(no subject)
This is something I just felt I had to write out.
I dont know how to feel about this whole situation. I mean, I didn't see her for so long, and then I did... after everything after her leaving me for Jing, the only person I fucking trusted... I went to Sacramento and I saw her.
And I dont know how I feel about this at all.
I mean, I was so mad at her and I was trying not to get upset but I wanted to get upset? I wanted her to see how much she hurt me, but at the same time I wanted to show her that I was okay without her. Does that make sense?
We had dinner, and that was fine...... She tried to just be friends and carry on like we were just friends, but I found it so hard. It hurt a lot. I wanted to just get up and leave but at the same time I wanted to pretend that everything was the same way it used to be... before she did all this shit.
It started before she even moved out of my house. She thinks that I think that I thought it started way back when, but I was thinking more when Jing was driving out here and taking Monica to movies and etc etc.... And I was right. Monica didn't want to talk about it but i had to know. I said, "Across the Universe" and she said, "kinda". You were still at my house. You were still at my house. I didn't want to believe it but there it was in my face. i asked her
"Do you love her?"
"I don't want you asking me things like that"
"...you do."
And I saw tears in her eyes. We tried to carry on but I just couldn't. I just stopped and I told her,
"I can't be friends with you. I am not over what you did. I don't want to loose you but I am forcing myself to not trust you, not let you in."
And she was holding back tears. I saw them. I held strong and didn't cry. I didn't even eat really.
My friends say that I look aneorexic. Fuck that.
I think that I have a thing for... not fat, but girls with meat? because I have a body image problem. I think that I have too much fat. I think that I am skinny fat. I am small but I have a lot of body fat and it fucking disgusts me. This is not the reason that I don't eat. I don't eat because I am just not hungry. Ever really. When I do get hungry, I smoke. When I get hungry i suppress it because I don't want to eat just to get fatter. I want meat but I want my meat to be muscle.
But I digress.
So I paid (what else is new) and we went and sat in her car... and we exchanged presents. I gave her mine, she played a Cd she made... she played "Remember That" by Micah Bentley. I sat in the car and just smoked. I couldn't look at her. I was trying to cry because I wanted to, but I didn't. But as we sat there and listened to the lyrics of the song, she cried. She was crying softly, and it made me tear up but I just couldn't cry. I don't know why. I could feel her looking at me but I didn't look back at her. When she was crying I wanted so bad to hold her, to have her crawl over and lay in the passenger seat with me and have my arms around her... but I knew that it wouldn't be right. And then she just said softly, "I'm so sorry." And I just knew she meant it. I don't think it was until she saw me that she realized how much she really did tear my world apart... and I knew that she actually felt bad. She was actually sorry. I believed her. I dont know if I believed her or I just wanted to believe her so bad that I convinced myself. I dont know. But I think that this was the closest I was going to get to some sort of closure.
I keep putting off cleaning my room. I dont know, I think this is the longest I have been in my room awake and alone. I try not to stay here very much because I just think about everything, and I miss her a lot. I try to be at Tony's or Vega's or downstairs or any where but I don't know.... today I wanted to be here. I haven't written in my journal in so long because everything was so fucking overwhelming. I was in the worst shape possible a week ago. I was in fits, I was crying over and over I was throwing hotel furniture and I was writing on my arm and my pillow sleeping not going to work screaming and yelling at Monica and pushing my friends away... and now what?
Sadly, it's really just Wendy and Tony that have been keeping me going. It is so sick to say. Tony has been keeping me going because he is my best friend and he is always going to be there for me. Wendy has been my distraction. I talk to her until I fall asleep so I am not completely focused in Monica things, even though I still think about it.
"I can't take it, it's too hard for me. to fake it, when you're all I see. I can't take it It's too hard for me. To fake it. When you're all I see. Through the blurry vision I can see us up the road. Like we said, we're living in a house as we grow old. And I still love you. But even more... It's hard to show that's all I'm longing for."
So Wendy keeps me distracted. She is something to focus on. I think I am just so fucking pissed off that I have to start from the bottom again. I just want to be in love and in a long term lasting relationship again. I know that it isn't goingto be Wendy. I know I am using her as a rebound and I am being a 100% asshole by leading her on. I know she is starting to like me a lot. But I need her to distract me. I mean, honestly, I met this girl when the night I found everything out. How can she expect me to want to be engaged into anything so soon? I am still sorting things out with Monica, not just phone or material things, more like I'm sorting out things like my feelings for her.
Here's the thing. After we sat in the car for about 45 minutes. We went and did a small amount of shopping. We really just went to Petco, Target and Borders. She was beginning to get flirtatous with me. And then she got to be the way she was when we were together, and when we were talking. She was flirting with me. I mean she knows that I knew she was flirting. We were together for almost two years... of course I know this girl! And I will admit I was flirting with her too. I missed her. I missed everything, and I just wanted to pretend it was the same.
I did bring up Jing though. I would throw in her face her new girlfriend. She thought I was being playful. Okay, I will let her think that.
But we were at Borders and I was sorta searching for something, anything to spend more time with her because all the stores were closing and there was no way in hell i was going to her house... so I wanted to watch a movie but she declined. And then we were just hanging around for a while, but then Jing called and she was there with me just talking to jing. that just ruined it for me. I just wanted to go home.
When she was driving me back to my car I told her that it bothered me. I think she knew I meant it. I think she really is ready to go at my pace. I don't want to be around Jing, I don't want her to be brought up and I don't want to be around Monica if she is going to be talking to jing. I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know if I want to pretend Jing doesn't exsist.... or if I want to just ignore what happened because if I ignore it I can be friends with Monica but if not, I just can't be friends with Monica.
I know that when Jing is drunk and if she sees me at a club or something she will try to hug me or pick me up and swing me around, and I know what I am going to do. Iam going to hit her. I will seriously just try and hit her or shove her away. All my friends know this. I know that only Tony Sushi and MAYBE Stella would hold me back. But Stella has no idea what I am capable of. And if I was drunk... Oh fuck no. I will beat the bitch. Nice shiner to show off at work.
Fuck you.
I really do just hate jing. I hate Monica too, but I am still sorting out hating her and loving her.
Today Monica was text friendly with me. She was text and phone flirty. She was telling me that she had a dream regarding me and her cuddling. I think there was more than just cuddling but whatever. she just said that she had a dream that made her really miss me when she woke up. She said she felt guilty. Now I am curious why she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she had a dream about me when she was already with Jing and in Jing's bed probably or did she feel guilty because of what she did to mess up the relationship? I dont know.
This is the most I have written regarding anything so far. It's sporatic.
Like I said, I have been flirty with Monica. I am starting to think that she is starting to miss me. That she still loves me, and I am half way playing off of it. I mean I know me and Monica knows me. I flirt with a girl until they are interested. Then I play off like I am really really into them, then they start to get really really into me but then that's only so I can have the upper hand in the relationship. You let a girl think you fell for her first, you let her think she has control, but then when she falls for me? I have the control. It works nearly every time.
Gaaddd I'm such a fucking asshole.
Gun is messy. Carbon is pussy. Wrists are painful. So gay.
But what if she does want to get back with me? I would do stuff just to get back at Jing.. I think so. I don't think I would ever be able to get back with Monica. there is no way I could trust her. And there is no way in fucking hell if I got back with her that I would never be comfortable with Jing. And that's pretty fucked up because it's her best friend. So i don't know how we would get through that. I don't know. I'm just upset.
I don't think she wants to get back together with me, well I don't know. I can tell she misses me. But I dont know if I miss her the memory of our relationship. She isn't the same person.
"What the hell do you need a lighter for?"
"Crack"
"...Isn't crack supposed to make you skinnier?"
On the surface she seems like the same, but there is no trust there. There is no love any more. Actually there is a lot of love but I dont know what to do with it.
I mean if she came over here, I know I could get her to cuddle with me. I know at one point or another she would want me to kiss her. But would I? Would I be strong enough to not kiss her? I want her and jing to not work out, but does that mean that I want to be with her again?
I JUST SAW HER ONE TIME AND I AM ALREADY CONTEMPLATING IF I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER? FUCK NO. I NEED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT SHE IS CAPABLE OF. WHAT SHE MADE ME INTO. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AND I HAVE TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THIS IS THE PERSON SHE IS. I CAN'T KEEP THINKING THAT SHE ISN'T THIS PERSON. I CAN'T FALL INTO IT AGAIN. I JUST CAN'T. I REFUSE TO LET HER IN OR LET HER HURT ME IN THAT WAY AGAIN.
I just can't.
watch me be the fucking weak bitch that lets her back in my life and understand why Jing still needs to be in her life. I really need to get over monica. I thought I was over her. I should have been at least. I mean FUCK come on she left me for the only fucking person I trusted. Ugh Fuck.
Stella was right, I met someone really great. but I can't give them a proper chance because of a what if with someone that is not worth hurting over. Wendy doesn't deserve this. She really doesn't.
I dont know how to feel about this whole situation. I mean, I didn't see her for so long, and then I did... after everything after her leaving me for Jing, the only person I fucking trusted... I went to Sacramento and I saw her.
And I dont know how I feel about this at all.
I mean, I was so mad at her and I was trying not to get upset but I wanted to get upset? I wanted her to see how much she hurt me, but at the same time I wanted to show her that I was okay without her. Does that make sense?
We had dinner, and that was fine...... She tried to just be friends and carry on like we were just friends, but I found it so hard. It hurt a lot. I wanted to just get up and leave but at the same time I wanted to pretend that everything was the same way it used to be... before she did all this shit.
It started before she even moved out of my house. She thinks that I think that I thought it started way back when, but I was thinking more when Jing was driving out here and taking Monica to movies and etc etc.... And I was right. Monica didn't want to talk about it but i had to know. I said, "Across the Universe" and she said, "kinda". You were still at my house. You were still at my house. I didn't want to believe it but there it was in my face. i asked her
"Do you love her?"
"I don't want you asking me things like that"
"...you do."
And I saw tears in her eyes. We tried to carry on but I just couldn't. I just stopped and I told her,
"I can't be friends with you. I am not over what you did. I don't want to loose you but I am forcing myself to not trust you, not let you in."
And she was holding back tears. I saw them. I held strong and didn't cry. I didn't even eat really.
My friends say that I look aneorexic. Fuck that.
I think that I have a thing for... not fat, but girls with meat? because I have a body image problem. I think that I have too much fat. I think that I am skinny fat. I am small but I have a lot of body fat and it fucking disgusts me. This is not the reason that I don't eat. I don't eat because I am just not hungry. Ever really. When I do get hungry, I smoke. When I get hungry i suppress it because I don't want to eat just to get fatter. I want meat but I want my meat to be muscle.
But I digress.
So I paid (what else is new) and we went and sat in her car... and we exchanged presents. I gave her mine, she played a Cd she made... she played "Remember That" by Micah Bentley. I sat in the car and just smoked. I couldn't look at her. I was trying to cry because I wanted to, but I didn't. But as we sat there and listened to the lyrics of the song, she cried. She was crying softly, and it made me tear up but I just couldn't cry. I don't know why. I could feel her looking at me but I didn't look back at her. When she was crying I wanted so bad to hold her, to have her crawl over and lay in the passenger seat with me and have my arms around her... but I knew that it wouldn't be right. And then she just said softly, "I'm so sorry." And I just knew she meant it. I don't think it was until she saw me that she realized how much she really did tear my world apart... and I knew that she actually felt bad. She was actually sorry. I believed her. I dont know if I believed her or I just wanted to believe her so bad that I convinced myself. I dont know. But I think that this was the closest I was going to get to some sort of closure.
I keep putting off cleaning my room. I dont know, I think this is the longest I have been in my room awake and alone. I try not to stay here very much because I just think about everything, and I miss her a lot. I try to be at Tony's or Vega's or downstairs or any where but I don't know.... today I wanted to be here. I haven't written in my journal in so long because everything was so fucking overwhelming. I was in the worst shape possible a week ago. I was in fits, I was crying over and over I was throwing hotel furniture and I was writing on my arm and my pillow sleeping not going to work screaming and yelling at Monica and pushing my friends away... and now what?
Sadly, it's really just Wendy and Tony that have been keeping me going. It is so sick to say. Tony has been keeping me going because he is my best friend and he is always going to be there for me. Wendy has been my distraction. I talk to her until I fall asleep so I am not completely focused in Monica things, even though I still think about it.
"I can't take it, it's too hard for me. to fake it, when you're all I see. I can't take it It's too hard for me. To fake it. When you're all I see. Through the blurry vision I can see us up the road. Like we said, we're living in a house as we grow old. And I still love you. But even more... It's hard to show that's all I'm longing for."
So Wendy keeps me distracted. She is something to focus on. I think I am just so fucking pissed off that I have to start from the bottom again. I just want to be in love and in a long term lasting relationship again. I know that it isn't goingto be Wendy. I know I am using her as a rebound and I am being a 100% asshole by leading her on. I know she is starting to like me a lot. But I need her to distract me. I mean, honestly, I met this girl when the night I found everything out. How can she expect me to want to be engaged into anything so soon? I am still sorting things out with Monica, not just phone or material things, more like I'm sorting out things like my feelings for her.
Here's the thing. After we sat in the car for about 45 minutes. We went and did a small amount of shopping. We really just went to Petco, Target and Borders. She was beginning to get flirtatous with me. And then she got to be the way she was when we were together, and when we were talking. She was flirting with me. I mean she knows that I knew she was flirting. We were together for almost two years... of course I know this girl! And I will admit I was flirting with her too. I missed her. I missed everything, and I just wanted to pretend it was the same.
I did bring up Jing though. I would throw in her face her new girlfriend. She thought I was being playful. Okay, I will let her think that.
But we were at Borders and I was sorta searching for something, anything to spend more time with her because all the stores were closing and there was no way in hell i was going to her house... so I wanted to watch a movie but she declined. And then we were just hanging around for a while, but then Jing called and she was there with me just talking to jing. that just ruined it for me. I just wanted to go home.
When she was driving me back to my car I told her that it bothered me. I think she knew I meant it. I think she really is ready to go at my pace. I don't want to be around Jing, I don't want her to be brought up and I don't want to be around Monica if she is going to be talking to jing. I don't feel comfortable with it. I don't know if I want to pretend Jing doesn't exsist.... or if I want to just ignore what happened because if I ignore it I can be friends with Monica but if not, I just can't be friends with Monica.
I know that when Jing is drunk and if she sees me at a club or something she will try to hug me or pick me up and swing me around, and I know what I am going to do. Iam going to hit her. I will seriously just try and hit her or shove her away. All my friends know this. I know that only Tony Sushi and MAYBE Stella would hold me back. But Stella has no idea what I am capable of. And if I was drunk... Oh fuck no. I will beat the bitch. Nice shiner to show off at work.
Fuck you.
I really do just hate jing. I hate Monica too, but I am still sorting out hating her and loving her.
Today Monica was text friendly with me. She was text and phone flirty. She was telling me that she had a dream regarding me and her cuddling. I think there was more than just cuddling but whatever. she just said that she had a dream that made her really miss me when she woke up. She said she felt guilty. Now I am curious why she felt guilty. She felt guilty because she had a dream about me when she was already with Jing and in Jing's bed probably or did she feel guilty because of what she did to mess up the relationship? I dont know.
This is the most I have written regarding anything so far. It's sporatic.
Like I said, I have been flirty with Monica. I am starting to think that she is starting to miss me. That she still loves me, and I am half way playing off of it. I mean I know me and Monica knows me. I flirt with a girl until they are interested. Then I play off like I am really really into them, then they start to get really really into me but then that's only so I can have the upper hand in the relationship. You let a girl think you fell for her first, you let her think she has control, but then when she falls for me? I have the control. It works nearly every time.
Gaaddd I'm such a fucking asshole.
Gun is messy. Carbon is pussy. Wrists are painful. So gay.
But what if she does want to get back with me? I would do stuff just to get back at Jing.. I think so. I don't think I would ever be able to get back with Monica. there is no way I could trust her. And there is no way in fucking hell if I got back with her that I would never be comfortable with Jing. And that's pretty fucked up because it's her best friend. So i don't know how we would get through that. I don't know. I'm just upset.
I don't think she wants to get back together with me, well I don't know. I can tell she misses me. But I dont know if I miss her the memory of our relationship. She isn't the same person.
"What the hell do you need a lighter for?"
"Crack"
"...Isn't crack supposed to make you skinnier?"
On the surface she seems like the same, but there is no trust there. There is no love any more. Actually there is a lot of love but I dont know what to do with it.
I mean if she came over here, I know I could get her to cuddle with me. I know at one point or another she would want me to kiss her. But would I? Would I be strong enough to not kiss her? I want her and jing to not work out, but does that mean that I want to be with her again?
I JUST SAW HER ONE TIME AND I AM ALREADY CONTEMPLATING IF I WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER? FUCK NO. I NEED TO ALWAYS REMEMBER WHAT SHE IS CAPABLE OF. WHAT SHE MADE ME INTO. WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED AND I HAVE TO ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT THIS IS THE PERSON SHE IS. I CAN'T KEEP THINKING THAT SHE ISN'T THIS PERSON. I CAN'T FALL INTO IT AGAIN. I JUST CAN'T. I REFUSE TO LET HER IN OR LET HER HURT ME IN THAT WAY AGAIN.
I just can't.
watch me be the fucking weak bitch that lets her back in my life and understand why Jing still needs to be in her life. I really need to get over monica. I thought I was over her. I should have been at least. I mean FUCK come on she left me for the only fucking person I trusted. Ugh Fuck.
Stella was right, I met someone really great. but I can't give them a proper chance because of a what if with someone that is not worth hurting over. Wendy doesn't deserve this. She really doesn't.