Forever in the rain
Alone in the rain, rain, rain
nothing but pain, pain, pain
and I just can't let you go
More poetic words have been spoken. :\ but, oh, I relate.
I don't really feel like being me anymore. I know I've said this so much and especially recently, but even typing is such a burden. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel like I'm falling behind and the world keeps moving. I wished that I could be friends with him; he said some stuff that was good for me. I kept remembering all those little things because last weekend I somehow told both Franny and Marlene how I feel about that boy. But not really, not the whole of it. But obviously enough. And today when I was listening to "Paris", in English, our teacher was playing a movie (or collection of short films) called "Paris, Je t'aime" and the first person I talked to besides Franny today was Jordan Medina and I just felt like crying. I miss it, I was happy (but sad) and there was excitement in me always. Even when I felt embarrassed or shitty, I was always excited. Every moment was a little anecdote to tell back home, though I never did. Everything was wonderful and colorful even when I was shy and depressed and ashamed. My uncle says that when his kid gets out of high school, he's going to move them all to Paris. I'm seriously considering going too. But it won't ever be the same. My memories are happy ones trying to be happy with these people and without her, that girl that "broke up" with me. I still am not over it, because I didn't expect it. It wasn't mutual. I never expected to lose a best friend that way. I hate her but I miss her.
The first person I felt very strongly for was her. Not, like a crush (nothing like this) because there was no attraction, it wasn't sexual or anything...but it was strong love. Like best friend love, like, she asked if I wanted to live with her when we "grew up" and I said yes and I meant it. I felt safe with Amanthis, and I have this happy memory of the two of us looking up at the rain in the baseball field and it was so much fun and I was so happy. And sad of course.
I felt very similarly once, just this tiny memory that nobody but me would ever remember. Seemingly insignificant, I didn't even remember it until just a couple days ago, but somehow, it was significant. On that dreaded bus, I just pointed, not to anyone--I didn't mean to draw attention-- out the window and sort of went "ah!" and then almost a minute later, he said "yeah, it's a rainbow". I was happy that he said that, that I wasn't the only one looking at the rainbow (most everyone else was asleep or too far away for me to talk to. actually I probably wouldn't have talked to anyone else anyway. I feel very antisocial and lonely while on transportation vehicles, I don't know why, another complex. ) and I also felt sad. Of course.
I want a rainbow.
Reminds me. Another memory that's happy, it made me hate myself but it still makes me smile a little. We were sitting around and I said "well, I'm stuck sitting with he who won't talk, so let's talk now before we have to go" and then he said something like "well you can sit somewhere else, I don't want to talk" and I said something unimportant but I wasn't offended or anything and all of a sudden he whipped around and looked sincerely concerned for my feelings and stuttered "It's not like I don't want to talk to you! I didn't mean that." and I told him I understood. That was the day that in the bus, he talked to me for at least forty minutes about his friends and school and everything. I was very happy, I almost wanted to thank him but I know he'd deny it or get embarrassed. Plus I was too shy to ever say something like that.
I'm excited, this Friday; we're going to get my film developed from my cameras I took. I want to show everyone. I took some cook pictures of clouds, a lot of the whole group standing around waiting, a picture of Jordan Medina, Ren, and an oddly damp horse (lol), and a myspace pic of me and Ren which after I took it he said "oh, I wasn't smiling". Then we went home ): I think that was the last picture I took, actually. LOL.
I really hate sitting around while all my friends are out having fun. I feel so sad and lonely. Especially since Franny was being very cold to me today, I try not to pay attention to it, because it's just him, he's been feeling bad too, but...I manage to get my feelings hurt. I hate myself.
Michin sarange bbajin boys and girls say oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!, that song...
I don't wanna grow up, I just wanna die.
Sorry for this pointless post.
nothing but pain, pain, pain
and I just can't let you go
More poetic words have been spoken. :\ but, oh, I relate.
I don't really feel like being me anymore. I know I've said this so much and especially recently, but even typing is such a burden. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just feel like I'm falling behind and the world keeps moving. I wished that I could be friends with him; he said some stuff that was good for me. I kept remembering all those little things because last weekend I somehow told both Franny and Marlene how I feel about that boy. But not really, not the whole of it. But obviously enough. And today when I was listening to "Paris", in English, our teacher was playing a movie (or collection of short films) called "Paris, Je t'aime" and the first person I talked to besides Franny today was Jordan Medina and I just felt like crying. I miss it, I was happy (but sad) and there was excitement in me always. Even when I felt embarrassed or shitty, I was always excited. Every moment was a little anecdote to tell back home, though I never did. Everything was wonderful and colorful even when I was shy and depressed and ashamed. My uncle says that when his kid gets out of high school, he's going to move them all to Paris. I'm seriously considering going too. But it won't ever be the same. My memories are happy ones trying to be happy with these people and without her, that girl that "broke up" with me. I still am not over it, because I didn't expect it. It wasn't mutual. I never expected to lose a best friend that way. I hate her but I miss her.
The first person I felt very strongly for was her. Not, like a crush (nothing like this) because there was no attraction, it wasn't sexual or anything...but it was strong love. Like best friend love, like, she asked if I wanted to live with her when we "grew up" and I said yes and I meant it. I felt safe with Amanthis, and I have this happy memory of the two of us looking up at the rain in the baseball field and it was so much fun and I was so happy. And sad of course.
I felt very similarly once, just this tiny memory that nobody but me would ever remember. Seemingly insignificant, I didn't even remember it until just a couple days ago, but somehow, it was significant. On that dreaded bus, I just pointed, not to anyone--I didn't mean to draw attention-- out the window and sort of went "ah!" and then almost a minute later, he said "yeah, it's a rainbow". I was happy that he said that, that I wasn't the only one looking at the rainbow (most everyone else was asleep or too far away for me to talk to. actually I probably wouldn't have talked to anyone else anyway. I feel very antisocial and lonely while on transportation vehicles, I don't know why, another complex. ) and I also felt sad. Of course.
I want a rainbow.
Reminds me. Another memory that's happy, it made me hate myself but it still makes me smile a little. We were sitting around and I said "well, I'm stuck sitting with he who won't talk, so let's talk now before we have to go" and then he said something like "well you can sit somewhere else, I don't want to talk" and I said something unimportant but I wasn't offended or anything and all of a sudden he whipped around and looked sincerely concerned for my feelings and stuttered "It's not like I don't want to talk to you! I didn't mean that." and I told him I understood. That was the day that in the bus, he talked to me for at least forty minutes about his friends and school and everything. I was very happy, I almost wanted to thank him but I know he'd deny it or get embarrassed. Plus I was too shy to ever say something like that.
I'm excited, this Friday; we're going to get my film developed from my cameras I took. I want to show everyone. I took some cook pictures of clouds, a lot of the whole group standing around waiting, a picture of Jordan Medina, Ren, and an oddly damp horse (lol), and a myspace pic of me and Ren which after I took it he said "oh, I wasn't smiling". Then we went home ): I think that was the last picture I took, actually. LOL.
I really hate sitting around while all my friends are out having fun. I feel so sad and lonely. Especially since Franny was being very cold to me today, I try not to pay attention to it, because it's just him, he's been feeling bad too, but...I manage to get my feelings hurt. I hate myself.
Michin sarange bbajin boys and girls say oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!, that song...
I don't wanna grow up, I just wanna die.
Sorry for this pointless post.