(no subject)

[chockley]

I have been having a rough few days.   I hate   when i consantly question my own sanity. I dont like feeling so lost, and so confused that i dont even kno what I am confused about.  Springtime is supposed to be happy, but the flowers aren't blooming here.    I know that time heals all wounds, and i know that time is constantly moving. Therefore, all wounds must constantly be healing. But what about when there are wounds that shouldn't be healed the way that time will heal them?  I wonder if there is anything to do but nothing, even when doing nothing is the most of anything that you can do. If i knew why I was confused, if I knew why I was sad, maybe all of this can heal without time.  I wish time would just leave me alone.  One thing that has been helping me feel better is listening to music.  The way that it makes me feel better is by taking my mind off of what is taking up so much space. Music allows me to expand my head so one thought doesn't take up so much room. It i can put one problem over here and one over there then i can take care of them one at a time.  I've been listening to the Death Cab for Cutie album "Plans" almost all the way through before going to bed for the past few nights.  It doesnt solve any problems, but it helps me feel less overwhelmed.  It allows me to disappear into a place where nothing really exists. There is no matter in this place, no worries, no feelings.  Just sounds.                      I hope everything will get better in the way that i want it to and not just by time making it seem less severe.    I dont think that i have ever wanted to be needed so badly before.  Even my cat doesnt need me because my mom feeds it.       I wish that something would feel real. Everything lately has seemed so surreal and void of substance.  Is this going to matter in 30 years?   How about 300?               Time hurts.

A good friend of mine once said something that is having a large effect on me right now. " i just miss having a girl with whom i am very close in a romantic way, a girl i can call whenever, or who can call me whenever, and we can just talk and be there for eachother and so forth. someone to hold my hands with her hands."