(no subject)
so tonight....today....was....not good. i don't really know how to start this post so i'm gonna just get right into it i guess. the whole show experience was dissapointing. i really don't know what i expected from her seeing me play - i *was* excited about it - i guess i was expected her to say that i was good and my band was good even if she didn't like the music. why? i guess it woulda just been nice to hear. instead i got "mediocre" and "average". ok well...thats her opinion. just less-than-exciting to hear. i guess in that situation i'd rather be lied to. anyways on to me being pissed today. if she wanted to know if i was a different person pissed or if she was scared of what she'd find....ask her what she thinks now because i was pissed tonight? why? because i felt backed into a corner and a need to fight back. i had everybody telling my how blatantly wrong i was and i felt like people were ganging up on me, so i reacted. i mean.....that sucks.....but i think i have a right to express that i'm pissed if i indeed harbour that emotion at the time. sometimes it feels like only she has the right to get annoyed/frustrated/pissed. if i do - then that's crossing the line. like tonight i really honestly was making a genuine effort to understand a situation, and "fuck it - you're never gonna understand anyway" was said. i can tell u guys right here that a comment like that will piss me off 100% of the time. why? because i hold the mentality that, "who the hell are you to tell me what i will and will not understand." ...maybe also a reason that i get pissed is because sometimes i think (while it is my conscious decesion to do so) i let things go - slip by - laugh off - to avoid conflict....and she chooses not to. do i have a right to get mad about that? no....i really don't think so, because it is my choice, but sometimes i think it maybe a little unfair for me to give up expressing concerns in order to avoid conflict and her not to.
i realize that i am ignorant....i do need to learn....and its like training a puppy....that sucks.....but i need to get over myself and accept it. it's like the other "problem" i had when we first started dating....and the terminology involved with the name of the problem. i just need to get over it....and deal with the problem instead of crying about it like a little girl. im more mad at myself than anything - and that sucks - because she's having to get it dumped on her. i don't like taking things out on her.
i love her so much. sometimes i want to brush problems aside for things to just be ok again. that's the wrong move - i know - it doesn't solve anything. i take full responsiblity for today - and i hope she knows that with time - ill grow to learn about her more as a person and these times will - if not 100% vanish - become much less prevalent. as do i hope that with time, and growing to know me, the doubts and the reluctance will demininsh in severity.
all of this takes work. it does not come easy. i think that is painfully obvious now. i guess that is why i didnt want (approx 2 mo ago) to have a serious relationship - because of the amount of work involved. but as u care for someone - u realize that the work is worth it - it's something u want to go through because the payoff is so good. i want to work through any problems we have. i love her with everything i have. i know that's saying a lot, but im ok with it. she's my best friend - someone i confide in - someone who's eyes i stare into - someone i kiss - someone i hold - someone who opens up to me and confides in me. i know that she's not the kind of person to put work into someone she doesn't value - so for her to go through so much for the cause of "us" - means alot to me. it proves the emotions she claims are real. have i proven that i love her yet? 50% of the time she believes me i think. i would like to know her position. what have i done that proves i love her? these last 3 days haven't been the easiest - no....but i still don't see this as a short-term relationship. i just see some things we need to work on right now....that's all.....my knowledge of her, my understanding of her views, and my actions need to be improved. ...and i want to improve it....not only for her and "us"....but to honestly better myself as a person. this is going to sound cheesy but living as the best man i can be is extremely important to me. this is something younger me didn't realize. thats one ideal i am proud of the navy for. on her side of things - we need to work on her trust of my/her feelings, and this relationship. it's hard to fix a problem when u're still deciding if u want to put in the effort it would take to fix it.
to sum things up.....i think we'll be ok.....i love her so much....and want to work through anything with her. things will get better with time - she and i will understand each other better. i'm just really appreciative and happy that she is such a big part of my life. she shows me things i've never had the courage or the vision to see/execute before, and i am a better person because she is in my life. i am thankful for "us", and the fact that she chooses to let me be a part of her life as well.
to my baby girl: .......im so sorry about today.....i didnt mean to take anything out on you.....take some time to urself....that'll be good......we'll talk soon......i love you so much. goodnight baby