what's up???
so i haven't posted in a while. not that I really read this ne more nor do i think n e one else reads this (except for Ceasar even though he says he hates livejournal lmao)
n e wayz so i dunno once again i'm ready to settle down with someone. There's a guy named slade (if you don't know how i know him then oh well) i thought i was into him but i don't think our personalities and life styles would really clique well after going to wild bills with him and jerrica thursday night. but i did meet a guy at wild bills ***how ironic***. I dunno though he's very iffy...and then again i have to remind myself i just met him last night but we've spoken all day through text message cause i was at work. He's 22, lives in marrietta, he's a technician for a dealership (i forget which one) he has his own house but at the same time he loooooves to smoke his green. i don't have n e thing against it but i can't lie it does bother me that he makes it a part of his daily life....and i acn't say i don't have friends that way or i didn't use to be that way but i just don't want that in my guy (not that he has to be squeaky clean cause we all know i sure as hell am not fucking playing quarters 4 nights out of the week haha) but i dunno. He seems nice but at the sametime i could see how he could be an ass hole. We'll just see how it goes I guess...after Jason i'm even more skeptical about guys than ever. I didn't think someone who picked me up took me to work and picked me up to take me back home could screw me over the way he did. I mean really every waking minute of our lives was spent with eachother and while we were at work we'd call or text w/e chance we had and then BAM gone. so even if this new guy drove from marrietta to hangout with me whenever i wanted i still couldn't trust it. But i'm being honest with him (which is kind of a first for me) i mean i'm very upfront with ppl and blunt about everything but i don't think i've ever really told n e one i'm tired of *having my fun* and i would like someone to really care about me...i just hope that that's how it ends up really...which brings me to Lee.....
Lee and I have pretty much been friends with benefits and i told myself i wouldn't like him because i know if we dated i would get bored with him...it would be like a whole nother chris relatoinship...taht i'm just settling...but Lee pulled at 180 on me and surprised me. he would come up to the mall imbetween my jobs and eat lunch with me. he'd always be up for hanging out with me even if we weren't partying. he got really interested in knowing about my past and why i am the way that i am...although i couldn't get myself to tell him about the death of my mom, the abuse i live with at home, how i can't trust n e of my friends...i just didn't want to let all that out and get close to him...almost like i was afraid well not almost i was afraid....ppl look at me completely different after i tell them things like that because they realise that i'm not partying because i'm a party animal...i party cause deep inside i really am a fucked up individual and it's the only outlet i really have. so i dunno he didn't do waht i thought he would which is fool around for a lil while and bail...BUT....things could be taking a turn for the worst. I asked him if i could please hangout with him tonight....i was at work and on the verge of tears and for some reason he's the only person i really wanted to see or speak to...why i dunno...i just realized he's the first person that came to my mind...but instead of saying sure, or i'll call u...he replied with "oh i'll think about it" and i don't know if he was joking or not or if he was serious.....i texted him not too long ago asking him if he was mad at me but he hasn't replied and now i'ts bugging me and i HATE that...well he just texted back he's not mad just *busy*...i guess we'll speak tonight
i dunno why i just want to cry tonight. I want to cry for Molly because she just keeps digging her grave, I want to cry for all my ex boyfriedns that i wasn't good enough for, i want to cry for my family which has fallen so far down, i want to cry for my grandmother and her bitterness, i want to cry for my dad because i'm such a horrible daughter, i want to cry for my friends for all the shit i give them....i just want to cry for everyone and everything...i hope we all make it through in the end and this will all be a memory
~Mel
n e wayz so i dunno once again i'm ready to settle down with someone. There's a guy named slade (if you don't know how i know him then oh well) i thought i was into him but i don't think our personalities and life styles would really clique well after going to wild bills with him and jerrica thursday night. but i did meet a guy at wild bills ***how ironic***. I dunno though he's very iffy...and then again i have to remind myself i just met him last night but we've spoken all day through text message cause i was at work. He's 22, lives in marrietta, he's a technician for a dealership (i forget which one) he has his own house but at the same time he loooooves to smoke his green. i don't have n e thing against it but i can't lie it does bother me that he makes it a part of his daily life....and i acn't say i don't have friends that way or i didn't use to be that way but i just don't want that in my guy (not that he has to be squeaky clean cause we all know i sure as hell am not fucking playing quarters 4 nights out of the week haha) but i dunno. He seems nice but at the sametime i could see how he could be an ass hole. We'll just see how it goes I guess...after Jason i'm even more skeptical about guys than ever. I didn't think someone who picked me up took me to work and picked me up to take me back home could screw me over the way he did. I mean really every waking minute of our lives was spent with eachother and while we were at work we'd call or text w/e chance we had and then BAM gone. so even if this new guy drove from marrietta to hangout with me whenever i wanted i still couldn't trust it. But i'm being honest with him (which is kind of a first for me) i mean i'm very upfront with ppl and blunt about everything but i don't think i've ever really told n e one i'm tired of *having my fun* and i would like someone to really care about me...i just hope that that's how it ends up really...which brings me to Lee.....
Lee and I have pretty much been friends with benefits and i told myself i wouldn't like him because i know if we dated i would get bored with him...it would be like a whole nother chris relatoinship...taht i'm just settling...but Lee pulled at 180 on me and surprised me. he would come up to the mall imbetween my jobs and eat lunch with me. he'd always be up for hanging out with me even if we weren't partying. he got really interested in knowing about my past and why i am the way that i am...although i couldn't get myself to tell him about the death of my mom, the abuse i live with at home, how i can't trust n e of my friends...i just didn't want to let all that out and get close to him...almost like i was afraid well not almost i was afraid....ppl look at me completely different after i tell them things like that because they realise that i'm not partying because i'm a party animal...i party cause deep inside i really am a fucked up individual and it's the only outlet i really have. so i dunno he didn't do waht i thought he would which is fool around for a lil while and bail...BUT....things could be taking a turn for the worst. I asked him if i could please hangout with him tonight....i was at work and on the verge of tears and for some reason he's the only person i really wanted to see or speak to...why i dunno...i just realized he's the first person that came to my mind...but instead of saying sure, or i'll call u...he replied with "oh i'll think about it" and i don't know if he was joking or not or if he was serious.....i texted him not too long ago asking him if he was mad at me but he hasn't replied and now i'ts bugging me and i HATE that...well he just texted back he's not mad just *busy*...i guess we'll speak tonight
i dunno why i just want to cry tonight. I want to cry for Molly because she just keeps digging her grave, I want to cry for all my ex boyfriedns that i wasn't good enough for, i want to cry for my family which has fallen so far down, i want to cry for my grandmother and her bitterness, i want to cry for my dad because i'm such a horrible daughter, i want to cry for my friends for all the shit i give them....i just want to cry for everyone and everything...i hope we all make it through in the end and this will all be a memory
~Mel