I have found my salvation in a ball of yarn.

[chooseausername]

I don't know what I have to say to make you read this. "Please"? "Do it or I'll kill you

Comments

[dynamicpsycho04]

wow.

Im impressed andrew. Keep up the good work dude.

~J

[sheneveris]

I recieved an IM from Ryan Leary saying that this deserved my input. [I write, to a certain extent -- But mostly i admire those who do, and who do it well]. This was amazing. I really enjoyed reading it; it wasn't even very easy to tear myself away to answer the phone. You definitely have a lot of talent :). I noticed you mentioned needing to get published for class, i think this would make an excellent entry

[chooseausername]

I wish I knew you.

maybe I do.

I'm not entirely sure. Either way, thank you very much for the input. I understand what you mean about the man's dialogue. My only rebuttle I have is this: the man speaks in imagery and with great depth because he's been dwelling on those years and on his story for so long. He's extremely captivated by his own words, and he spent so many hours revisiting the images in his mind.

that's all I really have. If you think that doesn't make much sense, or I went about it the worng way, I wouldn't mind a hearing little bit more from you.

thanks, ryan's friend!

[sheneveris]

[the first thing i noticed about this.. i can't believe i spelled dialogue wrong, and i'm such a nut for spelling errors]

Alright, with that explanation i'd have to say..it makes much more sense to me now. I kind of picked up on that a little bit while i was reading, and the fact that he's well..psychotic makes a bunch of sense as well. So with that said, maybe a little bit more of a character build on him. Not much but a small amount, because it seems to me like he jumped into his story rather quickly. Actually, maybe i take that back, because the reader learns a lot about him as a person as they read.

I keep thinking this would make such a rad movie too, haha.

For the type of person you've created him to be, the dialogue is just fine. And if you decide to do any bit of expanding on this story, i'm sure it will be just as wonderful!

[slutz04]

i agree in a way... not so much that his dialogue wasn't believable but his actions weren't. he was talking so much i felt there should have been some breaks inbetween, something like he fiddles with his napkin, especially in the beginning. i think towards the end its effective to have long passages of dialouge to make the reader get sucked into the story, but to start off it might be easier for the reader to break those monolouges up a little bit.

i loved it. so talented.

love
julie

[wrongwaylouie]

Another great story from an alleged amateur. (I hope that means something fro msomeone who 1) can't read, and 2) hasn't even finished his homework or Catch 22.

Peace out ;)

[chooseausername]

that's what she said!

thanks for reading it, steve. you're on my list of people who bring me smiles.

[blueishadow]

That story was very messed up but other than when I really didn't want the sister to die I couldn't stop reading. You are a very good writer, I could picture all of this happening in my head. It wasn't really something I wanted to picture but still... I agree with whoever it was that said it would make a good movie. It definitely would. P.S. when I said the story was messed up I didn't mean that was a bad thing.

[imadrunkenslut]

Andrew,

i sat down. and i read your story. and i loved it.

you're shootin out short stories like babies. write more please?

[chooseausername]

haha, i'm a slut.

thanks, whitney. :-)