For Those of You Contemplating Suicide....
Early this morning, at D&D, I ordered a large hazelnut with extra skim milk and 4 packs of equal and I am still paying the price. My heart is pounding a little more than it really should be. But, I am sure that will pass. I was extremely tired this morning, and its carrying over to the afternoon. I tried to fall asleep last night at a reasonable hour, but eventually found myself lying awake in the dark, staring at my ceiling. It’s amazing to me how scary thoughts and misguided revelations can come to you late at night when you’re tired and vulnerable. Over-analyzing things is a workout all by itself. It seems to be a “special” trait of mine. But its part of me-- so I own it-- and as such, embrace it.
Lately, it seems like I have been given the role of confidant to many of my friends. Late last night I received a call from a friend of mine that I have known since boarding school. We actually do still keep in touch, but not as frequently as we used to. But I suppose that when you have a friend who has known you since you were a nerd/dork with braces, and has the Polaroids to prove it, you know that they will always be there for you, and vise-versa.
Well, unbeknownst to me she has been going through a really rough time. She graduated this past June and has absolutely no direction. It took her six years to finish and receive her BA - she has had a major problem with depression since I have known her-and she’s living at home with her mother-who is quite frankly, one of the scariest women I have ever met. She has this uncanny ability to put you down in a way where you have no idea that you were just reduced to the size of a pea until you walk away from her-or she walks away from you (which is usually the case). Nothing you do is ever quite good “enough”. There is always room for improvement, and she reminds you of that fact EVERY SINGLE chance she gets. (She is a lot like my father, but when he wanted you to feel badly about yourself, he didn’t do it on the sly... he made you to feel the sting of it.) Well, imagine living with that. I think if I still did, my self-esteem would become a figment of my imagination too.
Anyway, her boyfriend just dumped her and she has no job-no prospects of both -- she sees her mother every single day (read description above), and all of her friends-including me-have been very busy with their own lives that we haven’t taken the time to call her or hang out like we did in the past. So, she’s just not in a happy place right now. She essentially felt invisible, un-wanted and over-whelmed.
Case-in-point, she was contemplating suicide and decided to call me to say “goodbye”. Now, this is A LOT for me to take in. As a psychology major who went into this field primarily because of all the issues I saw with my peers at boarding school and beyond, when someone tells you that they called to say “goodbye”… even MY sunny disposition gets cloudy. I honestly didn’t know what to say except… “Please don’t. I’d miss you too much.” That was the honest truth.
Did that sound selfish? Quite frankly, I honestly didn’t care. I wanted her to know that even if she thought no one would care if she died, I would. Because I would. I never heard someone cry so much and so hard, and the worst part was that I started to cry too… but couldn’t be loud about it because I didn’t want her to feel even more scared than she already was. She sounded so helpless and hopeless and devastated. She honestly felt that death was her only option. That was a place that I NEVER want to be.
We talked for four hours and every time there was a moment of silence my stomach caved and I panicked. I kept bringing up memories and experiences that we had had together, and special moments that while I hadn’t been a part of, had felt a connection to because she had recounted them with such vivid detail. I had to keep reminding her how loved she was, and how things can seem so much worst than they really are- which is really very true. I had to remind her how people, like myself, were depending on her to always be a part of their lives. It was all so surreal.
By the end of the conversation, I was drained both physically and mentally. We agreed that she needed some serious help, and immediately. I made her wake her mother up and I explained to her mom what had just occurred. In between sobs, her mother agreed that she needed medical attention. They decided that she would check her into a program in the morning.
I got a call from her mom mid-morning, she’s at an institution in Pembroke, and will be there for several weeks. I truly hope that she will get better soon. Her mother said that she can have visitors in a couple weeks, so I am looking forward to seeing her.
Yet, this experience, while it ended well, was one of the scariest moments of my entire life. It was overwhelming and stressful and very tiring. I think I aged 10 years in the span of a few hours. I felt as though anything I said could send her over the edge. It was very odd and very scary to have that sense of responsibility.
Yet, this whole experience made me feel very confident in who I am, as a person. As I laid in my bed starring up at my ‘glow-in the dark star-covered ceiling (from middle school- shut up :P) I did a lot of self-reflection. I have insecurities like the next person, but I know that I will over-come whatever is placed before me. I’ve faced some pretty terrifying situations and come out victorious. So while I’d rather be in a “happy” place the majority of my life, I know that that won’t always be the case. Yet I do know that regardless of whether I have more bad times than good; more pain than pleasure; more failure than successes; more losses than gains…. I will still have My self. My pride. My respect. What more could I ask for?
That being said, I am happy. I have family and friends who truly care about me and want nothing but the best for me. I love, and am loved in return. I have a job-albeit one that I don’t necessarily enjoy-but a job nonetheless. I have traveled and lived in many different places. I like making other people happy, sometimes even when it requires me to sacrifice my own happiness. I have had a great education. I believe in love at first sight. I know more than one language-even if I am a bit “rusty”. I love Strawberry Haagen Daas Ice Cream. I sometimes smile when I want to cry. I always give 100% in everything that I do. My favorite color is Pink, but I love Black too. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a great baker. I am claustrophobic. I see the cup half full. Sometimes I dance around my room and sing/scream at the top of my lungs. Flowers (primarily spray roses) make me happy. I put myself “out there” and expose myself even when I am scared. I am a huge fan of Marilyn Monroe. I hate being criticized, but realize that advice is very necessary. I am extremely organized. I love sad love songs. I have a “fondness for shoes”. I hate Brussels sprouts. I love practicing yoga. I can keep secrets. I love being kissed. I love giving hugs. My favorite scent is Rose, but I love Vanilla too. I wish my boobs were bigger. I hate bugs. I always ‘follow-thru’ with everything that I do. I love peanut butter. I want a pet. I have a nice smile. I am friendly and very giving. My feet are always cold. I am pretty optimistic. I have been told more than once that I bring out the best in those that I am around. I love chicken-but only if you can see the entire piece. I am a horrible speller. I love receiving complements. I hate whole milk.
Now, I hope I am not coming across as conceded, because I am definitely not. I have insecurities and worries, but all of these things encompass me. They make me who I am. Essentially there is more good than bad to me. What I have discovered is that I like myself. So, in conclusion, I just wanted to say that even when you’re having a horrible day, just remember the good things that did occur, or the good things to come, or the good things that passed and recognize how lucky you truly are.