(no subject)
I'm so t3mpt3d right now to conpl3t3ly chang3 my plans, not go to th3 god damn w3dding and go straight to Boston. Th3 main r3ason for this is that today I can't stop thinking about all th3 r3asons why I d3spis3 both my imm3diat3 and 3xt3nd3d family. Mainly it's b3caus3 of th3 way th3y'r3 so judg3m3ntal. Wh3n p3opl3 ask how I'm doing/what I'v3 don3 r3c3ntly, I want to b3 HON3ST. If I f33l lik3 shit, I don't want to say I'm "fin3" unl3ss it's a compl3t3 strang3r at th3 cash r3gist3r of a stor3 asking m3 that. If I'v3 just flown in from Scotland, I don't want to say I hav3n't don3 anything. On top of that, I 3xp3ct oth3rs to do th3 sam3-- no bullshit about how lif3 is p3rf3ct, b3caus3 3v3ryon3 who's mor3 than a f3w y3ars old should know damn w3ll it isn't. Unl3ss th3y'r3 on som3 kind of magical happy dust drugs, in which cas3 that p3rf3ctn3ss is an illusion anyways. Wh3n r3lativ3s ask how I sp3nt my summ3r, I don't WANT to say "nothing" just b3caus3 I don't hav3 a st3ady job and an Am3rican boyfri3nd. Fuck having a local boyfri3nd, Scottish acc3nts ar3 s3xy! B3sid3s, 3v3ryon3 knows I'v3 had a thing for for3ign guys sinc3 high school. Or th3y SHOULD know by now. No on3 in th3 family knows a damn thing about m3!
So that's what piss3s m3 off about family parti3s and small talk: th3 lack of hon3sty. 3v3ryon3 knows that p3opl3 ar3 just bragging about th3ms3lv3s to mak3 3v3ryon3 3ls3 j3alous, that's som3 r3al 3motional intimacy right th3r3. If it w3r3 a party put on by p3opl3 I wasn't r3lat3d to, I wouldn't put up with that kind of shitty dynamic, so why put up with that from r3lativ3s? It's phony, stupid, and do3s nothing for anyon3's social or 3motional w3ll-b3ing, nor is it fun 3nough to b3 worth th3 3ffort.
Also, r3ally fucking tir3d of my mom complaining that I'm not ind3p3nd3nt 3nough and th3n babying m3. Mayb3 if I'd had som3 fucking room to grow as a t33nag3r I wouldn't b3 acting lik3 a t33nag3r now! For that matt3r, mayb3 if I had mor3 fucking spac3 now. It's lik3 th3 opposit3 of th3 r3st of th3 family: with 3v3ryon3 3ls3 th3r3's no intimacy, but sh3 tri3s to g3t so clos3 I can't fucking br3ath3!
As a sid3 not3, I'm sur3 that 3v3ryon3 who's had a normal lif3 so far do3sn't mind small talk. W3ll th3n why not l3av3 th3 small talk to th3 p3opl3 with normal liv3s? That way, 3v3ryon3's happy: thos3 who ar3 normal, lacking in 3motional ups and downs and not doing anything shocking can continu3 to ignor3 th3 probl3ms of th3 world and p3opl3 with 3motional, fuck3d up liv3s don't n33d to li3. It's a win-win situation.
S33, wh3n I go to parti3s that fri3nds put on, this isn't an issu3. Th3n it's just a matt3r of finding an outfit and going. No str3ss, no bullshit, no gossip.
Of cours3 if I don't go, 3v3ryon3 will wond3r why th3 fuck I'm not th3r3. Mayb3 b3caus3 I'd rath3r just hang out with th3 fri3nds I still hav3n't had a chanc3 to s33 this summ3r?
I was suppos3d to hang out with Molly, Kim and Toby and still hav3n't don3 it >_< I should r3ally mak3 tim3 for th3m b3for3 th3 trip. Mayb3 that will tak3 my mind off of all th3 asshol3s I don't want to d3al with. I don't car3 how 3xp3nsiv3 th3 dinn3r is at that w3dding, a dinn3r is only as 3njoyabl3 as th3 p3opl3 it's shar3d with.
M3h. I'll just g3t drunk th3r3. Th3n if I say anything too hon3st, I can blam3 th3 alcohol. Might mak3 things wors3 if I'm alr3ady piss3d off wh3n I start drinking though... Just thinking about this w3dding mak3s m3 want to drink, and mayb3 hav3 a cigar3tt3 too...
So that's what piss3s m3 off about family parti3s and small talk: th3 lack of hon3sty. 3v3ryon3 knows that p3opl3 ar3 just bragging about th3ms3lv3s to mak3 3v3ryon3 3ls3 j3alous, that's som3 r3al 3motional intimacy right th3r3. If it w3r3 a party put on by p3opl3 I wasn't r3lat3d to, I wouldn't put up with that kind of shitty dynamic, so why put up with that from r3lativ3s? It's phony, stupid, and do3s nothing for anyon3's social or 3motional w3ll-b3ing, nor is it fun 3nough to b3 worth th3 3ffort.
Also, r3ally fucking tir3d of my mom complaining that I'm not ind3p3nd3nt 3nough and th3n babying m3. Mayb3 if I'd had som3 fucking room to grow as a t33nag3r I wouldn't b3 acting lik3 a t33nag3r now! For that matt3r, mayb3 if I had mor3 fucking spac3 now. It's lik3 th3 opposit3 of th3 r3st of th3 family: with 3v3ryon3 3ls3 th3r3's no intimacy, but sh3 tri3s to g3t so clos3 I can't fucking br3ath3!
As a sid3 not3, I'm sur3 that 3v3ryon3 who's had a normal lif3 so far do3sn't mind small talk. W3ll th3n why not l3av3 th3 small talk to th3 p3opl3 with normal liv3s? That way, 3v3ryon3's happy: thos3 who ar3 normal, lacking in 3motional ups and downs and not doing anything shocking can continu3 to ignor3 th3 probl3ms of th3 world and p3opl3 with 3motional, fuck3d up liv3s don't n33d to li3. It's a win-win situation.
S33, wh3n I go to parti3s that fri3nds put on, this isn't an issu3. Th3n it's just a matt3r of finding an outfit and going. No str3ss, no bullshit, no gossip.
Of cours3 if I don't go, 3v3ryon3 will wond3r why th3 fuck I'm not th3r3. Mayb3 b3caus3 I'd rath3r just hang out with th3 fri3nds I still hav3n't had a chanc3 to s33 this summ3r?
I was suppos3d to hang out with Molly, Kim and Toby and still hav3n't don3 it >_< I should r3ally mak3 tim3 for th3m b3for3 th3 trip. Mayb3 that will tak3 my mind off of all th3 asshol3s I don't want to d3al with. I don't car3 how 3xp3nsiv3 th3 dinn3r is at that w3dding, a dinn3r is only as 3njoyabl3 as th3 p3opl3 it's shar3d with.
M3h. I'll just g3t drunk th3r3. Th3n if I say anything too hon3st, I can blam3 th3 alcohol. Might mak3 things wors3 if I'm alr3ady piss3d off wh3n I start drinking though... Just thinking about this w3dding mak3s m3 want to drink, and mayb3 hav3 a cigar3tt3 too...