feelings

[chokingrope]

I'm not the best at letting myself feel stuff I like to analyze tha fuck out of it. I was going through my bag of cards and shit from the hospital, debating on wether or not i was keeping any of it (for what? i have no idea) Im a fucking cancer we keep shit. So I see this letter from Alex and it says "the woman of my dreams" and I start bawling like a baby, now I am still getting used to crying kind of but while I'm doing it I'm thinking why am i crying I cannot be sad that he left me that makes me a victim then I just sit up and i say Fuck Boys. Which I feel is also not a good way to handle it cuz he didnt really do anything wrong I have no reason to say Fuck Alex, But is it possible to like come to terms with something before saying FUCK IT? I don't know I pretty much do my thinking through A.A. (the good stuff anyway) and I know before you stop drinking you have to say Fuck this. I know that it's healthy and the right thing to do to feel stuff but what the fuck am i even feeling, I have no right to be sorry for myself, am i just sad that I don't get him, scared, I don't know. I think fear feels different than this. At the moment my life is miraculous, I need to tell myself that twice daily to be grateful but sometimes it goes a couple days and i think my lifes shitty or I hate life cuz i can't do this and that. Such baby shit. I was just looking in the mirror, just got out of the bath, put my face shit on which I got from the doctor looked at my hair and face and i liked me. And it just hit me how fucking good i have it, 3 years ago I was lucky if i had some chicken and a cigarette. Fuck a doctor, fuck showering, shit i chopped my own hair off, and when I looked in the mirror I didn't know who was looking back. SO WHAT am i trippin on, i wanna be cute i wanna be loved i want my ego stroked before I look for sanity, and really cum on I just want to shut my eyes at night with a smile on my heart. And I feel like I'm not getting it fast enough, I'm 20 I don't know very much, but i know that i suck at being manager. And Fuck it if I don't have a boy that's how it's set up. I know that my plans leave me wanting more, unsatisfaction I'm good at that. And if he and he dont think im cute what does that subtract from my report card? There are mlti levels to life and I swear boys drinking and gambling are like the second lowest. When that gets my attention that's where I stand. Music is up there that's how god talks to me I don't hear voices anymore.
One thing that makes me happy:
When I read the letter it said We're gonna be sittin front row at Teatro Zinzani and he bought tickets it wasn't and empty idea.
I HAVENT SMOKED IN 6 DAYS
Tommorrow I get Reiki
That's savage