Everything you didn't want to know about me.
I didn't get much sleep last night...but before I say anything else let me say this first. I will cuss in this. Mostly likely I'll cuss quite a bit. If you find that offensive then don't read it. If you still want to read it then I apologize for my language. Also this is about as angsty as you'll ever see me, so if you don't wanna read about that then don't.
Right now I just need to vent, so you're gonna hear about everything. Firstly, none of you, and I do mean none, have known me long enough or well enough that you've seen me get upset. It happens about every 8 months or so. Usually something'll happen, like this time, but not always, and for a night or maybe a week I'll be depressed, angry, and frustrated. Anything I say right now...forgive me for it. If I seem to ignore you, I don't mean it, and if I accidentally snap at you, I'm very sorry. Whenever I get depressed like this I can't help but think about Dustin and that only make me feel twice as bad. Had I written this last night every other word would have been either fuck or shit, so be glad that I've sorted out through this enough to clam myself down.
You're probably wondering what all this is about, so if you don't want to hear it then leave now, but I'm gonna get on my soap box and tell you what I think about all this shit. Let me start off by saying that if you're a virgin then say one until you're married. If you aren't one then I say learn from your mistake(s) and wait until you're married. This has nothing to do with religion or anything and everything to do with all I've seen happen to people. I can't say that I've meet someone that's had sex and hasn't regretted it at least somewhat...and those are the lucky ones.
Have you ever wished that someone hadn't told you something, but are still glad that they did tell you? You wish that you could have just gone on blissfully with your life not knowing a thing. At the same time you're glad that they said something, that they didn't just continue on like nothing was happening. Maybe you can help them, but you probably can't. You can't even help yourself most of the time. I wish that I could just not care. That I could at least pretend that it doesn't bother me to no end when a friend of mine is hurting or in trouble. But it doesn't work that way for me. I do care. Sometimes I think I care about it too much.
But that doesn't tell you the whole story does it? Well here's what's up. I have plenty of friends that I only know online, some I talk to more than others. One particular girl I've known for a little bit now and we talk on occasion, but I wouldn't consider her one of my close friends. She's 15 years old, and that's fine and good...in most instances. Yesterday I came online and she was crying. After talking a bit, I came to find out that, along with other things, she was crying because her 17 year old boyfriend had asked her to move in with him, and she had to say no. Yeah, from right there I think that anyone with any common sense could see that this was so incredibly stupid it didn't even bear thinking on. A 15 year old girl going to live with a 17 year old guy? That's just asking for disaster. We talked for a bit more and I told her just that, and she kind of half-heartedly agreed with me. Her fucker of a boyfriend tries to make her feel guilty by claiming that he only got the apartment because of her. As if he didn't know, like 99% of the population that has even half a brain, that a 15 year old kid can't move in with someone like that. Then he pulls the "I love you" shit and tries to make her feel bad about that. Obviously if she loves him like he loves her then she would give up everything, her future, her life, her dreams, and hopes for a better life, all so that she can move in with him, work to help pay for everything, and most likely break off her relationship with her parents, or at least hurt it.
Now I come to the subject of love. Some people have very screwed up views of this. They use the "love" wildcard for guilt trips and they use it to just get what they want. They think "If I find this person attractive, then I must be in love with them. The more attracted to them I am the more I must love them." These are the morons you find mostly in high school that are on the whole "perpetual boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. They are never single because there's always someone attractive to go after. But you know, they aren't ever happy for any length of time. The only thing I have ever found that works is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
If you don't have that in your relationship then I don't think you truly have love. Think about it, isn't all the above what we really want in a relationship? You've seen the people that have this. They're the elderly couple that's been married for 60 years. If you have this, don't ever ever ever lose it...but you have to do your part. If you like someone, have a crush on them or whatever, don't you feel that way? You'd do anything for them, forgive them whatever wrong they've done, and you're kind to them. In this whole mess with this girl, I can look at their relationship and just start scratching off stuff from that list of love. "Love is patient" he can't even wait till she's 18. "Love is kind" he won't accept that she can't move in and is mad about that. "It does not envy" he doesn't even come close to meeting that one. "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." If you can't even meet this then you shouldn't be dating whoever you are. Everything in this whole mess would be solved if one of them honestly looked at their relationship and asked themself, "Is this the person I want to live with for the next 70 years? Do I want to wake up to them every single morning, see them at their worst as well as best, take care of them when their sick, support and trust their decisions. Would I give my life for this person?" If you can't say yes to each of those in complete honesty then you shouldn't move in with them, you shouldn't marry them, and you shouldn't have sex with them either. We all have our faults, and whoever you decide to spend the rest of your life with should know each and every one of those, and you should be able to accept and love the person despite those. You have to love all of them.
What bothers me the most about this situation is that not only will he be screwing up his own life, and I couldn't care less if he did, but he'll be bringing her into it with him. To have the rest of your determined by a decision you made at 15 isn't something I'd want. I guess what makes me the most mad is that she has to make this kind of decision at such a young age. Writing all this has really helped me sort things out, so I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was last night just after all this went on, but still I feel frustrated that I can't really do anything. Sure I can talk, you've seen how much of that I can do, but I seriously doubt it'll do a bit of good. I could write more about all this, but now I feel a good bit better than when I had started and the only reason I've written this was for me.
Right now I just need to vent, so you're gonna hear about everything. Firstly, none of you, and I do mean none, have known me long enough or well enough that you've seen me get upset. It happens about every 8 months or so. Usually something'll happen, like this time, but not always, and for a night or maybe a week I'll be depressed, angry, and frustrated. Anything I say right now...forgive me for it. If I seem to ignore you, I don't mean it, and if I accidentally snap at you, I'm very sorry. Whenever I get depressed like this I can't help but think about Dustin and that only make me feel twice as bad. Had I written this last night every other word would have been either fuck or shit, so be glad that I've sorted out through this enough to clam myself down.
You're probably wondering what all this is about, so if you don't want to hear it then leave now, but I'm gonna get on my soap box and tell you what I think about all this shit. Let me start off by saying that if you're a virgin then say one until you're married. If you aren't one then I say learn from your mistake(s) and wait until you're married. This has nothing to do with religion or anything and everything to do with all I've seen happen to people. I can't say that I've meet someone that's had sex and hasn't regretted it at least somewhat...and those are the lucky ones.
Have you ever wished that someone hadn't told you something, but are still glad that they did tell you? You wish that you could have just gone on blissfully with your life not knowing a thing. At the same time you're glad that they said something, that they didn't just continue on like nothing was happening. Maybe you can help them, but you probably can't. You can't even help yourself most of the time. I wish that I could just not care. That I could at least pretend that it doesn't bother me to no end when a friend of mine is hurting or in trouble. But it doesn't work that way for me. I do care. Sometimes I think I care about it too much.
But that doesn't tell you the whole story does it? Well here's what's up. I have plenty of friends that I only know online, some I talk to more than others. One particular girl I've known for a little bit now and we talk on occasion, but I wouldn't consider her one of my close friends. She's 15 years old, and that's fine and good...in most instances. Yesterday I came online and she was crying. After talking a bit, I came to find out that, along with other things, she was crying because her 17 year old boyfriend had asked her to move in with him, and she had to say no. Yeah, from right there I think that anyone with any common sense could see that this was so incredibly stupid it didn't even bear thinking on. A 15 year old girl going to live with a 17 year old guy? That's just asking for disaster. We talked for a bit more and I told her just that, and she kind of half-heartedly agreed with me. Her fucker of a boyfriend tries to make her feel guilty by claiming that he only got the apartment because of her. As if he didn't know, like 99% of the population that has even half a brain, that a 15 year old kid can't move in with someone like that. Then he pulls the "I love you" shit and tries to make her feel bad about that. Obviously if she loves him like he loves her then she would give up everything, her future, her life, her dreams, and hopes for a better life, all so that she can move in with him, work to help pay for everything, and most likely break off her relationship with her parents, or at least hurt it.
Now I come to the subject of love. Some people have very screwed up views of this. They use the "love" wildcard for guilt trips and they use it to just get what they want. They think "If I find this person attractive, then I must be in love with them. The more attracted to them I am the more I must love them." These are the morons you find mostly in high school that are on the whole "perpetual boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. They are never single because there's always someone attractive to go after. But you know, they aren't ever happy for any length of time. The only thing I have ever found that works is this:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails."
If you don't have that in your relationship then I don't think you truly have love. Think about it, isn't all the above what we really want in a relationship? You've seen the people that have this. They're the elderly couple that's been married for 60 years. If you have this, don't ever ever ever lose it...but you have to do your part. If you like someone, have a crush on them or whatever, don't you feel that way? You'd do anything for them, forgive them whatever wrong they've done, and you're kind to them. In this whole mess with this girl, I can look at their relationship and just start scratching off stuff from that list of love. "Love is patient" he can't even wait till she's 18. "Love is kind" he won't accept that she can't move in and is mad about that. "It does not envy" he doesn't even come close to meeting that one. "It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." If you can't even meet this then you shouldn't be dating whoever you are. Everything in this whole mess would be solved if one of them honestly looked at their relationship and asked themself, "Is this the person I want to live with for the next 70 years? Do I want to wake up to them every single morning, see them at their worst as well as best, take care of them when their sick, support and trust their decisions. Would I give my life for this person?" If you can't say yes to each of those in complete honesty then you shouldn't move in with them, you shouldn't marry them, and you shouldn't have sex with them either. We all have our faults, and whoever you decide to spend the rest of your life with should know each and every one of those, and you should be able to accept and love the person despite those. You have to love all of them.
What bothers me the most about this situation is that not only will he be screwing up his own life, and I couldn't care less if he did, but he'll be bringing her into it with him. To have the rest of your determined by a decision you made at 15 isn't something I'd want. I guess what makes me the most mad is that she has to make this kind of decision at such a young age. Writing all this has really helped me sort things out, so I'm doing a hell of a lot better than I was last night just after all this went on, but still I feel frustrated that I can't really do anything. Sure I can talk, you've seen how much of that I can do, but I seriously doubt it'll do a bit of good. I could write more about all this, but now I feel a good bit better than when I had started and the only reason I've written this was for me.