Kat wins - again
Today Kat wins the award for having a good idea. She said she is writing down a list of all the things that have been stressful, or have gone wrong lately. I was like "hey . . that's a good idea . . maybe I should try that, then maybe I can look at it and figure out what the heck is going on"
So this is my list of crap. Really, more for my reading 'enjoyment' than yours, but if you really feel like reading it then . . go ahead I guess.
#1 on the list I don't even have to think about - needles. fear of them. paranoia cased by the fear of them, the fact we're supposed to go to the Dentist like over half a year ago now to get some cavities fixed, and now we've missed a regular cleaning appointment as well last month on top of things. So, really behind there . . .
Flu shot - we need to get one. We can get really sick if we get the flu. Not to mention, I don't really want to miss another week of school due to being sick, when I can prevent it by getting what, 30 seconds of pain? How bad can it be?!? Too bad people inside are not so rational about these things . . . no one to take us = it's not happening. Constant nagging in the back of our head that we're not taking care of ourselves = paranoia that 'it' could just come 'get us' out of no where. No one said paranoia is rational or logical.
Doctor - right . . .
ok, gotta go get a refill on my prescriptions . . . which I probably will do, since I can do that on my own, but it means I'm going to have to face . . the questions . . . as to why we are not getting tests done and why we are not taking care of ourself . . . and other things to which I have no real good answer. Sometimes being asked questions scares me. How dumb is that? I just feel so uncomfortable, and I start getting claustrophobic and trapped and I start to panic and it's just . . . I feel like such a moron. And I hate feeling out of control like that. It's scary.
Other ongoing doctor things - things I'm not even going to talk about here because well, it's all a big secret that no one knows. But it all involves us not seeking medical help or advice for things due to being afraid of proceedures and such. Basically, I'm not taking care of myself. End of story. I know I'm bad for not doing that, and I should 'get over it' or something or act like an adult, or take responsibility, and I am taking responsibility but people don't get that there's ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO. I am not God, and I can't magically make us not be multiple. If I don't have any support in this area, then I can only do what I can, and right now that's not much. If people don't like it, then they can either keep their opinions to themselves, or if they care so much, they can bloody well give me a hand already.
*Note: that rant is not directed at anyone in particular, just at the general public*
OK. so all that one thing is one great big snowball of a problem for us right now. and I'm talking massive. It invades our days, our nights, all the time. We have nightmares at night about various things relating to that, we have panic attacks in the day time, it triggers flashbacks, causes stress which causes us to have more symptoms and no solution, which causes more fear and anxiety . . . it's a great big bad stress ball. Seriousely, if I could find a solution to this right now, it'd eliminate like 65% of my stress, and probably help with the nightmares.
Onto the rest of thigns though. Just a note - just about everything else that I'm having trouble with in my life can some how be related back to #1, or the effects of #1 invading the rest of my life. Eg. lack of sleep, excessive muscle tension, stomache cramps . . .
ok. onto other things.
#2 I'm exhausted. See #1 and #2
#3 I'm having nightmares alot. again, see #1 for about 50 - 60% of them. The rest is mostly people I love getting hurt in ways which we were (?) hurt (ok, so that's what the kids and Geri say, but I don't actually know that for sure myself really, as I can't remember anything that happened to us)
#4 I failed my math test. Good news is that it's the first test that I got less than 77% on in math, so really it's not the end of the world, just crappy.
#5 I REALLY failed my social studies essay test. That's the 3rd out of 4 that I've got 0% on now. Good news is Kat says she's going to teach us how to write a social essay before our next essay. My social teacher said if Kat gives us a 'mock essay' to do, that she'll mark it and hand it back to us, though it won't count for actual marks. Bad news is that . . . I'm still failing social.
Big time.
#6 Everything about WWI is going through my brain like water through a sieve these days. Consequently, I'm afraid I'm going to fail my unit test on this, as well as the essay that I already failed. Have to write it tomorrow. If I fail this, I may not be able to bring my mark up enough to pass by the end of the year. We'll see, it's not beyond hope yet, but it's getting pretty near damn close to needing a miracle.
#7 I'm having trouble not hurting myself . . . this includeing cutting and intentionally depriving us of food. . . . I don't really want to go into that here.
#8 I am fat. I hate this. It's driving me crazy.
#9 Therapy is really hard because it's scary to be asked questions and even when we don't answer them outloud we're still knowing the answer in our head and sometimes it makes us think of things we don't want to think of and we're too scared to say it out loud so it just stays inside and goes around and around until we feel like we're going to explode if we don't express it somehow . . .
but we're still scared to talk.
#10 I am incredibly grateful for the friendship and love my friend Kat has given us recently, and at the same time terrified that I am going to distroy her if I am not constantly on my guard as to what I am saying and how much I am asking of her because she is so selfless that she'd run herself into the ground for us I think . . . . but I'd do the same for her too. It's just one of those constantly conflicting things. I want to run to her, and away from her . . . to her because I trust her, and away from her because I'm afraid that I'm doing more harm than good sometimes.
Right now though, I don't feel like I am . . . but lots of times I get very confused inside and mixed up because all I think is that I am hurting her and not helping as much as I am hurting.
#11 I feel the same way with Sandie too sometimes, but I talk to her less. Especially lately though it seems when I do talk to her it's always us needing something and rarely us giving anything. She doesn't talk about her 'problems' much, but she listens to ours alot. I feel pretty bad about this most of the time. But I love her too . . . she's just a bit farther away.
OK, it worked . . . I am doing what Kat did and falling asleep writing this. Then again, it's almost 1:30 am now. If I yawn any bigger though my jaw is going to come unhinged.
I guess I'll have to finish this another day.
So this is my list of crap. Really, more for my reading 'enjoyment' than yours, but if you really feel like reading it then . . go ahead I guess.
#1 on the list I don't even have to think about - needles. fear of them. paranoia cased by the fear of them, the fact we're supposed to go to the Dentist like over half a year ago now to get some cavities fixed, and now we've missed a regular cleaning appointment as well last month on top of things. So, really behind there . . .
Flu shot - we need to get one. We can get really sick if we get the flu. Not to mention, I don't really want to miss another week of school due to being sick, when I can prevent it by getting what, 30 seconds of pain? How bad can it be?!? Too bad people inside are not so rational about these things . . . no one to take us = it's not happening. Constant nagging in the back of our head that we're not taking care of ourselves = paranoia that 'it' could just come 'get us' out of no where. No one said paranoia is rational or logical.
Doctor - right . . .
ok, gotta go get a refill on my prescriptions . . . which I probably will do, since I can do that on my own, but it means I'm going to have to face . . the questions . . . as to why we are not getting tests done and why we are not taking care of ourself . . . and other things to which I have no real good answer. Sometimes being asked questions scares me. How dumb is that? I just feel so uncomfortable, and I start getting claustrophobic and trapped and I start to panic and it's just . . . I feel like such a moron. And I hate feeling out of control like that. It's scary.
Other ongoing doctor things - things I'm not even going to talk about here because well, it's all a big secret that no one knows. But it all involves us not seeking medical help or advice for things due to being afraid of proceedures and such. Basically, I'm not taking care of myself. End of story. I know I'm bad for not doing that, and I should 'get over it' or something or act like an adult, or take responsibility, and I am taking responsibility but people don't get that there's ONLY SO MUCH I CAN DO. I am not God, and I can't magically make us not be multiple. If I don't have any support in this area, then I can only do what I can, and right now that's not much. If people don't like it, then they can either keep their opinions to themselves, or if they care so much, they can bloody well give me a hand already.
*Note: that rant is not directed at anyone in particular, just at the general public*
OK. so all that one thing is one great big snowball of a problem for us right now. and I'm talking massive. It invades our days, our nights, all the time. We have nightmares at night about various things relating to that, we have panic attacks in the day time, it triggers flashbacks, causes stress which causes us to have more symptoms and no solution, which causes more fear and anxiety . . . it's a great big bad stress ball. Seriousely, if I could find a solution to this right now, it'd eliminate like 65% of my stress, and probably help with the nightmares.
Onto the rest of thigns though. Just a note - just about everything else that I'm having trouble with in my life can some how be related back to #1, or the effects of #1 invading the rest of my life. Eg. lack of sleep, excessive muscle tension, stomache cramps . . .
ok. onto other things.
#2 I'm exhausted. See #1 and #2
#3 I'm having nightmares alot. again, see #1 for about 50 - 60% of them. The rest is mostly people I love getting hurt in ways which we were (?) hurt (ok, so that's what the kids and Geri say, but I don't actually know that for sure myself really, as I can't remember anything that happened to us)
#4 I failed my math test. Good news is that it's the first test that I got less than 77% on in math, so really it's not the end of the world, just crappy.
#5 I REALLY failed my social studies essay test. That's the 3rd out of 4 that I've got 0% on now. Good news is Kat says she's going to teach us how to write a social essay before our next essay. My social teacher said if Kat gives us a 'mock essay' to do, that she'll mark it and hand it back to us, though it won't count for actual marks. Bad news is that . . . I'm still failing social.
Big time.
#6 Everything about WWI is going through my brain like water through a sieve these days. Consequently, I'm afraid I'm going to fail my unit test on this, as well as the essay that I already failed. Have to write it tomorrow. If I fail this, I may not be able to bring my mark up enough to pass by the end of the year. We'll see, it's not beyond hope yet, but it's getting pretty near damn close to needing a miracle.
#7 I'm having trouble not hurting myself . . . this includeing cutting and intentionally depriving us of food. . . . I don't really want to go into that here.
#8 I am fat. I hate this. It's driving me crazy.
#9 Therapy is really hard because it's scary to be asked questions and even when we don't answer them outloud we're still knowing the answer in our head and sometimes it makes us think of things we don't want to think of and we're too scared to say it out loud so it just stays inside and goes around and around until we feel like we're going to explode if we don't express it somehow . . .
but we're still scared to talk.
#10 I am incredibly grateful for the friendship and love my friend Kat has given us recently, and at the same time terrified that I am going to distroy her if I am not constantly on my guard as to what I am saying and how much I am asking of her because she is so selfless that she'd run herself into the ground for us I think . . . . but I'd do the same for her too. It's just one of those constantly conflicting things. I want to run to her, and away from her . . . to her because I trust her, and away from her because I'm afraid that I'm doing more harm than good sometimes.
Right now though, I don't feel like I am . . . but lots of times I get very confused inside and mixed up because all I think is that I am hurting her and not helping as much as I am hurting.
#11 I feel the same way with Sandie too sometimes, but I talk to her less. Especially lately though it seems when I do talk to her it's always us needing something and rarely us giving anything. She doesn't talk about her 'problems' much, but she listens to ours alot. I feel pretty bad about this most of the time. But I love her too . . . she's just a bit farther away.
OK, it worked . . . I am doing what Kat did and falling asleep writing this. Then again, it's almost 1:30 am now. If I yawn any bigger though my jaw is going to come unhinged.
I guess I'll have to finish this another day.