(no subject)
So it's about high time for my standard end-of-the-year reflection post. I know that the first paragraph or so is going to feel like a total chore, but once I get really into it I'm going to remember why I have a livejournal in the first place, and I'll feel completely relieved at having experienced a catharsis and a new perspective simultaneously. Sigh... here goes:
2009 has represented a period of great growth, contemplation, and reevaluation for me. I know these things happen to people every year, and it doesn't make much sense to live a bit longer and not know a bit more, but this year in particular has meant the world to me. I can truly feel myself growing up and growing into my role as an adult, when for so long I resisted all notions of leaving a childlike state of mind. There's nothing wrong with being young at heart, but there comes a time when a person must decide what's important.
I began the year with big hopes and big dreams, big fantasies that were unaccompanied by attention to detail. I made money, spent it on my vices, and saved not a single penny. Every weekend was a blur of hilarious stories involving random men and tequila, tales romanticized into events that made life interesting. And life always WAS interesting, there was never a dull moment. But as I progressed through the year I failed to recognize the dull cycle that we deemed a whirlwind of adventure. I kept drinking, and kept laughing, and stopped caring about "the right way" to do things. I felt free and happy and crazy, and I loved every moment of it. Spring break was practically a dream come true and an exercise in pure liberation. There was a naive sense of invincibility surrounding us, and let me tell you, none of it would have left my system otherwise.
By the end of spring semester, I was nearly failing all of my classes, I was devoting all of my energy to uniting against something rather than uniting for something, and I was sacrificing underestimated friendships for highly overestimated ones. I became involved in secrets, slander, and selfishness. Oh it was all so very romantic at the time, so very dramatic, so very exciting, as usual. Those who know me best know that I live for the drama of it all. And while I tend to place a higher value on events and decisions that result in the most entertaining stories possible, I never feel responsible for anything. It doesn't make any sense, but I love a good story, and I love telling them even more. By my 22nd birthday I believed I had it all, and in a way I did.
My plans were in shambles by the start of the summer, and I sank into a nearly misanthropic vacuum. I talked to nearly no one. By July I resolved to make a big change, and I started watching my diet. I started going to the gym. I started experiencing a higher order of clarity. I started noticing myself more than I noticed others, and I began to focus. September was a time of healing, reparation, and new happiness as I found myself in a beautiful living situation with loving caring people. Through October I had some wild nights, some blackouts, some more crazy stories, but none that damaged me the way they did before. I started to respect myself, and I started to earn respect.
The greatest lesson I learned was that a person assigns himself his own value. I am only worth what I give myself credit for and what I FEEL I am worth. It's intimidating but altogether empowering, as I am unwaveringly ambitious and will always maintain a nearly pompous level of self-efficacy. I decided on medical school, I decided on my priorities, and I decided that love has many forms and I should embrace them all. I am learning to love myself and to learn myself, and to seek my own happiness as opposed to others'. There is a great realm of knowledge that I will never achieve, and the more I learn the more I am burdened by what I do not know. But one thing is for sure: I am responsible for my life. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. It's not scary, it's amazing. I have control.
I've learned a lot about men this year too. I learned a hard lesson about lust, and an even harder lesson about love. Did I confuse love and lust this year? Yes, more than once. Did I actually fall in love this year? Yes, but it didn't feel like storybook love or passionate love, it just made a lot of sense. Too much sense really. But the more it made total sense, the less it appealed to me, as I'm terrified of a 'sure thing' at this age. Now is not the right time for me to map out the rest of my love life... there are too many other things for me to experience, too much knowledge to gain, and too much to miss out on.
In the end I just want to enjoy myself. I want to love being young, I want to give to the people I care about, and I want to share my time with the people who deserve it. I still love the drama, I still love romance, I still love all things crazy and unpredictable... but for once, I know where I'm going, I know what makes me happy, and I know that I have the most wonderful network of people to help me get through anything. I may not know where I'll be in a month, but I know I'll make the right decisions on my way there. I trust myself more. I trust my instincts. I'll know what to do.
I'm not worried anymore. Bring it on, 2010, I'm ready.
2009 has represented a period of great growth, contemplation, and reevaluation for me. I know these things happen to people every year, and it doesn't make much sense to live a bit longer and not know a bit more, but this year in particular has meant the world to me. I can truly feel myself growing up and growing into my role as an adult, when for so long I resisted all notions of leaving a childlike state of mind. There's nothing wrong with being young at heart, but there comes a time when a person must decide what's important.
I began the year with big hopes and big dreams, big fantasies that were unaccompanied by attention to detail. I made money, spent it on my vices, and saved not a single penny. Every weekend was a blur of hilarious stories involving random men and tequila, tales romanticized into events that made life interesting. And life always WAS interesting, there was never a dull moment. But as I progressed through the year I failed to recognize the dull cycle that we deemed a whirlwind of adventure. I kept drinking, and kept laughing, and stopped caring about "the right way" to do things. I felt free and happy and crazy, and I loved every moment of it. Spring break was practically a dream come true and an exercise in pure liberation. There was a naive sense of invincibility surrounding us, and let me tell you, none of it would have left my system otherwise.
By the end of spring semester, I was nearly failing all of my classes, I was devoting all of my energy to uniting against something rather than uniting for something, and I was sacrificing underestimated friendships for highly overestimated ones. I became involved in secrets, slander, and selfishness. Oh it was all so very romantic at the time, so very dramatic, so very exciting, as usual. Those who know me best know that I live for the drama of it all. And while I tend to place a higher value on events and decisions that result in the most entertaining stories possible, I never feel responsible for anything. It doesn't make any sense, but I love a good story, and I love telling them even more. By my 22nd birthday I believed I had it all, and in a way I did.
My plans were in shambles by the start of the summer, and I sank into a nearly misanthropic vacuum. I talked to nearly no one. By July I resolved to make a big change, and I started watching my diet. I started going to the gym. I started experiencing a higher order of clarity. I started noticing myself more than I noticed others, and I began to focus. September was a time of healing, reparation, and new happiness as I found myself in a beautiful living situation with loving caring people. Through October I had some wild nights, some blackouts, some more crazy stories, but none that damaged me the way they did before. I started to respect myself, and I started to earn respect.
The greatest lesson I learned was that a person assigns himself his own value. I am only worth what I give myself credit for and what I FEEL I am worth. It's intimidating but altogether empowering, as I am unwaveringly ambitious and will always maintain a nearly pompous level of self-efficacy. I decided on medical school, I decided on my priorities, and I decided that love has many forms and I should embrace them all. I am learning to love myself and to learn myself, and to seek my own happiness as opposed to others'. There is a great realm of knowledge that I will never achieve, and the more I learn the more I am burdened by what I do not know. But one thing is for sure: I am responsible for my life. Nobody is going to tell me what to do. It's not scary, it's amazing. I have control.
I've learned a lot about men this year too. I learned a hard lesson about lust, and an even harder lesson about love. Did I confuse love and lust this year? Yes, more than once. Did I actually fall in love this year? Yes, but it didn't feel like storybook love or passionate love, it just made a lot of sense. Too much sense really. But the more it made total sense, the less it appealed to me, as I'm terrified of a 'sure thing' at this age. Now is not the right time for me to map out the rest of my love life... there are too many other things for me to experience, too much knowledge to gain, and too much to miss out on.
In the end I just want to enjoy myself. I want to love being young, I want to give to the people I care about, and I want to share my time with the people who deserve it. I still love the drama, I still love romance, I still love all things crazy and unpredictable... but for once, I know where I'm going, I know what makes me happy, and I know that I have the most wonderful network of people to help me get through anything. I may not know where I'll be in a month, but I know I'll make the right decisions on my way there. I trust myself more. I trust my instincts. I'll know what to do.
I'm not worried anymore. Bring it on, 2010, I'm ready.