egokiller

[chokinmike]

figured everything out. driving 70 miles on empty hwy at 1130 does that to you. the reason i feel my life isnt satisfying is in part due to that i associate myself with extremely interesing people. i dont know.. today at bdm i was talking with stefi and ashley, and the lives they and people they know have so much more action and drama than my life. i mean its like im an extra in a soap opera; im in a lot of scenes, but my role isnt pivital to the plot. ever since before middle school i was totally shy and unoutgoing, and nowadays i mean shit.. what do i do? im just in such a weird, reflective mood. the show was completely packed, and i stuck out like a sore thumb, with my bright white stripped collered shirt and shorter hair. like i wasnt aware there was a standard issue uniform. totally out of place socially too. i came with stef and ashley, and they went off with their own thing, even spending the night in sabastapool, so i stayed with jon and neal pretty much all evening. the girls were with the sab boys and whoever else, so it was kinda weird there, and then neal and jon are in their own private world of music and inside jokes. so i kinda stood around for scarlet and bdm, then did my own thing in the pit for every time i die (very very good band), so i didnt really have a social evening. i left after etid, skipping as i lie dying, cause stefi and ashley were going and needed their stuff out of my car, so i took the opp to get out and go home. but god damn thats such a long drive, so alone i had nothing to do but contemplate. and what was on my mind was all the stories and stuff going on with the others and i just felt naive and small. i could go on with the ol' "no one loves me" "why dont people like me", and ring out all the bullshit that livejournals are perfect for, but i wasnt feeling that. i mean of course i was, but more then that, like why does all this happen for other? so i just looked ahead and thought for and hour or so. and im in such a fucking weird mood for me. the sane one. the only one not on any pills or psychoanalysis. fuck man, its that i truely do lead a drab life i guess, but is it going to get better: fucked if i know.

i thought about whats goin on in my life, what has happened, and how little it really ment overall. my time or situation with caitlin was probably the closest to love i had, and how pathetic is that? we never had a real "thing", i just built it up. makes you wonder.. if i cant approch anyone now, in high school, the prime the easiest the largest group of close people i might ever know, whats to say i'll do better in college, or in a career, or ever? im always told that im a nice guy. well by girls at least. but really what the fuck does that matter now?