i don't know today.
today i feel like i want more friends, and i don't like how the text size on my computer keeps going to largest when i normally set it at medium. i also don't like 5 hour car rides in 91+ degree weather and my mom not wanting to turn ON the air conditioning because it's ''too much for the engine.'' if it was too much then it wouldnt be there, it's there for us to use, not for us took look at it and suffer in the heat. och, people. i got that 'och' from some book i started to read while i was in new york, its called angela's ashes. yup, that's how bored i was. it's okay i guess. i read it because every summer i wait 'till the last few weeks to read, which i'm sure most do, or maybe not. i found out i was there to help my grandparents. i guess my great grandmother who is 102 is dying and i don't know her very well, but i know her better than my uncle. who's not even really my uncle, hes my grandmother's brother, or my mom's uncle. why am i explaining this? hmm yeah well anyway the book is depressing three kids already died, all of which were babies and it yeah it's sad. i'm not even half way through because it has like 500 pages. that makes me sad, because i don't feel like reading 300 more pages of infants dying. it's also sad seeing my great grandomther miserable in the nursing home saying ''i'm unhappy'' when you walk into the room. she's so lifeless now it's so hard for everyone in my family to see. at first i was like well who cares she's had a long happy life and she's 102, and i think she'd be happier dead anyway, because after all she doesn't want to live. she has no will to live after 'uncle' jim died, and she hasn't eaten anything in the past few days. anyway new york wasn't all that great which you can probably imagine. i also miss a lot of people and i want to hang out with them this summer which i probably will, but i'm afraid they're goign to forget about me then i'll have to once again, make new friends this year. but i also have to start TALKING to some of them because they don't know i miss them now, but it's my fault things have gotten to the point where they are now. my cat still has problems with me. he's so grumpy all the time. why can't he be like peachy, ayla's cat? she's the nicest cat i've ever met. except my previous cats but i still don't remember max. yeahh anyway. oh and that reminds me i didn't see like any of my cousins except ayla in new york, so that was great fun. the best night was probably when her friend brandon came over and we dyed becky's hair and she broke the toilet (hahaha) after persauding my mom who seems so strict compared to my aunt diane (ayla's mom) but i don't think she is compared to a lot of people. it was also mega fun playing dream phone with my uncle-to-be and ayla and my aunt. i also got my nails done and they're bright pink. i like them. i was in a bad mood when i woke up because i felt really sick then we had to go visit my grandmother in the nursing home before we left which was the last time we'll probably ever see her. she's so unhappy. when we walked in the room this morning some nurse was curling her hair or something and she looked so sad i think she was probably asleep. but she was so frail and pale and she looked awful. it just really sucks a lot. on a better note, well i don't know. things are fine though, altogether. it's summer. i guess that's a reason to be happy. no shcool, that.s a nice thought. a veryyyy nice thought indeed. i should start running and swimming and stuff this week but i don't feel up to it. i'll probably start on tuesday and take tomorrow off to sleep. or something. i guess my mom and sister really want to go to europe but theres no way i'm flying across the atlantic ocean. nooooo way. well maybe if it's dark but i still dont think it's going to happen. i think my mom's thinking about taking us around the beginning of next year, or something. who knows. i kind of hate how i'm in a really good mood one minute and the next i'm not. i didn't get much sleep last night, so i'm sort of still tired from doing, about nothing this past week. it makes me mad how people have pointless nicknames for the friends they have. most of them are dumb. and they're irrelevant and just stupid. maybe i'm just in a bad mood. or maybe it actually is dumb. also, it feels like everyone i know has a boyfriend and it makes me jealous. and i'm sad. but i'll get over it soon. hopefulllly. yeah.
and i don't like how i have to seatch the internet and try to words to describe how i feel. instead of thinking of it myself. it's really pathetic. seriously though, most of the things i do most people would find pathetic. i don't even feel like myself right now. ugh i sound so depressed but i'm actually just in a bad mood.
i find that some of the things i do are really unnecessary but i do them to make me feel better or in control. it's not even a big deal so once i again i don't know why i'm talking about it. or typing about it. sometimes i take things to the extreme. but not really. mostly with myself.
i'm looking forward to lake george, and i have to remember to add ayla and others to my myspace.
it makes me mad how my mom doesn't think i said hi to my dad when i got home when i actually did and before anyone else, and she still doesn't think i did even after i told her i did. and when i did my dad didn't even make an effort to to seem like he cared. whatever. i'm so mad right now i need to do something else. it seems like he doesn't care at all because there he goes having a great time with my sister. here i go over to say hi to him for the SECOND time. okay i'm back. it feels like i don't matter. he just talks to us when he finds it more convenient for him. i shouldn't be saying this though, he's a really good dad.
forgive me for this long entry. i am done with it.
WHERE ARE MY TRACK THINGS.,OPK90U89EHIh/.
someone needs to cheer me up. comments would be nice but seeing how i barely get any i don't even really care and just whatever. i hate when people complain and say "no one even reads this or comments blah blah blah. woe is i. poor me. i might as well go die somewhere. i doubt anyone would notice. blahhhhhhhh blah." hah. yeah. so just forget i said anything about commenting. seriously. i actually feel a little better now.
once again, i was sort of done with this entry when i said "i am done with it."
goodbye.
it's too soon for an EDIT -- every time i listen to this one song i get "the chills" in the same part of it. weird? (not even 10 minutes after i update i have something else to say.) i had something else to say but i forgot it.
edit number dos -- this isn't what i was going to say, but i feel like an awful person right now. or maybe i'm just acting the way i'm supposed to. i don't know.