I'm Finding It's Not Easy To Be Perfect...
At what price does perfection come? Straining relationships, unhappy nights and days, no sleep. When does it stop, if it ever does? Why must there be a constant need to be accepted and to complete all the dreams and expectations of everyone around me?
I feel as if this all comes with the territory of being a perfectionist. Take my mother for instance. I feel like I live in a museum rather than the house. Its as if my mom wants everything to look great from the outside and then when looked deeply at, its not always that tidied up. Take her precious "couch" for instance. I got grease on it by some-God-only-knows-way and of course she found it. While I went out for a half hour my mother examined the couch for mistakes. My mom, the always ready one, looking to catch my mistakes. I got yelled at for about 20 minutes. Because of a couch, a goddamn couch. A couch that I am not allowed to put my feet on, lay on, eat on or lounge on. The show couch. The only couch in the house I might add.
Am I crazy for ranting and raving about a couch? Maybe. But I can't take these expectations anymore. I KNOW I need to get into college. I KNOW I need to find the perfect date. I KNOW I need to get better grades. I KNOW I shouldn't have eaten on the couch.
I feel as if life relies on these expectations. If I don't fulfill them, that I or my mom can't be happy. And thats what matters most, isn't it?
For once I want to be normal. Not mediocre. I can't handle mediocre. I just want to be able to know that I can still find a date, and get into a good college and spill things every once in a while, and everything will still be okay. I'm not sure if thats plausible but hey I can dream. Who knows maybe there is a life where this is possible? Maybe I don't have to live up to every expectation?
Two days ago i had thrown-up over night and still went to school because my mother guilted me into it and later said "you don't have to, I just wanted you to try." So I went and threw-up in school. Beautiful, I know. I needed to be in school, I needed to take those tests. I needed to make sure I got all the reviews.
Maybe I just need a break? I can't be superman, everyday. I don't smoke, I've never drank, I don't have promiscuous sex but not getting good grades might as well be the same thing. Being perfect, or striving for perfection is easier said than done, it requires lots of heartbreak, crying yourself to sleep, and even a little bit of insanity.
I feel as if this all comes with the territory of being a perfectionist. Take my mother for instance. I feel like I live in a museum rather than the house. Its as if my mom wants everything to look great from the outside and then when looked deeply at, its not always that tidied up. Take her precious "couch" for instance. I got grease on it by some-God-only-knows-way and of course she found it. While I went out for a half hour my mother examined the couch for mistakes. My mom, the always ready one, looking to catch my mistakes. I got yelled at for about 20 minutes. Because of a couch, a goddamn couch. A couch that I am not allowed to put my feet on, lay on, eat on or lounge on. The show couch. The only couch in the house I might add.
Am I crazy for ranting and raving about a couch? Maybe. But I can't take these expectations anymore. I KNOW I need to get into college. I KNOW I need to find the perfect date. I KNOW I need to get better grades. I KNOW I shouldn't have eaten on the couch.
I feel as if life relies on these expectations. If I don't fulfill them, that I or my mom can't be happy. And thats what matters most, isn't it?
For once I want to be normal. Not mediocre. I can't handle mediocre. I just want to be able to know that I can still find a date, and get into a good college and spill things every once in a while, and everything will still be okay. I'm not sure if thats plausible but hey I can dream. Who knows maybe there is a life where this is possible? Maybe I don't have to live up to every expectation?
Two days ago i had thrown-up over night and still went to school because my mother guilted me into it and later said "you don't have to, I just wanted you to try." So I went and threw-up in school. Beautiful, I know. I needed to be in school, I needed to take those tests. I needed to make sure I got all the reviews.
Maybe I just need a break? I can't be superman, everyday. I don't smoke, I've never drank, I don't have promiscuous sex but not getting good grades might as well be the same thing. Being perfect, or striving for perfection is easier said than done, it requires lots of heartbreak, crying yourself to sleep, and even a little bit of insanity.