in life entangled, in death subine
bargle gargle wargle. this is one of those days i really really hate wright state. i'm glad i didn't go today. i don't want to go any days. i just want to sit in the sunshine and read and draw and create SOMETHING. i have done very little of that lately. or to correct that, i have done very little outside computer-based creating, which is fine for what it is, but you can hang it on your walls. tara has inspired me to start painting again. i think back to my room in high school with all the ridiculous crap all over the place i had made. and now...what is here? a quick survey around shows that nothing here is actually of my own creation. the bathroom comes closest, but even it is made of manufactured pieces i have strewn together. no "me" there either.
seven/eight more weeks of stupid school. it is so hard to go when it is sunny out. i don't want to get into that "i don't give a damn" school approach of last quarter, but wright state seems to actually TRY to make it as unappealing to go there as possible. hopefully cincinnati will be better about that. HOPEFULLY. anyway, i know it will be better because i just need the change more than anything. so whatever cincinnati offers will be fine.
i am trying to remember what my life was like a year ago, to see if i've gotten any better. on the personal level i probably haven't. i mean, i actually have a whole right hand with fingernails on it now, which is nice because it has taken me ten weeks to do so. plus, nobody ever thought i'd stop biting my nails, including me, and it's been hard, but worth it. and my hair is growing out, which i like a lot because i've been attempting to do it for two years and it got to that mullety stage and i just went "bah! no!" and cut it all off again, thus forcing myself to continue looking like a boy. now i just look like a really ugly girl. plus, i have tattoos, which i like. that's different than a year ago. doug always told me i'd be too much of a pussy to get one. the sad thing is i believed him. and now i laugh and think ha ha- i got one on my foot, which hurts a billion times more than arm tattoos do, plus yours looks like shit. and it does. oh how it does.
speaking of doug-related tattoos, while discussing todd's upcoming star wars imperial symbol tattoo with todd and jason, jason mentioned that corie had said "wait a minute? didn't doug have the rebel alliance's symbol?" ha ha ha. i too thought that was too weird for words, but hey, they are basically polar opposites, so it's sort of fitting. what would my next boyfriedn have, i wonder? would he keep with the trend of getting the opposite star wars insignia of the guy before him? and does that mean he'd get a rebel alliance tattoo or something completely different? i'll notify anybody with my findings i guess.
speaking of todd, todd is different. on sunday it will be a year of off/on dating. weird. but yes, that is definitely different, actually KNOWING someone you love cares about you, rather than last year's situation where i was basically being jerked around for the fun of it. and yea, a lot of this year was spent getting jerked around, but fuck, what is here now is the urge to be stronger and not let doug deteriorate me any further. and if i can look back next year and say that i have done this, well good. that will be the ultimate goal i guess.
but there needs to be more personal things on this list, not based on appearance changes. i am very sad i have yet to learn one new language than last year. i'll have to work on that. this self-reflection probably means i am going to start a lot of little self-improvement projects.
who's your little vermont farmhouse? is it me? i think it is.
i have rediscovered "wrong way" by sublime. ok, you can stop giggling anytime. it's a damn good song.
seven/eight more weeks of stupid school. it is so hard to go when it is sunny out. i don't want to get into that "i don't give a damn" school approach of last quarter, but wright state seems to actually TRY to make it as unappealing to go there as possible. hopefully cincinnati will be better about that. HOPEFULLY. anyway, i know it will be better because i just need the change more than anything. so whatever cincinnati offers will be fine.
i am trying to remember what my life was like a year ago, to see if i've gotten any better. on the personal level i probably haven't. i mean, i actually have a whole right hand with fingernails on it now, which is nice because it has taken me ten weeks to do so. plus, nobody ever thought i'd stop biting my nails, including me, and it's been hard, but worth it. and my hair is growing out, which i like a lot because i've been attempting to do it for two years and it got to that mullety stage and i just went "bah! no!" and cut it all off again, thus forcing myself to continue looking like a boy. now i just look like a really ugly girl. plus, i have tattoos, which i like. that's different than a year ago. doug always told me i'd be too much of a pussy to get one. the sad thing is i believed him. and now i laugh and think ha ha- i got one on my foot, which hurts a billion times more than arm tattoos do, plus yours looks like shit. and it does. oh how it does.
speaking of doug-related tattoos, while discussing todd's upcoming star wars imperial symbol tattoo with todd and jason, jason mentioned that corie had said "wait a minute? didn't doug have the rebel alliance's symbol?" ha ha ha. i too thought that was too weird for words, but hey, they are basically polar opposites, so it's sort of fitting. what would my next boyfriedn have, i wonder? would he keep with the trend of getting the opposite star wars insignia of the guy before him? and does that mean he'd get a rebel alliance tattoo or something completely different? i'll notify anybody with my findings i guess.
speaking of todd, todd is different. on sunday it will be a year of off/on dating. weird. but yes, that is definitely different, actually KNOWING someone you love cares about you, rather than last year's situation where i was basically being jerked around for the fun of it. and yea, a lot of this year was spent getting jerked around, but fuck, what is here now is the urge to be stronger and not let doug deteriorate me any further. and if i can look back next year and say that i have done this, well good. that will be the ultimate goal i guess.
but there needs to be more personal things on this list, not based on appearance changes. i am very sad i have yet to learn one new language than last year. i'll have to work on that. this self-reflection probably means i am going to start a lot of little self-improvement projects.
who's your little vermont farmhouse? is it me? i think it is.
i have rediscovered "wrong way" by sublime. ok, you can stop giggling anytime. it's a damn good song.