It can be so effin' hard to say goodby to some of one's friends, you know?
That remark to in reference to my leaving OA. I have been feeling very lonely, which helps fuel my desire to overeat. It is more difficult than I thought to walk away from something that was a huge part of my life for five years. Even though I was rather unconnected into that community, I was more tied to it than I thought. I wish there were more SF&F fans there, or casual SCA/Ren Faire people, then I would have felt more at home there.
I didn't think of unfrending a particular OA-related community here on LJ, and this morning I got a post from a newcomer who wants to join it. To my surprise, I discovered I have "program habits" for I still feel a sense of responsibility to help someone else struggling with an eating disorder. So I gave her a word of encouragement to begin participating in her local OA group. Then my ego ran away with me, and I wrote an explanation of why I left OA and that community and posted it. I am such jumble of confusion! I really miss my friends, but I still feel reluctant to do the work that "being in program" implies. It is a lot of work, isn't it, but the very hardest part of the work for me was trying to develop a belief in a spiritual entity that would help me out. I am not keen on the serious belief in a Higher Power, even if it is actually one's cat. (One OAer I know started out with a cat as her Higher Power, and now she does yoga and meditates daily. She was able to bootstrap into a working relationship with a higher power that was truly of her own choosing.) I mean, the idea of being able to get help from someone that is more reliable that the help one can get from friends alone is a really nice idea. How many of my non-OA friends would tolerate a phone call at 5:30 am from me saying breathlessly, "Hi, I have a test today, and I really want to eat more than one banana right now, please help!" That just isn't happening with you folks. That's why there are twelve-step programs, Chorale!
I'm just just trying to clear a little of the confusion out of my head this morning. I really don't have anything more to say, except to report progress on loading Anubis with music, which I will do in another entry.
Good morning!
I didn't think of unfrending a particular OA-related community here on LJ, and this morning I got a post from a newcomer who wants to join it. To my surprise, I discovered I have "program habits" for I still feel a sense of responsibility to help someone else struggling with an eating disorder. So I gave her a word of encouragement to begin participating in her local OA group. Then my ego ran away with me, and I wrote an explanation of why I left OA and that community and posted it. I am such jumble of confusion! I really miss my friends, but I still feel reluctant to do the work that "being in program" implies. It is a lot of work, isn't it, but the very hardest part of the work for me was trying to develop a belief in a spiritual entity that would help me out. I am not keen on the serious belief in a Higher Power, even if it is actually one's cat. (One OAer I know started out with a cat as her Higher Power, and now she does yoga and meditates daily. She was able to bootstrap into a working relationship with a higher power that was truly of her own choosing.) I mean, the idea of being able to get help from someone that is more reliable that the help one can get from friends alone is a really nice idea. How many of my non-OA friends would tolerate a phone call at 5:30 am from me saying breathlessly, "Hi, I have a test today, and I really want to eat more than one banana right now, please help!" That just isn't happening with you folks. That's why there are twelve-step programs, Chorale!
I'm just just trying to clear a little of the confusion out of my head this morning. I really don't have anything more to say, except to report progress on loading Anubis with music, which I will do in another entry.
Good morning!