(no subject)
Us Alchies are scared cats. When something scares me bad enough I jump out of god's will and do SOMETHING I can control. Sex, shopping, smoking(that's usually the first one I'll think of)eating etc. My will is bad for me These things done out of fear (fear of what? I don't know)cause me large amounts of pain and later frustation out of repeating the same shit once more, so I feel so bad so I do it again. (Sound familiar?) Buy cd's when I'm -1500, have sex with my ex <----- that is not respecting myself, or go back to smoking. Now any one of these things get me temporarily high and make me "happy" when otherwise I would be facing my fear and depending on god HOLY SHIT IMPOSSIBLE! I rationalize them so so well, like, "well without music life sucks, music makes me happy" <---- like I don't have hundreds of cd's already, "I'm really bored I have nothing else to do but make things to eat" "Sex is part of being human, it doesn't say anything in the big book about not having sex in your first year, besides we love eachother and we just wanted to get off. So What?" Oh and the fantasies about how good the first cigarette is after being quit for a while, and how it gets you high and makes you dizzy and relaxed etc. etc. etc. Either that or I've given up before on staying stopped because "I'm not recovering as fast as I want to, things aren't going my way whatever I don't give a fuck if I ruin my chances for saving my hip gimme a smoke."
So what is this fear that motivates my to say Fuck god's will in the first place? The fear of not being loved/liked/pretty/good enough/funny all that general shit? I don't know that's too easy, do I really cause myself that much pain for lies that somehow leak into my brain, insecurities that emanate from the hole in my spirit. Or is it something I have never considered. Is everything really that simple, how can I not think (Ya I know, use suggestions)
This shit really is pure INSANITY how can I continue to be so scared to give the god in me complete contol of my life, when I am the one that has fucked it up over and over and over. And said "Damn I never wanna do that again" but find another way days, weeks, months later to repeat behavior that I want gone out of my life. It's frustating.
I'm sort of against that whole God Satan Christian thingy, ok not Christianity but what it has been made into and the way some parts of the bible have been interpreted and pretty much made into laws, it's pretty sik but that's what I will call them cuz I have no other names.
All this shit that I have just described are here in every person alive, it's not just drunks that are plagued by the "I'm fuct, there is no God, let me do it" mindset, and act out in the same ways that sober alcoholics do. We are all being attacked by Satan who's main goal is death and God is trying to save and restore us to life. The funny thing is that if you think about it Satan does a lot more planning and strategizing cuz he has to get us to kill ourselves. God knows solution. All my pain, frustration, misery, depression, loneliness, is of my own doing. The death of my spirit is my doing (turning away from God)Then I get to feel like life is nothing and all that shit. God restores anything, or has the ability to restore anything Satan gets you to break, relationships, bodies, brains. God's shit takes a lot more work with us doing less, Satan sits back and has his bitches feed him fire water while we go do the work to break ourselves down and die. I never thought of that, Satan's home is fire which turn things to ashes and makes them disappear, God's thang is water which makes you healithier and healthier and is basically intertwined with every aspect of life itself. We are 90% water, water can be manipulated by negative energy and love, positivity. Huh.
I've been crying a lot lately and I'm not exactly sure why. I do know that little irk that comes before I do something means continuing will result in pain. I don't need to run it by someone and get confirmation that it's not bad so I can go ahead with my plan or get words in my brain that say don't do it, cuz humans don't feel in words. I just need to not do it cuz I get that irk all the time and ignore, why is it so hard? Another form of insanity.
Hopefully I will live to see serenity.
So what is this fear that motivates my to say Fuck god's will in the first place? The fear of not being loved/liked/pretty/good enough/funny all that general shit? I don't know that's too easy, do I really cause myself that much pain for lies that somehow leak into my brain, insecurities that emanate from the hole in my spirit. Or is it something I have never considered. Is everything really that simple, how can I not think (Ya I know, use suggestions)
This shit really is pure INSANITY how can I continue to be so scared to give the god in me complete contol of my life, when I am the one that has fucked it up over and over and over. And said "Damn I never wanna do that again" but find another way days, weeks, months later to repeat behavior that I want gone out of my life. It's frustating.
I'm sort of against that whole God Satan Christian thingy, ok not Christianity but what it has been made into and the way some parts of the bible have been interpreted and pretty much made into laws, it's pretty sik but that's what I will call them cuz I have no other names.
All this shit that I have just described are here in every person alive, it's not just drunks that are plagued by the "I'm fuct, there is no God, let me do it" mindset, and act out in the same ways that sober alcoholics do. We are all being attacked by Satan who's main goal is death and God is trying to save and restore us to life. The funny thing is that if you think about it Satan does a lot more planning and strategizing cuz he has to get us to kill ourselves. God knows solution. All my pain, frustration, misery, depression, loneliness, is of my own doing. The death of my spirit is my doing (turning away from God)Then I get to feel like life is nothing and all that shit. God restores anything, or has the ability to restore anything Satan gets you to break, relationships, bodies, brains. God's shit takes a lot more work with us doing less, Satan sits back and has his bitches feed him fire water while we go do the work to break ourselves down and die. I never thought of that, Satan's home is fire which turn things to ashes and makes them disappear, God's thang is water which makes you healithier and healthier and is basically intertwined with every aspect of life itself. We are 90% water, water can be manipulated by negative energy and love, positivity. Huh.
I've been crying a lot lately and I'm not exactly sure why. I do know that little irk that comes before I do something means continuing will result in pain. I don't need to run it by someone and get confirmation that it's not bad so I can go ahead with my plan or get words in my brain that say don't do it, cuz humans don't feel in words. I just need to not do it cuz I get that irk all the time and ignore, why is it so hard? Another form of insanity.
Hopefully I will live to see serenity.