(no subject)
Hello hello.
Big blowout. No good.
Coney-got your text messages today
I was in NY
Now I'm at school.
Maybe you went ice fishing for the first time. It feels so different to be in a place where you drive down the road doin' 60 not givin' a fuck, maybe seeing one car for a 10 minute drive, parking your car and getting out and laughing with someone you just went on a wild goose chase through the boonies with, walking out on a lake and having everyone strike up a conversation with you, crack open a beer, wrestle in the snow, take some pictures, hear someone yell across the ice and pump their fists cause they caught a 12 pound pike, the only fish anyone's caught in a few hours. The sun is warm on your back and the wind is pummeling you in the face. And everything is so quiet, except when someone laughs. And when you leave and your buddies take a sudden right turn that doesn't really exist to go flying into the woods you rip around and find your own way home, because it's that easy.
And maybe you spend the last of your money on a motel where the tub overflows and the coffee maker doesn't work just so you can sleep next to someone, and love every minute of it. You watch infomercials about books that no one wants to advertise and girls telling you to call their hotlines. But you don't care because all you need is what you have.
And maybe everything is so foreign to you that you feel like you fit that stereotype you avoided your whole life. You're amazed when you don't have enough money at Dunkin Donuts and you get it for free. You stand outside looking at nothing and breathing the air like you've never tasted it before in your life. And you wonder why you never did it before.
And maybe you can't decide where you belong. You don't know where your heart is even more than before. You don't know if all the fish are meant to be kept or if they should be thrown back. How do you choose?
And how does it feel to microwave your dinner only to have your stomach drop. Fourteen dollars and ninety seven cents shy of the 15 that could set your mind at ease...if you're lucky today. To spend a night alone when you should have all the time in the world. To look around you and see disease. To wake up late only to say your goodbyes to the people that don't know who you are or where you come from but love everything about you. To let life pass you by because the man says so. Because mommy says so. Because you feel guilty, and obligated, and all you really want is to just escape for a while.
But the escape, the vacation, the dreamworld, apparently it isn't real. So if you submerge yourself in it too long, do you ultimately lose that grip on reality, do you come to an understanding that you left certain things behind for this fantasy that you don't know how long will last? Is it easier than you think to maintain everything, all at once?
I think I'm really close to getting it. And it makes so much more sense now. I just hope that next time my flag comes up, I can make the best decision.
And have some more of Nanny's goulash.
Big blowout. No good.
Coney-got your text messages today
I was in NY
Now I'm at school.
Maybe you went ice fishing for the first time. It feels so different to be in a place where you drive down the road doin' 60 not givin' a fuck, maybe seeing one car for a 10 minute drive, parking your car and getting out and laughing with someone you just went on a wild goose chase through the boonies with, walking out on a lake and having everyone strike up a conversation with you, crack open a beer, wrestle in the snow, take some pictures, hear someone yell across the ice and pump their fists cause they caught a 12 pound pike, the only fish anyone's caught in a few hours. The sun is warm on your back and the wind is pummeling you in the face. And everything is so quiet, except when someone laughs. And when you leave and your buddies take a sudden right turn that doesn't really exist to go flying into the woods you rip around and find your own way home, because it's that easy.
And maybe you spend the last of your money on a motel where the tub overflows and the coffee maker doesn't work just so you can sleep next to someone, and love every minute of it. You watch infomercials about books that no one wants to advertise and girls telling you to call their hotlines. But you don't care because all you need is what you have.
And maybe everything is so foreign to you that you feel like you fit that stereotype you avoided your whole life. You're amazed when you don't have enough money at Dunkin Donuts and you get it for free. You stand outside looking at nothing and breathing the air like you've never tasted it before in your life. And you wonder why you never did it before.
And maybe you can't decide where you belong. You don't know where your heart is even more than before. You don't know if all the fish are meant to be kept or if they should be thrown back. How do you choose?
And how does it feel to microwave your dinner only to have your stomach drop. Fourteen dollars and ninety seven cents shy of the 15 that could set your mind at ease...if you're lucky today. To spend a night alone when you should have all the time in the world. To look around you and see disease. To wake up late only to say your goodbyes to the people that don't know who you are or where you come from but love everything about you. To let life pass you by because the man says so. Because mommy says so. Because you feel guilty, and obligated, and all you really want is to just escape for a while.
But the escape, the vacation, the dreamworld, apparently it isn't real. So if you submerge yourself in it too long, do you ultimately lose that grip on reality, do you come to an understanding that you left certain things behind for this fantasy that you don't know how long will last? Is it easier than you think to maintain everything, all at once?
I think I'm really close to getting it. And it makes so much more sense now. I just hope that next time my flag comes up, I can make the best decision.
And have some more of Nanny's goulash.