heart to heart

Feb 05, 2013 23:20

Hey guys!

So it's almost my bedtime curfew, but I really wanted to share this video with you all and just talk about it a little bit before I go to sleep!

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Bubz, aka, Lindy Tsang is one of my absolute faaavorite youtubers, just because other than her makeup videos and all, she uploads these Girl Talks that sometimes overfloooowww with wisdom XD I guess this one's my absolute fave so far, just because she talks about a lot of things that people my age would be facing, or already have faced.

Jealousy. Who else has totally looked at someone else and felt really bad about their own personal self, and then proceeded to start this vicious cycle of comparing your achievements, and putting yourself down?

I know I have, especially from a younger age like say, 11 or 12. I remember once, I had this friend who moved away, and she was like my sister, we were so close, and she was just so wise beyond her years and I would go to her every single time I needed help on anything. She moved away, but when we were 12, I just felt so so jealous of her sometimes, her achievements, how she won the first debate medal for our school even though I felt that I was so so much more passionate about debating  and deserved that medal so much more. I felt really really down that night of my very first debate, and I drove home comparing the quality of our voices, our speaking styles, every little thing. It was the same with school, she was so incredibly good at math, she got to do a Pascal contest and made National Honor Roll for that when we were just 12, and dammit, I knew I wasn't at that level in math just yet, but I felt really bad, at the point where I would feel happy
when she messed up on a test and I scored maybe one point higher than her.

I fought it. Of course I fought it. I made a list for myself about  why I should not be jealous of whoever won after a debate tournament, I still have it, of course. Talking about how I'm always a winner, and how trying hard automatically made you a winner. I wrote a letter to my friend, telling her every single thing I felt, about how I'd made T-charts for every single subject we took and list her strengths on one side, and mine on the other. I told her that on the way to an author convention thing when we were 12, still, and she just read my letter to her in the bus beside me, and told me that no, she wasn't perfect. Her parents were divorced, she was dealing with a lot at homeand that I was just as great as she was, that there was nothing to be jealous of.

I felt small, I felt really really small admitting it to her, but then, after we had that talk, I just felt so much better. She had problems, I had problems. She had gifts, maybe I had them too. It wasn't an epiphany, but it was close. It was my first step, nonetheless. In math club, 7th grade, I would still feel sad when she got all those tough logic problems and I didn't. I would still feel bad about myself, but the moments in which I ground down and took control - those were the victories for me.

One quote that I remember hearing that really jumped out at me when it came to jealousy was this one: "Congratulate them, even if you don't mean it. It's not lying, you're being honest, and truthful to yourself. Let's stop being so self-obsessed and be happy for other people too"

When I read that, I just thought that when we all die, and meet God, he won't look at whether or not you had a 40 on the CNML. He won't look at your grades and send you to Heaven based on those. He'll look at the purity of your heart and see only if the love inside it outweighs the hatred. That's it, that's all. Even if you're going two steps forward, one step back, you're still going forward, right?

Later on, I learned a lot about the difference of us as humans, in general. I found myself envying certain people and not others  when I was 12/13, and I asked myself, "Why her and not her?" and my mind said "Because she's in a whole different league from you, but she's not." and then over the early segment of my 13th year, I realized that there really are no levels when it comes to individual people. There are no "leagues", or anything like that. People are like different colours, and I recognized that say, I was a blue, and I couldn't compete with an orange, but I could still compare myself with a green, but then over time, I wondered...why?

Why not just be blue, and not care about the greens, or the yellows, or the oranges? As long as I'm meeting my own goals for myself, reaching the 90s for all my subjects and doing even better in the things I truly care about, why should I care? Even if another shade of blue is nearby, that doesn't make them comparable to me.

Because we're different. We're all different. That's why, even now, if I hear a flute player that's miles better than I am, or maybe even a step better than I am, I just ask God to give me the strength to find the gift I've been given, like they have. Or if someone gets a grade 10% higher than me, I'll still hit myself on the head mentally and tell myself to try harder, but not to beat them out.

Just, for my own self-fulfillment :p

OKAY, I have to go shine my flute before I go sleep, goodnight everyone!
Love,
~A

i'm a hormonal teenager, life, lovelovelove

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