rescue me
so, maybe she was a bit nasty. induction and recovery weren't exactly fun, and once we finally get a signature for the histopath, i may not like the results. but, overall, my 1st spay went pretty damn well. it's an awfully big thrill, holding the scalpel. and, though things got a bit slippery once i was bloody, my hand didn't shake once. i know. surprising. i guess it's hard to describe unless you've done it, and those of you that have done it don't need an explanation. suffice to say, i'm proud of myself. it was a big week. just another milestone to ink up my journal.
though in some ways i feel like i am making leaps and bounds, on others i feel like i am falling despairingly behind. the comment tonight, "i'm sorry that you're upset he grew up," it stung. i'm happy for him, i'm just getting myself prepared for him to move on and away now. everyone is getting settled into their adult lives. i don't seem to fit there anymore. i'm in this terrible limbo between undergrad and the real world. everywhere i look people are getting engaged, married, having kids. i feel years and years away from it. i'm not so much jealous as really bitter. because i could have had it. i was given the chance, and i felt guilty. i left my loyalties with a coward and ended up not only wasting 2 years, but losing out on a whole bunch of fantastic future ones. so, i get to sit back, pretend to be gracious, and watch the last few guys i trust fade off into other girls' lives. now is not a good time for me to start a relationship, but it would have been nice to know i had a stabilized one ready to survive through rotations. instead i get to look forward to after graduation moving back in with my parents, and continuing to be relationship stunted, due to my increasing lack of faith in the opposite sex. i need to just get over it, because i don't have the time or energy to ponder and stew. i just can't get away from it. it's like this constant reminder that i wasn't good enough, and now i don't get anybody at all. that sounds childish and melodramatic. i feel childish and melodramatic about the whole thing. i'm just tired of being lonely, and afraid of slowly becoming the only lonely person left.