(no subject)
there's a cingular commmercial, the one with the college guy triplets, you know? maybe you wouldn't agree, but those triplets, they're davis in, well, triplicate. or they are james in triplicate. or they are wyatt in triplicate. they are james wyatt davis in triplicate. whatever you called him. that's not important. or it is. because his names were versatile enough that you knew to whom a person was referring, regardless of which each chose to employ. because his personality and his heart were so engaging, there was no mistaking him for someone else.
i know i wasn't so close to him. he was just the guy who would stretch out in the door frame while waiting for the girl next door. even before the accident my door frame had gotten used to his absence. it felt kinda empty sometimes, but they all faded out eventually. he was one of my favorites of all the guys that hung around, though.
his number is still in my phone. i haven't deleted it out yet. every time i scroll through it i think to myself how silly it is to have this dead boy's number in my phone, how morbid it would seem to anyone who knew. and it is i guess. but as i go to hit the erase button, i wonder whether or not it isn't a little bit disrespectful. somewhere i have the bit of napkin from applebee's, but no other traces of him exist for me. doesn't he deserve better than to be just a scrap of napkin? doesn't he deserve to at least be an unused number in my phonebook?
he was the first stranger boy i ever asked to give me his number. it wasn't for me. but it was a big step none-the-less. he kindly wrote it down without obvious laughter at my terrible nervousness and most likely tomato complexion. i'm still so grateful for his graciousness. he was a mass of graciousness.
i wonder sometimes, what would happen if i were to hit send instead of the back button. would i get his voicemail? would someone call back to tell me, thinking i didn't know? would there be an answer? and what would i do if there were? i'd love to tell them how he'll be missed. i'd love to tell them how he touched lives of people around him, just by being. but maybe they wouldn't want to hear it. or maybe they wouldn't know what i was talking about, because maybe his number has been reassigned to somebody with no knowledge of the shoes they'll probably never fill.
NOT ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. i don't believe that death does. but it does happen.
WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT WON'T STOP IT.
i was able to spend some time with avalon this weekend. we took a walk friday nite with the dogs, and in the darkness and woods and wild animal sounds, his warm furryness rubbing against my leg was so reassurring. the way he looks back to make sure you are still there with him, he keeps tabs on the whole group. is he still looking for matt?
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONTINUING TO MOURN A PERSON AND MISSING A PERSON. there's a progression, that you just need to advance through in your own time and pace. but if you are patient with yourself, you'll suddenly hit a memory that will not make you cry. your frown will straighten and begin curving upwards. the pocket of emptyness that he left behind will slowly begin to fill itself back up with his joy. and eventually, he won't be gone anymore, but hovering around in his warm and loving way.
YOU NEVER LOSE A PERSON'S SPIRIT. you just sometimes forget how to recognize it for a while.
i know i wasn't so close to him. he was just the guy who would stretch out in the door frame while waiting for the girl next door. even before the accident my door frame had gotten used to his absence. it felt kinda empty sometimes, but they all faded out eventually. he was one of my favorites of all the guys that hung around, though.
his number is still in my phone. i haven't deleted it out yet. every time i scroll through it i think to myself how silly it is to have this dead boy's number in my phone, how morbid it would seem to anyone who knew. and it is i guess. but as i go to hit the erase button, i wonder whether or not it isn't a little bit disrespectful. somewhere i have the bit of napkin from applebee's, but no other traces of him exist for me. doesn't he deserve better than to be just a scrap of napkin? doesn't he deserve to at least be an unused number in my phonebook?
he was the first stranger boy i ever asked to give me his number. it wasn't for me. but it was a big step none-the-less. he kindly wrote it down without obvious laughter at my terrible nervousness and most likely tomato complexion. i'm still so grateful for his graciousness. he was a mass of graciousness.
i wonder sometimes, what would happen if i were to hit send instead of the back button. would i get his voicemail? would someone call back to tell me, thinking i didn't know? would there be an answer? and what would i do if there were? i'd love to tell them how he'll be missed. i'd love to tell them how he touched lives of people around him, just by being. but maybe they wouldn't want to hear it. or maybe they wouldn't know what i was talking about, because maybe his number has been reassigned to somebody with no knowledge of the shoes they'll probably never fill.
NOT ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON. i don't believe that death does. but it does happen.
WHAT I THINK ABOUT IT WON'T STOP IT.
i was able to spend some time with avalon this weekend. we took a walk friday nite with the dogs, and in the darkness and woods and wild animal sounds, his warm furryness rubbing against my leg was so reassurring. the way he looks back to make sure you are still there with him, he keeps tabs on the whole group. is he still looking for matt?
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN CONTINUING TO MOURN A PERSON AND MISSING A PERSON. there's a progression, that you just need to advance through in your own time and pace. but if you are patient with yourself, you'll suddenly hit a memory that will not make you cry. your frown will straighten and begin curving upwards. the pocket of emptyness that he left behind will slowly begin to fill itself back up with his joy. and eventually, he won't be gone anymore, but hovering around in his warm and loving way.
YOU NEVER LOSE A PERSON'S SPIRIT. you just sometimes forget how to recognize it for a while.