Jul 06, 2015 09:40
It has been.. A long time.
I intended to bring back my LJ - at least one of them - to give myself a private place to rant. I found that people I knew were still listed here, that there were entries from ten years ago hanging out here, reminding me of what life was. The last few entries were from right before we got pregnant with our oldest.
Three kids, numerous houses, and god only knows what later, and it's sort of funny to see how much has changed, while.. So much hasn't.
Things are okay. They are not great. They are okay. I keep wondering if they'll ever truly be great, but I think that would require winning millions in the lottery, and since that will never happen, we have to keep our heads up. Be positive. Keep hoping for the best and imagine that things are better.
I watch five kids during the day. It is exhausting. It wears on me emotionally and physically, and every day that passes I can feel a little more of me crumble away. It isn't just from them, of course - I get a break, at least slightly, from two of them on the weekends - but a lot of it has to do with Colin too. And that makes me feel bad, because I look back on all this emotional ranting and I'm reminded just how much I missed him, how desperate I was to live life with him. And now I have that, and I complain?
But he's different. He says it's because of the time we spent apart while he lived without me, that it messed with his head. Says it's because of growing up and not being ready for everything we've been through, and not knowing how to appropriately deal with it. I'd say, well, I wasn't ready for and I don't know what the hell I'm doing, either, but here I am. With five kids every day. Never leaving the damn house because getting them into the van takes 15 minutes of committment and a serious need to go someplace. It's taxing. It's exhausting. And every night, now, he hurts - to the point where he's taking the leftover hydrocodone he had for his diverticulitis to try to get rid of the pain in his back. He yells. Overreacts. Assumes a lot. He's lost a lot of what made him. I miss the guy I fell for. I have no idea what happened to him. But I miss him.
Adulting sucks. I need an adultier adult. I spend every day feeling like I've lost a little more of me. There's so much I used to enjoy doing and now I don't even get five minutes to myself and there is an 18 month old dropping my drink all over the floor and kids upstairs screaming and arguing and coming down to whine and tattle on each other. I want to scream. But I can't. So my option becomes, smile, pretend I'm okay, every fucking day, day in and day out. I shouldn't be like this at almost 30 - shouldn't I have this adulting thing down by now? - but I feel like it's the only choice I have. Colin has it worse. Everybody has it worse. My problems are minor. They have to stay that way to keep us functional.