Don't you wanna curve away?
Okay. This past week has been the hardest of my life, but last night after sobbing to like every member of my family for a solid two hours, I decided that I can and will get through this. My life is not going to end. I feel like shit now but everyone goes through this, right? Everyone gets their heart broken and everyone's not, like, dead. I think it was a really important step to tell him I couldn't talk to or see him anymore. Even though it really sucked cause it was SO hard to do and he so clearly didn't give a shit and was just like relieved to not have to deal with me when he's like trying to build a relationship with someone else...skfjsdkfshfgsdhjfgjd.... okay but that is not the point of this entry. This is an optimistic entry. SO basically I've just been sitting around moping and sobbing and facebook stalking and calling everyone and wanting to kill myself and not cleaning my room and not dealing with any of my homework or organizing anything like in my planner or anything and not eating and not sleeping, but last night I decided I need to start to get over it. It's going to continue to suck for awhile and I'm going to keep crying all the time for awhile but I just CANNOT let myself get in that state of mind where I think that my life is over and this means that college and my life will suck and I'll never love anyone ever again and all I can think about is that he doesn't love me anymore. My sister and mom last night were basically saying that I feel like shit right now and there's no way to avoid that because I can't control my feelings and I obviously can't control his so all I can control is my actions... I can act in a way that will set me up for happiness later and that, when I look back, I won't feel like I was a complete and total idiot. So basically, I'm going to keep myself busy, I'm going to socialize with the girls on my floor and anyone else whenever I can and give everyone a chance. I can't just hole myself up in my room and cry and like bring him up every second and be a total Debby Downer. I just need to distract myself, and every time I feel that horrible sinking feeling in my stomach tell myself that it will get better and I will get through this and it WILL be okay because I am smart and beautiful and interesting and I CAN be independent and how he feels about me has absolutely no effect on who I am as a person. Obviously it affects my feelings, but I am still me and if I take a step back from just focusing all of my thoughts and energy on how he perceives me, I actually like who I am. I just have to keep reminding myself that. And I know this is the most cliche like obnoxious thing in the world, like all feminist "I don't need a man to complete me!!" but I just don't need THAT man. If he wants to do his own thing, then that's fine, his loss. I need to stop comparing everything in my college experience to HIS college experience, because its MY experience. I'm not him, he has an addictive personality and attracts a lot of friends really fast, I'm not like that. It takes me time to build up friendships but when I do they are fucking awesome friendships with amazing people that I will always care about and I know will always care about me, and I'm doing that and I can't expect everything to fall into place right now. It's going to take time, but when it does fall into place, it's not just gonna be the fun initial shock of freedom and college life, it's going to be fucking AWESOME, and a lasting kind of awesome. So pretty much yesterday I like took a deep breath, cleaned my room, wrote everything down in my planner, decided to focus on my schoolwork and EAT. And today I was able to kind of just relax and I actually had a lot of fun just laughing and hanging out with the girls from my hall and I ate at least a decent amount and I decided to take the stairs up to my twelfth floor dorm room from now on for exercise. And I think I'm going to be able to get my shit together. Yes I'm still sad and yes I still miss him so much it hurts and yes I still feel like breaking down every time something reminds me of him (which is actually like every signle thing in the universe) or whenever there's a pause in what's happening and of course that's what I think about but.... I don't know. Like that's the kind of stuff that really WILL get better with time, you know? I'm not going to be heartbroken forever. I am not boring. I am not lame. I am whoever I want to be and he has absolutely no effect on that.
FUCK YEAH. Hopefully I can keep this positive energy up, I've only had this like burst of self confidence for like a day and even all day it's been on and off obviously and a lot of the times I'm still miserable, but I think it's an upward trend, you know? And it's a good state of mind to at least be able to access.
And thankyou so so so much to everyone who's been helping me through this, like talking to me every night as I break down and dwell and helping me feel like I'm not completely worthless....so much of what I said here first came out of the mouths of one of you guys and clearly was actually helpful, so thankyou so much for all your support and advice and figurative shoulders to cry on. I love you guys so much and hope you are doing brilliantly at your respective colleges and also hope you know you can always call me for anything anytime cause God knows I owe you. <333333333
Oh also Strawberry Swing is a wonderful song that fills me with much positive energy... you know when you just need a song that like captures your sadness but still somehow feels optimistic? Yeah. It's like that. It's pretty much the best, just like all of you lovelies.
FUCK YEAH. Hopefully I can keep this positive energy up, I've only had this like burst of self confidence for like a day and even all day it's been on and off obviously and a lot of the times I'm still miserable, but I think it's an upward trend, you know? And it's a good state of mind to at least be able to access.
And thankyou so so so much to everyone who's been helping me through this, like talking to me every night as I break down and dwell and helping me feel like I'm not completely worthless....so much of what I said here first came out of the mouths of one of you guys and clearly was actually helpful, so thankyou so much for all your support and advice and figurative shoulders to cry on. I love you guys so much and hope you are doing brilliantly at your respective colleges and also hope you know you can always call me for anything anytime cause God knows I owe you. <333333333
Oh also Strawberry Swing is a wonderful song that fills me with much positive energy... you know when you just need a song that like captures your sadness but still somehow feels optimistic? Yeah. It's like that. It's pretty much the best, just like all of you lovelies.