the heavy weight of stone

[chose]

She wavers, initially, between approaching Spike and walking away as quietly as possible, hopefully unnoticed. But the pros are quick to outweigh the cons, even though Buffy remains beyond apprehensive about revisiting Halloween. She revisits it each night, despite every effort to the contrary, and not talking about it is slowly driving her crazier

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[nobler_things]

It was a testament to how soft he'd gone as of late, that he felt no embarrassment at being found with a book of nineteenth century poetry open in his lap.

Well, not much embarrassment.

Letting the book snap shut, he put it aside, lips curling faintly at the way she practically collapsed into her seat. "I suppose I have a free moment."

[chose]

Her eyes dart down to the book as he shuts it, and an eyebrow instantly rises as she asks, "Good read?" As if she could ever be expected to let that one slide.

But her mood isn't one which easily lends itself to dry humor (or wet humor, or any other humor, for that matter). She bites her lip, wondering how, exactly, to bring up the fact that the island buried her alive and sent Angelus to dig her out as a Halloween prank. She settles on a more general question: "How was your Halloween? You don't still stay in, do you?"

[nobler_things]

He ignored the first question, of course, raising an eyebrow in return.

"Uneventful. Shockingly, I wasn't feeling all that festive. You know I hate that bloody holiday," he muttered, rolling his eyes. He'd nicked a candy apple from the kitchens and watched The Great Pumpkin, but that wasn't information he was going to offer up without a bit more coercion.

"Yours wasn't quite so quiet, I take it."

[chose]

"I got stuck in one of those stupid Cloud O'Horror things one my way home," she allows, absently tapping her fingernails together while her eyes scan the bookshelf for potentially amusing titles. (It's all poetry, naturally.) She releases a short, shallow breath before adding, "And then Angel got stuck in it, too." Buffy has little doubt he'll be able to pick up on the implication.

[nobler_things]

"Right," he said, his tone light and his head tilted curiously, but there was a faint twitch of tension in his left cheek. "So, how long was it before you started trying to kill each other?"

[chose]

"Pretty much right away?" But that isn't exactly true, she realizes. Shifting in place - one leg is lifted to the chair; her chin rests on that knee - Buffy looks back up at Spike and decides that if she's going to make him shoulder her woe, he might as well hear the whole truth. "I thought he was... himself, at first. I let him hold me. I can still hear his stupid cardboard villain laugh in my head and have you noticed how stupidly high-pitched his voice gets when he's evil? He's like a little kid, if little kids were demented and tried to eat people alive and play with their blood."

[nobler_things]

"Angelus was always unusually passionate about his art," Spike muttered, leaning forward with elbows resting on his knees, his voice pitching into a low, soothing murmur without his knowledge.

"Has he run off to flagellate himself for his many sins, or is he still working up to that particular bit of dramatics?"

[chose]

"I... I don't know," Buffy admits, her gaze quickly finding a still, dark spot on the ceiling on which to fixate, lest the tears she can't keep from welling up manage to spill over the edge. She feels foolish for wanting to cry, stupid for still caring, when Angel's behavior - assuming he's done what Spike's suggesting - shows no consideration for her own feelings. He has a twisted way of showing his love, sometimes, but this takes the cake. "I haven't seen him in weeks. I don't know if he's hiding or if he's just - he's probably just hiding, right? Just because he's not around doesn't mean he disappeared."

[nobler_things]

"It wouldn't be the first time he's gone off to hibernate, would it?" Spike asked, his expression softening, "He can't properly wallow in his own misery and never-ending guilt if he's not cowering in some bloody corner someplace."

Sympathetic to her pain or not, he couldn't quite stop himself from rolling his eyes. Some things never changed. The sky was blue, the sun rose in the east and his grandsire was a complete and utter tosser.

"As wrongheaded as it is, and as much as I bloody well hate to admit it, if he is keeping his distance, I've no doubt he thinks it's for your own good."

[chose]

"I'm sure he does," she agrees, having arrived - albeit rather begrudgingly - at the same conclusion herself. But Buffy isn't in a forgiving mood, and even the best of intentions don't make up for the fact that she can't stop worrying. If he is out there somewhere, he's being an idiot and a coward and she wants to hate him for it. Give it a few more days and she may even begin to wish she could hate him, she's that upset. "But you know that old saying, right? The road to being a total jackass is paved with good intentions."

[nobler_things]

"If you need someone to track him down and rough him up a bit, you know all you have to do it ask," he said, and there was a hint of teasing in it, a faint but warm smile on his lips, but it was an honest offer, even though he knew full well that powers or not, she could've done plenty of damage on her own.

"If you don't at least get in a few good licks of your own when he finally decides to crawl back with his tail between his legs, I have to say, I'll be horribly disappointed."

[chose]

"Oh, believe me, when he comes back, I fully intend to make it so that he can only crawl for a good few months." An unmasked and healthy amount of anger marks each word, bubbling over the surface from somewhere deep within, where she feels hurt above all - over sadness and fear and worry, she feels hurt, and perhaps a little hopeless, too. It might be the fact that evidently she's still thinking of Angel in terms of here and now, yet to come to terms with the other eventuality, but mostly it's because this is just like him and she should have known. This is, when all is said and done, the reason they might never word, even on Tabula Rasa. He'll never stop trying to protect her, and he'll always believe that he's the thing against which she needs protecting.

"I hate this," Buffy groans, burying her head in her hands. "I hate it."

[nobler_things]

"Anyone stupid enough to claim that love doesn't hurt's clearly never felt it before," he muttered, sitting further back in his chair with a sigh, "There were times, with me and Dru-- I know you don't want to compare it, but it's never easy, no matter who you are. No matter how right you think you are for one another."

It hurt him, in all honesty, to acknowledge that their was love, real love between The Slayer and his Grandsire, but there was really no denying it. He couldn't lie to her. He couldn't be dismissive of such an important part of her life, no matter how inconceivable it might have been.

[chose]

Were she wearing a hat, Buffy would tip it in agreement with the first statement, but not so much the last. She knows that it hurts Spike, too, for her to talk about Angel with him, and regrets that. Sometimes, she thinks her life would be so much easier if it had been him instead of Angel, even if it isn't necessarily true. It's the fact that things with Angel are just so difficult, anything seems preferable, at times, and she knows that doesn't exactly scream "healthy relationship."

"How?" she asks, the question directed not at Spike but at the universe as a whole, Buffy still unable to understand where it gets off being so cruel. "How can it feel so right if it's not? What's right about that?"

[nobler_things]

"There's no logic in something like this, Buffy. There never will be. You know that as well as I do," he said, knowing full well she wasn't expecting an answer. "I suspect there's a bit of masochist in us all, pet. Those few moments of happiness, scattered about here and there? Those have a way of making us forget all the hurt. We trick ourselves into believing times like this are worth it. It's up to you to decide whether or not they really are."

In his experience, the decision wasn't one you made with your brain.