(no subject)
I'm miserable in California. I was pretty miserable in Virginia, but the move here just seemed to make everything worse. I'm feeling so distant from who I am. Like I don't even recognize myself anymore. I'm not acting, singing, dancing, or anything that for so many years pushed me forward in life.
The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I feel like if I open my mouth I will be burdening the ones that love me. Everyone has their own shit going on, and I don't want to be selfish. Ryan doesn't get it. All he cares about is our time doing things together. It's like theatre isn't even an option. It's me being self absorbed and distant.
Does he remember that he married an actress? We met at a theatre. I wish he could be more supportive and offer to spend time with me while I'm rehearsing or building set.. or performing. He's acting like it would tear us apart for me to move forward in the only thing I really know and love.
In my heart I think he just wants to keep me all to himself. He's afraid that if I start to succeed in that world that he will disappear. So I guess I'm doomed to a life of camping, fishing, and endless hours of doing exactly what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Today I'm just upset. I'm upset at what I've become and where I'm at in my life. I am the biggest advocate of making your own path and reaching what your heart is calling you to reach.. yet I'm here washing dishes, washing clothes, and waiting for him to come home.. day after day.
I need to make a change. But when I look back on the last five years I see that all I've been doing is changing. Two failed engagements, lost jobs, lost friends, pissed away opportunity... The side of me that's tearing me apart is the one wanting to stand still. Wanting to show everyone that I'm not a loose cannon or a flake.
I'm missing Lara today, because I know she would have some sort of enlightening solution to this situation.
WTF. FML.
The worst part is that I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I feel like if I open my mouth I will be burdening the ones that love me. Everyone has their own shit going on, and I don't want to be selfish. Ryan doesn't get it. All he cares about is our time doing things together. It's like theatre isn't even an option. It's me being self absorbed and distant.
Does he remember that he married an actress? We met at a theatre. I wish he could be more supportive and offer to spend time with me while I'm rehearsing or building set.. or performing. He's acting like it would tear us apart for me to move forward in the only thing I really know and love.
In my heart I think he just wants to keep me all to himself. He's afraid that if I start to succeed in that world that he will disappear. So I guess I'm doomed to a life of camping, fishing, and endless hours of doing exactly what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Today I'm just upset. I'm upset at what I've become and where I'm at in my life. I am the biggest advocate of making your own path and reaching what your heart is calling you to reach.. yet I'm here washing dishes, washing clothes, and waiting for him to come home.. day after day.
I need to make a change. But when I look back on the last five years I see that all I've been doing is changing. Two failed engagements, lost jobs, lost friends, pissed away opportunity... The side of me that's tearing me apart is the one wanting to stand still. Wanting to show everyone that I'm not a loose cannon or a flake.
I'm missing Lara today, because I know she would have some sort of enlightening solution to this situation.
WTF. FML.