How to get over a breakup (and become a better person for it)
So, I'm pretty sure no one checks this anymore, which is actually good, because this is more like a personal post for myself than anything. If you do end up reading this, forgive my grammar and poor writing, as I really am just ranting at 3 in the morning for my own benefit. You might call this my quarter life crisis.
Anyways, I've been having a really REALLY rough time trying to get over Pat in the last week and a half. I want to talk to him, and then I beat myself up for being weak. Then, I let myself talk to him, telling myself if I need to do it, so be it. I feel good for a few minutes; then, I beat myself up again. I feel like a loser for thinking of him and thinking of how I'm so sad being without him; then, I think it's not all that abnormal. Quite the paradoxical situations, breakups are.
This evening, I really seemed to come to a revelation. It really came as a result of looking at old pictures of myself and friends from back in 2nd and 3rd year. I was SO skinny back then, and yet I felt awful about myself even then. Now, I would DIE to look like I did back then. This brings forward revelation #1:
Be happy with yourself, no matter what you look like, who you are with, or what your current situation is like.
It sounds SOOO cheesy and cliche, but it is actually harder than it looks. I've never thought of myself as a person with low self-esteem, but looking back in time, I guess I have been a person with a lot of self-doubt. I have always been unsatisfied with my body, whether weighing 135 pounds or 180, I have often doubted how people view me, despite the fact that I have friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I really do need to learn to be happy with myself. I thought I was happy with myself, but I have a lot of growing to do. I don't feel like this was the cause of our breakup or any of that bullshit. I think you can be ok on your own, even happy on your own, and still not be satisfied with yourself. Easier said than done. I know I will never completely be happy with myself, but that is life. Life is truly the experience of bettering oneself, whether it be for God, to contribute to the world as much as you can, or just to appreciate the short time we have on Earth as much as possible. I hope to do it for all of these reasons.
Another revelation I came to: relationships and breakup advice is full of bullshit rules. I have read many breakup "advice articles" in the past week to try to make myself feel better. In fact, they only make you feel better, followed by immediately feeling worse. These articles are full of rules, some of them good (don't drunk badmouth your ex), many of them which will make you feel guilty ("whatever you do, don't talk to him under any circumstances!"...or my personal favorite.."Channel your rage into the gym! Chances are good he wasn't attracted to you any more because you had gained weight as everyone does in a relationship"...niiiice one). Life is not a set of rules dictated by a couple of people. Do whatever the fuck you think will work for you, or not work for you, but what you need to do. I agonized for days over contacting pat, because the pain was so great and i was miserable everytime i was alone. Tonight, I talked to him, mind you, I made it my OWN personal rule to keep it very businesslike (aka, you owe me money...hahaa). Funny enough, it actually made me feel better. The cynics out there will say it's just my separation anxiety coming back to bite me in the ass, but I think it makes me feel in control of the situation. I don't like to think of myself as a type A...but, let's face it, I'm a med student, I need to have control over my environment. Being able to speak with him congenially without providing any hints of sadness, hatred, or "weakness' actually made me feel more in control of my situation than agonizing every day about how much I wanted to talk to him but I couldn't. It was a 10 minute, concise conversation, and I feel great about it. This is actually the first time that I have been able to feel like, one day, I will get over this. Hence, revelation 2:
Friends and "experts" are great for a shoulder to cry on, someone to give you advice when you don't have any for yourself, and as moral support. However, never doubt your own needs, desires and decisions. You might make mistakes on the way, but this is how we learn from our past experiences.
Life is full of death and rebirth cycles. Everyone experiences tragedy numerous times in their lives; why do you think that the Greeks made such great success off making plays based on these common life woes? The key to leading a good life is learning not how to get over them, or how to survive, but how to take your pain and difficult times and grow from them. In the spirit of growth, I have decided to write down 10 goals for myself for April 1st, 2009 to April 1st, 2010. What better time to grow than at the onset of spring?
1. Get fit. Don't go to the gym because you think you are fat. Do it because you want to, and because your body deserves better treatment than you give it. God has given you life so precious and you need to make the most of it. Keep curling; it has made you rediscover a joy for sports which you had such a disdane for for so long. Join tennis lessons this summer; seek out as many opportunities for FUN fitness as possible.
2. Start playing music again. I don't care how you manage to procure an instrument, just do it and play it regularly. You have a special gift, no matter what anyone else thinks, and you need to use that gift to your full potential.
3. Live on your own for awhile. It'll be hard, for sure, but you need to do it. There is no better way to establish your independence and ability to function alone than doing this.
4. Go back to church, even if just for once in a blue moon. For better or worse, it always seems easier to rediscover your faith when you are in difficult times. You know you miss the spiritual connection you experience with other young adults at fellowship.
5. STOP being so hard on yourself. Self-motivation is great, but you drive yourself too hard sometimes towards perfection. This means that, oftentimes, you end up falling short of your goals because you feel they are unachievable. Make achievable goals: "i will clean my house every two weeks." "I will try to go to bed at 2 instead of 3". " i will try to make it to 33% more classes than I do right now."
I feel like this is important, so goals 6-10 are TBD.