i broke (finally)
alright.
i know ive said a lot of negative things about livejournals, how its a way for people to get attention with all their insignifigant struggles with school and friends and lovers, and that stuff.
but i am a bored, lame soul.
ive always complained about how people pour their lives into these things, and have really over the top, emotional shit that people dont even care about. but some people lately have gotten to me, in a postive way, and i guess ive become more accepting of people personal problems. the main reason is that i havent had a very assertive outlook at life, mostly cause my brothers the asshole of our childhood duo. id be the shy guy who was raised by all 4 of my mom's sister and her while we lived in the city, and he was the one who had to compete for attention while learning to talk. so today, hes the one with no problems approching girl, much less strangers. and im the one whos just happy to have attention. if no one talked to me, i wouldnt talk to anyone. anyone. id sit in class, do my shit, and walk home pretty much. thats a bit extreme, but ive never been the social butterfly. every relationship ive been involved in was pretty much a response to another person's affection. but ive taken this really well. i dont get depressed, but i do get bored. and leave it at that.
thats how ive taken it. some people drink it off. some people write shit. some people cut. i ignore it; its not a problem i tell myself. from this i havent been able to be a deep person. i dont have these issues. i dont take criticism or rudeness as personal attacks. i dont hate the world. i dont blame myself. im not spiritual. im not expressive. im not a rebel. im not dramatic. but i am pretty bland.
the other night i was at a party at mambos and i had a bit to drink. i dont often, since i drive, but i had a while to drive, and only had about five or six shots of rum and shnaps. on the sidenote, i have an incredible tolerance to alcohol. people like roof and justin and other lights have a great time off that much drink, like on the ground laughing and spilling their life stories and love interests. i had all motor, communication, and visual skills. so there i am, people are being drunk, whatever, ive delt with that forever, i am THE d.d. (not that one, designated drive of course). then the other d.d. calls, and i go pick her up. right away, theres drama with mr. ben. the night progresses, she has a bad night, stefi and psalm come, d to the d starts drinking, and shes bawling. i guess i missed it but her fears got confirmed, and she gets real selfdefeating, blaming herself for wasting time and not being worth his time. i kept quiet through the night and was relefting. i mean this was her raw emotion being poured out. i couldnt believe it, that takes one tough girl. shes always come off as superindependant, someone who wouldnt get upset over a boy, much less a player burnout like ben. so i was thinking. people are emotional. everyone.
so front this extremely personal experience and with all that sharing of everything going on his this girls life that she could just pour out (even if it kind of got forced out of her), i gotta say i respect people's problems. getting it out seemed to help, so who knows. im not going to be exceedingly public with the insignifigant problems in my life, and not shamelessly plugging this everywhere, i'll see if i use this anymore. by the way, i found this after hella long. last post was oct 2002, back with blind ped and all my failed attepts to be a web pro (everyone remember blinder ped? the original?)
alright well thats it for now. i'll talk to you all later, and enjoy your breaks
ps im also far too sane to be easily entertained and interested in most emotional stuff, so thats kind of it.
i know ive said a lot of negative things about livejournals, how its a way for people to get attention with all their insignifigant struggles with school and friends and lovers, and that stuff.
but i am a bored, lame soul.
ive always complained about how people pour their lives into these things, and have really over the top, emotional shit that people dont even care about. but some people lately have gotten to me, in a postive way, and i guess ive become more accepting of people personal problems. the main reason is that i havent had a very assertive outlook at life, mostly cause my brothers the asshole of our childhood duo. id be the shy guy who was raised by all 4 of my mom's sister and her while we lived in the city, and he was the one who had to compete for attention while learning to talk. so today, hes the one with no problems approching girl, much less strangers. and im the one whos just happy to have attention. if no one talked to me, i wouldnt talk to anyone. anyone. id sit in class, do my shit, and walk home pretty much. thats a bit extreme, but ive never been the social butterfly. every relationship ive been involved in was pretty much a response to another person's affection. but ive taken this really well. i dont get depressed, but i do get bored. and leave it at that.
thats how ive taken it. some people drink it off. some people write shit. some people cut. i ignore it; its not a problem i tell myself. from this i havent been able to be a deep person. i dont have these issues. i dont take criticism or rudeness as personal attacks. i dont hate the world. i dont blame myself. im not spiritual. im not expressive. im not a rebel. im not dramatic. but i am pretty bland.
the other night i was at a party at mambos and i had a bit to drink. i dont often, since i drive, but i had a while to drive, and only had about five or six shots of rum and shnaps. on the sidenote, i have an incredible tolerance to alcohol. people like roof and justin and other lights have a great time off that much drink, like on the ground laughing and spilling their life stories and love interests. i had all motor, communication, and visual skills. so there i am, people are being drunk, whatever, ive delt with that forever, i am THE d.d. (not that one, designated drive of course). then the other d.d. calls, and i go pick her up. right away, theres drama with mr. ben. the night progresses, she has a bad night, stefi and psalm come, d to the d starts drinking, and shes bawling. i guess i missed it but her fears got confirmed, and she gets real selfdefeating, blaming herself for wasting time and not being worth his time. i kept quiet through the night and was relefting. i mean this was her raw emotion being poured out. i couldnt believe it, that takes one tough girl. shes always come off as superindependant, someone who wouldnt get upset over a boy, much less a player burnout like ben. so i was thinking. people are emotional. everyone.
so front this extremely personal experience and with all that sharing of everything going on his this girls life that she could just pour out (even if it kind of got forced out of her), i gotta say i respect people's problems. getting it out seemed to help, so who knows. im not going to be exceedingly public with the insignifigant problems in my life, and not shamelessly plugging this everywhere, i'll see if i use this anymore. by the way, i found this after hella long. last post was oct 2002, back with blind ped and all my failed attepts to be a web pro (everyone remember blinder ped? the original?)
alright well thats it for now. i'll talk to you all later, and enjoy your breaks
ps im also far too sane to be easily entertained and interested in most emotional stuff, so thats kind of it.