I am a walking contradiction.
It's true. I know just about everyone is like this to some extent... but it doesn't make it any less annoying to see it in myself so clearly. Anyhow... I can't even count the number of times I've found myself trying to be impressive or whatever just to be noticed by someone. Anyone. Which is ridiculous for a number of reasons. First of all, I know I'm not as invisible as I feel like I am sometimes. Being depressed and self-pitying that "nobody likes me" is pretty much silly--I have been blessed with great friends and family who I know love me very much (and I them). But that doesn't stop me from feeling as though no one really NOTICES me from time to time. Second of all, doing or being something simply to be noticed by someone is dumb, because then (even if they do notice you) they're not noticing YOU, but who you want them to think you are. Thirdly, it's ridiculous how desperate I seem to think I am for attention sometimes (this last one is dealing more specifically with those of the male gender). I catch myself frequently trying to be more this or less that in order to impress a guy--basically almost any single guy that happens to be around. Which is stupid... I know I don't want a relationship unless it's from God, and my going out and searching (desperately) for something I don't even want just doesn't make any sense at all.
And then there's the fact that even though I'm frantically searching for attention that I don't want or need, a lot of times I just want to be left alone at the same time. Half of me is dying for someone to notice me and the other half is doing all it can to run away and hide where no one will ever find me. So it's like I complain about being invisible and then am annoyed that I can't disappear. Meh... I don't get me. Oh well. It's late and I probably sound way more depressed than I really am... so I should just go and get some sleep.
bonne nuit.
p.s. why is it that I only write entries when I'm kinda down? heh... I never take the time to write about when I'm really happy. I'm really not as negative as I may seem. Just tired.
p.p.s. and why am I so selfish to worry about these kind of stupid things? There are so many bigger problems at hand here, and all I can seem to focus on is "I'm not happy right now." Agh. I apologize for my egotism--seriously.
And then there's the fact that even though I'm frantically searching for attention that I don't want or need, a lot of times I just want to be left alone at the same time. Half of me is dying for someone to notice me and the other half is doing all it can to run away and hide where no one will ever find me. So it's like I complain about being invisible and then am annoyed that I can't disappear. Meh... I don't get me. Oh well. It's late and I probably sound way more depressed than I really am... so I should just go and get some sleep.
bonne nuit.
p.s. why is it that I only write entries when I'm kinda down? heh... I never take the time to write about when I'm really happy. I'm really not as negative as I may seem. Just tired.
p.p.s. and why am I so selfish to worry about these kind of stupid things? There are so many bigger problems at hand here, and all I can seem to focus on is "I'm not happy right now." Agh. I apologize for my egotism--seriously.