(no subject)
Why is it so difficult to trust in someone who has NEVER let you down? If he/she has not once failed you or spoken false words to you, why is it so out of the question to believe that he/she will continue to do so? Someone who always keeps his promises and proves to be reliable and dependable through the most arduous of times is obviously someone in whom to put your faith. So why can't I do it?
I know I should. I know it is the logical and rational thing to do. And yet it is the one thing I struggle with most. I feel as though my knowledge has been growing rapidly this year, but perhaps my faith is lagging, holding me back. I fear that I am losing sight of what is truly important. I am so focused on the tiniest of details that I completely miss the big picture. And I'm not even sure that I comprehend what having genuine faith is actually about. It's more than just saying "I trust in God," because that is something I do. But I have a feeling there is more.
My issue at the moment is that deep down, I don't believe that God can actually have something significant planned for my life. I'm simply too flawed: I don't have enough talent (and what I do have, I don't use properly), I'm not committed enough, I don't show enough motivation, I've never really been good at being a leader, I'm immature, I don't understand much and am too easily confused, I'm too negative...etc etc. The list goes on. I used to consider myself a generally positive person, but now I have to wonder.
For whatever reason, I refuse to believe I am qualified to do anything important. One specific instance of this is my ensemble playing. I don't allow myself to believe that I am capable of being a decent soloist and overall musician, and my playing is suffering because of it. I make a mistake or two, and then proceed to fear the music; I pull the air back into my throat instead of allowing it to go through the oboe and resonate the way it should. I can feel tension everywhere in my body when I play, since I'm trying to restrain the music that is dying to be set free. It has actually started to be physically painful. What I am lacking is confidence. I think I'm letting the fact that I can't know everything stop me from learning what I can. It's the perfectionist in me. It's got to be all or nothing (which is a ridiculous concept when you think about it...). I don't know... I have confidence that God can take every other person and transform them into something beautiful, but I don't believe that He can do that for me. Why?
I can feel myself beginning to withdraw from the world, from God, from everything; simply because I don't think I'm going to be good enough or something, so I reject everyone before giving them a chance to reject me. Maybe? I don't know. I can't figure out how to properly put this into words. I just know that there's conflict--and a lot of it--going on inside me right now. And I really don't mean this entry to be so entirely negative... I think I'm using stronger language than maybe I mean to. I know I will be ok; I know that God will love me through everything, no matter how much I struggle with this, and that He'll be there to pick me up every time I fall. I guess it's just a matter of incorporating that hope into my daily life.
I feel a bit like Jeremiah:
"Ah, Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 1:6-8)
I ought to lean on Him and realize that He wouldn't place me somewhere I am not meant to be, and He won't tell me to do something for which He hasn't already equipped me.
Heh... I'm sure I'll get it eventually. It's just been a rough week so far. I'm excited for the weekend, though. There is a transfer student coming in from Washington (the state) for an audition Monday, so I'll get to show her around campus Saturday and Sunday. She seemed pretty nice on the phone, so it'll be nice to meet her. Anyhow, it's time to get some rest. Aaaaahhh, sleep. It's so much more than a great Eric Whitacre piece. Hahah. Yep, I'm a nerd.
I know I should. I know it is the logical and rational thing to do. And yet it is the one thing I struggle with most. I feel as though my knowledge has been growing rapidly this year, but perhaps my faith is lagging, holding me back. I fear that I am losing sight of what is truly important. I am so focused on the tiniest of details that I completely miss the big picture. And I'm not even sure that I comprehend what having genuine faith is actually about. It's more than just saying "I trust in God," because that is something I do. But I have a feeling there is more.
My issue at the moment is that deep down, I don't believe that God can actually have something significant planned for my life. I'm simply too flawed: I don't have enough talent (and what I do have, I don't use properly), I'm not committed enough, I don't show enough motivation, I've never really been good at being a leader, I'm immature, I don't understand much and am too easily confused, I'm too negative...etc etc. The list goes on. I used to consider myself a generally positive person, but now I have to wonder.
For whatever reason, I refuse to believe I am qualified to do anything important. One specific instance of this is my ensemble playing. I don't allow myself to believe that I am capable of being a decent soloist and overall musician, and my playing is suffering because of it. I make a mistake or two, and then proceed to fear the music; I pull the air back into my throat instead of allowing it to go through the oboe and resonate the way it should. I can feel tension everywhere in my body when I play, since I'm trying to restrain the music that is dying to be set free. It has actually started to be physically painful. What I am lacking is confidence. I think I'm letting the fact that I can't know everything stop me from learning what I can. It's the perfectionist in me. It's got to be all or nothing (which is a ridiculous concept when you think about it...). I don't know... I have confidence that God can take every other person and transform them into something beautiful, but I don't believe that He can do that for me. Why?
I can feel myself beginning to withdraw from the world, from God, from everything; simply because I don't think I'm going to be good enough or something, so I reject everyone before giving them a chance to reject me. Maybe? I don't know. I can't figure out how to properly put this into words. I just know that there's conflict--and a lot of it--going on inside me right now. And I really don't mean this entry to be so entirely negative... I think I'm using stronger language than maybe I mean to. I know I will be ok; I know that God will love me through everything, no matter how much I struggle with this, and that He'll be there to pick me up every time I fall. I guess it's just a matter of incorporating that hope into my daily life.
I feel a bit like Jeremiah:
"Ah, Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child." But the Lord said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord." (Jeremiah 1:6-8)
I ought to lean on Him and realize that He wouldn't place me somewhere I am not meant to be, and He won't tell me to do something for which He hasn't already equipped me.
Heh... I'm sure I'll get it eventually. It's just been a rough week so far. I'm excited for the weekend, though. There is a transfer student coming in from Washington (the state) for an audition Monday, so I'll get to show her around campus Saturday and Sunday. She seemed pretty nice on the phone, so it'll be nice to meet her. Anyhow, it's time to get some rest. Aaaaahhh, sleep. It's so much more than a great Eric Whitacre piece. Hahah. Yep, I'm a nerd.