once a pushover, always a pushover
So it's been almost a year. The only reason I even thought to post here tonight is because I'm in a pit.
An apology here is a shameful, stupid apology because no one even reads this anymore. But if you are reading this, and you know me, I just need to say these things.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you in the past because I was scared to be honest, scared to say no, scared to offend. I realize that my view of the world is a lot different than everyone else's and it's necessary for all of us to learn about each other and therefore learn to live with each other.
2. I'm sorry for not trusting. I'm also sorry for not being trustworthy.
3. For everyone I've blown off, ignored, put aside for the moment to benefit myself: You have every right not to forgive me. I've been a very selfish person in the past and should be on the ground begging to be treated like a human being.
4. And to God, I'm sorry for constantly leaving. All I ever see are ways to get the greatest result with the smallest effort. I realize that there are certain things I need to do in order to live the life you want for me, and I've constantly failed to listen.
I want to thank those who have stuck by me, however horribly I've treated them. The following messages are to various people who have touched my life in the past four or so years.
a) I really wish things hadn't turned out the way they did. I would give anything to be able to say this to your face, but I'm just too scared. Too scared of what we'd say, or not say, after. Too scared of your pretense and the way you'll blow it off on the outside (even though you're dying to respond on the inside). I'm just really sorry for whatever happened.
b) I never got to know you. We still talk occasionally but I miss what we used to talk about and how we used to bond so easily, even though we'd never spoken in person. I hope you don't forget about me.
c) I can't even think of what to write for you. Thanks for sticking by me. Sometimes you hurt me; I'm sure I hurt you too, whether I mean to or not. I feel like everything we say to each other is a competition. I'd give so much to know if you feel the same way and if we could fix it somehow.
d) I hurt you so many times, and yet you've forgiven me over and over and over. I wish so badly that I could fix what I've done, that I could have been more tolerant and gentle towards you. I wish that I would have talked things through instead of given up so easily. I wish so many things that are impossible to put into words. I love you. I think I always have.
e) You try so hard to pump up my self-esteem and I don't understand why. There are times when I really can't see a single good thing about myself, but you insist that there are so many. I know I suck to be saying this, but I really hope that you mean them and that you're not just saying them to make me feel better. I love you so much, but it's just so difficult for me to see good things about me that when you tell some of them to me I'm not sure whether or not I should believe.
f) You inspired me to do this. I hope I can gather the strength to change. I wonder so much who will help me.
Obviously, I didn't include everyone. That would have taken days, and my hands are shaking already.
You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting
Cause I'm not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes;
These wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below
Who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for
Both a beginning, and then end.
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident.
On the back of a motorbike,
With your arms outstretched - trying to take flight,
Leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed, we could not break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like Navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides,
Like brothers on a hotel bed.
An apology here is a shameful, stupid apology because no one even reads this anymore. But if you are reading this, and you know me, I just need to say these things.
1. I'm sorry for hurting you in the past because I was scared to be honest, scared to say no, scared to offend. I realize that my view of the world is a lot different than everyone else's and it's necessary for all of us to learn about each other and therefore learn to live with each other.
2. I'm sorry for not trusting. I'm also sorry for not being trustworthy.
3. For everyone I've blown off, ignored, put aside for the moment to benefit myself: You have every right not to forgive me. I've been a very selfish person in the past and should be on the ground begging to be treated like a human being.
4. And to God, I'm sorry for constantly leaving. All I ever see are ways to get the greatest result with the smallest effort. I realize that there are certain things I need to do in order to live the life you want for me, and I've constantly failed to listen.
I want to thank those who have stuck by me, however horribly I've treated them. The following messages are to various people who have touched my life in the past four or so years.
a) I really wish things hadn't turned out the way they did. I would give anything to be able to say this to your face, but I'm just too scared. Too scared of what we'd say, or not say, after. Too scared of your pretense and the way you'll blow it off on the outside (even though you're dying to respond on the inside). I'm just really sorry for whatever happened.
b) I never got to know you. We still talk occasionally but I miss what we used to talk about and how we used to bond so easily, even though we'd never spoken in person. I hope you don't forget about me.
c) I can't even think of what to write for you. Thanks for sticking by me. Sometimes you hurt me; I'm sure I hurt you too, whether I mean to or not. I feel like everything we say to each other is a competition. I'd give so much to know if you feel the same way and if we could fix it somehow.
d) I hurt you so many times, and yet you've forgiven me over and over and over. I wish so badly that I could fix what I've done, that I could have been more tolerant and gentle towards you. I wish that I would have talked things through instead of given up so easily. I wish so many things that are impossible to put into words. I love you. I think I always have.
e) You try so hard to pump up my self-esteem and I don't understand why. There are times when I really can't see a single good thing about myself, but you insist that there are so many. I know I suck to be saying this, but I really hope that you mean them and that you're not just saying them to make me feel better. I love you so much, but it's just so difficult for me to see good things about me that when you tell some of them to me I'm not sure whether or not I should believe.
f) You inspired me to do this. I hope I can gather the strength to change. I wonder so much who will help me.
Obviously, I didn't include everyone. That would have taken days, and my hands are shaking already.
You may tire of me, as our December sun is setting
Cause I'm not who I used to be.
No longer easy on the eyes;
These wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below
Who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for
Both a beginning, and then end.
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident.
On the back of a motorbike,
With your arms outstretched - trying to take flight,
Leaving everything behind.
But even at our swiftest speed, we could not break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside.
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like Navy men
Cause now we say goodnight from our own separate sides,
Like brothers on a hotel bed.