:( Disappointed in myself ;(
Shit shit...i don't know what to do..i'm soo depressed right now!! so i'm sucking arse in volleyball...so much that my coach didn't even play me that much in the game today and i totaly fucked up one of my serves which ALSO happened to be the other team's last point, so they won cause of my shitty serve...but we ended up beating them in 2 outta 3 games. still, i hate it when your whole team does awesome, but then you sucked horribly, and they only did well when you weren't in. ya kno? i've been pondering upon whether volleyball really is my thing. i'm really into musical theater and stuff tho and i could realy persue that instead of volleyball...but then i also love volleyball so much but my confidence level is at like 0 and you deffinitely need great confidence to do well in volleyball...
so i've been having a pretty SHITTY year so far. first ap euro is soo hard and my teacher hates me and i got a 22 outta 39 on the first test which yes is a D but since its an AP class it really is a C so....deffinitely won't accomplish my goal of a 4.0 this year. i just hate it how obsessive i am about being the best at everything! and then when i'm not i punish myself mentally and physically. its totaly differnet from middle school because the competetion waasn't big at all there...then when i get to high school i am hit with reality, that i suck. haha...i think i need counseling. cause i have no one to talk to...my mom is too freakin obsessed with grades and thats all she cares about...my sister is gonna be off at college...my dad is outta the question...then i feel embarassed talking even to close friends about all the shit going on in my life so i come across as a totaly dumbass dumb blonde kinda person to cover up my depression, and everyone thinks i'm a loser...ahh well...at least i have college to look forward to where i can finally leave this hell hole seattle and move on to bigger and better things. i need to leave, totally start over new and go to a college where no one knows me so that i can become a totally different person who isn't as self concious and a "need to be perfectionist" and who doesn't come across as a dumbass when inside i am deffinitely not...
so i've been having a pretty SHITTY year so far. first ap euro is soo hard and my teacher hates me and i got a 22 outta 39 on the first test which yes is a D but since its an AP class it really is a C so....deffinitely won't accomplish my goal of a 4.0 this year. i just hate it how obsessive i am about being the best at everything! and then when i'm not i punish myself mentally and physically. its totaly differnet from middle school because the competetion waasn't big at all there...then when i get to high school i am hit with reality, that i suck. haha...i think i need counseling. cause i have no one to talk to...my mom is too freakin obsessed with grades and thats all she cares about...my sister is gonna be off at college...my dad is outta the question...then i feel embarassed talking even to close friends about all the shit going on in my life so i come across as a totaly dumbass dumb blonde kinda person to cover up my depression, and everyone thinks i'm a loser...ahh well...at least i have college to look forward to where i can finally leave this hell hole seattle and move on to bigger and better things. i need to leave, totally start over new and go to a college where no one knows me so that i can become a totally different person who isn't as self concious and a "need to be perfectionist" and who doesn't come across as a dumbass when inside i am deffinitely not...