Rhetoric, Fanfic, ROFLing, and a Man Named Scott
Went to class today- Rhetoric and Composition 2, the course I am taking with that professor who looks oddly like Umbridge. She said something striking and rather out of the vein for a small-town English teacher, that "good writing should be like good sex, enjoyable for both people involved"...I was shocked, it was so surreal to hear a professor say that, especially one that looks like she's about to sign-off on anti-werewolf legislation any day now...
I'm assuming that by 'both people invovled' she meant the author and the reader, but (of course) my mind immediately jumped into the gutter fanfic mode, and (of course) it took every ounce of self-control I had not to ROFL all over the place...
Which brings me neatly and without delay to the next intriguing bit-
I'm at lunch with my good friend Scott, whom I use without remorse as a muse for my crazy!Sirius when I write*, and we start talking about HP, and (of course) the conversation strayed into fanfic. Scott was a bit upset about the lack of certain (though maybe entirely American) classes at Hogwarts, we started wondering why these classes were missing (Health, Band, Home Economics, etc.) and who would teach them if they did exist.....So he and I are thinking of maybe writing this as a humorous joint AU venture (although his idea of a humorous joint AU venture usually entails some sort of rolling papers).
Health Class, we thought, would probably be taught by Madam Pomfrey, until such a time when it becomes necessary to divide the class by gender to bestow upon the hapless, unsuspecting youngsters the story of "the birds and the bees."
Scott and I decided that Lupin would probably get stuck explaining the finer points of procreation to the boys, because:
a- He has the worst luck ever.
b- He's the only one that could do it with a straight face.
c- Clearly, he's the only professor at Hogwarts that's ever had sex(Teddy Lupin being proof), though probably knows more about abstinence than your average priest.
(Sirius would want to teach this class, but he wouldn't be allowed; I imagine he would be far too enthusiastic, and have more than enough knowledge he could share....and would probably scar the poor kids for life).
Band was an interesting debacle. In the movies, it's always the little tiny guy whose name I can never remember, but Scott says(and I agree) that McGonagall would teach it, since she taught the Gryffindors how to dance in GOF. We thought that the idea of McGoogles teaching the kids how to play "Hey, Pachuco" and "We Are the Champions" during the Quidditch games was quite funny indeed.
(I liked the thought of the Gryffindor marching band playing a swing rendition of 'Weasley is Our King'. You know their uniforms would be red-and-gold tartan.)
Home Economics- we think that Mollywobbles would be the best life-skills professor in history; she can teach the kids how to swear effectively while showing them how to whip up a damn fine onion soup. Not to mention that she knits quite well, but probably not as well as my mum. I am biased.
(Although I would like to see Molly and Bellatrix teach together, so that the former can push the latter into a firey oven and show the students how to bake her into a pie, but maybe I just got my movie wires crossed again.)
Poor Scott was also worried about the Squibs, so we came up with a "Special Education for the Magically Impaired" class, though we're not sure who would teach it. We thought Snape, just for the sake of funnification.
("Funnification is not a word, Bails, " Scott says to me most Siriusly, us being the only people in two hundred miles who use Shoebox references in actual conversation.)
So yes, it's been a much better day today.
*I have been writing, I promise.