Beef
I've never thrown myself into loving someone whole heart, unconditional, unequivocal. Never.
Its not as if I've been hurt a lot. A little, yes. But not enough to rationalize the wall I hide behind. I think. You came into my life at a time that I had nothing left to lose. I was hurting, I was recovering. It happened suddenly and without thought that there was this kindred connection and I didn't realize it at the time but the term soul mate is the only thing that comes close to mind. Soul mate is often used in romantic terms, so that isn't exactly right either. We were so young and when I look back I can't tell you how lucky I feel. Lucky that we found one another and got to spend so much time together before we got older and life started getting in the way. We spent so much time together and we are so lucky for it. Good and bad but the bad was never that bad. I try not to let nostalgia over take me. I don't want to live this life as a hungry ghost. But the place I most often want to go back to is simply hanging out with you. Getting stoned, coming up with crazy business plans, learning, creating, laughing so hard I think I might die.
That chapter is over, we've been through so many big changes. Its still there but its an undercurrent. Over the last few years I've had to try to distance myself from it and almost work on forgetting. Because when you've spent so much time with someone that feels like the other half of your heart and then they're gone its so hard to live wholly. I've discovered it is possible to live with only half your heart. At first it was so hard but as time went on scars formed, I figured out how to be ok alone. There are times when I talk to you or see you that I am reminded of how I felt in the past and its like that scar is opened up and I am just raw. I wonder if you feel the same? I think I unintentionally placed a great cross to bear upon you. I'm sorry for that, if I ever make you feel like less of a friend than you are because my expectations are way too high. I'm trying to remember fondly and occasionally. I am trying to live with my own heart wholly. I am so thankful for getting to be your friend.
Its not as if I've been hurt a lot. A little, yes. But not enough to rationalize the wall I hide behind. I think. You came into my life at a time that I had nothing left to lose. I was hurting, I was recovering. It happened suddenly and without thought that there was this kindred connection and I didn't realize it at the time but the term soul mate is the only thing that comes close to mind. Soul mate is often used in romantic terms, so that isn't exactly right either. We were so young and when I look back I can't tell you how lucky I feel. Lucky that we found one another and got to spend so much time together before we got older and life started getting in the way. We spent so much time together and we are so lucky for it. Good and bad but the bad was never that bad. I try not to let nostalgia over take me. I don't want to live this life as a hungry ghost. But the place I most often want to go back to is simply hanging out with you. Getting stoned, coming up with crazy business plans, learning, creating, laughing so hard I think I might die.
That chapter is over, we've been through so many big changes. Its still there but its an undercurrent. Over the last few years I've had to try to distance myself from it and almost work on forgetting. Because when you've spent so much time with someone that feels like the other half of your heart and then they're gone its so hard to live wholly. I've discovered it is possible to live with only half your heart. At first it was so hard but as time went on scars formed, I figured out how to be ok alone. There are times when I talk to you or see you that I am reminded of how I felt in the past and its like that scar is opened up and I am just raw. I wonder if you feel the same? I think I unintentionally placed a great cross to bear upon you. I'm sorry for that, if I ever make you feel like less of a friend than you are because my expectations are way too high. I'm trying to remember fondly and occasionally. I am trying to live with my own heart wholly. I am so thankful for getting to be your friend.