(no subject)
I've been thinking about people that have hurt me lately, for whatever good that will do (and the answer is none). I hate when I get like this, because even though I'm happily married, I can still look back at those relationships along the way and conjure those bad feelings. It's not being angry with anyone, or even sad that it didn't work out (obviously). Andy doesn't understand how I can still be upset about these things when I am where I am now. It's true, I can see why he wouldn't get it. But the best way I can think to explain it is this: someone spent some time with me (whether we actually "dated" or not) and thought to themselves, "Meh..."
You're just not doing it for me.
Whether it was some guy or girl in high school I had liked but who never returned the feelings, or someone I actually did date for a while and decided it wasn't a good fit. They say to you, in whatever words they choose, "You're just not what I want." They are, essentially, rejecting you as a person. I don't like who you are or what you do. Your morals and actions do not live up to my standards. Your education focused on different things than mine; therefore, we aren't compatible. You've (gasp!) used drugs.
In a weird way, I kind of wish I could go back to high school for like a month and just totally change the way I did things (assuming I could still come back to where I am now--paradox-free time traveling). You know, talk to more people, say to someone, "Hey, you seem like a cool guy. Wanna grab coffee?" and just do the spontaneous things people always wish they'd done.
This reminds me of that SA thread I read once, "What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?" and people inevitably started saying, "I'll probably be back looking at these same threads ten years from now, wishing I had done something differently in 2009, too." I have a friend who recently posted that there were things he felt he'd completely missed out on and that he was too old to venture for them now, and that he's only 25. I totally know what he's talking about. Sometimes it's little things, like how I never rollerbladed as a kid, and I don't feel like I could learn now. But I'm working on those things, trying to be braver.
Bravery is tough. There's always that chance of rejection, even if not in the dating world (that door is closed). I don't know, what would happen if I tried rollerblading? Probably the same thing that happened when I tried ice skating a few years ago. I held on to the tiny ledge for dear life, fell down anyway, but survived. Andy knew what a big deal it was for me, so at least I was appreciated for my efforts. It's so much easier for me to talk myself out of something before I even try it. But nothing's gained from living like that.
You're just not doing it for me.
Whether it was some guy or girl in high school I had liked but who never returned the feelings, or someone I actually did date for a while and decided it wasn't a good fit. They say to you, in whatever words they choose, "You're just not what I want." They are, essentially, rejecting you as a person. I don't like who you are or what you do. Your morals and actions do not live up to my standards. Your education focused on different things than mine; therefore, we aren't compatible. You've (gasp!) used drugs.
In a weird way, I kind of wish I could go back to high school for like a month and just totally change the way I did things (assuming I could still come back to where I am now--paradox-free time traveling). You know, talk to more people, say to someone, "Hey, you seem like a cool guy. Wanna grab coffee?" and just do the spontaneous things people always wish they'd done.
This reminds me of that SA thread I read once, "What would you tell yourself 10 years ago?" and people inevitably started saying, "I'll probably be back looking at these same threads ten years from now, wishing I had done something differently in 2009, too." I have a friend who recently posted that there were things he felt he'd completely missed out on and that he was too old to venture for them now, and that he's only 25. I totally know what he's talking about. Sometimes it's little things, like how I never rollerbladed as a kid, and I don't feel like I could learn now. But I'm working on those things, trying to be braver.
Bravery is tough. There's always that chance of rejection, even if not in the dating world (that door is closed). I don't know, what would happen if I tried rollerblading? Probably the same thing that happened when I tried ice skating a few years ago. I held on to the tiny ledge for dear life, fell down anyway, but survived. Andy knew what a big deal it was for me, so at least I was appreciated for my efforts. It's so much easier for me to talk myself out of something before I even try it. But nothing's gained from living like that.