[One-shot] Jar of Hearts [XiuSoo]
Originally posted by theanonymousmod at Jar of Hearts // for bluedreaming
Title: Jar of Hearts
Recipient: bluedreaming
Rating: PG-13
Length: 7,045 words
Side Pairing(s): N/A
Warning(s): [click to open]angst, character death
Summary: "People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk." - Stephen King
Author's Note: Thank you to R for helping me with my plotting! I do hope you like this, recipient-nim! It might not be what you expect but I actually got very emotional writing it (⊙△⊙✿)
The sky was a deep red shade cut through with streaks of orange and yellow where the clouds reflected the colors of the setting sun. The streets were starting to bustle with people, workers going home, kids going out or vendors opening their stalls. Lights flickered on, working outwards like a network of a spider's web. Ignoring it all, a man stood on the 48th floor of a company building, looking out towards the setting sun with a cup of tea in his hand. The harsh light shone into his office like the lights of a football field, bright and unfiltered. The items on his desk casted eerie shadows against the wall and when there was a knock at the door, he almost jumped at the shapes on the wall. A head peeked in, grin wide on a youthful face, ears sticking out cutely underneath the bomb snapback the other usually sported.
"Thank you for your help today! You're the best!"
Chanyeol was a simple man, young and full of energy, he reminded the man of his younger self. The younger had only entered the company about a year ago but he was already one of the favorites, talented and always willing to do his work without fail. The man smiled and nodded his head.
"It was a pleasure working with you Chanyeol, I hope we have more opportunities in the future."
With a bow and a flash of a grin, Chanyeol ducked his head out from the door, the wood sliding into place and the lock clicking shut. With a sigh, the man tilted his head back to gulp down the remaining drink in his hand before leaving it aside for the workers to clean that night. Turning to the desk, the man reached to grab the jacket that hung on the back of a tall leather chair, the black fabric soft and pliant in his hand. He draped it over his shoulder with his right arm, making sure to check himself in his reflection to see if anything was out of place. He still looked the way he did five years ago, there had been no change in his height, no change in his face, only a change in his abdomen where he had finally toned the muscles there. Unfortunately, most of the day it was covered by a crisp white shirt, the silk smooth but still not showing his hard work at the gym. His legs were always covered in black slacks, made from the same material as his jacket. The only time he wasn't in his work suit was at the gym or on weekends, where he would laze about in his boxers or a comfy pair of sweatpants. With a shake of his head, he turned towards the door, polished shoes clicking against the cold grey tiles of the floor. Just as he opened the door, his other hand reached to grab the briefcase that sat next to it, the leather shiny and almost untouched.
Turning left outside his office, he took the time to stroll towards the elevator, the communal workspace to his right was empty, removable walls dividing cubicles for the people working there. Lights shone from computer screens, as he walked past, some flickering like something from a horror movie but only had on some weird screensaver. He was almost at the elevator when he looked into a cubicle to his right. Everything there was still the same, the company had yet to find someone to fill the position. There were photographs pinned to the walls, of New York, of Paris, of Kazakhstan, of China, of Japan, of Sydney. On the desk sat a computer and a neat organizer that held pens, notepads and stickynotes of various colors, all of them with a light coat of dust on them. There was a flash of a smile, plump lips stretched around straight white teeth beneath adorable eyes, the man took a step back and tore his eyes away from the cubicle, walking briskly to the elevator and pressing the button a few times impatiently as if something was chasing him. When the elevator dinged to signal it's arrival, the man stepped in quickly, pressing the B on the list for the basement car park where his car was located for the day. The trip down was silent, save for the typical elevator music that every one of them seem to have. The man tapped his foot gently, briefcase now swung over his shoulder with his jacket so that he had a free hand to check his phone. 1 missed call from his aunt, 3 new messages, 16 new e-mails, 2 social networking notifications.
He pressed the call button for his aunt's number, heaving another sigh as the call connected. Ever since his parents had kicked him out when he was in college, his aunt had taken it as her responsibility to check up on him so that he didn't feel too depressed about the abandonment. Though, now that he was almost 30, he would prefer it if she toned down on the motherly instincts. There was a scuffle and a yell before there was a woman's voice telling off someone, probably his nephew who liked snatching phones.
"JONGIN I TOLD YOU TO STOP TAKING MY PHONE! Aish... Sweetie, how are you? Did you have lunch? Did you just finish work? Staying back again today?"
"Yes auntie. I had lunch, the salad recipe you sent me last week. I finished about an hour ago but I needed to stay back to check on the other workers."
"Okay, alright. But don't do it too often alright? What are you having for dinner? Are you going straight home? Don't loiter, I saw the news about someone else being kidnapped the other day."
"Auntie... I'm fine, I'll be fine. I'm almost 30, and a man. I'm sure they won't need to kidnap me anyway."
He let out a tired sigh as she takes a deep breath to ask another round of questions. Cutting her off, he quickly told her that he was at his car and he needed both hands to drive. She was reluctant to say goodbye but gave into his reasoning, she didn't want her sweetie nephew to drive unsafely. The man stowed his phone back into his pocket and fished out his keys, pressing the button for the black Mercedes that was the last car in the lot. The blinkers flashed, signalling the doors being unlocked, before he reached to pop open the door on the driver's side. Jacket and briefcase are flung behind him onto the back seat as he settles into the leather seat. Polished shoes position themselves onto the brake and accelerator pedals while his left arm pulls his door shut, the sound echoing in the car park. Front lights flicked on and seat belt buckled into place, the man smoothly pulls out of his spot, rolling quietly to the gates where the guard station sat between the entry and exit roads. The guard on duty that night was a nice boy, thin but exceptionally strong, and a Chinese native who had moved there for his studies, working at night to pay off his rent and school fees.
Zitao waved at him as he drove past, hand holding a coffee he was sipping and the other pressing a button to raise the gate. With a nod, the man was off, steering himself onto the streets and into the city. Lights flashed past as he drove home, the radio just a soft buzzing in the back of his mind while he relaxed back in his seat.
My name is Kim Minseok. I am turning 28 this year and work as a stocks consultant for one of the major companies in this city. Everyday my life is the same, I wake up, I eat, I work, I go home, I sleep, then repeat. On weekends, I spend most of my time on weekends at home, either sleeping or catching up on small things I have missed at work. I live alone, well not exactly. I live with a little puppy called Eevee, she's a cute little Pomeranian that I had gotten about two years ago. Apart from that, I don't really have a family, my parents had disowned me when I started college, my sexuality bringing them shame. My Auntie had taken me in at that point, looking after me and helping me through college to get my degree. I owe her alot, she was there when I lost the most important person in my life, she eased me through it and kept checking on me to make sure I didn't fall into depression.
When I was a child, my parents were caring, they loved me, doted on me until I entered schooling age. From there they stopped, they made me focus on my studies, no more soccer with my then best friend, the boy next door. No more Pokemon before school, no more action figures, no more childhood. In school I excelled, but at the cost of my young self being put through everything just for my parents' satisfaction. Music lessons in piano and violin, taekwondo, art lessons; eventually my toys were exchanged for education equipment, for things they thought would boost my intelligence. I became smarter than my classmates, always top of class but deep inside I had nothing more than a boy's heart, wanting to be able to run on the streets playing with the other kids while I sat in my room, my father barking out strings of theory that I had to jot down in my distorted writing.
It was hard on me, I withdrew and had no friends, no one wanted to be with the kid with the strict parents. No one wanted to hang around with someone they barely saw outside of school. I was alone, until he entered my life.
Pulling into a driveway, he reached out the window to swipe a card on the scanner on the side. The machine beeped, sparking a green light before the roller doors shuddered open, letting him drive inside. Turning into his designated spot, he parked his car smoothly, the only sound was the creak of the hand brake before he turned off the engine. The door opened and shut with a click, jacket thrown over his arm as the hand held the briefcase, walking towards the elevator that would take him up to the floor where his apartment was located.
Once again the ride up was slow and quiet, the music making him drowsy. Minseok barely remembered opening his door and shuffling inside, barely remembering eating a bowl of black bean noodle and starting in surprise when he felt the first droplets of water hit his hair under the shower head. It was just one of those days where he felt exhausted, completely drained of energy and all he wanted to do was sleep for a week. But in the back of his mind, a nagging voice reminded him of the report due tomorrow and the meeting with the CEO was the day after. Minseok sighed, running a hand through his now damp hair and stared at the wall. What was he even doing? He wasn't passionate about his job, he was just there because it was the one that paid well. It seemed so long ago that he was so happy, so glad to be alive and kicking the ass of that one suck-up at work. But now, everything seemed dreary and he felt like he was falling into a sinkhole, never able to see the light again.
After cleaning himself, Minseok stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying his skin and wrapping it around his waist as he grabbed a smaller one to dry his hair. He looked at himself in the mirror, slanted eyes gazing over his thin face. Minseok once had round cheeks and bright glittering eyes, his crooked teeth making his smile more adorable as people would compliment him on looking youthful and happy like a chipmunk in a stash of peanuts. But now, his eyes were dull, almost lifeless and his cheeks had hollowed out immensely, the plumpness gone and leaving a thin face that was void of any youth.
Minseok shook his head, letting the towel sit on his head as he shuffled the bedroom. Picking out a pair of sweatpants and a plain shirt, he dressed himself and threw the towels into the laundry hamper. His legs took him to the workroom, his body slumping down in the leather chair and he spins to look around the room.
His desk was made from a dark mahogany, carved details around the edges and on the legs, polished to the point he could still see his reflection in the less worn out areas. It was just one piece in the vast collection he had in the room, the same dark wood stood tall along the wall to his right, stacked high with novels, folders and reference books. On his left stood display cases, glass framed by the same wood as the rest of the furniture. There were trinkets from travels there, awards and collectibles that didn’t belong on the dusty shelf in the living room. In the middle of it all, sitting on a cute little rug that did not match the academic feel of the rest of the room; it was pastel pink, blue, purple and white, gentle colors that were more suited for a girl’s bedroom or the lounge, but there it sat, blindingly bright against the wooden chairs, the cushion on them soft and covered in velvet, placed there for those lazy reading days. Minseok shook his head and stopped spinning, rolling forward to be situated at the desk.
Everything on his desk were in their places, pens and sticky-note pads sitting in a desk organizer on the corner of the table. Large computer screen on the left corner, keyboard and mouse under the table. His laptop was closed on the side, the only indication of its continual use was the flickering of the little green light. Minseok’s eyes drifted to the picture frame settled next to his organizer, a jar of what looked like folded paper sitting beside it. In the frame, it was what people call a ‘selfie’, the camera angle was taken from above, the two people in it smiling cutely. It was Minseok back in the day, his hair dyed a light pink, styled into natural spikes and his eyes lined with kohl. His face was still round then, his soft chipmunk-like cheeks making him look much younger than his age, emphasized when pressed up against another soft cheek, the cheek of the boy that took the photo. His red hair glistened in the sun, styled up in elegant peaks and curls that fell over his forehead. Wide, innocent eyes stared up at the camera and lips pulled into a grin that radiated happiness. The photo itself was preserved well behind the glass but Minseok knew that it was the past and their time had come to a close, that he should move on but he found himself unable to.
Thin fingers reached for the jar, the glass heavy with the folded paper that filled it. It was a special jar, the glass itself laden with golden specks of glitter that sparkled in the light. The paper inside were of various times, the color of each one varying in shades, the fading remnants of pigments showing just how long they had been in there. There was a little note, yellowing and attached to a fraying piece of string around the neck of the jar. ‘Open one when you miss me.’ The handwriting was a bit smudged, almost as if the hand writing it was shaking, though eligible with the elegant loops that swirled across the page. Minseok chewed on his bottom lip, eyebrows furrowing at the thought before his fingers wrapped around the cork at the top, making it almost a bottle rather than a jar. It popped from the opening with a little effort, Minseok placing it to the side before two fingers reached in to pick out the top piece of paper, the color most faded.
Leaning back in his chair, he turned over the tiny folded piece of paper, running his fingertips over the straight edges and over the extra design in the middle. With a gentle pull, he pulled open a corner of the paper heart, opening it to a square of paper that had the same cursive writing as that on the note. His breath hitched as he started to read the message, eyes wide, flicking over the lines before a smile appeared on his thin lips.
Do you remember how we met, hyung? You were the hyung next door, you were in high school and I was still waddling around, barely able to read. My family moved into the house next door and I remember spending a lot of time by the window to watch you go to school. You were so cool with your uniform and your textbooks, I thought you were the most amazing hyung ever and I aspired to be as smart and cool as you too.
Minseok shook his head, he can’t believe the boy actually remembered that far. He had grown up in a sheltered environment, the most he ever got to do was play soccer with his old neighbour, a Chinese boy named Lu Han, before he hit school age. When Minseok started kindergarten, his parents started to hone his academics, forcing him to take extra lessons and become the top of his class. He essentially missed out on his childhood, even held back from saying goodbye to the only friend he had until then, Lu Han’s parents decided to move back to China, to manage the company they owned and to provide a wider education for their son. Minseok had cried in his room, under his bedsheets at night because if he had uttered anything other than his notes during the day, he would have gotten severe punishment for it. Two days later, a truck pulled in front of Lu Han’s old house, deliverymen starting to unload heavy furniture and carrying them inside the house. Minseok had accompanied his parents to say hello to their new neighbours, the couple next door all smiles and hugs as they greeted. They had two sons, the oldest son, Joonmyeon was the same age as Minseok, with a bright smile and handsome face, even at the age of 9. Behind him stood the younger brother, a little toddler, who clung to his brother’s leg, hiding behind it shyly as he peeked at Minseok. His arm was wrapped around a Thor figurine, the tiny child’s fingers gripping onto the plastic tightly. He remembered thinking that the boy was quite peculiar.
After finishing the note, Minseok sighed, a pained smile on his lips. His hand shook slightly, the paper falling onto the table like feathers in the wind, drifting back and forth gently. He takes a minute to think, does he want to open another heart or would he want to save those memories for another day? His fingers twitch and before he could even regret the action, the paper was already unfolded, fingertips smoothing out the creases. The handwriting looped elegantly across the paper, the ink dark against the faded purple of the flimsy paper.
Our first time actually talking to each other was when your parents went overseas for a week, you finally got to get out of the house. You were meeting with Joonmyeon hyung and your friends, I had to come along because hyung wouldn’t allow me to stay at home alone. He’s such a mom sometimes. Anyway, everyone decided that they wanted to watch that adult comedy Let’s Be Cops except for me, that sort of movie wasn’t my sort of thing. Joonmyeon hyung really wanted to enjoy spending time with everyone so he gave me that hurt look, as if it could affect me anymore. I said I wanted to watch Big Hero 6 or The Hobbit, to my surprise, you spoke up and said you wanted to watch those too instead of the movie the other’s wanted to see. So after talking to my hyung, you and I bought tickets to see Big Hero 6 instead, you even paid for my Baymax drink cup that still sits on the shelf at home. I cherish that cup, it brings back this memory of our first official meeting.
Eyes drifted to the Baymax cup that sits in the glass cabinet, the cute face of the balloon robot seemed to be smiling. Minseok had never known why the boy had wanted to keep the cup but he didn’t want to argue when the other turned to give him such wide puppy eyes. He remembers when they went to watch that movie, laughing at the Bah-la-la-la-la~ and cooed at the squishy Baymax. They exited the theatre laughing but with tears in the corner of their eyes at the sad scene at the end. Since their movie had started before Let’s Be Cops, they had to sit back and wait for the rest of the group to come out. Minseok had started the conversation, to get rid of the awkward tension between them and before they knew it, they were talking about everything and anything. Their views were similar, their sense of humour was the same and even their taste in music was not much different.
Getting up without a sound, Minseok padded out to the lounge where he bee-lined straight for the minibar. He looked over to the shelves next to the TV, DVDs and Blu-Rays lined them, top to bottom and two layers deep. Every single one of them had gotten the approval from the two of them, most of them were purchased together anyway. Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, all the collections were there, the Disney one just missing The Lion King 2 in limited edition to be complete. He placed the bottle down, looking down at his glass before taking a big gulp, eye scrunching up as a side effect of swallowing too much alcohol in one go. Minseok sighed, it was going to be a long night.
***
Pieces of unfolded paper were scattered over the auburn wood of the table, a figure slumped in his chair with a whole bottle of tequila, taking swigs of it at random intervals, the other hand clutching onto a similar piece of paper that had the same cursive handwriting as the ones that laid scattered around him like the broken pieces of his heart. Minseok groaned as he finished the bottle in his hand, letting it roll out of his hands and onto the floor where it joined the other empty bottles that preceded it. He had lost count of how many hearts he had opened, each one pulling back more and more memories, more layers of his heart, making him more and more emotional.
Without even thinking about the regret in the morning, his fingers plucked another heart from the jar, the folded pieces inside the sparkling glass were dwindling, barely sitting at the half line. Shaking his head to clear his mind for a bit, Minseok struggled to unfold the paper, the paper more crisp and digging into the skin of his fingers.
You messaged me on Wednesday the 3rd of June, after my last class for the day, it was Mathematics and I remember thinking that the message was a warm blanket on a cold day. But your message was not what I expected. “We need to talk.” Even though we were nothing more than really good friends, your studies came first in your family so I was scared, so scared that perhaps your parents thought I was too clingy, too distracting for your studies. Perhaps they banned you from seeing me, and that day was going to be the last time I would be able to talk to you ever again.
You came to meet me at the school gates at 2:31pm, apologizing and giving me that smile that I adored. Your parents were away again you tell me, that meant that you could hang out with me more. I asked you as we walked to the ice cream parlour, what did you want to talk to me about. You urged me into a booth, ordering a couple sundae for us to share. My heart was pounding, I could hear the rush of the blood in my ears. Are you doing this as a goodbye? The way you looked at me had my mouth go dry, my palms got clammy and I tried to hide behind the menu. When the sundae arrived, you took a scoop of the ice cream, holding out the spoonful of the icy cold treat to me. I couldn’t take it anymore, what were you trying to do hyung?
You probably saw my pained expression, your smile faltering before you reach to take my hand in yours. You were a college student now, and I was just a teenage boy, still going through puberty. When you played with my fingers, mumbling the question softly, I barely heard you but my heart felt like it was going to explode, for so long had I admired you, for so long I had wondered what it would be like to be able to call you mine-
Minseok paused, he slid a hand over his face, sliding up his forehead and through his hair. Tears were prickling at the corner of his eyes, his hand shaking and making the paper wobble uncontrollably.
I asked you to repeat it and you seemed to be more confident, perhaps after hearing my shaking voice. “Kyungsoo, would you do me the honour of becoming my boyfriend?” I didn’t think at all during that, it felt like time just stopped and I wish it did, so I could have spent more time with you. Not trusting myself, I remember I nodded, watching as your face broke out into a relieved smile. We became official, yet unofficial at that time, always having to hide but the thrill of it all, all the little things you did for me just made me love you even more.
Almost throwing the paper away from him, Minseok pushes himself back a meter or so, the wheels of the computer chair rolling gently against the wooden floorboards. The tears were starting to fall, his eyes wide and glistening as he buried his head in his hands. His chest throbbed with a dull ache, his nose sniffling gently. It took him about ten minutes to reorientate himself, turning back to the table and rolling back to the painful memories engraved on paper hearts. He was about to reach for another heart when he found that there was a layer of paper stars, all puffed and folded neatly. Minseok took the handful and placed them on the table, staring at them as he unravelled the first one, not sure if there was a message inside but he hoped there was.
You promise to take me to New York when I finish college.
I’ll help you find Lu Han hyung so you two can play soccer together again.
Let’s go diving at the Great Barrier Reef!
“I live to see you smile. I’ll be your knight in shining armour as long as I get to wake up to your smile first thing in the morning.” Glob, you’re so cheesy it makes me cringe sometimes.
Minseok’s in tears again, choking up on how stupid he sounded as well as how much that one line meant to him. Clutching the strip of paper close to his chest, the man curled up on the chair, burying his face against his knees as he let out pained sobs.
“How do I live now that I can’t see your smile anymore?”
Feeling his chest contract painfully, Minseok eased his legs back down, letting his head fall back against the chair. His body shook from the sobs that still plagued his system, his nose blocked and his eyes were probably all red and puffy. He caught sight of himself in the reflection of the glass that covered the picture in the frame, he looked like a hollowed out, ghostly version of himself. Ever since Kyungsoo had left him, he couldn’t get over the fact so he withdrew himself, his work lacked his enthusiasm, his life lacked the colourful fun that came in the form of a small boy that seemingly stole his heart and took it with him when he floated out of his life. Minseok looked at the jar, there’s only three hearts left and an oddly folded shape at the bottom of the almost empty jar. He took a deep breath and reached in to pull out the remaining items, placing them outside the jar and on the table for easy access. He picks the pink heart, the paper looking more newer than the other slightly wonky shape.
You came to visit me today, with a bouquet of the prettiest roses. They were white with pink tips. You know I love light colours, don’t you? Ironic that I choose to wear black more often than anything. The first thing you ask for is a kiss. When I give you a peck, you tell me that it was enough, it was my shy smile that you wanted to see the most. I felt my cheeks go red and I slap you with the back of my hand, wiggling for some gossip or any of your food that you bring over to feed me. I remember looking forward to being able to live together, to last long enough to perhaps one day get married. You were 5 years my senior and I was just barely an adult, perhaps my hormones answered for me when you asked me to be your boyfriend but I haven’t regretted any part of it. You were perfect to me hyung, you treated me well and I found myself falling harder for you as the days went by, hard enough to dream about our future together. I love you, my Baozi knight.
Slapping the paper onto the table, Minseok reclined back on the chair, eyes sliding closed to prevent another wave of tears. He took a few deep breaths, trying to regain whatever composure he had left. His hand slid over the edge of the table and his fingers looped into the handle of his draw. With a gentle tug, the draw slid open to reveal neatly organized essential working items, spare paper, pens, notepads and even a container filled with various USB drives. He reached in, towards the back corner before withdrawing, fist clenched tightly around a small box. He opened his palm to reveal the blue velvet box, the fabric slightly dusty from misuse. The hinge creaked stiffly, popping open with a particularly hard yank. Inside was a tiny cushion, covered with a glittering piece of silk, tucked into two small slots. In one of the slots sat a silver ring, with detailed engravings carved into the bright, polished metal; the other slot was empty and Minseok heaved a sigh, his fingertip trailing over the space with a hurt look in his eyes. Holding the box in his hand, he reached for the next heart, slowly unfolding it. The white paper was wrinkled in some spots, the writing smudged at certain points as if there were tears falling from the writer’s eyes as his wrist scribbled the memory onto the page.
It was my final year of high school when you asked to see me. We met in the gardens, I was sitting down when you approached me from behind. You were wearing a suit, all prim and proper and hair done up in that style that I really like. You led me to a clearing where a table for two was set up, candles scattered around the place, casting a romantic glow on the surrounding foliage. You let me settle in my seat, pouring me my first glass of champagne, feeding me the food you had delicately prepared for the night. I was so happy yet I wasn’t sure what this was about, you had just started work so I was worried that this might be affecting your sleep for work the next day. When you brought out the desserts, my favourite, a vanilla panna cotta with fresh berries, you urged me to eat it, that smile on your face as you watched me dig into the sweet treat. I enjoyed it very much, but was thoroughly surprised when my spoon hit something hard inside the panna cotta, was that supposed to happen? Using my spoon, I dug out what looked like a little plastic tag with words on it, made to look like a fine piece of crystal. Clearing away the excess dessert, I made out the words ‘Look at me.’ So I did, but you weren’t in your seat, you were beside me and you turned my chair so that I could face you. Your face was serious, eyes staring into mine. You crouch down and pull out a box from your pocket, I remember my hands covering my mouth to stop my whimpers of happiness. My eyes were already filled with tears when you started to speak. Even until now, I remember the words you spoke to me that night.
“My dearest Kyungsoo, you have been with me through my ups and downs, my good side and my bad. You are the light in my darkness, the breath of fresh air, the angel sent from heaven. I know I may not have been the best boyfriend, nor will I be the perfect husband but I will always try my best to keep you happy. I live to see you smile and I want to share those moments with you for the rest of our lives. Kyungsoo, will you marry me?”
I still cry now when I remember that moment. I’m pretty sure I let out some sort of sound between a squeal and a sob, right? I couldn’t speak, I was shaking because I was so happy, the tears wouldn’t stop and all I could do was nod. I felt you slip the ring onto my finger, my tears obscuring my vision but the cold metal sitting on my finger and the kiss you gave me after that are still burned into my memory. I love you, husband.
The flashbacks come back like the Great Fire of London, each memory igniting another aspect of that night. Minseok let himself fall into the memory, of feeling Kyungsoo’s lips against his own, of the scent of Kyungsoo’s hair conditioner that made him smell like roses and raspberries, the gentle touch of Kyungsoo’s soft hands against his face as he mapped out the youthful plumpness of Minseok’s chipmunk cheeks. He felt his chest constrict, his mind bringing up the image of Kyungsoo in his mind, the gentle flickering of the candles casting a soft light on the boy’s handsome face. His fingers inch towards the last heart, this one a pale blue as he started to shake, he isn’t sure if he was ready to read what was the potentially last message Kyungsoo had written to him. After half an hour of hesitation and his brain arguing with his heart, he sighed in resignation and unfolded the last heart, the edges still sharp and almost giving him a papercut.
Our wedding was small, only our close friends and family were there. Even your parents had gotten around the fact you were marrying me, taking a break from being disappointed in you to indulge us in their company for our special day. I was in a white suit, with a pale pink bow tie, since I was supposed to be a bride but you couldn’t convince me to put on the dress. So we opted for the different coloured ties, you had pale blue and I had pale pink. I was so happy, so excited and so eager to call you my husband. I remember my father and brother had escorted me down the aisle, the tears were in my eyes already, seeing you waiting for me at the altar, your hair done up in that style again, you must really like teasing me don’t you? You were in your white suit, buttoned up and shoulders squared. The sunlight from the window illuminated you, making you look like an angel. I would never forget the way you looked at me when we said our vows, the way you held me when we sealed it with a kiss.
That night, you wanted to show me something. So I agreed for you to drive me to this new apartment complex. I’ve always wanted to go in there, they seemed so big and posh. But you took me up to the 20th floor, handing me a key to apartment 209. When I opened the doors, all of our belongings, even the furniture were set up. “Welcome home” you had said, I remember being so overwhelmed I flung myself into your arms. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t because everything we did together was perfect in my eyes. I love you, my Minseok hyung.
Minseok let the paper fall from his fingers and onto the table, pushing his chair back and standing up on unsteady legs. He made his way over to the front door, looking around the place like Kyungsoo did when he first arrived. Nothing had changed, just the shelves filling up, the decorations becoming a bit more Kyungsoo. Minseok moved over to the DVDs, trailing his fingers over the spines, fingertips brushing over the plastic flowers in the vase, staring at the trinkets in the glass cabinet before running a knuckle along Kyungsoo’s favourite books. In the bedroom, Kyungsoo’s clothes were still in his wardrobe, hanging on one side of the walk-in, just like how they shared it before. Even his little decorations in the bathroom were still there. There was a wrenching feeling in his heart as the man padded back to where the last odd piece of origami sat on his table. He picked it up, straightening it to reveal a paper crane that sat in the palm of his hand.
It was a week after we were married, Kyungsoo living happily with me. We had just fallen into a routine when he collapsed. Luckily, I was home at that time, I don’t know how I would have coped if I had been out or working. I carried him down, the lift was stuck on the bottom levels so I bolted down the stairs. Kyungsoo was barely conscious, his pained whimpers were in my ear the whole time. I buckled him into the passenger seat before I sped out of the carpark. I arrived at the hospital, leaving my car there and carrying him into the emergency ward. I was blubbering, the nurses easing him onto a bed while they tried to get the story from me, my face covered in tears as I shouted at them to save him.
They rolled him into surgery a few minutes later, all I could do was wait. For thirteen hours I was outside those doors, I had lots of coffee, only eating when the nurses brought me plates of warm microwaveable food. For thirteen hours I sat there thinking about all the things I had done wrong, like washing my red boxers with his white socks, or teasing him about his cute smile, or begging the hospital to let him come home. Perhaps if he had stayed, they would have been able to keep the cancer in check. But it was inevitable, it had grown too much, he was a living time bomb.
The extensive surgery couldn’t save him. When they finally allowed me to see him, he was wired up, connected to all these machines that kept him alive. An oxygen mask was attached to his face, his tired eyes flicking over to me and he lifted his arm, laden with needles for all the medicines and saline water to ward off the pain. The doctor whispered to me, he told me he wasn’t even going to make the next sunrise. So despite my state, I stayed, I sat there awake next to his bed and talked, reminisced about us. Just to see those lips quirk into a shadow of the bright smile that he used to give freely. It was around 3 in the afternoon when I felt his hand squeeze mine, I looked down and saw the way the evening light flooded through the window, illuminating his fading red hair, forming a halo around his head. He weakly tugged my fingers so that I could open my palm. There, he drew a wobbly and weak heart, a brighter smile on his lips, eyes crinkled in a smile but I could see the tears sliding down the sides of his face. He took a large shuddering breath, eyes sliding closed and the beeping of the machine next to me flatlined.
I shouted, the nurses and doctors already there to hold me back. It was inevitable, I knew but my heart wasn’t ready to lose him. Even now, after five years, I’m still not healed, still not over my love for him. Kyungsoo was my everything and I am a knight without a Princess.
Minseok looked down at the crane in his hand. Could there be something else? He lifted the folds, unravelling the magnificent origami to reveal the beautiful cursive writing, loops and all, dancing across the paper in golden twirls that glistened in the light.
“Thank you for being my Knight-in-Shining-Armour, for giving me everything, for giving me a chance to live. Now it’s your turn, go and live your life, do the things you weren’t able to do when we were young.”
Title: Jar of Hearts
Recipient: bluedreaming
Rating: PG-13
Length: 7,045 words
Side Pairing(s): N/A
Warning(s): [click to open]angst, character death
Summary: "People think that I must be a very strange person. This is not correct. I have the heart of a small boy. It is in a glass jar on my desk." - Stephen King
Author's Note: Thank you to R for helping me with my plotting! I do hope you like this, recipient-nim! It might not be what you expect but I actually got very emotional writing it (⊙△⊙✿)
The sky was a deep red shade cut through with streaks of orange and yellow where the clouds reflected the colors of the setting sun. The streets were starting to bustle with people, workers going home, kids going out or vendors opening their stalls. Lights flickered on, working outwards like a network of a spider's web. Ignoring it all, a man stood on the 48th floor of a company building, looking out towards the setting sun with a cup of tea in his hand. The harsh light shone into his office like the lights of a football field, bright and unfiltered. The items on his desk casted eerie shadows against the wall and when there was a knock at the door, he almost jumped at the shapes on the wall. A head peeked in, grin wide on a youthful face, ears sticking out cutely underneath the bomb snapback the other usually sported.
"Thank you for your help today! You're the best!"
Chanyeol was a simple man, young and full of energy, he reminded the man of his younger self. The younger had only entered the company about a year ago but he was already one of the favorites, talented and always willing to do his work without fail. The man smiled and nodded his head.
"It was a pleasure working with you Chanyeol, I hope we have more opportunities in the future."
With a bow and a flash of a grin, Chanyeol ducked his head out from the door, the wood sliding into place and the lock clicking shut. With a sigh, the man tilted his head back to gulp down the remaining drink in his hand before leaving it aside for the workers to clean that night. Turning to the desk, the man reached to grab the jacket that hung on the back of a tall leather chair, the black fabric soft and pliant in his hand. He draped it over his shoulder with his right arm, making sure to check himself in his reflection to see if anything was out of place. He still looked the way he did five years ago, there had been no change in his height, no change in his face, only a change in his abdomen where he had finally toned the muscles there. Unfortunately, most of the day it was covered by a crisp white shirt, the silk smooth but still not showing his hard work at the gym. His legs were always covered in black slacks, made from the same material as his jacket. The only time he wasn't in his work suit was at the gym or on weekends, where he would laze about in his boxers or a comfy pair of sweatpants. With a shake of his head, he turned towards the door, polished shoes clicking against the cold grey tiles of the floor. Just as he opened the door, his other hand reached to grab the briefcase that sat next to it, the leather shiny and almost untouched.
Turning left outside his office, he took the time to stroll towards the elevator, the communal workspace to his right was empty, removable walls dividing cubicles for the people working there. Lights shone from computer screens, as he walked past, some flickering like something from a horror movie but only had on some weird screensaver. He was almost at the elevator when he looked into a cubicle to his right. Everything there was still the same, the company had yet to find someone to fill the position. There were photographs pinned to the walls, of New York, of Paris, of Kazakhstan, of China, of Japan, of Sydney. On the desk sat a computer and a neat organizer that held pens, notepads and stickynotes of various colors, all of them with a light coat of dust on them. There was a flash of a smile, plump lips stretched around straight white teeth beneath adorable eyes, the man took a step back and tore his eyes away from the cubicle, walking briskly to the elevator and pressing the button a few times impatiently as if something was chasing him. When the elevator dinged to signal it's arrival, the man stepped in quickly, pressing the B on the list for the basement car park where his car was located for the day. The trip down was silent, save for the typical elevator music that every one of them seem to have. The man tapped his foot gently, briefcase now swung over his shoulder with his jacket so that he had a free hand to check his phone. 1 missed call from his aunt, 3 new messages, 16 new e-mails, 2 social networking notifications.
He pressed the call button for his aunt's number, heaving another sigh as the call connected. Ever since his parents had kicked him out when he was in college, his aunt had taken it as her responsibility to check up on him so that he didn't feel too depressed about the abandonment. Though, now that he was almost 30, he would prefer it if she toned down on the motherly instincts. There was a scuffle and a yell before there was a woman's voice telling off someone, probably his nephew who liked snatching phones.
"JONGIN I TOLD YOU TO STOP TAKING MY PHONE! Aish... Sweetie, how are you? Did you have lunch? Did you just finish work? Staying back again today?"
"Yes auntie. I had lunch, the salad recipe you sent me last week. I finished about an hour ago but I needed to stay back to check on the other workers."
"Okay, alright. But don't do it too often alright? What are you having for dinner? Are you going straight home? Don't loiter, I saw the news about someone else being kidnapped the other day."
"Auntie... I'm fine, I'll be fine. I'm almost 30, and a man. I'm sure they won't need to kidnap me anyway."
He let out a tired sigh as she takes a deep breath to ask another round of questions. Cutting her off, he quickly told her that he was at his car and he needed both hands to drive. She was reluctant to say goodbye but gave into his reasoning, she didn't want her sweetie nephew to drive unsafely. The man stowed his phone back into his pocket and fished out his keys, pressing the button for the black Mercedes that was the last car in the lot. The blinkers flashed, signalling the doors being unlocked, before he reached to pop open the door on the driver's side. Jacket and briefcase are flung behind him onto the back seat as he settles into the leather seat. Polished shoes position themselves onto the brake and accelerator pedals while his left arm pulls his door shut, the sound echoing in the car park. Front lights flicked on and seat belt buckled into place, the man smoothly pulls out of his spot, rolling quietly to the gates where the guard station sat between the entry and exit roads. The guard on duty that night was a nice boy, thin but exceptionally strong, and a Chinese native who had moved there for his studies, working at night to pay off his rent and school fees.
Zitao waved at him as he drove past, hand holding a coffee he was sipping and the other pressing a button to raise the gate. With a nod, the man was off, steering himself onto the streets and into the city. Lights flashed past as he drove home, the radio just a soft buzzing in the back of his mind while he relaxed back in his seat.
My name is Kim Minseok. I am turning 28 this year and work as a stocks consultant for one of the major companies in this city. Everyday my life is the same, I wake up, I eat, I work, I go home, I sleep, then repeat. On weekends, I spend most of my time on weekends at home, either sleeping or catching up on small things I have missed at work. I live alone, well not exactly. I live with a little puppy called Eevee, she's a cute little Pomeranian that I had gotten about two years ago. Apart from that, I don't really have a family, my parents had disowned me when I started college, my sexuality bringing them shame. My Auntie had taken me in at that point, looking after me and helping me through college to get my degree. I owe her alot, she was there when I lost the most important person in my life, she eased me through it and kept checking on me to make sure I didn't fall into depression.
When I was a child, my parents were caring, they loved me, doted on me until I entered schooling age. From there they stopped, they made me focus on my studies, no more soccer with my then best friend, the boy next door. No more Pokemon before school, no more action figures, no more childhood. In school I excelled, but at the cost of my young self being put through everything just for my parents' satisfaction. Music lessons in piano and violin, taekwondo, art lessons; eventually my toys were exchanged for education equipment, for things they thought would boost my intelligence. I became smarter than my classmates, always top of class but deep inside I had nothing more than a boy's heart, wanting to be able to run on the streets playing with the other kids while I sat in my room, my father barking out strings of theory that I had to jot down in my distorted writing.
It was hard on me, I withdrew and had no friends, no one wanted to be with the kid with the strict parents. No one wanted to hang around with someone they barely saw outside of school. I was alone, until he entered my life.
Pulling into a driveway, he reached out the window to swipe a card on the scanner on the side. The machine beeped, sparking a green light before the roller doors shuddered open, letting him drive inside. Turning into his designated spot, he parked his car smoothly, the only sound was the creak of the hand brake before he turned off the engine. The door opened and shut with a click, jacket thrown over his arm as the hand held the briefcase, walking towards the elevator that would take him up to the floor where his apartment was located.
Once again the ride up was slow and quiet, the music making him drowsy. Minseok barely remembered opening his door and shuffling inside, barely remembering eating a bowl of black bean noodle and starting in surprise when he felt the first droplets of water hit his hair under the shower head. It was just one of those days where he felt exhausted, completely drained of energy and all he wanted to do was sleep for a week. But in the back of his mind, a nagging voice reminded him of the report due tomorrow and the meeting with the CEO was the day after. Minseok sighed, running a hand through his now damp hair and stared at the wall. What was he even doing? He wasn't passionate about his job, he was just there because it was the one that paid well. It seemed so long ago that he was so happy, so glad to be alive and kicking the ass of that one suck-up at work. But now, everything seemed dreary and he felt like he was falling into a sinkhole, never able to see the light again.
After cleaning himself, Minseok stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel, drying his skin and wrapping it around his waist as he grabbed a smaller one to dry his hair. He looked at himself in the mirror, slanted eyes gazing over his thin face. Minseok once had round cheeks and bright glittering eyes, his crooked teeth making his smile more adorable as people would compliment him on looking youthful and happy like a chipmunk in a stash of peanuts. But now, his eyes were dull, almost lifeless and his cheeks had hollowed out immensely, the plumpness gone and leaving a thin face that was void of any youth.
Minseok shook his head, letting the towel sit on his head as he shuffled the bedroom. Picking out a pair of sweatpants and a plain shirt, he dressed himself and threw the towels into the laundry hamper. His legs took him to the workroom, his body slumping down in the leather chair and he spins to look around the room.
His desk was made from a dark mahogany, carved details around the edges and on the legs, polished to the point he could still see his reflection in the less worn out areas. It was just one piece in the vast collection he had in the room, the same dark wood stood tall along the wall to his right, stacked high with novels, folders and reference books. On his left stood display cases, glass framed by the same wood as the rest of the furniture. There were trinkets from travels there, awards and collectibles that didn’t belong on the dusty shelf in the living room. In the middle of it all, sitting on a cute little rug that did not match the academic feel of the rest of the room; it was pastel pink, blue, purple and white, gentle colors that were more suited for a girl’s bedroom or the lounge, but there it sat, blindingly bright against the wooden chairs, the cushion on them soft and covered in velvet, placed there for those lazy reading days. Minseok shook his head and stopped spinning, rolling forward to be situated at the desk.
Everything on his desk were in their places, pens and sticky-note pads sitting in a desk organizer on the corner of the table. Large computer screen on the left corner, keyboard and mouse under the table. His laptop was closed on the side, the only indication of its continual use was the flickering of the little green light. Minseok’s eyes drifted to the picture frame settled next to his organizer, a jar of what looked like folded paper sitting beside it. In the frame, it was what people call a ‘selfie’, the camera angle was taken from above, the two people in it smiling cutely. It was Minseok back in the day, his hair dyed a light pink, styled into natural spikes and his eyes lined with kohl. His face was still round then, his soft chipmunk-like cheeks making him look much younger than his age, emphasized when pressed up against another soft cheek, the cheek of the boy that took the photo. His red hair glistened in the sun, styled up in elegant peaks and curls that fell over his forehead. Wide, innocent eyes stared up at the camera and lips pulled into a grin that radiated happiness. The photo itself was preserved well behind the glass but Minseok knew that it was the past and their time had come to a close, that he should move on but he found himself unable to.
Thin fingers reached for the jar, the glass heavy with the folded paper that filled it. It was a special jar, the glass itself laden with golden specks of glitter that sparkled in the light. The paper inside were of various times, the color of each one varying in shades, the fading remnants of pigments showing just how long they had been in there. There was a little note, yellowing and attached to a fraying piece of string around the neck of the jar. ‘Open one when you miss me.’ The handwriting was a bit smudged, almost as if the hand writing it was shaking, though eligible with the elegant loops that swirled across the page. Minseok chewed on his bottom lip, eyebrows furrowing at the thought before his fingers wrapped around the cork at the top, making it almost a bottle rather than a jar. It popped from the opening with a little effort, Minseok placing it to the side before two fingers reached in to pick out the top piece of paper, the color most faded.
Leaning back in his chair, he turned over the tiny folded piece of paper, running his fingertips over the straight edges and over the extra design in the middle. With a gentle pull, he pulled open a corner of the paper heart, opening it to a square of paper that had the same cursive writing as that on the note. His breath hitched as he started to read the message, eyes wide, flicking over the lines before a smile appeared on his thin lips.
Do you remember how we met, hyung? You were the hyung next door, you were in high school and I was still waddling around, barely able to read. My family moved into the house next door and I remember spending a lot of time by the window to watch you go to school. You were so cool with your uniform and your textbooks, I thought you were the most amazing hyung ever and I aspired to be as smart and cool as you too.
Minseok shook his head, he can’t believe the boy actually remembered that far. He had grown up in a sheltered environment, the most he ever got to do was play soccer with his old neighbour, a Chinese boy named Lu Han, before he hit school age. When Minseok started kindergarten, his parents started to hone his academics, forcing him to take extra lessons and become the top of his class. He essentially missed out on his childhood, even held back from saying goodbye to the only friend he had until then, Lu Han’s parents decided to move back to China, to manage the company they owned and to provide a wider education for their son. Minseok had cried in his room, under his bedsheets at night because if he had uttered anything other than his notes during the day, he would have gotten severe punishment for it. Two days later, a truck pulled in front of Lu Han’s old house, deliverymen starting to unload heavy furniture and carrying them inside the house. Minseok had accompanied his parents to say hello to their new neighbours, the couple next door all smiles and hugs as they greeted. They had two sons, the oldest son, Joonmyeon was the same age as Minseok, with a bright smile and handsome face, even at the age of 9. Behind him stood the younger brother, a little toddler, who clung to his brother’s leg, hiding behind it shyly as he peeked at Minseok. His arm was wrapped around a Thor figurine, the tiny child’s fingers gripping onto the plastic tightly. He remembered thinking that the boy was quite peculiar.
After finishing the note, Minseok sighed, a pained smile on his lips. His hand shook slightly, the paper falling onto the table like feathers in the wind, drifting back and forth gently. He takes a minute to think, does he want to open another heart or would he want to save those memories for another day? His fingers twitch and before he could even regret the action, the paper was already unfolded, fingertips smoothing out the creases. The handwriting looped elegantly across the paper, the ink dark against the faded purple of the flimsy paper.
Our first time actually talking to each other was when your parents went overseas for a week, you finally got to get out of the house. You were meeting with Joonmyeon hyung and your friends, I had to come along because hyung wouldn’t allow me to stay at home alone. He’s such a mom sometimes. Anyway, everyone decided that they wanted to watch that adult comedy Let’s Be Cops except for me, that sort of movie wasn’t my sort of thing. Joonmyeon hyung really wanted to enjoy spending time with everyone so he gave me that hurt look, as if it could affect me anymore. I said I wanted to watch Big Hero 6 or The Hobbit, to my surprise, you spoke up and said you wanted to watch those too instead of the movie the other’s wanted to see. So after talking to my hyung, you and I bought tickets to see Big Hero 6 instead, you even paid for my Baymax drink cup that still sits on the shelf at home. I cherish that cup, it brings back this memory of our first official meeting.
Eyes drifted to the Baymax cup that sits in the glass cabinet, the cute face of the balloon robot seemed to be smiling. Minseok had never known why the boy had wanted to keep the cup but he didn’t want to argue when the other turned to give him such wide puppy eyes. He remembers when they went to watch that movie, laughing at the Bah-la-la-la-la~ and cooed at the squishy Baymax. They exited the theatre laughing but with tears in the corner of their eyes at the sad scene at the end. Since their movie had started before Let’s Be Cops, they had to sit back and wait for the rest of the group to come out. Minseok had started the conversation, to get rid of the awkward tension between them and before they knew it, they were talking about everything and anything. Their views were similar, their sense of humour was the same and even their taste in music was not much different.
Getting up without a sound, Minseok padded out to the lounge where he bee-lined straight for the minibar. He looked over to the shelves next to the TV, DVDs and Blu-Rays lined them, top to bottom and two layers deep. Every single one of them had gotten the approval from the two of them, most of them were purchased together anyway. Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Indiana Jones, Star Wars, all the collections were there, the Disney one just missing The Lion King 2 in limited edition to be complete. He placed the bottle down, looking down at his glass before taking a big gulp, eye scrunching up as a side effect of swallowing too much alcohol in one go. Minseok sighed, it was going to be a long night.
***
Pieces of unfolded paper were scattered over the auburn wood of the table, a figure slumped in his chair with a whole bottle of tequila, taking swigs of it at random intervals, the other hand clutching onto a similar piece of paper that had the same cursive handwriting as the ones that laid scattered around him like the broken pieces of his heart. Minseok groaned as he finished the bottle in his hand, letting it roll out of his hands and onto the floor where it joined the other empty bottles that preceded it. He had lost count of how many hearts he had opened, each one pulling back more and more memories, more layers of his heart, making him more and more emotional.
Without even thinking about the regret in the morning, his fingers plucked another heart from the jar, the folded pieces inside the sparkling glass were dwindling, barely sitting at the half line. Shaking his head to clear his mind for a bit, Minseok struggled to unfold the paper, the paper more crisp and digging into the skin of his fingers.
You messaged me on Wednesday the 3rd of June, after my last class for the day, it was Mathematics and I remember thinking that the message was a warm blanket on a cold day. But your message was not what I expected. “We need to talk.” Even though we were nothing more than really good friends, your studies came first in your family so I was scared, so scared that perhaps your parents thought I was too clingy, too distracting for your studies. Perhaps they banned you from seeing me, and that day was going to be the last time I would be able to talk to you ever again.
You came to meet me at the school gates at 2:31pm, apologizing and giving me that smile that I adored. Your parents were away again you tell me, that meant that you could hang out with me more. I asked you as we walked to the ice cream parlour, what did you want to talk to me about. You urged me into a booth, ordering a couple sundae for us to share. My heart was pounding, I could hear the rush of the blood in my ears. Are you doing this as a goodbye? The way you looked at me had my mouth go dry, my palms got clammy and I tried to hide behind the menu. When the sundae arrived, you took a scoop of the ice cream, holding out the spoonful of the icy cold treat to me. I couldn’t take it anymore, what were you trying to do hyung?
You probably saw my pained expression, your smile faltering before you reach to take my hand in yours. You were a college student now, and I was just a teenage boy, still going through puberty. When you played with my fingers, mumbling the question softly, I barely heard you but my heart felt like it was going to explode, for so long had I admired you, for so long I had wondered what it would be like to be able to call you mine-
Minseok paused, he slid a hand over his face, sliding up his forehead and through his hair. Tears were prickling at the corner of his eyes, his hand shaking and making the paper wobble uncontrollably.
I asked you to repeat it and you seemed to be more confident, perhaps after hearing my shaking voice. “Kyungsoo, would you do me the honour of becoming my boyfriend?” I didn’t think at all during that, it felt like time just stopped and I wish it did, so I could have spent more time with you. Not trusting myself, I remember I nodded, watching as your face broke out into a relieved smile. We became official, yet unofficial at that time, always having to hide but the thrill of it all, all the little things you did for me just made me love you even more.
Almost throwing the paper away from him, Minseok pushes himself back a meter or so, the wheels of the computer chair rolling gently against the wooden floorboards. The tears were starting to fall, his eyes wide and glistening as he buried his head in his hands. His chest throbbed with a dull ache, his nose sniffling gently. It took him about ten minutes to reorientate himself, turning back to the table and rolling back to the painful memories engraved on paper hearts. He was about to reach for another heart when he found that there was a layer of paper stars, all puffed and folded neatly. Minseok took the handful and placed them on the table, staring at them as he unravelled the first one, not sure if there was a message inside but he hoped there was.
You promise to take me to New York when I finish college.
I’ll help you find Lu Han hyung so you two can play soccer together again.
Let’s go diving at the Great Barrier Reef!
“I live to see you smile. I’ll be your knight in shining armour as long as I get to wake up to your smile first thing in the morning.” Glob, you’re so cheesy it makes me cringe sometimes.
Minseok’s in tears again, choking up on how stupid he sounded as well as how much that one line meant to him. Clutching the strip of paper close to his chest, the man curled up on the chair, burying his face against his knees as he let out pained sobs.
“How do I live now that I can’t see your smile anymore?”
Feeling his chest contract painfully, Minseok eased his legs back down, letting his head fall back against the chair. His body shook from the sobs that still plagued his system, his nose blocked and his eyes were probably all red and puffy. He caught sight of himself in the reflection of the glass that covered the picture in the frame, he looked like a hollowed out, ghostly version of himself. Ever since Kyungsoo had left him, he couldn’t get over the fact so he withdrew himself, his work lacked his enthusiasm, his life lacked the colourful fun that came in the form of a small boy that seemingly stole his heart and took it with him when he floated out of his life. Minseok looked at the jar, there’s only three hearts left and an oddly folded shape at the bottom of the almost empty jar. He took a deep breath and reached in to pull out the remaining items, placing them outside the jar and on the table for easy access. He picks the pink heart, the paper looking more newer than the other slightly wonky shape.
You came to visit me today, with a bouquet of the prettiest roses. They were white with pink tips. You know I love light colours, don’t you? Ironic that I choose to wear black more often than anything. The first thing you ask for is a kiss. When I give you a peck, you tell me that it was enough, it was my shy smile that you wanted to see the most. I felt my cheeks go red and I slap you with the back of my hand, wiggling for some gossip or any of your food that you bring over to feed me. I remember looking forward to being able to live together, to last long enough to perhaps one day get married. You were 5 years my senior and I was just barely an adult, perhaps my hormones answered for me when you asked me to be your boyfriend but I haven’t regretted any part of it. You were perfect to me hyung, you treated me well and I found myself falling harder for you as the days went by, hard enough to dream about our future together. I love you, my Baozi knight.
Slapping the paper onto the table, Minseok reclined back on the chair, eyes sliding closed to prevent another wave of tears. He took a few deep breaths, trying to regain whatever composure he had left. His hand slid over the edge of the table and his fingers looped into the handle of his draw. With a gentle tug, the draw slid open to reveal neatly organized essential working items, spare paper, pens, notepads and even a container filled with various USB drives. He reached in, towards the back corner before withdrawing, fist clenched tightly around a small box. He opened his palm to reveal the blue velvet box, the fabric slightly dusty from misuse. The hinge creaked stiffly, popping open with a particularly hard yank. Inside was a tiny cushion, covered with a glittering piece of silk, tucked into two small slots. In one of the slots sat a silver ring, with detailed engravings carved into the bright, polished metal; the other slot was empty and Minseok heaved a sigh, his fingertip trailing over the space with a hurt look in his eyes. Holding the box in his hand, he reached for the next heart, slowly unfolding it. The white paper was wrinkled in some spots, the writing smudged at certain points as if there were tears falling from the writer’s eyes as his wrist scribbled the memory onto the page.
It was my final year of high school when you asked to see me. We met in the gardens, I was sitting down when you approached me from behind. You were wearing a suit, all prim and proper and hair done up in that style that I really like. You led me to a clearing where a table for two was set up, candles scattered around the place, casting a romantic glow on the surrounding foliage. You let me settle in my seat, pouring me my first glass of champagne, feeding me the food you had delicately prepared for the night. I was so happy yet I wasn’t sure what this was about, you had just started work so I was worried that this might be affecting your sleep for work the next day. When you brought out the desserts, my favourite, a vanilla panna cotta with fresh berries, you urged me to eat it, that smile on your face as you watched me dig into the sweet treat. I enjoyed it very much, but was thoroughly surprised when my spoon hit something hard inside the panna cotta, was that supposed to happen? Using my spoon, I dug out what looked like a little plastic tag with words on it, made to look like a fine piece of crystal. Clearing away the excess dessert, I made out the words ‘Look at me.’ So I did, but you weren’t in your seat, you were beside me and you turned my chair so that I could face you. Your face was serious, eyes staring into mine. You crouch down and pull out a box from your pocket, I remember my hands covering my mouth to stop my whimpers of happiness. My eyes were already filled with tears when you started to speak. Even until now, I remember the words you spoke to me that night.
“My dearest Kyungsoo, you have been with me through my ups and downs, my good side and my bad. You are the light in my darkness, the breath of fresh air, the angel sent from heaven. I know I may not have been the best boyfriend, nor will I be the perfect husband but I will always try my best to keep you happy. I live to see you smile and I want to share those moments with you for the rest of our lives. Kyungsoo, will you marry me?”
I still cry now when I remember that moment. I’m pretty sure I let out some sort of sound between a squeal and a sob, right? I couldn’t speak, I was shaking because I was so happy, the tears wouldn’t stop and all I could do was nod. I felt you slip the ring onto my finger, my tears obscuring my vision but the cold metal sitting on my finger and the kiss you gave me after that are still burned into my memory. I love you, husband.
The flashbacks come back like the Great Fire of London, each memory igniting another aspect of that night. Minseok let himself fall into the memory, of feeling Kyungsoo’s lips against his own, of the scent of Kyungsoo’s hair conditioner that made him smell like roses and raspberries, the gentle touch of Kyungsoo’s soft hands against his face as he mapped out the youthful plumpness of Minseok’s chipmunk cheeks. He felt his chest constrict, his mind bringing up the image of Kyungsoo in his mind, the gentle flickering of the candles casting a soft light on the boy’s handsome face. His fingers inch towards the last heart, this one a pale blue as he started to shake, he isn’t sure if he was ready to read what was the potentially last message Kyungsoo had written to him. After half an hour of hesitation and his brain arguing with his heart, he sighed in resignation and unfolded the last heart, the edges still sharp and almost giving him a papercut.
Our wedding was small, only our close friends and family were there. Even your parents had gotten around the fact you were marrying me, taking a break from being disappointed in you to indulge us in their company for our special day. I was in a white suit, with a pale pink bow tie, since I was supposed to be a bride but you couldn’t convince me to put on the dress. So we opted for the different coloured ties, you had pale blue and I had pale pink. I was so happy, so excited and so eager to call you my husband. I remember my father and brother had escorted me down the aisle, the tears were in my eyes already, seeing you waiting for me at the altar, your hair done up in that style again, you must really like teasing me don’t you? You were in your white suit, buttoned up and shoulders squared. The sunlight from the window illuminated you, making you look like an angel. I would never forget the way you looked at me when we said our vows, the way you held me when we sealed it with a kiss.
That night, you wanted to show me something. So I agreed for you to drive me to this new apartment complex. I’ve always wanted to go in there, they seemed so big and posh. But you took me up to the 20th floor, handing me a key to apartment 209. When I opened the doors, all of our belongings, even the furniture were set up. “Welcome home” you had said, I remember being so overwhelmed I flung myself into your arms. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I could go back and change something, I wouldn’t because everything we did together was perfect in my eyes. I love you, my Minseok hyung.
Minseok let the paper fall from his fingers and onto the table, pushing his chair back and standing up on unsteady legs. He made his way over to the front door, looking around the place like Kyungsoo did when he first arrived. Nothing had changed, just the shelves filling up, the decorations becoming a bit more Kyungsoo. Minseok moved over to the DVDs, trailing his fingers over the spines, fingertips brushing over the plastic flowers in the vase, staring at the trinkets in the glass cabinet before running a knuckle along Kyungsoo’s favourite books. In the bedroom, Kyungsoo’s clothes were still in his wardrobe, hanging on one side of the walk-in, just like how they shared it before. Even his little decorations in the bathroom were still there. There was a wrenching feeling in his heart as the man padded back to where the last odd piece of origami sat on his table. He picked it up, straightening it to reveal a paper crane that sat in the palm of his hand.
It was a week after we were married, Kyungsoo living happily with me. We had just fallen into a routine when he collapsed. Luckily, I was home at that time, I don’t know how I would have coped if I had been out or working. I carried him down, the lift was stuck on the bottom levels so I bolted down the stairs. Kyungsoo was barely conscious, his pained whimpers were in my ear the whole time. I buckled him into the passenger seat before I sped out of the carpark. I arrived at the hospital, leaving my car there and carrying him into the emergency ward. I was blubbering, the nurses easing him onto a bed while they tried to get the story from me, my face covered in tears as I shouted at them to save him.
They rolled him into surgery a few minutes later, all I could do was wait. For thirteen hours I was outside those doors, I had lots of coffee, only eating when the nurses brought me plates of warm microwaveable food. For thirteen hours I sat there thinking about all the things I had done wrong, like washing my red boxers with his white socks, or teasing him about his cute smile, or begging the hospital to let him come home. Perhaps if he had stayed, they would have been able to keep the cancer in check. But it was inevitable, it had grown too much, he was a living time bomb.
The extensive surgery couldn’t save him. When they finally allowed me to see him, he was wired up, connected to all these machines that kept him alive. An oxygen mask was attached to his face, his tired eyes flicking over to me and he lifted his arm, laden with needles for all the medicines and saline water to ward off the pain. The doctor whispered to me, he told me he wasn’t even going to make the next sunrise. So despite my state, I stayed, I sat there awake next to his bed and talked, reminisced about us. Just to see those lips quirk into a shadow of the bright smile that he used to give freely. It was around 3 in the afternoon when I felt his hand squeeze mine, I looked down and saw the way the evening light flooded through the window, illuminating his fading red hair, forming a halo around his head. He weakly tugged my fingers so that I could open my palm. There, he drew a wobbly and weak heart, a brighter smile on his lips, eyes crinkled in a smile but I could see the tears sliding down the sides of his face. He took a large shuddering breath, eyes sliding closed and the beeping of the machine next to me flatlined.
I shouted, the nurses and doctors already there to hold me back. It was inevitable, I knew but my heart wasn’t ready to lose him. Even now, after five years, I’m still not healed, still not over my love for him. Kyungsoo was my everything and I am a knight without a Princess.
Minseok looked down at the crane in his hand. Could there be something else? He lifted the folds, unravelling the magnificent origami to reveal the beautiful cursive writing, loops and all, dancing across the paper in golden twirls that glistened in the light.
“Thank you for being my Knight-in-Shining-Armour, for giving me everything, for giving me a chance to live. Now it’s your turn, go and live your life, do the things you weren’t able to do when we were young.”