(no subject)
I think way too much
And mostly about the most meaningless things
I finally dug a little information, not what I wanted but better than I had expected...to an extent.
I was also an annoying asshole, and felt like total shit. But what else could I have expected?
I realized that I have no direction.
And I'll be okay, but only in where I'm seen standing, not in my mind.
I need to find something that I want, something I want to attain, to be, to better myself as. But I really still can't figure it out, and I'm afraid I never will. But I think I can break away from things that broke me, for once. And it doesn't feel good, or triumphant. Just dirty, and wrong, and alone.
But it made my heart swell to hear that I had support, at least in the smallest respect.
My brain is on the fritz again. I don't want it to spiral out of control. Even in my darkest hours I have felt stronger than I do now. How is that?
I've failed so many friends, been loyal to too many people who will never put me as high in their mind as they are in mine. Been used, asked for it, done it to myself. But why? Aren't you supposed to stand by the people who care about you and view you as equal, or special, or important? Aren't you supposed to do well for yourself, do things that make you feel fulfilled, be a better person, work hard? And if so, why is it that I can't bring myself to do it, and have no desire to try?
I make no sense.
I wish there was a simple solution, but there never is, for anything.
You can't just find someone who you love, who you care for, that feels the same, and put your head against theirs and have them understand you wholly, feel what you feel, see what you see, think what you think, and know everything you have sensed, and work together toward better things together, stronger, not alone. But how can we do it alone? How can one person stand alone in life? We're social creatures, we need other people. And I need more than a lot of people I know. I have needs I can't identify or understand or control, so how can I know what to do, or to want? And how come no one can see me for who I am, without me trying to fumble with words to try to explain something one can only know and feel and never describe?
How is it that people see me as so many things, tell me what and who I am, and I still feel like they are only skimming the surface of the water with their dirty fingertips?
Dive.
Come in to me, stop breathing.
Everyone is scared to. So I do it for them. For people who have never had that before. Never been invaded, only been taken for face value. The people who are true friends to me know how to stand, and fall, and pick themselves up and connect with people and find happiness in any form they choose to see it. They know things I will never know, so I don't know how to be as true a friend to them as they are to me, and I fail them. But the people who struggle, the people who take me as nothing, I find a way to go into them. To tell them I am more than just some person. That I am different, and take the time to make them more than they are. And it always leads me to confusion and unhappiness. I can't live as someone other than myself, but god I try.
I am an empty shell.
Don't think of me as myself. I am only composed of things I have learned, things I have stolen from the hearts of others. Things I can use to be useful to people I move onto. To try to manipulate their negativity.
And then when I have done too much, I put myself out there. I tell my story, I shed tears, I spend time talking of myself. And that's always the end of it. When I have proven myself not just a person, I become one in time. And that's not what people want. People want to be self involved. They want to be around people who tell them the universe does revolve around them. So when you stop, they become disinterested. So you go on. You find a new child.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going off on a tangent for, no one probably reads this or attaches any value to it anyway. It's just some girl they know sorting out thoughts that make no sense and have no ultimate meaning because the mind can change it's direction so quickly.
I just wish I knew something, sometimes.
On a completely different note, I got my eyebrow pierced.
And mostly about the most meaningless things
I finally dug a little information, not what I wanted but better than I had expected...to an extent.
I was also an annoying asshole, and felt like total shit. But what else could I have expected?
I realized that I have no direction.
And I'll be okay, but only in where I'm seen standing, not in my mind.
I need to find something that I want, something I want to attain, to be, to better myself as. But I really still can't figure it out, and I'm afraid I never will. But I think I can break away from things that broke me, for once. And it doesn't feel good, or triumphant. Just dirty, and wrong, and alone.
But it made my heart swell to hear that I had support, at least in the smallest respect.
My brain is on the fritz again. I don't want it to spiral out of control. Even in my darkest hours I have felt stronger than I do now. How is that?
I've failed so many friends, been loyal to too many people who will never put me as high in their mind as they are in mine. Been used, asked for it, done it to myself. But why? Aren't you supposed to stand by the people who care about you and view you as equal, or special, or important? Aren't you supposed to do well for yourself, do things that make you feel fulfilled, be a better person, work hard? And if so, why is it that I can't bring myself to do it, and have no desire to try?
I make no sense.
I wish there was a simple solution, but there never is, for anything.
You can't just find someone who you love, who you care for, that feels the same, and put your head against theirs and have them understand you wholly, feel what you feel, see what you see, think what you think, and know everything you have sensed, and work together toward better things together, stronger, not alone. But how can we do it alone? How can one person stand alone in life? We're social creatures, we need other people. And I need more than a lot of people I know. I have needs I can't identify or understand or control, so how can I know what to do, or to want? And how come no one can see me for who I am, without me trying to fumble with words to try to explain something one can only know and feel and never describe?
How is it that people see me as so many things, tell me what and who I am, and I still feel like they are only skimming the surface of the water with their dirty fingertips?
Dive.
Come in to me, stop breathing.
Everyone is scared to. So I do it for them. For people who have never had that before. Never been invaded, only been taken for face value. The people who are true friends to me know how to stand, and fall, and pick themselves up and connect with people and find happiness in any form they choose to see it. They know things I will never know, so I don't know how to be as true a friend to them as they are to me, and I fail them. But the people who struggle, the people who take me as nothing, I find a way to go into them. To tell them I am more than just some person. That I am different, and take the time to make them more than they are. And it always leads me to confusion and unhappiness. I can't live as someone other than myself, but god I try.
I am an empty shell.
Don't think of me as myself. I am only composed of things I have learned, things I have stolen from the hearts of others. Things I can use to be useful to people I move onto. To try to manipulate their negativity.
And then when I have done too much, I put myself out there. I tell my story, I shed tears, I spend time talking of myself. And that's always the end of it. When I have proven myself not just a person, I become one in time. And that's not what people want. People want to be self involved. They want to be around people who tell them the universe does revolve around them. So when you stop, they become disinterested. So you go on. You find a new child.
I don't know what the fuck I'm going off on a tangent for, no one probably reads this or attaches any value to it anyway. It's just some girl they know sorting out thoughts that make no sense and have no ultimate meaning because the mind can change it's direction so quickly.
I just wish I knew something, sometimes.
On a completely different note, I got my eyebrow pierced.