NO FORTRESS...NO FIRE
I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO CONTROL...WHICH IS HARD FOR ME... I WANT THAT CONTROL.... TO SETTLE DOWN IN MY CHAIR KNOWING THAT I HAVE MADE THINGS THE WAY I WANT THEM... TO HOLD MY JAW UP AND SQUINT MY EYES AT THE FUTURE ALMOST TO SAY THAT THERE IS NOTHING LIFE CAN THROW AT ME THAT WILL MAKE ME FLINCH... THEN I WAKE UP FROM MY DAY DREAM AND IM IN MY ROOM WITH THE LIGHTS OFF...FUCK... I NEVER CHOSE TO HAVE ALI AS A FRIEND... LIFE JUST FELL INTO PLACE THAT WAY... IT JUST HAPPENED... I CANT CONTROL MY FEELINGS... MY URGES..I CAN TRY... I CAN TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND FUCKING TRY....TELL MYSELF EVERYDAY THAT I CANT HAVE WHAT I WANT...TELL MYSELF THAT THE BULLSHIT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS "GOOD ENOUGH"....I TELL MYSELF TO CALM DOWN.. TO STOP DRINKING....TO STOP CRYING... GET THE FUCK OVER IT....AND THEN I START ARGUING WITH MYSELF...BECAUSE I D O N T W A N T T O G E T O V E R I T.... I MEAN I MAKE SOME EXCELLENT POINTS ON BOTH SIDES...THERES IS NO SOLID DECISION ONE WAY OR THE OTHER...NO END TO THE HURRICANE OF THOUGHT...I END UP SO ANGRY.... ANGRY AT MY SELF FOR NOT KNOWING HOW TO FIX EVERYTHING...ANGRY AT MYSELF FOR FUCKING THIS ALL UP...ANGRY AT HER FOR NOT ACCEPTING ME...ANGRY AT THE WORLD FOR REJECTING ME...ANGRY AT ...FUCK .. ANYONE INFRONT OF ME... THE TREES MAKE ME CRY...THE WIND ON MY FACE... THE RUMBLING OF THE BUS... A BICYCLE... AN OLD SHOE.....I LOOK AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR AND ....IM NUMB...I WANT TO FIX IT... I WANT TO FIX EVERYTHING...I WANT ALI BUT I CANT HAVE HER...AND THEN PEOPLE ASK ME HOW IM DOING......................................