(no subject)
I am extremely better than I was one month ago. The only problem is that I am afraid of going home. I've been in missouri since the end of july, and It has forced me to be independent. I have gained so much love for myself in this month. i guess im afraid of losing that. there are afew things i want to write about right now.
1) It is so easy to releive bad feelings and problems by drinking or doing drugs. Ive only smoked pot a few times this month, and its been to releive boredom or socially. Ive taken pills a few times also, for the same reasons. Drugs are fun to do. I have always known this. They are really bad psychologically and physically. I have always known this. When I feel upset, its really easy to turn to drugs to ease the problems. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing, though. I think it is, but at the same time its just another coping mechanism. I do know that this behavior is one that can lead to dependence. So, it is a bad thing. It is still hard to stop myself from doing it, however.
2) I do not want to move back into Orion. I had a complete nervous breakdown, and that is why i had to leave so suddenly. I was not happy at all, ever, and i knew that the only thing i could do to make me happy the fastest would be to run away from what is causing me pain. Now that my time away is almost up, I realize that I must return to what made me so upset. I like to think that Ive built a shell of sorts that will protect me from those bad things, but Im really worried its not going to be enough. When I went back to Orion to get some stuff before I came to Missouri, I was shaking when I pulled in the driveway, after I drove around the block a few times trying to think of how I could avoid going to the house. I get shaky just thinking about going back now.
This is all I can write right now, i'll finish it later. I haven't been this sad in a month, and i dont know why, but i hate it. I have 4 days until i have to face reality again. I will be ready, but I'm not right now.
3)independence
4)losing a friend
1) It is so easy to releive bad feelings and problems by drinking or doing drugs. Ive only smoked pot a few times this month, and its been to releive boredom or socially. Ive taken pills a few times also, for the same reasons. Drugs are fun to do. I have always known this. They are really bad psychologically and physically. I have always known this. When I feel upset, its really easy to turn to drugs to ease the problems. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing, though. I think it is, but at the same time its just another coping mechanism. I do know that this behavior is one that can lead to dependence. So, it is a bad thing. It is still hard to stop myself from doing it, however.
2) I do not want to move back into Orion. I had a complete nervous breakdown, and that is why i had to leave so suddenly. I was not happy at all, ever, and i knew that the only thing i could do to make me happy the fastest would be to run away from what is causing me pain. Now that my time away is almost up, I realize that I must return to what made me so upset. I like to think that Ive built a shell of sorts that will protect me from those bad things, but Im really worried its not going to be enough. When I went back to Orion to get some stuff before I came to Missouri, I was shaking when I pulled in the driveway, after I drove around the block a few times trying to think of how I could avoid going to the house. I get shaky just thinking about going back now.
This is all I can write right now, i'll finish it later. I haven't been this sad in a month, and i dont know why, but i hate it. I have 4 days until i have to face reality again. I will be ready, but I'm not right now.
3)independence
4)losing a friend