No more
There are times in life when you just have to put your nose to the grindstone and "git 'r' done"... times like high school, when you just have to do stupid assignments in order to get a decent grade. Or when you have a family to support and must work an unfulfilling, laborious job to make ends meet and put food on the table. Or the last, long final stretch before a project is due, when you're past the point of thinking clearly and past the point of caring... but you just do it. You give that last little bit. And you get it done.
I have been attempting to study for the GRE. I have been faithfully attending my Kaplan course, completing the necessary assignments, stressing about finding more and more time to study, stressing about not studying well, stressing about feeling exhausted....
I have improved my score by over 100 points. I have also more or less decided that Social Work is my grad school program of choice. They don't give two hoots about my GRE score. And still I've been stressing. Why? Because when I go on to get a PhD in god-knows-what... I want my GRE scores to be shining bright and screaming, "Pick me! I'm smart! I'm better than the others!"
And I've been miserable.
All because of some stupid test that I don't even agree with in the first place. My work should speak for itself. My abilities, my strengths, my passion for making the world a better place... that should be enough. And if it's not? Guess what- I don't want to be in your stinkin' PhD program anyhow. I don't want to jump through hoops to prove myself to anyone. My work will speak for itself. And I will enjoy my work. I will enjoy my schooling. Maybe not every second of it, but I will find joy in the purpose of my efforts. And I will balance those efforts with all of the other things that make my life happy and whole. My family, my friends, my hundreds of other interests and passions.
I will continue to study for the GRE until June 2. But as of right now, I am through stressing out about it. I am through forcing myself to stare at a computer screen or at pages of practice problems while my eyes glaze over and I silently berate myself for not focusing on the task at hand. And not because I can't focus (although it was starting to feel that way)... no, I can become so absorbed in a project, a book, a thought that you can shout my name into my ear and I won't even blink. (Yes, this would infuriate my mother to no end.)
But regardless of how loudly my brain protests and argues and demands my attention, if my heart is not in sync with the matter at hand... if my heart cannot invest or take root in what my mind deems to be of the utmost importance... then prolonged attempts to force the brain to learn, focus, and absorb will be to no avail. And stressing about this only makes me very, very unhappy.
I'm choosing to be happy.
=)
I have been attempting to study for the GRE. I have been faithfully attending my Kaplan course, completing the necessary assignments, stressing about finding more and more time to study, stressing about not studying well, stressing about feeling exhausted....
I have improved my score by over 100 points. I have also more or less decided that Social Work is my grad school program of choice. They don't give two hoots about my GRE score. And still I've been stressing. Why? Because when I go on to get a PhD in god-knows-what... I want my GRE scores to be shining bright and screaming, "Pick me! I'm smart! I'm better than the others!"
And I've been miserable.
All because of some stupid test that I don't even agree with in the first place. My work should speak for itself. My abilities, my strengths, my passion for making the world a better place... that should be enough. And if it's not? Guess what- I don't want to be in your stinkin' PhD program anyhow. I don't want to jump through hoops to prove myself to anyone. My work will speak for itself. And I will enjoy my work. I will enjoy my schooling. Maybe not every second of it, but I will find joy in the purpose of my efforts. And I will balance those efforts with all of the other things that make my life happy and whole. My family, my friends, my hundreds of other interests and passions.
I will continue to study for the GRE until June 2. But as of right now, I am through stressing out about it. I am through forcing myself to stare at a computer screen or at pages of practice problems while my eyes glaze over and I silently berate myself for not focusing on the task at hand. And not because I can't focus (although it was starting to feel that way)... no, I can become so absorbed in a project, a book, a thought that you can shout my name into my ear and I won't even blink. (Yes, this would infuriate my mother to no end.)
But regardless of how loudly my brain protests and argues and demands my attention, if my heart is not in sync with the matter at hand... if my heart cannot invest or take root in what my mind deems to be of the utmost importance... then prolonged attempts to force the brain to learn, focus, and absorb will be to no avail. And stressing about this only makes me very, very unhappy.
I'm choosing to be happy.
=)