(no subject)

[chokethestars]

I haven't been straight all week. 
I miss Dan, but I won't talk to him. I can't.
We haven't even spoken since Sunday.

I get myspace messages saying "I miss you."
It kills me inside.

Max asked me out. I had to say no.
"Too soon, I'm sorry."
He was good about it though.
He said he'd wait.

Dan's been back from college all weekend and I haven't seen him.
I'm afraid to stay home, incase he comes to my house.
I know if I see him, I'll get sucked back in.

I saw Jamie last night.
We got drunk on rum and walked around the neighborhood.
He lives in New Hampshire now. He's just down for the weekend.
I didn't come home until 4am and I felt worse than I had in a long time.

I'm afraid I'll never be as comfortable with a person as I was with Dan.
I feel like if I get a boyfriend, I'm going to try and change him to be more like Dan.
Play Halo. Play WoW. Eat Taco Bell. Don't shave. Kiss me there.

I mean, I like my life now.
I like having a life and not feeling bad for it.
But everything in me changed.
I'm getting drunk to distract myself from that, but it's true.

Everything I was is gone.
Everything I wanted has changed.
And I want to be stronger and I'm grasping for straws.