SGA Fic: Journey to the Planet of the Ass-babies (John/Rodney, pg)
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My contribuition is this very under-the-wire fic.
Journey to the Planet of the Ass-babies
John/Rodney, team, pg
Tons of thanks to lcsbanana for last-minute audiencing while I frantically wrote.
“When you say different, you don’t mean that they love to welcome visitors by taking the smartest member of each party and turning him into stew, right?
Teyla gave her best diplomatic smile. “The m’Preg do not eat people.”
They waited for more, but she remained silent and Rodney groaned.
“But they do something else and you’re not mentioning it to us, which means that it must be really, really bad, even by your standards!”
“McKay,” John said out of the side of his mouth. “Remember what I told you about playing nice with alien cultures?”
Rodney sniffed. “You’re a fine one to talk, Colonel. At least I don’t require that my alien cultures be clothed.
*
“Oh my god,” Rodney said the second they entered the village.
He turned to high-tail it back toward the gate, but John ignored his own shock, reached out, and grabbed the strap of Rodney’s pack before he could get more than a few feet.
“Colonel.” Rodney twisted to look at John beseechingly. “Sheppard, we need to get out of here!”
“Welcome, gentle visitors!” shouted the leader of the m’Preg, as he rubbed his huge belly.
“Teyla,” John said through clenched teeth. “I’m thinking there are a few things you forgot to tell us here.”
“A few things?” Rodney’s voice sounded unnaturally high. “Yes, like the part where in defiance of physics, nature, and all that is good and right in the world, all of the men on this planet appear to be pregnant!”
Ronon stirred beside John and looked like he was thinking about running away himself. “I was hoping they were just fat from eating too many scientists.”
They all turned to glare at Teyla accusingly. She shrugged. “It has always been their way.”
“No ZPM is worth this,” Rodney decided. “I’ll meet you all back at the gate.”
John didn’t let go of his pack. “Teyla, was there some reason you forgot to mention this in the briefing?”
“Yes, she didn’t mention it because she’s clearly an m’Preg spy!”
“Stay focused, McKay,” John said, even though he was beginning to wonder the same thing about Teyla himself. “Teyla, this would be the part where you promise us that this mission will end with none of us becoming pregnant.”
Teyla looked affronted. “Of course none of you will become pregnant.” She eyed them all in turn, spending an extra-long time on Ronon. “Unless of course, you want to.”
“I think it’s safe to assume that none of us want to,” John said. “Right?” he asked Rodney and Ronon. Rodney nodded frantically, but Ronon looked unsure and rubbed his belly in an absent movement. “Right, Ronon?”
“My mother always looked happy when she was pregnant,” Ronon said.
This was fast going down as the strangest mission they had had yet, and that included the time on PX-117 with the dancing mice.
“Regardless,” Rodney snapped, pulling himself together and stepping away from John’s grasp. “Now is not the time to get in touch with your maternal instincts. If after this mission you’re still insane enough to want a baby, I’ll help make you one.”
Ronon looked touched. “You’d do that for me?”
“Wait.” John rewound Rodney’s words in his head and glared at Rodney, trying not to let any of his hurt show. “You would?”
“Well not like that!”
“Oh,” Ronon said with disappointment.
Rodney sighed. “Let’s just get this over with before I start feeling the urge to knit Ronon some booties.”
*
“This is a wondrous medicine indeed,” Lactate, leader of the m’Preg said as he happily chewed on the last of John’s chocolate.
John smiled with all of his teeth. “Guaranteed to cheer up your entire population.”
“We will be happy to trade, but -“ Lactate looked troubled. “If I may ask, is there anything we can do to help you with your other problem?
“Other problem?” Teyla asked, trading a mystified look with John.
“Your infertility. Are the gods punishing you?”
“Um…” John wasn’t sure of the best way to handle the situation diplomatically.
Teyla stepped in. “In their culture, fertility is a women’s gift.
“And thank god for that,” Rodney snapped, pulling his attention away from the ZPM long enough to hold his hands protectively in front of his belly. “Haven’t any of you heard of family planning?”
“Family planning?” Lactate asked with confusion, before his face cleared up. “Oh, family planning! Of course we have heard of it; our plan is to have families!”
“It’s a good plan,” Ronon said, and John realized they had to get out of there before one of the men started to give birth (don’t think about how, he warned himself), and Ronon kidnapped the baby to raise as his own.
*
“Well,” John said as they took their seats in the jumper. “Learn something new every day.”
“Yes,” Rodney said. “It was certainly one to grow on.”
“I thought it was nice,” Ronon said, and for once his face was soft and vulnerable. “My mother always told me that having us was the greatest gift she’d ever received.”
Teyla smiled sadly. “My father told me the same.”
“I’m glad,” John said, after the silence had stretched on for minutes.
Rodney opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and cleared his throat. “If that’s really what you want, I’m sure I can figure something out.”
“Not yet though, okay?” John said. “I’d prefer not to have any pregnant members on my team. Besides, you’re still too young to be a mother.”
*
John was lying on his bed with a wet cloth over his eyes when Rodney slipped in.
“I brought you some Aspirin,” Rodney said, and John heard the clink of pills landing on his desk. “Also, the whisky I won off of Peters last week.”
John waved a hand, and felt the bed depress as Rodney sat next to him.
“So I guess sex tonight is out, huh?” Rodney asked finally. John snorted and pulled the cloth off of his face; he opened his eyes to see Rodney watching him with a worried expression.
Rodney reached out and smoothed his hand over John’s forehead. “I can’t believe I’m about to seriously say this, but you know I don’t want to have a baby with Ronon, right?”
John shrugged; it felt weird to do lying down. “Yeah, I got that.”
“Sometimes I forget, not everybody had parents like mine.”
Yeah. “Or mine,” John said.
“Not that I want one,” Rodney said hurriedly, like he was worried that John was going to suddenly whip out a portable womb.
John reached up and pulled Rodney down to him, licking slowly into his mouth and biting his bottom lip. Rodney relaxed into the kiss and tangled his legs with John’s.
“We all done talking about this?” John asked.
Rodney blinked at him, looking like a rumpled owl. “Very. In fact, I’d be happy to never, ever talk about it again.”
“Sounds good to me,” John said, and kissed Rodney again, leaving his hand against the slight curve of Rodney’s belly.
Don't forget to go and let Mad know just how much you love and appreciate her for everything she's done for fandom!
My contribuition is this very under-the-wire fic.
Journey to the Planet of the Ass-babies
John/Rodney, team, pg
Tons of thanks to lcsbanana for last-minute audiencing while I frantically wrote.
“When you say different, you don’t mean that they love to welcome visitors by taking the smartest member of each party and turning him into stew, right?
Teyla gave her best diplomatic smile. “The m’Preg do not eat people.”
They waited for more, but she remained silent and Rodney groaned.
“But they do something else and you’re not mentioning it to us, which means that it must be really, really bad, even by your standards!”
“McKay,” John said out of the side of his mouth. “Remember what I told you about playing nice with alien cultures?”
Rodney sniffed. “You’re a fine one to talk, Colonel. At least I don’t require that my alien cultures be clothed.
*
“Oh my god,” Rodney said the second they entered the village.
He turned to high-tail it back toward the gate, but John ignored his own shock, reached out, and grabbed the strap of Rodney’s pack before he could get more than a few feet.
“Colonel.” Rodney twisted to look at John beseechingly. “Sheppard, we need to get out of here!”
“Welcome, gentle visitors!” shouted the leader of the m’Preg, as he rubbed his huge belly.
“Teyla,” John said through clenched teeth. “I’m thinking there are a few things you forgot to tell us here.”
“A few things?” Rodney’s voice sounded unnaturally high. “Yes, like the part where in defiance of physics, nature, and all that is good and right in the world, all of the men on this planet appear to be pregnant!”
Ronon stirred beside John and looked like he was thinking about running away himself. “I was hoping they were just fat from eating too many scientists.”
They all turned to glare at Teyla accusingly. She shrugged. “It has always been their way.”
“No ZPM is worth this,” Rodney decided. “I’ll meet you all back at the gate.”
John didn’t let go of his pack. “Teyla, was there some reason you forgot to mention this in the briefing?”
“Yes, she didn’t mention it because she’s clearly an m’Preg spy!”
“Stay focused, McKay,” John said, even though he was beginning to wonder the same thing about Teyla himself. “Teyla, this would be the part where you promise us that this mission will end with none of us becoming pregnant.”
Teyla looked affronted. “Of course none of you will become pregnant.” She eyed them all in turn, spending an extra-long time on Ronon. “Unless of course, you want to.”
“I think it’s safe to assume that none of us want to,” John said. “Right?” he asked Rodney and Ronon. Rodney nodded frantically, but Ronon looked unsure and rubbed his belly in an absent movement. “Right, Ronon?”
“My mother always looked happy when she was pregnant,” Ronon said.
This was fast going down as the strangest mission they had had yet, and that included the time on PX-117 with the dancing mice.
“Regardless,” Rodney snapped, pulling himself together and stepping away from John’s grasp. “Now is not the time to get in touch with your maternal instincts. If after this mission you’re still insane enough to want a baby, I’ll help make you one.”
Ronon looked touched. “You’d do that for me?”
“Wait.” John rewound Rodney’s words in his head and glared at Rodney, trying not to let any of his hurt show. “You would?”
“Well not like that!”
“Oh,” Ronon said with disappointment.
Rodney sighed. “Let’s just get this over with before I start feeling the urge to knit Ronon some booties.”
*
“This is a wondrous medicine indeed,” Lactate, leader of the m’Preg said as he happily chewed on the last of John’s chocolate.
John smiled with all of his teeth. “Guaranteed to cheer up your entire population.”
“We will be happy to trade, but -“ Lactate looked troubled. “If I may ask, is there anything we can do to help you with your other problem?
“Other problem?” Teyla asked, trading a mystified look with John.
“Your infertility. Are the gods punishing you?”
“Um…” John wasn’t sure of the best way to handle the situation diplomatically.
Teyla stepped in. “In their culture, fertility is a women’s gift.
“And thank god for that,” Rodney snapped, pulling his attention away from the ZPM long enough to hold his hands protectively in front of his belly. “Haven’t any of you heard of family planning?”
“Family planning?” Lactate asked with confusion, before his face cleared up. “Oh, family planning! Of course we have heard of it; our plan is to have families!”
“It’s a good plan,” Ronon said, and John realized they had to get out of there before one of the men started to give birth (don’t think about how, he warned himself), and Ronon kidnapped the baby to raise as his own.
*
“Well,” John said as they took their seats in the jumper. “Learn something new every day.”
“Yes,” Rodney said. “It was certainly one to grow on.”
“I thought it was nice,” Ronon said, and for once his face was soft and vulnerable. “My mother always told me that having us was the greatest gift she’d ever received.”
Teyla smiled sadly. “My father told me the same.”
“I’m glad,” John said, after the silence had stretched on for minutes.
Rodney opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, and cleared his throat. “If that’s really what you want, I’m sure I can figure something out.”
“Not yet though, okay?” John said. “I’d prefer not to have any pregnant members on my team. Besides, you’re still too young to be a mother.”
*
John was lying on his bed with a wet cloth over his eyes when Rodney slipped in.
“I brought you some Aspirin,” Rodney said, and John heard the clink of pills landing on his desk. “Also, the whisky I won off of Peters last week.”
John waved a hand, and felt the bed depress as Rodney sat next to him.
“So I guess sex tonight is out, huh?” Rodney asked finally. John snorted and pulled the cloth off of his face; he opened his eyes to see Rodney watching him with a worried expression.
Rodney reached out and smoothed his hand over John’s forehead. “I can’t believe I’m about to seriously say this, but you know I don’t want to have a baby with Ronon, right?”
John shrugged; it felt weird to do lying down. “Yeah, I got that.”
“Sometimes I forget, not everybody had parents like mine.”
Yeah. “Or mine,” John said.
“Not that I want one,” Rodney said hurriedly, like he was worried that John was going to suddenly whip out a portable womb.
John reached up and pulled Rodney down to him, licking slowly into his mouth and biting his bottom lip. Rodney relaxed into the kiss and tangled his legs with John’s.
“We all done talking about this?” John asked.
Rodney blinked at him, looking like a rumpled owl. “Very. In fact, I’d be happy to never, ever talk about it again.”
“Sounds good to me,” John said, and kissed Rodney again, leaving his hand against the slight curve of Rodney’s belly.
Don't forget to go and let Mad know just how much you love and appreciate her for everything she's done for fandom!