:( A little defeated...wow its been a minute lol
So last night...mind you after a tumultuous night of tossing and turning every few minutes all night long (ridiculous), I realized some things or somethings took fruition in my conscious mind. After listening to the MKs from ICS a couple of days ago, I realized that I'm not too far down the street from them (metaphorically speaking). I don't fit in anywhere, and developing relationships is one of my biggest struggles. It seems downright impossible. I mean....I have never done that successfully in my whole life and I have yet to do it.
I'm not depressed about it because the joy of the Lord has all but infiltrated every instance of my being but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly defeated. I realized that like Jeremiah there are certain things that I don't feel I'm supposed to have, like Ezekiel there are other things that I have had that needed to be taken away from me, and like Job there are things that need to be sacrificed. I feel for anyone in this position. It must be lonely. I feel for myself because this is only where it starts.
However I try to look at it this way. Perhaps its a blessing to be a tumble weed amongst trees and to so swiftly uproot and fly away with the wind; to be cold and indifferent to leaving people behind and moving on with life...to never establish long lasting relationships and to have to say goodbye would be better than to grieve and lament over loved ones long established. Yea...
I realize I'm not the only one but it always feels like it haha. So from here on out I guess whether or not I'm in this alone...I'll walk it out as if it were so. No life, no love, no friends unless God Himself decides to bless me with these gifts...I've proven to myself that I'm virtually incapable of doing it on my own...
*end rant*
<-Kev->
PS...I'm still happy as a fruit fly in a super market guys lol. Just a side note :)
I'm not depressed about it because the joy of the Lord has all but infiltrated every instance of my being but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly defeated. I realized that like Jeremiah there are certain things that I don't feel I'm supposed to have, like Ezekiel there are other things that I have had that needed to be taken away from me, and like Job there are things that need to be sacrificed. I feel for anyone in this position. It must be lonely. I feel for myself because this is only where it starts.
However I try to look at it this way. Perhaps its a blessing to be a tumble weed amongst trees and to so swiftly uproot and fly away with the wind; to be cold and indifferent to leaving people behind and moving on with life...to never establish long lasting relationships and to have to say goodbye would be better than to grieve and lament over loved ones long established. Yea...
I realize I'm not the only one but it always feels like it haha. So from here on out I guess whether or not I'm in this alone...I'll walk it out as if it were so. No life, no love, no friends unless God Himself decides to bless me with these gifts...I've proven to myself that I'm virtually incapable of doing it on my own...
*end rant*
<-Kev->
PS...I'm still happy as a fruit fly in a super market guys lol. Just a side note :)