Sorry, Hindemith...
We performed our final concert of the season last night (Wind Ensemble). It was the first concert that I had been REALLY excited for in a long time. One of the trumpet players and I were talking earlier in the day about how we thought our interpretation of the piece was better than several recordings we have heard of it, and that this was going to be such a thrilling concert. And it really was--until the last piece. Hindemith's Symphony in Bb. Probably my all-time favorite piece that I have played (so far). I also had these really sweet solos; they were not showy or virtuosic, but cool, exciting, and...well, just plain fun to play. It took a while to get better at not being nervous playing these in rehearsals and whatnot, but the past couple weeks I feel as though I had been playing them really well. The entire ensemble was sounding SPECTACULAR on this piece during the couple weeks leading up to the performance--especially on the night of the dress rehearsal. My parents weren't able to make it to the concert, so I was looking forward to doing our best performance so that I'd have a great recording of it (both for them, as well as for me to remember it by.) The piece started out well enough (I didn't even get lost by not flipping the page soon enough, which happened in an earlier piece), but as soon as we got to my first solo, I hesitated. A nanosecond worth of hesitation and I was thrown off. Mr. Speck gave me a crystal clear cue, and I just... hesitated. So I come in a measure late, and it just sounded... bad. It was almost surreal; part of me was convinced that it wasn't really happening. Soon I'd wake up and we'd start the concert and everything would be fine. But unfortunately, it really was happening. The music was just passing me by. And of course, I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the 19-minute piece which caused me to mess up on several other smaller solos.
It was all I could do to keep from tearing up during the actual piece (this was most likely due in part to an extremely stressful week. And the fact that I can at times be way too emotional for my own good.) Once it was over and I was standing with the ensemble to acknowledge the applause, I tried to just keep smiling. As soon as people were leaving their seats and the house lights went up, a few tears started to leak out. I felt frustrated and disappointed beyond belief. And ridiculous for crying about it. I tried to hide it and make it stop, but I couldn't. So as I went off stage, I dreaded passing through the backstage area, where Mr. Speck and Dr. Green and other people were standing but I went anyway. I apologized to Mr. Speck (this piece has a huge emotional/sentimental value to him), and i really don't remember what all he said. I think it was something like "don't worry about it, it wasn't that bad," and he asked if he cued me wrong. So I told him that he was fine, it was just me freaking out or something. Then Dr. Green (my music history professor and the music department chair...) came up to say "good job," but he saw that I had been sort of crying. Aaaaagh. I have never wished to be invisible more than in that moment. He was really kind--telling me that it sounded fine from where he was sitting and not to worry too much. He made me promise to take it easy that night and sleep in today. I have so much respect for the man and it was just so embarrassing for him to see me in that state. It's the same thing with Mr. Speck, but he has already seen me like that twice before in this semester.
I know it isn't THAT big of a deal; I didn't ruin the ENTIRE piece just by messing up a few solos. Some people in the audience that weren't familiar with the piece may not have even noticed. But the fact is that I am SO disappointed. This semester has been full of its letdowns and frustrations, and I was looking forward to actually doing something really well--something I could be proud of. I was going to finally play solos like a soloist. I was going to simply enjoy the piece and have such a great time making music with my colleagues. But that came crashing down before the piece had barely begun. AGH. I will never again have the chance to play this piece. There aren't many bands out there for adults to play in, and those that do exist are either not experienced enough to play the Hindemith or so good that I'd have no chance to be principal oboe.
I have never wanted a concert to go well so badly before. So naturally, I'm a bit upset that I completely botched my favorite piece. I just SO wanted to finally follow through on something and get things right when it really counts. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm just hoping that I can soon see how God is going to use this. I'm slowly learning this year that times of brokenness are blessings in disguise. It shows me how much I need Him, and in so doing, it allows me to feel more alive than ever. In my weakness, He is strong. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. This is good to know, and it helps a ton. I also keep going back to Romans 8:38-39 ("For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.")
So yeah. That's what's going on. Also, I'm not looking forward to this week with its papers, exams, jury... but I know it'll be over soon and I'll have one glorious week off before summer classes start. =)
It was all I could do to keep from tearing up during the actual piece (this was most likely due in part to an extremely stressful week. And the fact that I can at times be way too emotional for my own good.) Once it was over and I was standing with the ensemble to acknowledge the applause, I tried to just keep smiling. As soon as people were leaving their seats and the house lights went up, a few tears started to leak out. I felt frustrated and disappointed beyond belief. And ridiculous for crying about it. I tried to hide it and make it stop, but I couldn't. So as I went off stage, I dreaded passing through the backstage area, where Mr. Speck and Dr. Green and other people were standing but I went anyway. I apologized to Mr. Speck (this piece has a huge emotional/sentimental value to him), and i really don't remember what all he said. I think it was something like "don't worry about it, it wasn't that bad," and he asked if he cued me wrong. So I told him that he was fine, it was just me freaking out or something. Then Dr. Green (my music history professor and the music department chair...) came up to say "good job," but he saw that I had been sort of crying. Aaaaagh. I have never wished to be invisible more than in that moment. He was really kind--telling me that it sounded fine from where he was sitting and not to worry too much. He made me promise to take it easy that night and sleep in today. I have so much respect for the man and it was just so embarrassing for him to see me in that state. It's the same thing with Mr. Speck, but he has already seen me like that twice before in this semester.
I know it isn't THAT big of a deal; I didn't ruin the ENTIRE piece just by messing up a few solos. Some people in the audience that weren't familiar with the piece may not have even noticed. But the fact is that I am SO disappointed. This semester has been full of its letdowns and frustrations, and I was looking forward to actually doing something really well--something I could be proud of. I was going to finally play solos like a soloist. I was going to simply enjoy the piece and have such a great time making music with my colleagues. But that came crashing down before the piece had barely begun. AGH. I will never again have the chance to play this piece. There aren't many bands out there for adults to play in, and those that do exist are either not experienced enough to play the Hindemith or so good that I'd have no chance to be principal oboe.
I have never wanted a concert to go well so badly before. So naturally, I'm a bit upset that I completely botched my favorite piece. I just SO wanted to finally follow through on something and get things right when it really counts. Oh well. Life goes on. I'm just hoping that I can soon see how God is going to use this. I'm slowly learning this year that times of brokenness are blessings in disguise. It shows me how much I need Him, and in so doing, it allows me to feel more alive than ever. In my weakness, He is strong. "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. This is good to know, and it helps a ton. I also keep going back to Romans 8:38-39 ("For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.")
So yeah. That's what's going on. Also, I'm not looking forward to this week with its papers, exams, jury... but I know it'll be over soon and I'll have one glorious week off before summer classes start. =)