(no subject)
i have been so not myself lately. i feel dizzy now all of the time. and weak and trembly most times too. and although the dizziness is frightening sometimes, i think it is beautiful too. i feel like i am in a constant state of euphoria, light and soft and always tiptoeing above the heads of others.
i didnt drink at all this weekend. mainly because sometimes the thought of swallowing anything unnecessary terrifies me. but also because drinking involves being around other people. and lately i am just not into other people. people keep asking me to come to parties and events. both devin and josh literally tried to grab me and drag me with them, but i fought them off and ran away, locking myself in my room so that i could be alone. everyone finds this very strange. i am leah. i am the party girl. i am supposed to be the most drunk, with the party sense between her two eyes. but i dont want to be around anyone but myself. and its not even that i hate other people. i just dont care at all about anyone but myself. i have this strange desire to be with just leah, so that i can talk to leah and look at leah and dance with leah and think about leah. in fact have become so obsessed with myself that all i want to think about is what i want to make myself into-- what clothes i want to buy, how i want to get my haircut, how tan or thin or flawless i want to be. seems like my mind should be full of thoughts about relationships with others. i should be thinking about my friends or what people piss me off or what guy i like, but lately i dont really like or dislike anyone at all. i want to be in my own world. i want to go running, spin cirles, anything to make this feeling of dizziness increase. all i had to drink this weekend was water and skim milk. then how come i feel so drunk?
i like to be at the gym. that is something i never thought i would hear myself say. but at the gym we are all thinking about ourselves, we are all stuck in our own worlds. i like to go on the eliptical because it lies to me and tells me what i want to hear. the machine tells me i have burned 600 calories, but i havent even broken a sweat. instead i am just into a rythm so steady that i cant even feel my body moving anymore. i plug my headphones into vh1 and i dissapear. it is best when they show hours of beautiful people, like maxims hottest 100. the women inspire me to stay longer, because they are so beautiful. and i realize that i want to be beautiful too. and its not even like i care what other people think. i dont care if the random people i meet think im beautiful. i want to be alone in my room with only me, where the rest of the world doesnt exist. i want to dance alone, smile alone, laugh alone, and then be able to look into the mirror and honestly think im beautiful.
i didnt drink at all this weekend. mainly because sometimes the thought of swallowing anything unnecessary terrifies me. but also because drinking involves being around other people. and lately i am just not into other people. people keep asking me to come to parties and events. both devin and josh literally tried to grab me and drag me with them, but i fought them off and ran away, locking myself in my room so that i could be alone. everyone finds this very strange. i am leah. i am the party girl. i am supposed to be the most drunk, with the party sense between her two eyes. but i dont want to be around anyone but myself. and its not even that i hate other people. i just dont care at all about anyone but myself. i have this strange desire to be with just leah, so that i can talk to leah and look at leah and dance with leah and think about leah. in fact have become so obsessed with myself that all i want to think about is what i want to make myself into-- what clothes i want to buy, how i want to get my haircut, how tan or thin or flawless i want to be. seems like my mind should be full of thoughts about relationships with others. i should be thinking about my friends or what people piss me off or what guy i like, but lately i dont really like or dislike anyone at all. i want to be in my own world. i want to go running, spin cirles, anything to make this feeling of dizziness increase. all i had to drink this weekend was water and skim milk. then how come i feel so drunk?
i like to be at the gym. that is something i never thought i would hear myself say. but at the gym we are all thinking about ourselves, we are all stuck in our own worlds. i like to go on the eliptical because it lies to me and tells me what i want to hear. the machine tells me i have burned 600 calories, but i havent even broken a sweat. instead i am just into a rythm so steady that i cant even feel my body moving anymore. i plug my headphones into vh1 and i dissapear. it is best when they show hours of beautiful people, like maxims hottest 100. the women inspire me to stay longer, because they are so beautiful. and i realize that i want to be beautiful too. and its not even like i care what other people think. i dont care if the random people i meet think im beautiful. i want to be alone in my room with only me, where the rest of the world doesnt exist. i want to dance alone, smile alone, laugh alone, and then be able to look into the mirror and honestly think im beautiful.