Absolutely mortified
So in an attempt to keep my cool, I told Jordan how I felt...I wish I hadn't...but I'm at least a bit more sane now. I can't believe that I did that OMG! I'm mortified. I felt so selfish saying any of this to him:
First of all I want to say that I am so sorry.
Everything I am going to say right now will probably change a lot...I'm gonna freak you out a bit:
Remember those weird questions you'd ask me like "how do you feel about me?" or when I would fuck with your (as you called it)?
Well a lot of things have changed about you since I first met you and same goes for me.
I let my pitiful guard down for a sexond around you and now I find myself lying to you and myself.
Its been something I have put off and shrugged off and convinced away for SO long, but now its getting to me and shrugging it off isn't working anymore.
If you had any idea how I truly felt about you it might scare you...it freaks me out.
I tried HARD to cover it up with little comments that would come off as bitchy or that would say "I'd never go where we started off again", when I just wanted to tell you that I never stopped liking you and if I could do it all over again I totally would.
So now, even though I never had a cold chance in hell with you, I wish I tried.
I'm so sorry...
I was about in tears for so many reasons lol. I hate that I ever told him even...the same shit that I was afraid of happened anyway:
...And now that we are being honest, I kind of saw it and assumed. But no worries
He knew and still probably played around with me. KNOWING shit like that. I would never do anything like that to anyone I knew liked me when I totally don't like them in return...but then again he didn't do that (play around with my awkward ass emotions)...but it sure as hell felt like it when he sent me that little nugget of what the fuck.
I am absolutely heartbroken and I don't know what to do about it. The last person/s that I felt this way about were Shriley (WHO I WOULD'VE MARRIED ONE DAY GOD DAMMIT!!) and Luis. Only thing is with them...nah. I don't think I've let it go that far...I hope :(. I want to roll over and DIE!!!!notreally. I guess maybe I feel guilty about the fact that I'm SOooooooooooooooooooomewhat jealous of him...and of Mike...yea I was. So I tried every opportunity I could to try to turn that "UGH"ness into "friend"ness and help Jordan deal with the "shady" shit that was going on for like a minute and any other time something was up. Way to assurt effort eh? I feel like such a tardass lol. But god...ok aNOther rant:
A couple of weekends ago me, Lina and Jordan had a small little get together which involved REALLY cheap vodka and stuff. So like we were all drinking and blah blah. We were all trashed. Randomly, I'd just wip out my phone and video shit, take pictures of shit which all were awesome if I do say so myself ;) Some of those videos thought had pretty much me and Jordan in them. One of them he kept trying to tongue my face (grody) and I was like oooooooo this bitch is done! But then I was like *eh hah* makeout? and then I turned and opened my mouth and like he still didn't stop lol so I did lol...We didn't kiss though, came somewhat close but nah. Then there was another point where Lina just flopped down and passed out lol (I had just started to sober up and Jordan...just blacking out). Even though it meant ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, being that he was DRUNK as all get out, he passed out...in my crotch???!? *Sure* But yea so like a LOSER, I started playing with his hair blah blah....blah blah...and he kept burrying his face into my crotch....*mmm...*blah blah...then the arm whipped out and grabbed me so then after about ehh a REALLY long time, and the arm whipping out I was like OOOOOooooook time to go to bed, here's a pillow, I'll leave you on the floor, good night. So I went to bed. Next thing I know here he comes bouncing into my room right after me with the pillow and he just plops right down next to me, gets under my blanket, and starts cuddling the SHIT out of me...*OMGAYSWTF!!!*....Yipp just threw his happy ass right oooooon meeeee...then he put his arms around me......and then shit......I did it too...snuggled up like it was 20 degrees in the middle of July...that's REALLY where I fucked up. I totally let my guard down, and I got attached....THAT QUICK *OMGAISWTF!!*Well actually, it just kinda made all of whatever I had always felt and was unsure about boil over :(
I hate myself for letting that happen. I could have very easily gotten on the floor or left or something. Naturally he doesn't remember it so I was left, once again, to figure out what happened and why on my own. Why have I let myself do this?? Now I'm hopelessly out of it, and I can't act "weird" around him cause of course...that's always like the blade that hakcs the neck in a friendship and I can't TOTALLY not be weird cause that'll just be...weird...like I'm love-polar or something lol. I want to take it all back. And in a way I wish he felt the same way I did but I'm just as glad that he doesn't. He obviously loves Mike to death and I'm sure Mike loves him just as much and that's awesome. I hope Jordan doesn't FUCK THIS SHIT UP!!...and DOooooooooouble for Miiiiiiiiiiiike. All in all I think I could see what Jordan sees in him, even though I've only met him once and for roughly 15, 20 minutes. However I don't care to jot it down here, its really weird and complex and its only what I see but I think I get it...Mike's a sweet guy and I can totally tell :) (tears......) lol I so loose right now. However at the same time, there is something about him that rubs me the wrong way, like a dog that can sniff out the corruption in people. I don't know what it is but it bugs me. But either way even with that asid he's a really good guy with relatively good intentions. I really hope they work out :).............GOD DAMNIT I HATE BEING THE GOOD FRIEND!!!! :( :( :( :( But whatever. I've said, I can't take it back, I don't even want to see him until he forgets about this whole thing, I HATE that he "assumed" and that I'm "so easy to read" *eh hah*....*sure* lol (just irked) but he handled it really well and I'm SO glad.............................But what does it mean for the quality of this friendship?????????
<-Kev->
First of all I want to say that I am so sorry.
Everything I am going to say right now will probably change a lot...I'm gonna freak you out a bit:
Remember those weird questions you'd ask me like "how do you feel about me?" or when I would fuck with your (as you called it)?
Well a lot of things have changed about you since I first met you and same goes for me.
I let my pitiful guard down for a sexond around you and now I find myself lying to you and myself.
Its been something I have put off and shrugged off and convinced away for SO long, but now its getting to me and shrugging it off isn't working anymore.
If you had any idea how I truly felt about you it might scare you...it freaks me out.
I tried HARD to cover it up with little comments that would come off as bitchy or that would say "I'd never go where we started off again", when I just wanted to tell you that I never stopped liking you and if I could do it all over again I totally would.
So now, even though I never had a cold chance in hell with you, I wish I tried.
I'm so sorry...
I was about in tears for so many reasons lol. I hate that I ever told him even...the same shit that I was afraid of happened anyway:
...And now that we are being honest, I kind of saw it and assumed. But no worries
He knew and still probably played around with me. KNOWING shit like that. I would never do anything like that to anyone I knew liked me when I totally don't like them in return...but then again he didn't do that (play around with my awkward ass emotions)...but it sure as hell felt like it when he sent me that little nugget of what the fuck.
I am absolutely heartbroken and I don't know what to do about it. The last person/s that I felt this way about were Shriley (WHO I WOULD'VE MARRIED ONE DAY GOD DAMMIT!!) and Luis. Only thing is with them...nah. I don't think I've let it go that far...I hope :(. I want to roll over and DIE!!!!notreally. I guess maybe I feel guilty about the fact that I'm SOooooooooooooooooooomewhat jealous of him...and of Mike...yea I was. So I tried every opportunity I could to try to turn that "UGH"ness into "friend"ness and help Jordan deal with the "shady" shit that was going on for like a minute and any other time something was up. Way to assurt effort eh? I feel like such a tardass lol. But god...ok aNOther rant:
A couple of weekends ago me, Lina and Jordan had a small little get together which involved REALLY cheap vodka and stuff. So like we were all drinking and blah blah. We were all trashed. Randomly, I'd just wip out my phone and video shit, take pictures of shit which all were awesome if I do say so myself ;) Some of those videos thought had pretty much me and Jordan in them. One of them he kept trying to tongue my face (grody) and I was like oooooooo this bitch is done! But then I was like *eh hah* makeout? and then I turned and opened my mouth and like he still didn't stop lol so I did lol...We didn't kiss though, came somewhat close but nah. Then there was another point where Lina just flopped down and passed out lol (I had just started to sober up and Jordan...just blacking out). Even though it meant ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, being that he was DRUNK as all get out, he passed out...in my crotch???!? *Sure* But yea so like a LOSER, I started playing with his hair blah blah....blah blah...and he kept burrying his face into my crotch....*mmm...*blah blah...then the arm whipped out and grabbed me so then after about ehh a REALLY long time, and the arm whipping out I was like OOOOOooooook time to go to bed, here's a pillow, I'll leave you on the floor, good night. So I went to bed. Next thing I know here he comes bouncing into my room right after me with the pillow and he just plops right down next to me, gets under my blanket, and starts cuddling the SHIT out of me...*OMGAYSWTF!!!*....Yipp just threw his happy ass right oooooon meeeee...then he put his arms around me......and then shit......I did it too...snuggled up like it was 20 degrees in the middle of July...that's REALLY where I fucked up. I totally let my guard down, and I got attached....THAT QUICK *OMGAISWTF!!*Well actually, it just kinda made all of whatever I had always felt and was unsure about boil over :(
I hate myself for letting that happen. I could have very easily gotten on the floor or left or something. Naturally he doesn't remember it so I was left, once again, to figure out what happened and why on my own. Why have I let myself do this?? Now I'm hopelessly out of it, and I can't act "weird" around him cause of course...that's always like the blade that hakcs the neck in a friendship and I can't TOTALLY not be weird cause that'll just be...weird...like I'm love-polar or something lol. I want to take it all back. And in a way I wish he felt the same way I did but I'm just as glad that he doesn't. He obviously loves Mike to death and I'm sure Mike loves him just as much and that's awesome. I hope Jordan doesn't FUCK THIS SHIT UP!!...and DOooooooooouble for Miiiiiiiiiiiike. All in all I think I could see what Jordan sees in him, even though I've only met him once and for roughly 15, 20 minutes. However I don't care to jot it down here, its really weird and complex and its only what I see but I think I get it...Mike's a sweet guy and I can totally tell :) (tears......) lol I so loose right now. However at the same time, there is something about him that rubs me the wrong way, like a dog that can sniff out the corruption in people. I don't know what it is but it bugs me. But either way even with that asid he's a really good guy with relatively good intentions. I really hope they work out :).............GOD DAMNIT I HATE BEING THE GOOD FRIEND!!!! :( :( :( :( But whatever. I've said, I can't take it back, I don't even want to see him until he forgets about this whole thing, I HATE that he "assumed" and that I'm "so easy to read" *eh hah*....*sure* lol (just irked) but he handled it really well and I'm SO glad.............................But what does it mean for the quality of this friendship?????????
<-Kev->