word is true!
SIEG. A noble man I think
At least I do declare it,
I know my heart would merit,
Or should I call a shrink?
This pendant 'round my neck,
Is as obvious as heck,
But would you call me twink?
Yes, would you call me twink?
WEB CHORUS. (whispered voice) Oh, no, not *another* kid with a Unicorn Pendant. He's probably an amnesiac orphan twin, too.
SEIG. I'm an amnesiac orphan twin, too.
(A patron in the bar faints dead away with an audible *thud*)
SONG - WEB CHORUS (less one singer)
It seems like every kid that comes along these days
Wears a little pendant of a Unicorn.
It isn't too original; we're not amazed
But he's a newbie, we'll try not to scorn.
Last month, though we don't know why,
Vampiracy was the trend du jour,
Next week, we will testify,
Japanese or Dragons, we are sure.
AZUTH. So, you think you're an Amberite's kid, eh? (He walks over and examines the pendant.) Clever, but you never can tell. There are sugar-candy crowns of Amber in half the Bars in Shadow. Why not imitation Unicorn pendants? Everyone knows the Unicorn's the royal symbol of Amber.
SONG - AZUTH
AZUTH. I'm Unofficial Helper to the newbie sort,
That is, if I don't eat them as a snack.
But here you are in Amber now, and I'll be short:
you've not a hope of ever going back.
Family, that is what you need
Name and place and a job to do,
If you were of Amber-breed,
That would give you instant power, too.
AZUTH. (aside) Of course, the very best way to make a name is to RP well and make people want to play with you. But that way takes time. Adoption is so much quicker.
WEB CHORUS. You want an Amber Parent? Well, just join the club
A little symbol will not make it so.
You have the little pendant, kid, but here's the rub,
You've got to justify it, don'tcha know?
SEIG. You mean I can't just say I have (get(parent/Amberprince[rand(10)])) as my father? Everybody knows how much they sleep around. They must have hundreds of shadow-brats running around, each, no matter how infertile they claim to be.
AZUTH. Well, you see, even if you are of Amber blood, you have to get a parent to recognise you, and that can be a very hard thing. It's worth it, though. It's great for getting the Chicks.
SEIG. What has being an Amberite got to do with Chicks, er, I mean, women?
AZUTH. (Sings, aside to audience.)
Truth is, Chicks Dig Amberites,
I of all people ought to know,
Half-blood, son of both am I,
It's the only way to go!
AZUTH. Power, my boy, power. Why do you think it's so hard to get them to recognise their kids? Because they'd have to share their power of Pattern, and they don't like to do that, it's annoying, and it gives them potential rivals. They don't like that. Pattern is great. Of course, by the time they can call up Pattern, *I* can have called up the Logrus and whipped their butts, but that's neither here nor there.
SIEG. I'm sure it isn't. (AZUTH frowns.) Well, I'm sure finding out who my parent is won't be that hard. After all, when one has a Unicorn pendant, the battle is half over, isn't it?
AZUTH. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I'm bored, so I'm going to go over to that table and stare at the wall. See ya.
(SEIG. watches AZUTH plop down at a table and tune out, then wanders over to the bar and orders a variety of silly drinks.)
Enter CHASTITY, hesitantly. All watch as she dreamily wanders
around the room:
SONG - CHASTITY
I am called sweetest Chastity
A girl as pure as any may be
Who wears her hair down to her knees
And is the world's supreme beauty.
I seek a lover's hand for mine,
To walk with me in even'tine,
Along the moonlit seashoreline,
Who'll love me for myself sublime.
To speak with me by warm firelight.
I'll sing him songs of soft delight,
And give myself to him this night,
If he should be an Amberite!
His blood must flow hot vibrantly,
With power of pattern, passionately!
An Amber Prince is all for me,
I chose it for my destiny!
(SIEGFIED stands transfixed by this vision of loveliness for but a moment.)
SIEG. Excuse me...
CHAST. Yes?
SIEG. I couldn't help overhearing your plight, and I thought I might help you out. (Fingers the pendant.) You see, I am an Amberite.
CHAST. Really? Oh, joy of joys! Do you have a girlfriend, or a wife yet?
SIEG. Well, no, you see I've only been...
CHAST. (Interrupting) Oh good! So many of the Elders are spoken for already! Are you a prince? Do you like my dress?
SIEG. It's beautiful, but you see when I said...
CHAST. (Blushes) Thank you. (Gazes deep into SIEGFRIED's eyes). Do you love me, even a little bit?
SIEG. (Stammers)
CHAST. Tell me how much you love me, my prince!
SONG - SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY
SEIG. There's nothing else in all the world but you and I,
All else fades into obscurity,
In the light of this Love's purity,
I'll be a fool forever if I once deny!
(He moves closer to her)
CHAST. Now I know why I desired an Amberite,
How I guarded my virginity,
As I sought that masculinity,
Unto which I would surrender my delight!
(She moves next to him)
SEIG. It's still beyond the grasping of my startled mind,
Had I dreamed the possibility;
Had I know my own virility, (ahem)
E'en then, I still would not have hoped or dreamed to find...
CHAST. I have at last the thing that I sought most in life,
Thus to join my femininity
With a love of such pristinity;
Fulfillment of my destiny as Seigfried's wife!
(They embrace)
(BOTH). A love so pure and true, complete and undefiled,
And a love of such simplicity
And which gives us such felicity,
Has shown us Truth at last; and we are reconciled.
Enter SHA KATRIL as SIEGFREID and CHASTITY move to stage left.
SONG - SHA KATRIL
SHA. I am a Dragon,
Evil and Sorcerous,
I'll tell you how to be,
If you are one of us.
I have a treasure-hoard,
I guard it carefully --
It's mine, it isn't yours --
Watch it, don't mess with me!
I am a Shifter,
I appear human,
You'd never know. . .I'm anything else!
Anything else!
Randomly violent,
Evil and powerful,
My favorite TinyPlots
Depend on mind-control.
A leather-lesbian,
I like sweet pretty things.
My Evil Psyche stats
Help me to pull their strings.
Dragons are priv'leged,
And deserve freedoms
I don't permit. . .to anyone else!
Anyone else
Oh, anyone else.
(SHA KATRIL greets everyone in the bar in a friendly fashion, then spies SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY in their embrace to one side.)
SHA. Oh hello! You must be new here.
SIEG. Well, yes actually.
SHA. Not you, her. (Moves over to CHASTITY). Say, wanna see my bar? It's got a dragon mural. It's great!
CHAST. No, thanks. We were just talking together...
SHA. No problem. You can come to the bar anytime. Of course, only I could take you to it, so you'll have to come and see me about it. Then I can show you all of Dragon Keep!
SIEG. I suppose this is a place that has many dragons?
SHA. Of course. Tons. Well, some. They may not be there when you come, so don't be disappointed. They like to conceal themselves.
CHAST. (Faking interest) Really?
SHA. (Enthusiastically) Yes, really! In fact... (looks around slyly), I'm a dragon! Yes! Oh, you roll your eyes in disbelief! Don't, because I could become a dragon right here and now! Then you'd be scared, let me tell you! I usually go around in human form, though. Human form has much better possibilities for... (leers at CHASTITY).
CHAST. Uhm, sure. Anyway, Seigfried, darling, weren't we going to get a table?
SIEG. (Taking the hint) Oh yes, this one right here. Talk to you later, dragon-lady.
(SHA KATRIL snarls as they seat themselves and skulks over to another table, eyeing them all the while. Once they turn away she waves her hands in a vaguely sorcerous way and CHASTITY reacts like she's been goosed with a cattle-prod.)
SIEG. Chastity, what's the matter?
CHAST. (Slowly) No... nothing. I must go sit with Sha Katril. Excuse me.
(CHAST. stands and walks over to SHA., who has risen and is dancing about, singing: )
SONG - SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS (A More Human Mikado 'Mikado')
SHA. More powerful sorceress never, did never
In all the MUSH exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A dangerous mentalist.
It is my evil psyche endeavor
To make, to some extent,
Each newbie's reward
A pounding keyboard
Of tinysex merriment.
My poses all sublime
I shall achieve in time -
To plot an intricate mental crime -
An intricate mental crime;
And make each innocent bent
Unwillingly represent
A source of tinysex merriment!
Of tinysex merriment!
CHORUS. Her poses all sublime, etc.
SHA Those seemingly seamless plots,
With doubles and duplicate clones
They won't ever survive
Past my stunning arrive
When I mentally induce moans.
Some say I'm unbalanced, in stats
It's true indeed I guess
But they can't survive
My mind magic alive
So it doesn't cause much distress!
My poses all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. Her poses all sublime, etc.
(CHAST. sits at SHA KATRIL's table, but before SHA. can sit SIEG. runs over and confronts her.)
SIEG. Say, wait a minute! You can't just take over her mind like that!
SHA. Sure I can. Check the rules. (She hands him a pamphlet.)
SIEG. (Flipping pages) Let's see, this can't be right...
Enter BLEYS. to a chorus of nods and waves.
USAGI. Hail Prince Bleys of Amber.
BLEYS. You don't have to announce me like that, Usagi. Everyone knows me...
SONG - BLEYS (The Owl and the Pussycat, traditional tune)
BLEYS. I'm prince among Princes, the room entire winces
Whene'er I sail into the Bar.
The clothing I wear doesn't go with my hair
O, but that hasn't stopped me so far!
My colors that blind only serve to remind
That my confidence never runs dry:
O, nobody else has such faith in himself --
What a wonderful person am I, am I, am I,
What a wonderful person am I!
The ladies I flatter with well-rehearsed patter
I've 3000 years to perfect!
The men I put down may all wear a sad frown
But they haven't the points to object!
Their ladies I woo, a good dozen or two
The men I will badger and taunt
And my prowess in bed? Well, *ahem* it needn't be said,
I can have any woman I want, I want, I want,
I can have any woman I want!
I smile and I wink as I sip at my drink
'cause I'm just a Congenial guy,
And then I'm an artist, the Greatest and Smartest:
I paint nudie-Trumps on the sly
I label them 'art' and that's only a part
Of the talent I have and I show.
O, it's neat to be me, quite seriously --
I just want to make sure that you know, you know, you know,
I just want to make sure that you know.
(BLEYS crosses the bar, finding a seat at a convenient table as SIEG. and SHA. begin circling each other threateningly.)
SHA. Look bub, she's with me now, so why don't you go away before that stupid unicorn pendant gets stuffed somewhere painful?
SIEG. (draws sword, tossing the pamphlet aside) I don't know what you did to her, but I'm not letting you get away with it!
BLEYS. What's this? Sha Katril, you haven't been doing that silly mind-control bit again, have you?
SHA. This doesn't concern you, Amberite!
BLEYS. (With pleasure) You *have* been doing it! And here I thought this was going to be a dull night. (Stands and draws his sword.)
SHA. Don't mess with me, Bleys! I can turn into a dragon and rip you apart!
BLEYS. Oh please. Now don't whine, you've had this coming.
(BLEYS and SHA. move into combat as SIEG. stands to one side.)
SONG - BLEYS, SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS (I think this scans to 'I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General, 'Pirates of Penzance)
BLEYS. I have to kill you, Sha Katril,
For shaman skills that are evil.
We've had our fill of bitter pills
And silly schpiels of mind control;
You possessed Caris to caress Priss
And using this as catalyst,
You further hissed you'd slay Sabbath
Like a sorceress who's gone amiss.
You hope to be a villainess,
So planned to be a murderess,
But made yourself a targetess,
So soon you will be bodiless.
CHORUS. She hoped to be a villianess,
So planned to be a murderess,
But made herself a targetess,
Is anybody following this?
I thought she was a Dragoness,
She said she was a sorceress,
She's a habit for possessiveness,
Is anybody following this?
We really couldn't care much less.
SHA. I hate to interject into your interesting anecdote
But I'd like to interdict any antagonistic antidote
I've conspired a complex compromise
To counter you contrariwise.
It's so completely cogitised
That it had to be computerised;
Digitised and analysed..so marvellously modernised.
That it will not fail to hypnotise,
And turn our tangled tinyplot into a torrid tale of Telebots
With twisted tentacles and lots of terrifying techno-pods,
That tear out any evil thoughts and try to tie us down to cots
To impregnate us with tiny-sex so no one has to die!
(BLEYS. and SHA. maneuver back and forth for a moment, then suddenly BLEYS.makes a lightning attack, skewering SHA. through several important body parts in quick succession.)
SHA. Argh! Should have spent more time on warfare... (She falls.)
BLEYS. Well, that's that. Now then, what was this all about, originally?
SIEG. She had poor Chastity in some sort of spell, isn't that right, my love?
CHAST. That's right. I couldn't resist at all. Really, Siegfried, she had total control over me. (Blushes.)
BLEYS. Typical. Say, that's a unicorn pendant, isn't it? (Points to Siegfried's pendant.)
SIEG. That's right. It was a last gift from the parents I never knew. I just know that my dad, or mom as the case may be, is out there somewhere in shadow. Or in Amber.
BLEYS. (Laughs.) Well kid, you look like you might have the right stuff. C'mon, let's talk.
Exit both as BLEYS. grabs SIEG. by the collar and shifts away.
CHAST. Oh dear, left alone again.
AZUTH. (Swooping over to her) Alone? Not while I'm around. Say, did I tell you that I'm the son of the King of Chaos?
CHAST. Really? How wonderful!
AZUTH. C'mon, let's you and me go someplace and talk.
Exit AZUTH. and CHAST. through the mirror.
(The lights dim a bit, focusing on the downed body of SHA KATRIL. The WEB patrons shuffle forward.)
SONG - WEB CHORUS (I Know Him So Well 'Chess')
If we had life, we would give her life,
Every second we'd spare,
If we knew,
Any way to reverse this coup.
Did she plan
Getting in a fight with an Amberite man?
Well, she let it happen anyhow,
She has no feeling now,
Nothing left but Rigor Mortis;
Eyes that glaze and stare,
See her lying there!
She wanted too much --
What did she think? Her whole existance,
Gone in a trice, the deadly sabre's touch.
One of these days, and we knew it'd come,
We all somehow knew she'd
Meet her match,
And this time it would seem she has,
No surprise,
Nothing more to say as our Sha_Katril dies.
Sorrowing, we don our mourning-black,
She's never coming back,
Never again to strike in combat,
What else can we say?
Take her corpse away!
Call Crash to the Bar,
Suddenly he can find a purpose,
Suddenly, he can't take his Tech too far.
Maybe she shouldn't have fought an Elder --
But that's what she's done -- Take her corpse away.
Take her corpse away.
Enter CRASH. in a hail of light and sirens.
CRASH. What's this? Sha Katril attacked? I swear vengence! Vengence, I say! Who did this? Who is responsible?
USAGI. Prince Bleys.
CRASH. (Suddenly all business) Well, let's see what can be done for her...
USAGI. What can be done? She's dead, Bleys put his sword right through her!
CRASH. That would be true in most cases - fortunately I was called in time. You see, I am from Shadow General!
SONG - CRASH. and WEB CHORUS (Modern Major General, 'Pirates of Penzance')
CRASH. I am the very model of a man from Shadow General
With medi-skill and babblegook to spiel out the incredible
My Nanotech and magi-tech does healing unbelievable.
I'll cure a chaos cancer with one pose that's inconceivable.
I'm doctor, physic, sorceror, a seer and sort of friend to all,
To women though, my help is, well it's simply, frankly physical.
In short in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!
CHORUS. In short in matters medical, etc.
CRASH. I have a score of beaches where my score is quite uncountable
And never let it ere be said my wives are unsurmountable,
You'll never see me working on the site of any battlefield
I'll be upon the bloody ground, assuring that the maidens yield.
When bodies fall in combat or in sickness I'll be on the scene,
To aid and comfort female forms if you know rightly what I mean.
But still in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!
CHORUS. But still in matters medical, etc.
(As the chorus sings, CRASH. picks up the body and slings it over one shoulder. Exit all.)
END of ACT I
ACT II
Scene. - The Hall of Mirrors, a cavernous room with a seemingly unlimited number of mirrors of all sizes and shapes tacked to the walls. Beings of every sort come and go through the mirrors, though mostly in the distance. To one side is an impressively ornate mirror flanked by a brace of guards in vaguely medieval livery and silver armour.
SONG - AMBER GUARD CHORUS
When chaosians appear,
Taran-tarump!
Our resolve turns into fear!
Taran-tarump!
And the wisest thing of all
Taran-tarump!
Is to pull a trump and call.
Taran-tarump!
For when chaos threatens us
Taran-tarump!
With their poses multifarious
Taran-tarump!
It is best to rally all
Taran-tarump!
With the trumping type of call
Taran-tarump!
With the trumping type of call!
Taran-tarump, taran-tarump, taran-tarump, etc
Enter CHASTITY and LETCHERS CHORUS, a disreputable-looking crowd with overly-intimate manners and leering contenances.
CHAS. Oh thank you, you've all been so kind to me these last few days.
CHORUS. (Makes soothing sounds and maneuver strategically around her.)
CHAS. Now please, you know I'm promised to another.
SONG - CHASTITY. and LETCHERS CHORUS.
CHAST. I made eye contact with an Amberite
LETCH. (softly) And a right good eye contact, too ...
CHAST. Now you're all very nice, I'd love you in a trice,
If you were Amberites too ...
LETCH. (softly) Now we're all very nice, she'd love us in a trice,
If we were Amberites too ...
CHAST. But I feel a void inside, now I cannot be his bride,
And no other man will do.
(crescendo)
And I'm really not sure why, because he's not much of a guy,
But I'll never, never be untrue!
LETCH. What, never?
CHAST. No, never.
LETCH. What, _never?_
CHAST. Hardly ever!
LETCH. She'll hardly ever be untrue!
So shed a tear, and shed three more
For now she'll never have him anymore,
So shed a tear, and shed three more, for
She'll never have him anymore!
CHAST. He was pulled away by circumstance,
LETCH. It's a magic we all wish we knew,
CHAST. Amber blood will never be, and I worry that you'll be,
The replacement that I'll find.
LETCH. We're exceedingly polite, and we'll make you feel all right,
If we're the ones you find.
CHAST: I don't deserve this fate,
We didn't even have a date,
Oh, pity me, pity me-ee ...
Though I've been shameless, it's true,
Do I deserve this? Not!
LETCH. But he'll never ever have Amber blood.
CHAST. What, never?
LETCH. No, never!
CHAST. What, _never?_
LETCH. No, never!
CHAST. And he'll never ever have Amber blood!
LETCH. So shed a tear, and shed three more,
For now she'll never have him anymore,
So shed a tear, and shed three more,
(Though we'll make her feel much better,)
She'll have him nevermore!
LETCH. (Aside) At least, that's our story and we're sticking to it!
Exit CHASTITY. and LETCHERS CHORUS stage left.
Enter SIEG., and the ELDER CHORUS stage right. SIEG. is looking a bit downcast.
BLEYS. So you see, you can't actually _say_ you're an Amberite until you can get an elder to admit to being your parent. Nice try with the pendant, though.
SIEG. Oh, unhappy day! Are none of you willing...?
BLEYS. Hey, I have difficulty enough with the kids I already have.
SIEG. That's it then. My happiness with Chastity is doomed.
FINNDO. Why?
SIEG. She fell in love with me because I claimed I was an Amberite. Now she shall learn that I cannot prove my parentage and reject me!
FINNDO. You sure you want be part of Amber?
SIEG. Of course, doesn't everyone?
FINNDO. (grunts) No.
SIEG. But you're an Elder! Surely you're part of Amber already?
FINNDO. No. I live in the shadow realities. Have my own kingdom.
SIEG. So you think living in shadow is better?
FINNDO. No, I don't think much of shadow, but compared to Amber 'tis
respectability indeed. No, I shall live and pose... a Shadow King!
SONG - FINNDO. AND ELDER CHORUS. (For He Is a Pirate King, 'Pirates of Penzance')
FINNDO. Oh better far to glare and glower
In a realm that I have total power
Than to play a secondary part
With a shadow head and a shadow heart.
Away to the world of Amber go you
Where priviledge goes to but a few
But I'll be true to the song I sing
And live and pose, a Shadow King!
Oh, I am a Shadow King
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
I am a Shadow King
ELDER. He is! He is a De'alund King!
FINNDO. And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
ELDER. Hurrah! Hurrah for the De'alund King!
For he is a Shadow King
Hurrah for the Shadow King, etc.
FINNDO. When I sally forth to the World's End Bar
I seduce the ladies with my feats thus far
I get less tinysex it's true
Than a normal Amberite would do.
But many an elder with a name so bold
If they want to seduce the whole household
Must manage, somehow, to sleaze through
More begging and pleading than ever I do!
Oh, I am a Shadow King
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
I am a Shadow King
ELDER. He is! He is a De'alund King!
FINNDO. And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
ELDER. Hurrah! Hurrah for the De'alund King!
For he is a Shadow King
Hurrah for the Shadow King, etc.
Exit FINNDO with a grand flourish. All wave as he leaves.
SIEG. A noble sentiment, but not one that helps me with my problem. Oh, my lovely Chastity, I shall surely lose her if I do not prove my worth.
BLEYS. Sorry, can't help you there.
SONG - SIEG. AND ELDER CHORUS (O is there not one maiden breast, 'Pirates of Penzance')
SIEG. Oh is there not one elder breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Suborn a newbie sense of duty
Who would not give up willingly
All loving parental ambition
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position
Oh is there not one elder here
Whose awful plots and reputation
Has caused all hope to disappear
Of winning filial obligation?
To such a one, if such should be
I swear by pattern's glow above you
If you will cast your eyes on me
However foolish it be, I'll trust you
If you will cast your eyes on me
However foolish it be, I'll trust you
I'll trust you...
ELDER. (Angrily)
Alas there's not one elder here
Whose awful plots and reputation
Has caused all hope to disappear
Of winning filial obligation!
SIEG. Not one?
ELDER. No no not one!
SIEG. Not one?
ELDER. No no...
FLORA. There is one!
ELDER. Oh no, it's Flora!, etc.
FLORA. It's Flora!
FLORA. Oh family deaf to newbie's name,
For shame
t's true that he has gone astray,
Today
Is that a reason good and true,
Why you
Should all be deaf to newbie's claim?
ELDER The question is had he not been a thing of beauty
Would she be swayed by quite as keen a sense of duty?
FLORA. For shame, for shame, for shame...
(FLORA. approaches SIEG.)
SONG - FLORA. AND ELDER CHORUS (Poor Wand'ring One, 'Pirates of Penzance)
Poor wandering one
Though thou hast surely strayed
Take heart, brace
Thy steps retrace
Poor wandering one...
Poor wandering one
If such poor blood as mine
Can help you find
True peace of mind, why
Take it, it is thine.
ELDER. (The CHORUS begins dancing, whirling around SIEG. and FLORA.)
ELDER Take blood, no danger of ours
Take any blood but ours
FLORA. Take blood, fair days will shine
any blood, take mine!
ELDER Take blood, no danger of ours
Take any blood but ours
FLORA. Take blood, fair days will shine
Take any blood, take mine!
(The ELDER CHORUS mills around in the background)
SIEG. Mom!
FLORA. Son!
(They embrace.)
SIEG. Well Mom, it's been swell, but I have to go make a date with Chastity...
FLORA. Not so fast there. You're just right for my plans.
SIEG. Plans?
FLORA. Yes! Refuse to talk to me, will they? Flora and the Unicorn jokes again, is that it? Well let me tell you, they're going to love this one!
SIEG. Ah... What do you mean?
FLORA. Now you just keep quiet for a bit. I'll handle this.
(The Elders make to leave)
BLEYS. C'mon, last one to the World's End Bar is buying.
FLORA. Just one second! I have something to say to all of you...
ELDER. You do?
FLORA. Yes, and I've decided to relate it in song...
SONG - FLORA. and ELDER CHORUS.
FLORA. I have this day my son discovered,
It's an important thing you'll agree
I'm not Gerard, who's kids uncovered
Surpass all others to a great degree.
He is my son, and it's so sublime
His father is amongst you
Don't make a fuss, this plot is mine
At least we didn't have sex too.
(SIEG. appears about to question FLORA, who shushes him)
(Quartet, from 'Chess')
BEN. I wish, no must,
Make my disgust,
At this TP perfectly clear
He's here for sex,
No more no less:
If so, why give him Amber-kin?
BLEYS. I must protest - our new arrival has a host
Of valid points to spend,
His player's opportunities should not depend
On if this plot's been done before
But we concede the fact that while the plot is old
It's not the player's fault,
We'll overlook that clearly OOC insult
And so undaunted will proceed.
BEN. I wish, no must,
Make my disgust,
At this TP, perfectly clear
He's here for sex,
No more no less.
Why need we father him?
GERARD BLEYS.
If this kid's so It's up to us
Then why the power-play To stop this fuss
If he's not a prate And to decide
Then why on earth Whose he is
The Unicorn-display?
JULIAN. OSRIC.
It seems to me I am not surprised
These things should be But we'll make sense of this yet
Worked out early The problem is
'hind the scenes That Amberites
It's very sad Are not such fertile men
To see the complex and How sad to see
Engaging game that used to be What used to be
(BOTH)
A modicum of fun and creativity
Become like any other MUSH
A battleground where petty power-grubbers
Slug it out with glee.
GERARD. BENEDICT.
Through the antics amusing I wish, no must, make my disgust
Of this confusing ol' stink At this TP perfectly clear
Comes the sneaking suspicion He's here for sex, no more no less
His +position is 'twink' If so, why must he get it here?
BLEYS. CORWIN.
I don't suppose What about me?
You understand the strain I just might be
Of Seigfried getting where Willing to have
He's come. Another son.
For then you'd simply call
Him new-arrived and not
Imply that he was one of *those*
BENEDICT. JULIAN.
But how can you It seems to me
Adopt one who There's little point in running verbal circles
Thinks he deserves round and round,
Amberite Blood? If Seigfried's father's ever to be found
Then by all rights it must be one of us
In short, a son
Child of but one
We must explain
How this fits.
FLORA. ALL BROTHERS.
I can only say You know, she's right?
He's son to all of you We know that night!
Why can't you recall How'd we forget
The Masque-ball night Such a thing!
I coxs'n'd all the crew?
BLEYS, BENEDICT, FLORA GERARD, JULIAN, OSRIC
How sad It's very sad
To see To see the complex and
What used to be engaging game that used to be
ALL:
A modicum of fun and creativity
Become like any other MUSH
A battleground where petty power-grubbers
Slug it out with glee!
(All stop and ponder a second.)
BLEYS. Wait a minute. Son to all of us? I mean, I know we all had sex with you that night, but that would make him 12/2 Amberite! Surely only one of us...
SIEG. (Nervously chuckling) I'm sure my mother meant it only figuratively, Uncle. She would never have...
FLORA. (Interrupting SIEG. with a glare) No, I was prepared for just that night. You see, I had a plan...
(Collective groan from the ELDER CHORUS)
FLORA. (Angrily) Yes, a plan! I decided to unite all the forces of Amber everywhere. Using my advanced shapeshifting power I made sure he carries the genes of all of you. He is the heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
(Flora makes a gesture to a group of bystanders who rush forth as if on cue.)
BYSTANDERS. Hail Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund! Huzzah!
BLEYS. Of all the stupid plots...
FLORA. BLEYS!
BLEYS. (Resignedly) Oh, all right. Sure.
(Sighs and noddings from the elders as FLORA urges on the suspiciously convenient bystanders into rousing cheers for SIEG., who they have lofted onto their shoulders and carrying around the Hall of Mirrors.)
Enter CHASTITY and LETCHERS CHORUS again, with CHASTITY in very much sexier clothes. In fact, several of the Elders do double-takes and stare at her.
CHAST. That was very consoling, boys.
LETCH. (Collective leering chuckle, as BLEYS hurries over to join the CHORUS).
CHAST. I think these changes will do nicely to keep my mind off my terrible loss...
(The crowd surges past, carrying SIEG.)
CROWD. Hail Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
CHAST. (Plants a palm in the face of one leering member of the CHORUS who is whispering something to her.) Siegfried!
LETCH. Damn!
SIEG. Chastity?
CHAST. (Running over to him) Actually, I changed my name to Charity.
LETCH. (Collective leering chuckle again, quickly silenced.)
SIEG. What matters a name, when you have come back to me?
CHAR. You mean, you want me back? After Sha-Katril took me away by magic? After... well, after some other stuff that probably isn't that important?
SIEG. Even then! I have proved myself, you see, I am now an Amberite!
USAGI. (Somehow appearing out of nowhere) Yes, he is an Amberite. He's the son of Flora and all of the male elders, making him 12/2 Amberite, the most powerful Amberite ever and heir to the three power blocs of Amber!
(CHARITY and SIEGFRIED embrace as AZUTH breaks free of the LETCHERS CHORUS to stalk over to a corner.)
SONG - AZUTH
I can't believe the story I just heard!
12/2 Amberite? But that's absurd --
12/2 Amberite? How can that be?
That would make him -- a stronger man than me!
Stronger than me? Than *anyone*
Than Jenner and Fiona's son?
I'll tell Jenner! Evil Amber plot
We'll foil it somehow, we've simply *got* --
It can't go on, not *this*, no way.
I'm going to tell, you'll see. He'll pay.
Exit AZUTH, fuming.
(SIEG. and CHARITY. move center stage, arm in arm.)
SONG - SIEGFRIED. and CHARITY.
(BOTH). A love so pure and true, complete and undefiled,
And a love of such simplicity
And which gives us such felicity,
Has shown us Truth at last; and we are reconciled.
(The song falters and fades. The lights dim. Everyone freezes then begins moving very slowly.)
SIEG. (Slowly) What's happening...
USAGI. You mean you don't know about lag? (Looks around). Everyone?
SONG - ALL (With Catlike Tread, 'Pirates of Penzance')
ALL. With lead-like tread, we stumble cross the MUSH
Even mortal combat, impossible to rush
No text at all, our connection's really stuck
But it won't last long with a bit of luck
But all across the virtual space
Complaints are aired in every place
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Frozen in suspension
It's not required now to mention
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Sever your connection
Whatever, it's the Net's fun
All hail, the lag is here!
Wonder if we've made that clear?
JONATHAN. It's the beast Shub-Internet
Who preys upon us now
With a million tasks I bet
You'd lose a few somehow
ALL. With lead-like tread, we pose a step or two
There is no point, but we need something to do
Ignore the complaints, the hardship's bravely born
For the moans of the whiners we condemn to scorn
No text at all, appears upon our screen
Then with a massive rush, our actions can be seen
The spam is huge, don't think that you're okay
There is no hope, this lag is here to stay
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
It seems to pass by one or two
But what is there for them to do
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
(ALL kneel, SINGING)
It's just some lag, there's no cause for alarm
We can pass through it fine without a doubt
When things resume, we'll all be free from harm
Save shattered ears from a wizardly shout
(Music swells as ALL regroup to a line, marching forward slowly)
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Sigh in mortal frustration
But resist the evil temptation
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
Suddenly, enter SHA-KATRIL, somehow unlagged. She dodges around several lagged Elders and makes a beeline for SIEGFRIED and CHARITY.
SHA. Aha! Never underestimate a dragon, you fools! It took me nearly an hour to recover from Bleys' sneak attack, but now I'm back! Siegfried, you are the one that stands between me and Charity, I'll kill you for that!
SIEG. Dammit, I can't move! Someone, stop her!
ALL. We can't, we're lagged too!
SHA. (Laughs evilly) Prepare to meet your doom!
(Suddenly there is a rattle of explosions in the distance of the Hall. An innocent bystander is blasted apart as: )
Enter SABBATH, PRISS, and CARIS.
SONG - SABBATH, PRISS, and CARIS. (Three Little Girls from School, 'Mikado')
THE THREE:
Three very violent girls are we,
Filled to the brim with ghoulish glee,
And an agressive tendency,
Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: Everything is a source of fun! (chuckle)
PRISS: Nobody's safe when we've got a gun! (chuckle)
SABBATH: And If you're smart you'll turn and run!
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
ALL (dancing):
Here they come with railguns blazing!
Seven kinds of hell they're raising
Virtues of the Ares Viper praising!
THE THREE: (suddenly demure) Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: One violent girl can be troublesome,
PRISS: Two violent girls, and a fight *will* come,
SABBATH: Three violent girls is our total sum
SABBATH: From three Violent Girls take one away,
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: Two violent girls remain, and they --
PRISS: Ne'er take damage, or so they say --
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
ALL (dancing):
Three little girls who are always wary!
Firing at those they think contrary,
Spreading the carnage arbitrary,
THE THREE: (suddenly demure) Three very violent girls!
SHA. What is this? Go away!
THE THREE: There she is! Get her!
SHA. What?
(The Three blast SHA. into dragon cutlets.)
SABBATH. Got her! Now, let's move!
Exit SABBATH, PRISS and CARIS.
(There is a moment's silence, then gradually everyone starts moving and talking again.)
SIEG. What was all that about?
JULIAN. (shrugs) Who knows? Just some random tinyplot.
SONG - JULIAN, SIEGFRIED and ELDER CHORUS
JULIAN. Although for most people, one story is plenty
Owing to the nature of the MUSH
There are probably more than twenty
SIEG. Twenty?
JULIAN. Just when you are engaged in real relations
Having subtle sexual connotations
There will come along some other plot
To turn your tale into a little blot
Upon the other players wild imaginations
SIEG. Yes yes, I see, with your reasoned speech I do agree
How can, you stand, the things their plots must demand?
ALL: A tinyplot, a tinyplot, a most ingenious tinyplot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
A tinyplot, a tinyplot, with mind-control we have a lot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
Enter JENNER and the CHAOS CHORUS, with AZUTH in tow.
AMON. All hail the King of Chaos!
JENNER nods and waves as AZUTH whispers in his ear, pointing at
SIEGFRIED.
ELDER. (Various grumbles and dirty looks at the chaosians).
CHAOS. (Various grumbles and dirty looks at the amberites).
JENNER. Ah, I see we have a gathering going on. What is the occasion?
FLORA. (Proudly) We are celebrating the discovery of my son Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
(The crowd of bystanders sighs and makes as if to rush forward and cheer for SIEGFRIED again, but FLORA waves them off.)
JENNER. My son, the heir to all that? How very nice!
(There is a moment of dead silence.)
FLORA. Your son?
JENNER. Yes, my son. Nice to see you, Siegfried my boy. You're looking most chaotic.
SIEG. Huh?
BLEYS. Now, just wait a minute here. Flora, what's he talking about?
FLORA. (In annoyance) He's lying. I ought to know my own son.
JENNER. But of course he's your son, my dear. He's _our_ son.
(A collective gasp goes up from the ELDER CHORUS).
FLORA. (Quickly) He's still lying! I never slept with you!
JENNER. Well, you didn't really know you were, I confess it. Yes, you see, I knew about your little plot to unite all of Amber...
FLORA. You did? Oh, yes, well, it has been going on for some time...
JENNER. Exactly. It was a good plan, but not one that I, as the King of Chaos, could allow to happen.
(FLORA preens, glancing back at the ELDER CHORUS and enjoying the limelight.)
JENNER. So, I had my son here switch the room numbers on the hotel hallway the night of the Masque-ball. It was I that slept with you twelve times that night, shifting to each form as the night went on!
JULIAN. Just a second, then who was it that we all slept with?
(JENNER wraps a fatherly arm around a bewildered AZUTH.)
JENNER. Did you know that Azuth has advanced shapeshifting powers?
ELDER. WHAT?!?
AZUTH. WHAT?!?
JENNER. (Aside to AZUTH) Shut up, or you'll blow the whole thing. (Smiling at the assembled Elders) So you see, I *am* Siegfried's real father!
SIEG. No! I want to be an Amberite, not a Chaosian!
JENNER. (motions the CHAOS CHORUS forward to grab SIEG.) Now son, that's no way to talk.
BENEDICT. *I'm* killing AZUTH first.
AZUTH. (Horrified, as the ELDERS move towards him) Help!
Exit AZUTH, diving into a mirror. The ELDER CHORUS makes a half-hearted attempt to follow him, but the CHAOS CHORUS blocks their path. A tense moment ensues, until both sides back off again.)
SIEG. I suppose this is going to make assuming the throne of Amber a bit tricky.
GERARD. You have chaos blood, you won't get near the throne while I'm alive!
SONG - ELDER CHORUS
ELDER. We are dashing elder Princes,
Ever fighting, ever drinking;
We indulge in winks and winces
When the common folk try thinking!
But if anyone should bring up Chaos when we have discussions,
We wish they hadn't done that 'cause the notion turns our stomachs,
Yes, we wish they hadn't done that 'cause the notion turns our stomachs!
Maladjusted, never-dusted,
We hate Chaos; it disgusts us.
FLORA. But they're really not so bad,
Advanced Shapeshifting's kind of ... *shivers* rad.
ELDER. We are dashing elder Princes,
But Chaos quite disgusts us,
We exchange some nervous glimpses
FLORA. But so many of them can:
Shapeshifting makes a perfect man.
ELDERS sing,
We are dashing elder Princes,
Ever fighting, ever drinking,
We indulge in winks and winces
When the common folk try thinking,
The common folk try thinking,
Maladjusted, never-dusted,
We hate Chaos; it disgusts us.
SIEG. You know Flora, I might have been real mistaken when I said that I had an Amberite for a parent. Now that I think of it, the adoption records at the orphanage will probably show that my mother was born in my home shadow and it was my dad that wandered through...
JENNER. Quite a little kidder, aren't you son? No, she's your mother all right, and I'm your father. Truly. Would I lie?
SIEG. (Resignedly) I suppose not.
BLEYS. (Slaps a hand to his forehead in disgust.)
END of ACT I
The AmberMUSH Libretto
by
Sir W.S. Gilbert*
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
SIEGFRIED (A newbie with high hopes)
CHASTITY/CHARITY (A young woman with a burning desire)
SHA KATRIL (A villainess)
USAGI (A expository sort of being)
AZUTH (A chaos stooge, son of JENNER)
BLEYS (A conceited Elder)
CRASH (A guy who rp's lite)
JENNER (The King of Chaos and all-around bad guy)
FINNDO (A cranky Elder)
FLORA (An Elder of easy virtue)
AMON (A court flunky for JENNER)
Chorus of Elder Amberites, Chaosians, Letchers,
Amber Guard and WEB lurkers
---------------------------------------------
Act I - The World's End Bar
Act II - Still in the World's End Bar
Act III - Neimand's, The Courtyard of the Lords, and Castle Amber
* (And by Sir W.S. Gilbert we actually mean several people having nothing to
do with the famous gentleman. See the bit at the end for the culprits.)
ACT ONE
Scene. - The World's End Bar, a tavern drifting through the shadowrealities. The tables are filled with a motley collection of characters culled from little-read fantasy novels and forgotten television shows, animate and inanimate pets and objects, and several things best left unmentioned.
WEB CHORUS (We sit in sullen silence, 'Mikado')
We sit like sullen statues in the World's End Bar,
Our silly, sorry asses stuck to the seats like tar:
'til a bit of bitter banter rises from the floor,
And we leap and lunge around with a will for war!
Enter SIEGFRIED in an attitude of great wonder and curiosity.
RECIT. - SIEGFRIED
Oh, what an amazing thing this is, suddenly finding such a curious place, with such wonderous inhabitants. Tell me all, if you will, what place have I come to?
USAGI. Why, don't you know about shadow universes, the pattern, Amber and the Courts of Chaos?
SIEG. Why, no... could you explain it to me?
(A chorus of groans go up from the bar patrons)
SIEG. What?
PATRON. He hasn't read the books. Typical newbie.
SONG - WEB CHORUS, SIEGFRIED and USAGI (So please you all, 'Mikado')
SIEG So please you all, I much regret
If I have failed in etiquette
I'll give the books one more try
And I'll know better by and by.
But newbies, of course, must have
their fling,
So pardon me,
So pardon me,
And don't, in MUSH-ing's happy spring,
Be hard on me,
Be hard on me,
If I'm inclined to question a thing.
WEB CHORUS But newbies, of course, etc.
USAGI I think you ought to recollect
You knew the theme ere your connect
The books are but the merest few;
But nobody reads them, why should you?
That newbies of course must have
their fling,
Is hard on us,
Is hard on us;
To your mind the theme I'll bring -
So pardon us,
So pardon us,
While the glories of Amber I sing.
(pulls SIEG. off to one side and starts whispering)
WEB CHORUS But newbies, of course, etc.
(All return to their table conversations except SIEGFRIED and USAGI, who break off their whispered conversation.)
SIEG. Well, that's all quite amazing. Amberites, Chaosians, and all the people of the shadow realities, hmm? The royalty of Amber, hmm? Well, thanks for the information.
(SEIGFRIED digs out a large pendant with a prominent unicorn on it and hangs it around his neck.)
USAGI. No problem. If you really want help though, there are newbie helpers wandering around sometimes.
Enter AZUTH
AZUTH. Did someone mention a newbie? A veritable neophyte in this great story of ours?
SIEG. That would be me.
(AZUTH wraps a more-than-friendly arm around SIEGFRIED.)
AZUTH. Stick with me, kid, and I'll steer you right. So tell me, what's your story?
SONG - SIEGFRIED with USAGI (A Wand'ring Minstrel I, 'Mikado')
SIEG. A wandering warrior I -
A man of thrusts and slashes,
Of parries, cuts and bashes,
And manly battle cry!
My world was dull and dry
Its history depressing,
I believe I am repressing,
The details though I try!
The details though I try.
USAGI. A wandering warrior you
From somewhere far away now,
I've seen your world, I must vow
I'll swear every word is true!
SIEG. A noble man I think
At least I do declare it,
I know my heart would merit,
Or should I call a shrink?
This pendant 'round my neck,
Is as obvious as heck,
But would you call me twink?
Yes, would you call me twink?
WEB CHORUS. (whispered voice) Oh, no, not *another* kid with a Unicorn Pendant. He's probably an amnesiac orphan twin, too.
SEIG. I'm an amnesiac orphan twin, too.
(A patron in the bar faints dead away with an audible *thud*)
SONG - WEB CHORUS (less one singer)
It seems like every kid that comes along these days
Wears a little pendant of a Unicorn.
It isn't too original; we're not amazed
But he's a newbie, we'll try not to scorn.
Last month, though we don't know why,
Vampiracy was the trend du jour,
Next week, we will testify,
Japanese or Dragons, we are sure.
AZUTH. So, you think you're an Amberite's kid, eh? (He walks over and examines the pendant.) Clever, but you never can tell. There are sugar-candy crowns of Amber in half the Bars in Shadow. Why not imitation Unicorn pendants? Everyone knows the Unicorn's the royal symbol of Amber.
SONG - AZUTH
AZUTH. I'm Unofficial Helper to the newbie sort,
That is, if I don't eat them as a snack.
But here you are in Amber now, and I'll be short:
you've not a hope of ever going back.
Family, that is what you need
Name and place and a job to do,
If you were of Amber-breed,
That would give you instant power, too.
AZUTH. (aside) Of course, the very best way to make a name is to RP well and make people want to play with you. But that way takes time. Adoption is so much quicker.
WEB CHORUS. You want an Amber Parent? Well, just join the club
A little symbol will not make it so.
You have the little pendant, kid, but here's the rub,
You've got to justify it, don'tcha know?
SEIG. You mean I can't just say I have (get(parent/Amberprince[rand(10)])) as my father? Everybody knows how much they sleep around. They must have hundreds of shadow-brats running around, each, no matter how infertile they claim to be.
AZUTH. Well, you see, even if you are of Amber blood, you have to get a parent to recognise you, and that can be a very hard thing. It's worth it, though. It's great for getting the Chicks.
SEIG. What has being an Amberite got to do with Chicks, er, I mean, women?
AZUTH. (Sings, aside to audience.)
Truth is, Chicks Dig Amberites,
I of all people ought to know,
Half-blood, son of both am I,
It's the only way to go!
AZUTH. Power, my boy, power. Why do you think it's so hard to get them to recognise their kids? Because they'd have to share their power of Pattern, and they don't like to do that, it's annoying, and it gives them potential rivals. They don't like that. Pattern is great. Of course, by the time they can call up Pattern, *I* can have called up the Logrus and whipped their butts, but that's neither here nor there.
SIEG. I'm sure it isn't. (AZUTH frowns.) Well, I'm sure finding out who my parent is won't be that hard. After all, when one has a Unicorn pendant, the battle is half over, isn't it?
AZUTH. Yeah, maybe. Anyway, I'm bored, so I'm going to go over to that table and stare at the wall. See ya.
(SEIG. watches AZUTH plop down at a table and tune out, then wanders over to the bar and orders a variety of silly drinks.)
Enter CHASTITY, hesitantly. All watch as she dreamily wanders
around the room:
SONG - CHASTITY
I am called sweetest Chastity
A girl as pure as any may be
Who wears her hair down to her knees
And is the world's supreme beauty.
I seek a lover's hand for mine,
To walk with me in even'tine,
Along the moonlit seashoreline,
Who'll love me for myself sublime.
To speak with me by warm firelight.
I'll sing him songs of soft delight,
And give myself to him this night,
If he should be an Amberite!
His blood must flow hot vibrantly,
With power of pattern, passionately!
An Amber Prince is all for me,
I chose it for my destiny!
(SIEGFIED stands transfixed by this vision of loveliness for but a moment.)
SIEG. Excuse me...
CHAST. Yes?
SIEG. I couldn't help overhearing your plight, and I thought I might help you out. (Fingers the pendant.) You see, I am an Amberite.
CHAST. Really? Oh, joy of joys! Do you have a girlfriend, or a wife yet?
SIEG. Well, no, you see I've only been...
CHAST. (Interrupting) Oh good! So many of the Elders are spoken for already! Are you a prince? Do you like my dress?
SIEG. It's beautiful, but you see when I said...
CHAST. (Blushes) Thank you. (Gazes deep into SIEGFRIED's eyes). Do you love me, even a little bit?
SIEG. (Stammers)
CHAST. Tell me how much you love me, my prince!
SONG - SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY
SEIG. There's nothing else in all the world but you and I,
All else fades into obscurity,
In the light of this Love's purity,
I'll be a fool forever if I once deny!
(He moves closer to her)
CHAST. Now I know why I desired an Amberite,
How I guarded my virginity,
As I sought that masculinity,
Unto which I would surrender my delight!
(She moves next to him)
SEIG. It's still beyond the grasping of my startled mind,
Had I dreamed the possibility;
Had I know my own virility, (ahem)
E'en then, I still would not have hoped or dreamed to find...
CHAST. I have at last the thing that I sought most in life,
Thus to join my femininity
With a love of such pristinity;
Fulfillment of my destiny as Seigfried's wife!
(They embrace)
(BOTH). A love so pure and true, complete and undefiled,
And a love of such simplicity
And which gives us such felicity,
Has shown us Truth at last; and we are reconciled.
Enter SHA KATRIL as SIEGFREID and CHASTITY move to stage left.
SONG - SHA KATRIL
SHA. I am a Dragon,
Evil and Sorcerous,
I'll tell you how to be,
If you are one of us.
I have a treasure-hoard,
I guard it carefully --
It's mine, it isn't yours --
Watch it, don't mess with me!
I am a Shifter,
I appear human,
You'd never know. . .I'm anything else!
Anything else!
Randomly violent,
Evil and powerful,
My favorite TinyPlots
Depend on mind-control.
A leather-lesbian,
I like sweet pretty things.
My Evil Psyche stats
Help me to pull their strings.
Dragons are priv'leged,
And deserve freedoms
I don't permit. . .to anyone else!
Anyone else
Oh, anyone else.
(SHA KATRIL greets everyone in the bar in a friendly fashion, then spies SIEGFRIED and CHASTITY in their embrace to one side.)
SHA. Oh hello! You must be new here.
SIEG. Well, yes actually.
SHA. Not you, her. (Moves over to CHASTITY). Say, wanna see my bar? It's got a dragon mural. It's great!
CHAST. No, thanks. We were just talking together...
SHA. No problem. You can come to the bar anytime. Of course, only I could take you to it, so you'll have to come and see me about it. Then I can show you all of Dragon Keep!
SIEG. I suppose this is a place that has many dragons?
SHA. Of course. Tons. Well, some. They may not be there when you come, so don't be disappointed. They like to conceal themselves.
CHAST. (Faking interest) Really?
SHA. (Enthusiastically) Yes, really! In fact... (looks around slyly), I'm a dragon! Yes! Oh, you roll your eyes in disbelief! Don't, because I could become a dragon right here and now! Then you'd be scared, let me tell you! I usually go around in human form, though. Human form has much better possibilities for... (leers at CHASTITY).
CHAST. Uhm, sure. Anyway, Seigfried, darling, weren't we going to get a table?
SIEG. (Taking the hint) Oh yes, this one right here. Talk to you later, dragon-lady.
(SHA KATRIL snarls as they seat themselves and skulks over to another table, eyeing them all the while. Once they turn away she waves her hands in a vaguely sorcerous way and CHASTITY reacts like she's been goosed with a cattle-prod.)
SIEG. Chastity, what's the matter?
CHAST. (Slowly) No... nothing. I must go sit with Sha Katril. Excuse me.
(CHAST. stands and walks over to SHA., who has risen and is dancing about, singing: )
SONG - SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS (A More Human Mikado 'Mikado')
SHA. More powerful sorceress never, did never
In all the MUSH exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A dangerous mentalist.
It is my evil psyche endeavor
To make, to some extent,
Each newbie's reward
A pounding keyboard
Of tinysex merriment.
My poses all sublime
I shall achieve in time -
To plot an intricate mental crime -
An intricate mental crime;
And make each innocent bent
Unwillingly represent
A source of tinysex merriment!
Of tinysex merriment!
CHORUS. Her poses all sublime, etc.
SHA Those seemingly seamless plots,
With doubles and duplicate clones
They won't ever survive
Past my stunning arrive
When I mentally induce moans.
Some say I'm unbalanced, in stats
It's true indeed I guess
But they can't survive
My mind magic alive
So it doesn't cause much distress!
My poses all sublime, etc.
CHORUS. Her poses all sublime, etc.
(CHAST. sits at SHA KATRIL's table, but before SHA. can sit SIEG. runs over and confronts her.)
SIEG. Say, wait a minute! You can't just take over her mind like that!
SHA. Sure I can. Check the rules. (She hands him a pamphlet.)
SIEG. (Flipping pages) Let's see, this can't be right...
Enter BLEYS. to a chorus of nods and waves.
USAGI. Hail Prince Bleys of Amber.
BLEYS. You don't have to announce me like that, Usagi. Everyone knows me...
SONG - BLEYS (The Owl and the Pussycat, traditional tune)
BLEYS. I'm prince among Princes, the room entire winces
Whene'er I sail into the Bar.
The clothing I wear doesn't go with my hair
O, but that hasn't stopped me so far!
My colors that blind only serve to remind
That my confidence never runs dry:
O, nobody else has such faith in himself --
What a wonderful person am I, am I, am I,
What a wonderful person am I!
The ladies I flatter with well-rehearsed patter
I've 3000 years to perfect!
The men I put down may all wear a sad frown
But they haven't the points to object!
Their ladies I woo, a good dozen or two
The men I will badger and taunt
And my prowess in bed? Well, *ahem* it needn't be said,
I can have any woman I want, I want, I want,
I can have any woman I want!
I smile and I wink as I sip at my drink
'cause I'm just a Congenial guy,
And then I'm an artist, the Greatest and Smartest:
I paint nudie-Trumps on the sly
I label them 'art' and that's only a part
Of the talent I have and I show.
O, it's neat to be me, quite seriously --
I just want to make sure that you know, you know, you know,
I just want to make sure that you know.
(BLEYS crosses the bar, finding a seat at a convenient table as SIEG. and SHA. begin circling each other threateningly.)
SHA. Look bub, she's with me now, so why don't you go away before that stupid unicorn pendant gets stuffed somewhere painful?
SIEG. (draws sword, tossing the pamphlet aside) I don't know what you did to her, but I'm not letting you get away with it!
BLEYS. What's this? Sha Katril, you haven't been doing that silly mind-control bit again, have you?
SHA. This doesn't concern you, Amberite!
BLEYS. (With pleasure) You *have* been doing it! And here I thought this was going to be a dull night. (Stands and draws his sword.)
SHA. Don't mess with me, Bleys! I can turn into a dragon and rip you apart!
BLEYS. Oh please. Now don't whine, you've had this coming.
(BLEYS and SHA. move into combat as SIEG. stands to one side.)
SONG - BLEYS, SHA KATRIL and WEB CHORUS (I think this scans to 'I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General, 'Pirates of Penzance)
BLEYS. I have to kill you, Sha Katril,
For shaman skills that are evil.
We've had our fill of bitter pills
And silly schpiels of mind control;
You possessed Caris to caress Priss
And using this as catalyst,
You further hissed you'd slay Sabbath
Like a sorceress who's gone amiss.
You hope to be a villainess,
So planned to be a murderess,
But made yourself a targetess,
So soon you will be bodiless.
CHORUS. She hoped to be a villianess,
So planned to be a murderess,
But made herself a targetess,
Is anybody following this?
I thought she was a Dragoness,
She said she was a sorceress,
She's a habit for possessiveness,
Is anybody following this?
We really couldn't care much less.
SHA. I hate to interject into your interesting anecdote
But I'd like to interdict any antagonistic antidote
I've conspired a complex compromise
To counter you contrariwise.
It's so completely cogitised
That it had to be computerised;
Digitised and analysed..so marvellously modernised.
That it will not fail to hypnotise,
And turn our tangled tinyplot into a torrid tale of Telebots
With twisted tentacles and lots of terrifying techno-pods,
That tear out any evil thoughts and try to tie us down to cots
To impregnate us with tiny-sex so no one has to die!
(BLEYS. and SHA. maneuver back and forth for a moment, then suddenly BLEYS.makes a lightning attack, skewering SHA. through several important body parts in quick succession.)
SHA. Argh! Should have spent more time on warfare... (She falls.)
BLEYS. Well, that's that. Now then, what was this all about, originally?
SIEG. She had poor Chastity in some sort of spell, isn't that right, my love?
CHAST. That's right. I couldn't resist at all. Really, Siegfried, she had total control over me. (Blushes.)
BLEYS. Typical. Say, that's a unicorn pendant, isn't it? (Points to Siegfried's pendant.)
SIEG. That's right. It was a last gift from the parents I never knew. I just know that my dad, or mom as the case may be, is out there somewhere in shadow. Or in Amber.
BLEYS. (Laughs.) Well kid, you look like you might have the right stuff. C'mon, let's talk.
Exit both as BLEYS. grabs SIEG. by the collar and shifts away.
CHAST. Oh dear, left alone again.
AZUTH. (Swooping over to her) Alone? Not while I'm around. Say, did I tell you that I'm the son of the King of Chaos?
CHAST. Really? How wonderful!
AZUTH. C'mon, let's you and me go someplace and talk.
Exit AZUTH. and CHAST. through the mirror.
(The lights dim a bit, focusing on the downed body of SHA KATRIL. The WEB patrons shuffle forward.)
SONG - WEB CHORUS (I Know Him So Well 'Chess')
If we had life, we would give her life,
Every second we'd spare,
If we knew,
Any way to reverse this coup.
Did she plan
Getting in a fight with an Amberite man?
Well, she let it happen anyhow,
She has no feeling now,
Nothing left but Rigor Mortis;
Eyes that glaze and stare,
See her lying there!
She wanted too much --
What did she think? Her whole existance,
Gone in a trice, the deadly sabre's touch.
One of these days, and we knew it'd come,
We all somehow knew she'd
Meet her match,
And this time it would seem she has,
No surprise,
Nothing more to say as our Sha_Katril dies.
Sorrowing, we don our mourning-black,
She's never coming back,
Never again to strike in combat,
What else can we say?
Take her corpse away!
Call Crash to the Bar,
Suddenly he can find a purpose,
Suddenly, he can't take his Tech too far.
Maybe she shouldn't have fought an Elder --
But that's what she's done -- Take her corpse away.
Take her corpse away.
Enter CRASH. in a hail of light and sirens.
CRASH. What's this? Sha Katril attacked? I swear vengence! Vengence, I say! Who did this? Who is responsible?
USAGI. Prince Bleys.
CRASH. (Suddenly all business) Well, let's see what can be done for her...
USAGI. What can be done? She's dead, Bleys put his sword right through her!
CRASH. That would be true in most cases - fortunately I was called in time. You see, I am from Shadow General!
SONG - CRASH. and WEB CHORUS (Modern Major General, 'Pirates of Penzance')
CRASH. I am the very model of a man from Shadow General
With medi-skill and babblegook to spiel out the incredible
My Nanotech and magi-tech does healing unbelievable.
I'll cure a chaos cancer with one pose that's inconceivable.
I'm doctor, physic, sorceror, a seer and sort of friend to all,
To women though, my help is, well it's simply, frankly physical.
In short in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!
CHORUS. In short in matters medical, etc.
CRASH. I have a score of beaches where my score is quite uncountable
And never let it ere be said my wives are unsurmountable,
You'll never see me working on the site of any battlefield
I'll be upon the bloody ground, assuring that the maidens yield.
When bodies fall in combat or in sickness I'll be on the scene,
To aid and comfort female forms if you know rightly what I mean.
But still in matters medical or moments merely immoral,
I am the very model of a man from Shadow General!
CHORUS. But still in matters medical, etc.
(As the chorus sings, CRASH. picks up the body and slings it over one shoulder. Exit all.)
END of ACT I
ACT II
Scene. - The Hall of Mirrors, a cavernous room with a seemingly unlimited number of mirrors of all sizes and shapes tacked to the walls. Beings of every sort come and go through the mirrors, though mostly in the distance. To one side is an impressively ornate mirror flanked by a brace of guards in vaguely medieval livery and silver armour.
SONG - AMBER GUARD CHORUS
When chaosians appear,
Taran-tarump!
Our resolve turns into fear!
Taran-tarump!
And the wisest thing of all
Taran-tarump!
Is to pull a trump and call.
Taran-tarump!
For when chaos threatens us
Taran-tarump!
With their poses multifarious
Taran-tarump!
It is best to rally all
Taran-tarump!
With the trumping type of call
Taran-tarump!
With the trumping type of call!
Taran-tarump, taran-tarump, taran-tarump, etc
Enter CHASTITY and LETCHERS CHORUS, a disreputable-looking crowd with overly-intimate manners and leering contenances.
CHAS. Oh thank you, you've all been so kind to me these last few days.
CHORUS. (Makes soothing sounds and maneuver strategically around her.)
CHAS. Now please, you know I'm promised to another.
SONG - CHASTITY. and LETCHERS CHORUS.
CHAST. I made eye contact with an Amberite
LETCH. (softly) And a right good eye contact, too ...
CHAST. Now you're all very nice, I'd love you in a trice,
If you were Amberites too ...
LETCH. (softly) Now we're all very nice, she'd love us in a trice,
If we were Amberites too ...
CHAST. But I feel a void inside, now I cannot be his bride,
And no other man will do.
(crescendo)
And I'm really not sure why, because he's not much of a guy,
But I'll never, never be untrue!
LETCH. What, never?
CHAST. No, never.
LETCH. What, _never?_
CHAST. Hardly ever!
LETCH. She'll hardly ever be untrue!
So shed a tear, and shed three more
For now she'll never have him anymore,
So shed a tear, and shed three more, for
She'll never have him anymore!
CHAST. He was pulled away by circumstance,
LETCH. It's a magic we all wish we knew,
CHAST. Amber blood will never be, and I worry that you'll be,
The replacement that I'll find.
LETCH. We're exceedingly polite, and we'll make you feel all right,
If we're the ones you find.
CHAST: I don't deserve this fate,
We didn't even have a date,
Oh, pity me, pity me-ee ...
Though I've been shameless, it's true,
Do I deserve this? Not!
LETCH. But he'll never ever have Amber blood.
CHAST. What, never?
LETCH. No, never!
CHAST. What, _never?_
LETCH. No, never!
CHAST. And he'll never ever have Amber blood!
LETCH. So shed a tear, and shed three more,
For now she'll never have him anymore,
So shed a tear, and shed three more,
(Though we'll make her feel much better,)
She'll have him nevermore!
LETCH. (Aside) At least, that's our story and we're sticking to it!
Exit CHASTITY. and LETCHERS CHORUS stage left.
Enter SIEG., and the ELDER CHORUS stage right. SIEG. is looking a bit downcast.
BLEYS. So you see, you can't actually _say_ you're an Amberite until you can get an elder to admit to being your parent. Nice try with the pendant, though.
SIEG. Oh, unhappy day! Are none of you willing...?
BLEYS. Hey, I have difficulty enough with the kids I already have.
SIEG. That's it then. My happiness with Chastity is doomed.
FINNDO. Why?
SIEG. She fell in love with me because I claimed I was an Amberite. Now she shall learn that I cannot prove my parentage and reject me!
FINNDO. You sure you want be part of Amber?
SIEG. Of course, doesn't everyone?
FINNDO. (grunts) No.
SIEG. But you're an Elder! Surely you're part of Amber already?
FINNDO. No. I live in the shadow realities. Have my own kingdom.
SIEG. So you think living in shadow is better?
FINNDO. No, I don't think much of shadow, but compared to Amber 'tis
respectability indeed. No, I shall live and pose... a Shadow King!
SONG - FINNDO. AND ELDER CHORUS. (For He Is a Pirate King, 'Pirates of Penzance')
FINNDO. Oh better far to glare and glower
In a realm that I have total power
Than to play a secondary part
With a shadow head and a shadow heart.
Away to the world of Amber go you
Where priviledge goes to but a few
But I'll be true to the song I sing
And live and pose, a Shadow King!
Oh, I am a Shadow King
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
I am a Shadow King
ELDER. He is! He is a De'alund King!
FINNDO. And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
ELDER. Hurrah! Hurrah for the De'alund King!
For he is a Shadow King
Hurrah for the Shadow King, etc.
FINNDO. When I sally forth to the World's End Bar
I seduce the ladies with my feats thus far
I get less tinysex it's true
Than a normal Amberite would do.
But many an elder with a name so bold
If they want to seduce the whole household
Must manage, somehow, to sleaze through
More begging and pleading than ever I do!
Oh, I am a Shadow King
And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
I am a Shadow King
ELDER. He is! He is a De'alund King!
FINNDO. And it is, it is a glorious thing
To be a Shadow King.
ELDER. Hurrah! Hurrah for the De'alund King!
For he is a Shadow King
Hurrah for the Shadow King, etc.
Exit FINNDO with a grand flourish. All wave as he leaves.
SIEG. A noble sentiment, but not one that helps me with my problem. Oh, my lovely Chastity, I shall surely lose her if I do not prove my worth.
BLEYS. Sorry, can't help you there.
SONG - SIEG. AND ELDER CHORUS (O is there not one maiden breast, 'Pirates of Penzance')
SIEG. Oh is there not one elder breast
Which does not feel the moral beauty
Of making worldly interest
Suborn a newbie sense of duty
Who would not give up willingly
All loving parental ambition
To rescue such a one as I
From his unfortunate position
Oh is there not one elder here
Whose awful plots and reputation
Has caused all hope to disappear
Of winning filial obligation?
To such a one, if such should be
I swear by pattern's glow above you
If you will cast your eyes on me
However foolish it be, I'll trust you
If you will cast your eyes on me
However foolish it be, I'll trust you
I'll trust you...
ELDER. (Angrily)
Alas there's not one elder here
Whose awful plots and reputation
Has caused all hope to disappear
Of winning filial obligation!
SIEG. Not one?
ELDER. No no not one!
SIEG. Not one?
ELDER. No no...
FLORA. There is one!
ELDER. Oh no, it's Flora!, etc.
FLORA. It's Flora!
FLORA. Oh family deaf to newbie's name,
For shame
t's true that he has gone astray,
Today
Is that a reason good and true,
Why you
Should all be deaf to newbie's claim?
ELDER The question is had he not been a thing of beauty
Would she be swayed by quite as keen a sense of duty?
FLORA. For shame, for shame, for shame...
(FLORA. approaches SIEG.)
SONG - FLORA. AND ELDER CHORUS (Poor Wand'ring One, 'Pirates of Penzance)
Poor wandering one
Though thou hast surely strayed
Take heart, brace
Thy steps retrace
Poor wandering one...
Poor wandering one
If such poor blood as mine
Can help you find
True peace of mind, why
Take it, it is thine.
ELDER. (The CHORUS begins dancing, whirling around SIEG. and FLORA.)
ELDER Take blood, no danger of ours
Take any blood but ours
FLORA. Take blood, fair days will shine
any blood, take mine!
ELDER Take blood, no danger of ours
Take any blood but ours
FLORA. Take blood, fair days will shine
Take any blood, take mine!
(The ELDER CHORUS mills around in the background)
SIEG. Mom!
FLORA. Son!
(They embrace.)
SIEG. Well Mom, it's been swell, but I have to go make a date with Chastity...
FLORA. Not so fast there. You're just right for my plans.
SIEG. Plans?
FLORA. Yes! Refuse to talk to me, will they? Flora and the Unicorn jokes again, is that it? Well let me tell you, they're going to love this one!
SIEG. Ah... What do you mean?
FLORA. Now you just keep quiet for a bit. I'll handle this.
(The Elders make to leave)
BLEYS. C'mon, last one to the World's End Bar is buying.
FLORA. Just one second! I have something to say to all of you...
ELDER. You do?
FLORA. Yes, and I've decided to relate it in song...
SONG - FLORA. and ELDER CHORUS.
FLORA. I have this day my son discovered,
It's an important thing you'll agree
I'm not Gerard, who's kids uncovered
Surpass all others to a great degree.
He is my son, and it's so sublime
His father is amongst you
Don't make a fuss, this plot is mine
At least we didn't have sex too.
(SIEG. appears about to question FLORA, who shushes him)
(Quartet, from 'Chess')
BEN. I wish, no must,
Make my disgust,
At this TP perfectly clear
He's here for sex,
No more no less:
If so, why give him Amber-kin?
BLEYS. I must protest - our new arrival has a host
Of valid points to spend,
His player's opportunities should not depend
On if this plot's been done before
But we concede the fact that while the plot is old
It's not the player's fault,
We'll overlook that clearly OOC insult
And so undaunted will proceed.
BEN. I wish, no must,
Make my disgust,
At this TP, perfectly clear
He's here for sex,
No more no less.
Why need we father him?
GERARD BLEYS.
If this kid's so It's up to us
Then why the power-play To stop this fuss
If he's not a prate And to decide
Then why on earth Whose he is
The Unicorn-display?
JULIAN. OSRIC.
It seems to me I am not surprised
These things should be But we'll make sense of this yet
Worked out early The problem is
'hind the scenes That Amberites
It's very sad Are not such fertile men
To see the complex and How sad to see
Engaging game that used to be What used to be
(BOTH)
A modicum of fun and creativity
Become like any other MUSH
A battleground where petty power-grubbers
Slug it out with glee.
GERARD. BENEDICT.
Through the antics amusing I wish, no must, make my disgust
Of this confusing ol' stink At this TP perfectly clear
Comes the sneaking suspicion He's here for sex, no more no less
His +position is 'twink' If so, why must he get it here?
BLEYS. CORWIN.
I don't suppose What about me?
You understand the strain I just might be
Of Seigfried getting where Willing to have
He's come. Another son.
For then you'd simply call
Him new-arrived and not
Imply that he was one of *those*
BENEDICT. JULIAN.
But how can you It seems to me
Adopt one who There's little point in running verbal circles
Thinks he deserves round and round,
Amberite Blood? If Seigfried's father's ever to be found
Then by all rights it must be one of us
In short, a son
Child of but one
We must explain
How this fits.
FLORA. ALL BROTHERS.
I can only say You know, she's right?
He's son to all of you We know that night!
Why can't you recall How'd we forget
The Masque-ball night Such a thing!
I coxs'n'd all the crew?
BLEYS, BENEDICT, FLORA GERARD, JULIAN, OSRIC
How sad It's very sad
To see To see the complex and
What used to be engaging game that used to be
ALL:
A modicum of fun and creativity
Become like any other MUSH
A battleground where petty power-grubbers
Slug it out with glee!
(All stop and ponder a second.)
BLEYS. Wait a minute. Son to all of us? I mean, I know we all had sex with you that night, but that would make him 12/2 Amberite! Surely only one of us...
SIEG. (Nervously chuckling) I'm sure my mother meant it only figuratively, Uncle. She would never have...
FLORA. (Interrupting SIEG. with a glare) No, I was prepared for just that night. You see, I had a plan...
(Collective groan from the ELDER CHORUS)
FLORA. (Angrily) Yes, a plan! I decided to unite all the forces of Amber everywhere. Using my advanced shapeshifting power I made sure he carries the genes of all of you. He is the heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
(Flora makes a gesture to a group of bystanders who rush forth as if on cue.)
BYSTANDERS. Hail Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund! Huzzah!
BLEYS. Of all the stupid plots...
FLORA. BLEYS!
BLEYS. (Resignedly) Oh, all right. Sure.
(Sighs and noddings from the elders as FLORA urges on the suspiciously convenient bystanders into rousing cheers for SIEG., who they have lofted onto their shoulders and carrying around the Hall of Mirrors.)
Enter CHASTITY and LETCHERS CHORUS again, with CHASTITY in very much sexier clothes. In fact, several of the Elders do double-takes and stare at her.
CHAST. That was very consoling, boys.
LETCH. (Collective leering chuckle, as BLEYS hurries over to join the CHORUS).
CHAST. I think these changes will do nicely to keep my mind off my terrible loss...
(The crowd surges past, carrying SIEG.)
CROWD. Hail Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
CHAST. (Plants a palm in the face of one leering member of the CHORUS who is whispering something to her.) Siegfried!
LETCH. Damn!
SIEG. Chastity?
CHAST. (Running over to him) Actually, I changed my name to Charity.
LETCH. (Collective leering chuckle again, quickly silenced.)
SIEG. What matters a name, when you have come back to me?
CHAR. You mean, you want me back? After Sha-Katril took me away by magic? After... well, after some other stuff that probably isn't that important?
SIEG. Even then! I have proved myself, you see, I am now an Amberite!
USAGI. (Somehow appearing out of nowhere) Yes, he is an Amberite. He's the son of Flora and all of the male elders, making him 12/2 Amberite, the most powerful Amberite ever and heir to the three power blocs of Amber!
(CHARITY and SIEGFRIED embrace as AZUTH breaks free of the LETCHERS CHORUS to stalk over to a corner.)
SONG - AZUTH
I can't believe the story I just heard!
12/2 Amberite? But that's absurd --
12/2 Amberite? How can that be?
That would make him -- a stronger man than me!
Stronger than me? Than *anyone*
Than Jenner and Fiona's son?
I'll tell Jenner! Evil Amber plot
We'll foil it somehow, we've simply *got* --
It can't go on, not *this*, no way.
I'm going to tell, you'll see. He'll pay.
Exit AZUTH, fuming.
(SIEG. and CHARITY. move center stage, arm in arm.)
SONG - SIEGFRIED. and CHARITY.
(BOTH). A love so pure and true, complete and undefiled,
And a love of such simplicity
And which gives us such felicity,
Has shown us Truth at last; and we are reconciled.
(The song falters and fades. The lights dim. Everyone freezes then begins moving very slowly.)
SIEG. (Slowly) What's happening...
USAGI. You mean you don't know about lag? (Looks around). Everyone?
SONG - ALL (With Catlike Tread, 'Pirates of Penzance')
ALL. With lead-like tread, we stumble cross the MUSH
Even mortal combat, impossible to rush
No text at all, our connection's really stuck
But it won't last long with a bit of luck
But all across the virtual space
Complaints are aired in every place
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Frozen in suspension
It's not required now to mention
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Sever your connection
Whatever, it's the Net's fun
All hail, the lag is here!
Wonder if we've made that clear?
JONATHAN. It's the beast Shub-Internet
Who preys upon us now
With a million tasks I bet
You'd lose a few somehow
ALL. With lead-like tread, we pose a step or two
There is no point, but we need something to do
Ignore the complaints, the hardship's bravely born
For the moans of the whiners we condemn to scorn
No text at all, appears upon our screen
Then with a massive rush, our actions can be seen
The spam is huge, don't think that you're okay
There is no hope, this lag is here to stay
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
It seems to pass by one or two
But what is there for them to do
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
(ALL kneel, SINGING)
It's just some lag, there's no cause for alarm
We can pass through it fine without a doubt
When things resume, we'll all be free from harm
Save shattered ears from a wizardly shout
(Music swells as ALL regroup to a line, marching forward slowly)
Hail! Hail! The lag is here!
Sigh in mortal frustration
But resist the evil temptation
All hail, the lag is here!
Please don't try to make that clear!
Suddenly, enter SHA-KATRIL, somehow unlagged. She dodges around several lagged Elders and makes a beeline for SIEGFRIED and CHARITY.
SHA. Aha! Never underestimate a dragon, you fools! It took me nearly an hour to recover from Bleys' sneak attack, but now I'm back! Siegfried, you are the one that stands between me and Charity, I'll kill you for that!
SIEG. Dammit, I can't move! Someone, stop her!
ALL. We can't, we're lagged too!
SHA. (Laughs evilly) Prepare to meet your doom!
(Suddenly there is a rattle of explosions in the distance of the Hall. An innocent bystander is blasted apart as: )
Enter SABBATH, PRISS, and CARIS.
SONG - SABBATH, PRISS, and CARIS. (Three Little Girls from School, 'Mikado')
THE THREE:
Three very violent girls are we,
Filled to the brim with ghoulish glee,
And an agressive tendency,
Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: Everything is a source of fun! (chuckle)
PRISS: Nobody's safe when we've got a gun! (chuckle)
SABBATH: And If you're smart you'll turn and run!
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
ALL (dancing):
Here they come with railguns blazing!
Seven kinds of hell they're raising
Virtues of the Ares Viper praising!
THE THREE: (suddenly demure) Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: One violent girl can be troublesome,
PRISS: Two violent girls, and a fight *will* come,
SABBATH: Three violent girls is our total sum
SABBATH: From three Violent Girls take one away,
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
CARIS: Two violent girls remain, and they --
PRISS: Ne'er take damage, or so they say --
THE THREE: Three Very Violent Girls!
ALL (dancing):
Three little girls who are always wary!
Firing at those they think contrary,
Spreading the carnage arbitrary,
THE THREE: (suddenly demure) Three very violent girls!
SHA. What is this? Go away!
THE THREE: There she is! Get her!
SHA. What?
(The Three blast SHA. into dragon cutlets.)
SABBATH. Got her! Now, let's move!
Exit SABBATH, PRISS and CARIS.
(There is a moment's silence, then gradually everyone starts moving and talking again.)
SIEG. What was all that about?
JULIAN. (shrugs) Who knows? Just some random tinyplot.
SONG - JULIAN, SIEGFRIED and ELDER CHORUS
JULIAN. Although for most people, one story is plenty
Owing to the nature of the MUSH
There are probably more than twenty
SIEG. Twenty?
JULIAN. Just when you are engaged in real relations
Having subtle sexual connotations
There will come along some other plot
To turn your tale into a little blot
Upon the other players wild imaginations
SIEG. Yes yes, I see, with your reasoned speech I do agree
How can, you stand, the things their plots must demand?
ALL: A tinyplot, a tinyplot, a most ingenious tinyplot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
A tinyplot, a tinyplot, with mind-control we have a lot
Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha, a tiny-plot!
Enter JENNER and the CHAOS CHORUS, with AZUTH in tow.
AMON. All hail the King of Chaos!
JENNER nods and waves as AZUTH whispers in his ear, pointing at
SIEGFRIED.
ELDER. (Various grumbles and dirty looks at the chaosians).
CHAOS. (Various grumbles and dirty looks at the amberites).
JENNER. Ah, I see we have a gathering going on. What is the occasion?
FLORA. (Proudly) We are celebrating the discovery of my son Siegfried, heir to Amber, Avalon and De'Alund!
(The crowd of bystanders sighs and makes as if to rush forward and cheer for SIEGFRIED again, but FLORA waves them off.)
JENNER. My son, the heir to all that? How very nice!
(There is a moment of dead silence.)
FLORA. Your son?
JENNER. Yes, my son. Nice to see you, Siegfried my boy. You're looking most chaotic.
SIEG. Huh?
BLEYS. Now, just wait a minute here. Flora, what's he talking about?
FLORA. (In annoyance) He's lying. I ought to know my own son.
JENNER. But of course he's your son, my dear. He's _our_ son.
(A collective gasp goes up from the ELDER CHORUS).
FLORA. (Quickly) He's still lying! I never slept with you!
JENNER. Well, you didn't really know you were, I confess it. Yes, you see, I knew about your little plot to unite all of Amber...
FLORA. You did? Oh, yes, well, it has been going on for some time...
JENNER. Exactly. It was a good plan, but not one that I, as the King of Chaos, could allow to happen.
(FLORA preens, glancing back at the ELDER CHORUS and enjoying the limelight.)
JENNER. So, I had my son here switch the room numbers on the hotel hallway the night of the Masque-ball. It was I that slept with you twelve times that night, shifting to each form as the night went on!
JULIAN. Just a second, then who was it that we all slept with?
(JENNER wraps a fatherly arm around a bewildered AZUTH.)
JENNER. Did you know that Azuth has advanced shapeshifting powers?
ELDER. WHAT?!?
AZUTH. WHAT?!?
JENNER. (Aside to AZUTH) Shut up, or you'll blow the whole thing. (Smiling at the assembled Elders) So you see, I *am* Siegfried's real father!
SIEG. No! I want to be an Amberite, not a Chaosian!
JENNER. (motions the CHAOS CHORUS forward to grab SIEG.) Now son, that's no way to talk.
BENEDICT. *I'm* killing AZUTH first.
AZUTH. (Horrified, as the ELDERS move towards him) Help!
Exit AZUTH, diving into a mirror. The ELDER CHORUS makes a half-hearted attempt to follow him, but the CHAOS CHORUS blocks their path. A tense moment ensues, until both sides back off again.)
SIEG. I suppose this is going to make assuming the throne of Amber a bit tricky.
GERARD. You have chaos blood, you won't get near the throne while I'm alive!
SONG - ELDER CHORUS
ELDER. We are dashing elder Princes,
Ever fighting, ever drinking;
We indulge in winks and winces
When the common folk try thinking!
But if anyone should bring up Chaos when we have discussions,
We wish they hadn't done that 'cause the notion turns our stomachs,
Yes, we wish they hadn't done that 'cause the notion turns our stomachs!
Maladjusted, never-dusted,
We hate Chaos; it disgusts us.
FLORA. But they're really not so bad,
Advanced Shapeshifting's kind of ... *shivers* rad.
ELDER. We are dashing elder Princes,
But Chaos quite disgusts us,
We exchange some nervous glimpses
FLORA. But so many of them can:
Shapeshifting makes a perfect man.
ELDERS sing,
We are dashing elder Princes,
Ever fighting, ever drinking,
We indulge in winks and winces
When the common folk try thinking,
The common folk try thinking,
Maladjusted, never-dusted,
We hate Chaos; it disgusts us.
SIEG. You know Flora, I might have been real mistaken when I said that I had an Amberite for a parent. Now that I think of it, the adoption records at the orphanage will probably show that my mother was born in my home shadow and it was my dad that wandered through...
JENNER. Quite a little kidder, aren't you son? No, she's your mother all right, and I'm your father. Truly. Would I lie?
SIEG. (Resignedly) I suppose not.
BLEYS. (Slaps a hand to his forehead in disgust.)
END of ACT I